IJ12 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Hey everyone, I was wondering if you would be able to help. I'm trying to get over a very complicated break up. I'll try and keep it short, but there's a lot to it. It happened five months ago. I don't feel nearly as bad as I did, but I don't think I'm fully healed just yet. I guess it will take time. What has happened has caused me to doubt myself and lose confidence. For a long time I blamed myself for what has happened, but I think that has passed. It's particularly difficult because we were pretty serious. She had dropped massive hints that she wanted me to propose and she'd even picked out names for kids. We'd been together for 18 months. Basically, she went on holiday and kissed another guy who then raped her. This was a few weeks before I was due to see her again when she started a new course. We're from different countries, so we spent a fair amount of time apart when she wasn't at university/college. At first she said the kiss was a mistake and she was very sorry. She said she did it because she was lonely and needed someone. She said she would understand if we broke up because of it, but I made it clear to her that I wanted to stay together and try to work through it. She said she definitely wanted to try as well, but that she didn't know what things would be like. Part of her wondered if it would be fairer on me to not do so while she figured things out. I saw her in person the next day and she made it clear she wanted to end it. She said things weren't as good as they used to be and that she kissed the guy because she wanted excitement. She said she hadn't gotten bored of the relationship, but I don't know if she said that to try and protect my feelings. She said she had 'gotten used to being with' me. She said she still had feelings for me but she wasn't IN love with me anymore. I was completely distraught and the next few days were really difficult. I sent her a letter to try and change her mind and then I stupidly texted her before I got a response. When she did send a letter back, she was angry, and rightly so. With hindsight I realise it was wrong. In her response she said we weren't breaking up just because of what happened to her and she mentioned the fact that she wanted to break up before. This was just under a year ago, and it came completely out of the blue to me. One of the reasons she gave was they way I dressed, which seemed really weird. Anyway, she said we had problems before, and the fact that she was obviously looking for someone else only proved that she wasn't happy in the relationship any more. She said she was sad about losing the future together and sorry for hurting me, but it was better to be honest. So yeah, not bad for a first relationship! The last contact I had with her was in December, when she texted me on my birthday. If anyone has any tips for healing/moving on I'd appreciate it. I've removed all of the reminders of my ex from my place, and I've blocked her out on social media. I know we're not getting back together, and to be honest I don't really feel the same way about her. 1
morichu Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 If anyone has any tips for healing/moving on I'd appreciate it. idk if you really need any. The way she talked down to you and said she saw another guy because she was "bored" should tell you all you need to know about her character. Was that somebody you really wanted to spend the rest of your life with? Just take it as a learning experience and improve yourself. Everyone goes through relationships like this before they finally find the right person.
biggulp Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 depending on how old you two are, i would just like to add that maybe she likes you but her maturity level isn't really up there quite yet. i wouldn't be surprised if she tried to get in touch with you again. but if there was really no love there, move on knowing a girl who deserves you is on the way! be strong. 1
Author IJ12 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 depending on how old you two are, i would just like to add that maybe she likes you but her maturity level isn't really up there quite yet. i wouldn't be surprised if she tried to get in touch with you again. but if there was really no love there, move on knowing a girl who deserves you is on the way! be strong. We're both 23.
Author IJ12 Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 idk if you really need any. The way she talked down to you and said she saw another guy because she was "bored" should tell you all you need to know about her character. Was that somebody you really wanted to spend the rest of your life with? Just take it as a learning experience and improve yourself. Everyone goes through relationships like this before they finally find the right person. I know, but I do lose sight of that sometimes. At the moment I feel ok, but a bit numb in a way. I'm slowly getting my life back together but some days are better than others. I feel like I'm getting by, but not like I'm living my life, it that makes sense.
TaraMaiden Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 What did she do about the rape? From what you say, she didn't seem overly disturbed or upset by it? Where did this happen (country)? Did she report it? Has she had rape counselling?
Author IJ12 Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 What did she do about the rape? From what you say, she didn't seem overly disturbed or upset by it? Where did this happen (country)? Did she report it? Has she had rape counselling? She didn't report it. It happened in France. She's said she's getting help to cope with what's happened. She still seemed numb and a bit in shock when I saw her (about two weeks after it happened).
TaraMaiden Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 France has extremely severe penalties for such crimes. Anything around 20 years.... I hate to tell you this, but I'm kind of sceptical about her story. I think she had sex willingly. See, I've worked with rape victims, and her reaction is pretty uncharacteristic... She wouldn't apologise for having kissed him, she wouldn't break up with you so easily, and she wouldn't describe wanting a kiss as looking for excitement - particularly if what he then did was rape her. But a rape victim feels disgust, shame and certainly, trauma. And they don't want to leave the people who mean a lot to them. They crave emotional support and security. I hate to say it - bust she cheated on you. Armed with that knowledge, I definitely think you need to let go of this one! 2
Chi townD Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 I saw her in person the next day and she made it clear she wanted to end it. She said things weren't as good as they used to be and that she kissed the guy because she wanted excitement. She said she hadn't gotten bored of the relationship, but I don't know if she said that to try and protect my feelings. She said she had 'gotten used to being with' me. She said she still had feelings for me but she wasn't IN love with me anymore. Dude, the bold is the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech. This is straight out of the text book, CLASSIC cheater speech. Dude, I totally agree with Tara. I HIGHLY doubt she was raped. Dude, she cheated on you. And she's not behaving like how a raped victim usually does. I wouldn't be shocked if you find out she's dating her "rapist" here in the future.
Author IJ12 Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 France has extremely severe penalties for such crimes. Anything around 20 years.... I hate to tell you this, but I'm kind of sceptical about her story. I think she had sex willingly. See, I've worked with rape victims, and her reaction is pretty uncharacteristic... She wouldn't apologise for having kissed him, she wouldn't break up with you so easily, and she wouldn't describe wanting a kiss as looking for excitement - particularly if what he then did was rape her. But a rape victim feels disgust, shame and certainly, trauma. And they don't want to leave the people who mean a lot to them. They crave emotional support and security. I hate to say it - bust she cheated on you. Armed with that knowledge, I definitely think you need to let go of this one! To be honest the thought that she has made this up has crossed my mind on a number of occasions. I've no idea why she'd do that, but if it's the case then I'm probably better off with her out of my life.
Author IJ12 Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 Dude, the bold is the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech. This is straight out of the text book, CLASSIC cheater speech. Dude, I totally agree with Tara. I HIGHLY doubt she was raped. Dude, she cheated on you. And she's not behaving like how a raped victim usually does. I wouldn't be shocked if you find out she's dating her "rapist" here in the future. What else is in the speech?
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