sattech200 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I have been left with so many unanswered questions and it’s killing me. Details can be found in this post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/378275-i-am-so-lost-can-t-get-myself-picked-back-up Basically in January she told me she wanted a full commitment from me after three years. That I move in and we start planning the rest of our lives together. February I found out she went and spent weekend with another guy last fall. I confronted her and she kicked me to curb saying very little except she didn't cheat. She said very little after that and it’s been about 35 days of total silence from her. This is by far the cruelest form of torture I have ever received in my life. My last contact attempt with her was 10 days ago. I have become obsessed with spying on her in desperation of finding answers. Can someone please give me a logical reason as to why I shouldn't be doing this? The way I look at it: If she’s with someone else then I’ll know exactly what type of person she is and that she has moved on. It would explain a lot and if she ever came back I wouldn't be here. I won’t let myself be second best cause the grass is greener on the other side. It would make it so much easier for me to walk away and give me the desperately needed motivation of making my life the best it can be. However, if I find she’s just doing her normal thing and taking time to herself then I can respect that. That gives me hope and helps me wait patiently that there still might be a chance. Everyone just keeps saying that it’s bad to do this and I shouldn't be. But why? The only reasons I can come up with is so far is I’m wasting gas and wasting my time. There is very little chance she would catch me so I’m not worried about that. Finding out the answers to so many questions I have is priceless.
Renard99 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Because it's unhealthy for you. You're already dedicating time and money to someone who you're no longer with. How much further will it go? Yeah, you have questions, a lot of us did (or even still do) but the longer you dwell on them, the longer you stay stuck in the past. You say that you'll move on when you have the answers but what if you don't get them? what happens if you get a question answered but all it does is pose more questions? There's always the possibility that you could come to the wrong conclusion. You could, for example, see her with another guy moving stuff in and think 'ah ha, caught her' when in fact she's just renting out a room (or a million and one other things with an innocent explanation) The whole thing will just mess with your mind and the longer you do it the more you'll become desperate and obsessed. I didn't get any answers when my ex walked out on me. She tried to give me some but they were all conflicting, generic or lacked substance. I began by looking for answers and to begin with it consumed me, but eventually I thought 'why does it matter?'. Nothing changed the fact that she was gone and wanted nothing to do with me. It felt like reading the 'troubleshooting' section of a manual for a car that I no longer owned, I just didn't see the point. Basically, what I'm saying is that the longer you look towards her for answers, the longer it is before you let her go. And.... if nothing else.... spying on an ex like that is all a little bit creepy, don't you think? 6
Joan Clyde Parafina Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 The very reason why you cannot picked yourself up is because you're staying on the same ground --having no urge to get up. Hoping and waiting are not bad at all, but it must be dealt in a way with a foot forward. Passively waiting can destroy you and even restrain you from better things ahead of you. Spying your ex, reading her posts, getting updates of her whereabouts only tie you or if worse, imprison you. Picking one's self starts with the ability to stand again, set a foot forward, and take the baby steps. It might be really hard at first, but that's a universal truth, literally and figuratively. You can look back from your past, but that should not stop you from moving forward. After all, spying is far lot different from waiting.
Author sattech200 Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Thanks guy’s for taking the time to give such thoughtful feedback. I guess I've told me self most of the stuff at various times but doesn't start to sink in till I hear it from someone else. I just know this is the biggest issue I need to work on right now….according to everyone else. I will highlight this page and keep going over and over it when the urges start to come up. What I do know at this point. It seems that when I start to think about it I start to obsess over it. I've beat myself up pretty bad over this one and just keep blaming myself. I’ve had a run of pretty bad setbacks in life over the past few years. If I knew this had a lot to do with another guy it would really help me feel better about myself. It seems when I start to think about it I then start to obsess over it, happens more so when I’m laying in bed at night. All that keeps going through my mind is her out having the time of her life with another guy because I wasn’t there for her. Then the next thing I know I can’t fight the urge but to go take a drive. Then I find that she’s at home all alone. I know that means very little though. Almost immediately, I get real happy again cause it gives me a little bit of hope that there still might be a chance. That she’s probably just taking time to herself which I can fully respect. Ughh so damn confusing. But regardless, I do seriously need to start working on other areas of my life. Just so damn hard finding the desire and motivation when it seems every time I try my mind wonders back to her.
cdt76 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 My question is what do you know about this other guy and her? Where did they go and how much time where they together. Other than "I didn't cheat" that's all she said about the situation? If that's the case....she cheated. She won't give you answers you need because she cheated and feels like dirt because of it. She wanted the ultimate commitment from you in the form of marriage and yet she couldn't remain faithful without it. What makes you think she would remain faithful married? NOTHING! She lied. She cheated and she won't ever give you the answers you are looking for. She won't ever ask for forgiveness and she won't ever come clean about what she has done. I've experienced this type of woman. She is gone and she is gone for good. She can't look at you in the face anymore because she is a liar and a cheater and so she has to move on. So do you my friend. It's going to suck for a long time because you have to come to that reality, that she was not the woman you thought she was. That's the hardest part. 2
Dragonfruit Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) What stood out here to me is that she left you for snooping. And now you are still snooping. And asking, "What's wrong with snooping?" One thing I can think of that's wrong with snooping is that it seems to make girlfriends leave you. Was your snooping an issue in your relationship? I'm wondering if maybe she really didn't cheat but got tired of being confronted with "evidence" found by snooping. Is that be a possible scenario? Edited March 13, 2013 by Dragonfruit
coltsfan1 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Men and woman both snoop, its just part of reality. But once a breakup has taken place the dumpee has to stop snooping, the dumpers business is no longer any of the dempees concern. The more you snopp after a breakup the more you are dragged down. You have to force yourself to turn those feelings off, it just takes different people longer to realize it.
big bear Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 The way I look at it: If she’s with someone else then I’ll know exactly what type of person she is and that she has moved on. It would explain a lot and if she ever came back I wouldn't be here. I won’t let myself be second best cause the grass is greener on the other side. It would make it so much easier for me to walk away and give me the desperately needed motivation of making my life the best it can be. It's not that easy even if she is with someone else. You will compare and what not. However, if I find she’s just doing her normal thing and taking time to herself then I can respect that. That gives me hope and helps me wait patiently that there still might be a chance. If that is the case, then would snooping help, think yourself. And personal experience no answer is worth it.
Dragonfruit Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Also, I think snooping just makes you feel crazed and sick to your stomach. You don't find answers or closure or anything that would get you what you need. You find crazy-making tidbits. A phone number scribbled on a scrap of paper, half a ticket stub, an item that might belong to the opposite sex. Then what? Nope, nothing good comes of it. Better to go find a new one. 1
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