I'm concerned I don't feel resent or anger, I forgive her

[afterataraxia]

I planned to be boarding a plane 5 hours from now, en route to join her in paradise. But it won't happen. I'm staying here.

 

We had been together a year, we are both 26, and during our year together we broke up several times, reconciling within a week or two each time. I love her and tried so hard to make it work.

 

In mid-January I impulsively broke up with her, due to temporary frustration. I realized it was a mistake soon after, and within two weeks we were back together. But during the time we weren't together she planned a 3-week holiday to India. After we reconciled, she put pressure on me to join her. I wanted to, said that I would, began to prepare. In the end though I had to go back on my word because of work. I explained that I wouldn't be able to go with her two weeks before her scheduled departure. She was upset, but we lasted another week before she walked out on me. Days before she left, we met to discuss the situation. She voiced all of her complaints, mainly that I'm boring, don't know how to have fun, and am "greedy with myself." These of course were linked to the fact that I wouldn't be going with her to India due to work (she has been out of work for the past 14 months). I told her I didn't want our relationship to end, and she said she wanted to be with me but didn't think we could really be together due to our differences. A couple days later she was off to India.

 

I texted her to ask if she made it there safely. She responded warmly. The next day I skyped her, again to check in. She was happy to hear from me and told me to call her while she was there. Over the next several days she wrote that she missed me, and that I should've gone with her. Simultaneous to that I resolved to surprise her by joining her in India near the end of her time there. But as that happened she expressed loneliness and suggested coming home early. I decided to tell her about my plans and she was very happy. She said she would be waiting for me. The next couple days we exchanged more messages. She still missed me, wanted to visit a romantic beach together, etc. Last Saturday she texted me that her skin allergy had reappeared. I replied that at least now she would understand that I wasn't the cause (she often blamed me for her skin allergy because, in her words, I "made her nervous."). She angrily wrote back that I didn't care about her condition. We didnt talk for the rest of the day nor on Sunday. So last Monday I texted her to ask how she was doing. No response. That night I called her and she told me she told me not to come, that we had broken up. I heard a guy's voice and asked about it. She became angry and hung up. I texted her that I didn't understand what had changed. The next morning she wrote me that she had met friends, that the guy I heard was just a friend. She said I could still come to her. I tried calling her that day, no answer.

 

On Thursday morning I called her, and she told me she was still spending time with that guy. I asked her if they had sex. She said yes. At this point I hung up. I called back an hour later, and asked additional questions. She equivocated and wouldn't confirm sex, nor would she say that he was more than a friend. She said she didn't know where she would be when I came and that ultimately it was not a good idea for me to go to India. The phone call ended when my Skype account ran out of money.

 

Today I asked a mutual friend to call her, and she told him that she had been with this guy she met there the entire week and had had sex with him.

 

So, I'm not going. A lot of money down the drain, but I don't care. I'm utterly devastated. I feel betrayed. I am heartbroken.

 

I want her back but don't know if I'll ever have the opportunity. She didn't apologize or seem the slightest bit bothered by what she did. And I'm not sure that she necessarily owes me an apology given that we were technically broken up. But then at the same time I felt there was mutual desire for impending reconciliation. She went as far as explain the break-up being due to mere anger. What bothers me the most is that she said she was waiting for me and then only 2 days later was with another guy. She explained that she told me she missed me, that I should have gone with her, and that she was waiting for me out of "pity." To me, this doesn't hold water as she expressed those things both before and after I revealed my plans to join her. So whether those sentiments were genuine or not, I feel like I was used while she was lonely and then kicked to the curb as soon as some new guy walked into her life.

 

The problem is that I know it should be so hard to get past what she's done but because of the fact that I love her so much I know I can rationalize everything and forgive her. I already have in so many ways.

 

At this point though, while she's doubtlessly with the other guy tonight and I'm alone at home, the fact that I do forgive her and still want to heal our relationship is moot. I am just concerned that I don't feel resentment or anger. My best friend is currently furious at me for having said that I forgive her.

 

I've written her a letter and plan to meet her at the airport upon her return. I'll give it to her, and walk away. I've been told not to do this by friends, but I want her to know how I feel and understand the impact of what she's done.

 

I just know that if she came back to me and apologized I would want to start over and work to rebuild what we had. But I also think that this might not be so healthy. Does anyone else have a similar experience of such rapid forgiveness? Is this healthy?