IJ12 Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Six months ago I broke up with my first serious girlfriend. Here's basically what happened: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/377552-getting-over-complicated-break-up-my-first-girlfriend Even though it's been almost half a year, being with her feels like an absolute lifetime ago. It's quite remarkable really. We seemed to have it all planned out - marriage, kids - and then over the course of about 24 hours it all feel to pieces. I've gone from thinking it was my fault, to trying to get her back, hating her, hating myself, thinking I'm better off without her and back again. I still find I have a good days and bad days, and even swing from good to bad and back again in the same day. I'm trying not to think about what has happened but not a day goes by when I don't. If it makes sense, I'm not thinking about it in the same way. It's on my mind, but I'm not questioning things. In the aftermath I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach constantly, but that feeling has gone. Maybe now I just feel numb, I don't know. I did go to counseling for around a month after the break up but stopped once I felt I had gotten over the worst of it. I'm considering going back again. As you can see from the other thread, she's hurt me a lot by doing what she did. She also went hot and cold when we were together. She wanted to sleep with me after our first date and she told me she loved me after just over a month. Less than a month after our first anniversary (when she said she was looking forward to spending many more years together) she said she wanted to break up, citing one of the reasons to be the way I dress(!). She bottled things up and seemed to let it all out in one go. Even when she told me what had happened on holiday, she went from seeming to want to stay together and try to work things out to the next day saying things weren't as good as they were and ending it. When I was going to see her on the day we broke up, she was even asking me about staying over at the weekend. It's so confusing, I know I'll never understand why she acted the way she did. Maybe I've dodged a bullet here. She had to take a year out of university because of stress and her last boyfriend was physically abusive to her. She seemed to be over all of this when we got together, but maybe she carried baggage into the relationship. I believe I'm reaching a stage of indifference towards her though. The breakup was particularly hard to take because of what happened to her (although part of me thinks she made it up), but now I feel like I neither hate her or worry about how she is. She texted me on my birthday in December saying she hoped I was OK, which was probably breadcrumbs on her part to assuage her guilt. We haven't been in contact since, but I know I should have severed ties sooner. I was emotional and wasn't really thinking straight. At the moment I don't feel like I'm remotely near being ready for another relationship. Now I find I'm very distrustful of women, I think they're just going to hurt me. I know that's not a healthy mindset to have and I need to shake it off, but it's all I know. I know I need to put this behind me but it's really hard. Please tell me not all relationships are like this! I feel stronger than I did, but what has happened has really messed me up. In the immediate aftermath of the breakup I almost went to pieces. I lost weight, barely slept and drank a little bit more than I should have. I've come a long way since then, which I guess shows that I'm healing. I've heard people say it takes double the amount of time you were with someone to get over them, but I think each relationship is different. I don't know if anyone is able to offer and help/thoughts/advice/encouragement, but I felt like I needed to vent a little bit.
JTG Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Hello there! Sorry your still feeling down man, it sux and I think everyone can relate... I'm older and wiser, but have been through all of that with my first years back. Listen to me when I say when things go wrong, it is better to do it when you are dating than married with a house and all kinds of stuff. You remember the good and learn from the bad. Trust me it is easier to sever ties and wish them the best of luck. Stay away from false hope and feelings. You can BS other people when talking about her, but you can't BS your self. Could you imagine the stress if for some reason you got back with her? You don't need that. Don't take one bad experience with one girl label all the women out there, because there are great ones. It takes work to find a great match for you, not just any woman, but one that compliments who you are and what you like doing. My advice to you would be that you gave it a shot and it didn't work. You had great times and bad times, but it is time to move on. Work on your self now to get back in shape, read self help books, or do what makes you happy. Just like school, you need to invest in your mind and body to build it up to prepare yourself with what's out there. If you need to go back to counselling, there is no shame in doing that. Make sure you just don't spill your guts there, but try to learn coping mechanisms that will help you in the future in all things. Stick with it for a while, they are the pros. When ready just go on a few dates and have fun. Learn about people and get experience, but don't go into each one thinking she's the one.. Keep your head up man! JTG
Author IJ12 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Hello there! Sorry your still feeling down man, it sux and I think everyone can relate... I'm older and wiser, but have been through all of that with my first years back. Listen to me when I say when things go wrong, it is better to do it when you are dating than married with a house and all kinds of stuff. You remember the good and learn from the bad. Trust me it is easier to sever ties and wish them the best of luck. Stay away from false hope and feelings. You can BS other people when talking about her, but you can't BS your self. Could you imagine the stress if for some reason you got back with her? You don't need that. Don't take one bad experience with one girl label all the women out there, because there are great ones. It takes work to find a great match for you, not just any woman, but one that compliments who you are and what you like doing. My advice to you would be that you gave it a shot and it didn't work. You had great times and bad times, but it is time to move on. Work on your self now to get back in shape, read self help books, or do what makes you happy. Just like school, you need to invest in your mind and body to build it up to prepare yourself with what's out there. If you need to go back to counselling, there is no shame in doing that. Make sure you just don't spill your guts there, but try to learn coping mechanisms that will help you in the future in all things. Stick with it for a while, they are the pros. When ready just go on a few dates and have fun. Learn about people and get experience, but don't go into each one thinking she's the one.. Keep your head up man! JTG Yeah I guess that is some consolation, at least I've seen her true colours now, rather than further down the line when I would have invested even more in the relationship. Deep down something is telling me that this is actually for the best. But the thing is, why can't I stop thinking about her? I think I'll eventually emerge from this stronger. It's made me a bit more cautious and less trusting, but that might not be a bad thing.
JTG Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 That's your experience telling you that man. You don't know not to touch a hot stove if you have never been burnt. Your first love will always be with you, but it will just be another memory soon enough. There is no think,,, you will be be stronger from this past experience. And it is only that, a "past" experience, so start living in the now, or you will be missing out on new opportunities. JTG
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