When's the best time for infidelity to occur w/r/t recovery?

[afterataraxia]

I'm going through the heartache of a break-up fraught with lies and infidelity. (Read my story here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/379011-i-m-concerned-i-don-t-feel-resent-anger-i-forgive-her)

 

Through the process I've been educating myself about infidelity and have been surprised to learn how common it is, no matter the nature or duration of the relationship. Of course, many relationships fail as a result of infidelity, but there also those that are rebuilt. What I'll talk about in this thread pertains only to those relationships in which there exists a desire stay together.

 

Now, I'd never say that infidelity is a good thing for relationships (though I'm sure someone out there could argue that going through the experience made their relationship stronger), but I'm left wondering if the conclusion can be drawn that it is a good thing to get infidelity out of the way early in a relationship. That is to say, couldn't one put forth the argument that infidelity committed in the early stages of a relationship (i.e. prior to cohabitation or engagement) is preferable to infidelity which occurs at a more mature stage (i.e. marriage) from the perspective of healing the relationship and moving forward? This is because after the infidelity is perpetrated and the long process of recovery begins, the rebuilt relationship can graduate to higher stages of commitment. These relationship rites of passage are integrated into the healing process and are tangible symbols of strengthened commitment and growth. Conversely, if infidelity occurs after cohabitation, engagement, or marriage the couple lacks as many or all such relationship milestones.

 

One counter-argument would be that a relatively young relationship stricken by infidelity does not have as much history to ground the couple before embarking upon recovery as does a mature relationship. Yet the mutual love demanded by any attempt to heal a relationship after infidelity by nature exists independent of considerations such as history or relationship stage (the only exception which comes to mind are relationships involving children). Therefore, does it not then follow that early relationship stage infidelity is easier to heal from than mature relationship stage infidelity? If this is the case, wouldn't we have to rethink the "dodged bullet" thesis?

 

There's definitely some holes here though, please fill in.

[KatZee]

Infidelity, is infidelity. It hurts no matter which way you slice it. It doesn't matter if you're living together, engaged, married, or just dating. It's a huge breach of trust, and it's something that forever tarnishes a relationship.

 

Is it better to get infidelity out of the way early on? How about it just not happen at all? That's a pretty crappy mentality to think that it's going to happen in 100% of relationships, but what's more is that if someone cheats, it's not as if they're getting something out of their system and it'll never happen again. Chances are it WILL happen again. So there's really nothing to "get out of the way."

 

My ex cheated on me 4 months into our relationship. I didn't find out about it until we were together almost 3 years. He tried to say some s.hit about how he was confused about his ex, and he wasn't sure what he had wanted... are you kidding me? If you're so confused, if you're cheating on me that early no, END THE RELATIONSHIP. There are no excuses, no justifications for cheating. At all.