:'( Turning into a teenager over a boy.

[ChristineP]

I feel miserable. My boyfriend and I (early 20s) had a talk maybe two or 3 weeks ago in which we didn't know if we were going to stay together. He says he likes me a lot and part of him wants to be with me for a very long time, but the other part of him thinks I'm not what he always pictured for himself and we don't have much in common.

However, he was the one to suggest things we could do together to strengthen our relationship. We didn't break up that night.

 

So after this conversation we didn't talk for several days, I had my pity party, crying my eyes out preparing for the break up, then he asked me to come hang out with him in his hometown over spring break. I went over and we hung out, I was expecting "the talk" when he would finally end it. We talked a little more about our issues, and when I hinted that we should maybe break up his face got flushed and red, I saw him frown out of the corner of my eye, and he seemed upset. I had said something like, "I don't know what we should do..." and he seemed upset all of sudden and really hesitantly said, "what do you mean....what do you think we should do?" The day ended up ok. It was a little awkward at first, but it turned out fine I think. We played video games and made out on the couch, haha. He kissed me goodbye, told me to have fun with my family (i was headed home) and said he'll see me in a couple weeks after break.

 

Now the problem is, he hasn't talked to me in a week now. No texts, no FB messages, no calls, no nothing, seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. Now, he hasn't IGNORED me, cause i haven't tried to contact him. But it isn't like him to not talk to me most days. The way we ended that day seemed like we were both wanting to stay together, but now I have no idea. I don't want to push myself on him, demanding answers, especially since he seemed like he was willing to try and work it out.

 

I'm so confused, and I haven't gone without talking to him for this long in a LONG time, I miss him like crazy and I feel like throwing up every time I think about the situation right now. I don't want to bother him if he's taking this time to think about it, but I don't want him to think I don't miss him either.

 

HELP. :'(

[geegirl]

If a man told me that I'm not what he pictured for himself, I would tell him to walk.

 

You either take control, in that you tell him to s*** or get off the pot, or you wait around hoping for him to choose you. You have a say in the relationship. He doesn't get to decide what he wants to do. You get to decide as well.

 

I'm afraid to push him mentality is just you working on his terms because you're afraid he'll drop the bomb. So best to tip toe around him so he won't make a decision, a decision that you're afraid of.

 

The thing is if someone wanted to be with you, they wouldn't be staying away, they would be getting closer.

 

A couple of things. He will use you to get the perks of a relationship without actually being in one, everytime he sees you, until he decides he can't anymore. His silence may in fact mean that he realizes that he can't do it and is now in avoidance mode.

 

Either way you look at it, you shouldn't be sitting around going bananas desperately waiting for someone to love you back.

Edited March 12, 2013 by geegirl

[aussietigerwolf]

Talk to him and find out where you stand.

[Lost Fish]

Wow, I was in this exact situation when I was in college. I even visited the girl in her hometown in Iowa (I'm from Chicago), then came back home for the remainder of my break - in which she didn't contact me for many days.

 

I remember I emailed her and got a short message back. That really upset me so I stopped emailing her back. When we got back to campus a week or so later she came over and broke up with me.

 

I sort of have the same feeling that this guy is losing interest and energy with you, Christine. You shouldn't feel this lonely in a relationship! You are perfectly within your rights to ask him wtf is going on (honestly I'd text that to him right now "WTF is going on??" lol).

 

And if things end it might hurt like hell, but you can't keep living in this cloud of weird fear and anxiety about him. Screw that. You deserve better. You're a person too.

 

Either way, LoveShack will be here to help you... and that counts for something.

 

Be strong. You'll be ok.

[ChristineP]

well, I just found out today that his friend (best friend's brother) died in a car accident yesterday. This doesn't let him off the hook for the last week, but I'm definitely not going to interrogate him about our relationship as of right now. I guess I'll just have to deal for a little bit more. All in all, what a sad situation...

[ChristineP]

you know what I don't get though? this morning i said something on facebook, and he was the first to comment on it. Within seconds. I mean, I know the whole "omg he liked my facebook post" discussion gets old, but to me, it seems like he's not completely avoiding me. If he were just trying to break up without breaking up, he wouldn't want to remind me he's there. And the comment was about something we both learned we mutually liked. It was kind of a connecting point between us.

 

Ugh. Thanks for being supportive guys. I need it.

[geegirl]

you know what I don't get though? this morning i said something on facebook, and he was the first to comment on it. Within seconds. I mean, I know the whole "omg he liked my facebook post" discussion gets old, but to me, it seems like he's not completely avoiding me. If he were just trying to break up without breaking up, he wouldn't want to remind me he's there. And the comment was about something we both learned we mutually liked. It was kind of a connecting point between us.

 

Ugh. Thanks for being supportive guys. I need it.

 

Yes, "omg he liked my facebook post" means nothing. You're looking at it from an emotional standpoint. You'll read into every little thing. Trust when he hits "like" he's hitting it because he just likes it. He's detached. Dumpers don't read into things as much we dumpees do.

 

And instead of looking at crumbs, try looking at the bigger picture in that he told you that you're not what he pictured he would be with and that you both don't have much in common. And that he has now avoided any mature and direct contact with you for a week.

 

You really have to stop holding on to little bits of crumbs and looking at it as a sign. Find your courage and take back your power.

Edited March 14, 2013 by geegirl

[ChristineP]

Yes, "omg he liked my facebook post" means nothing. You're looking at it from an emotional standpoint. You'll read into every little thing. Trust when he hits "like" he's hitting it because he just likes it. He's detached. Dumpers don't read into things as much we dumpees do.

 

And instead of looking at crumbs, try looking at the bigger picture in that he told you that you're not what he pictured he would be with and that you both don't have much in common. And that he has now avoided any mature and direct contact with you for a week.

 

You really have to stop holding on to little bits of crumbs and looking at it as a sign. Find your courage and take back your power.

 

I'm sure there's a chance you'll turn out to be right, but I've always been able to tell how he feels before he tells me and something just doesn't add up. After his "nothing in common" comment, we had talked about it, and he said we actually do, he just "doesn't know what it is he feels so he freaks out". ?? Last we talked, we were playing video games together, he was hugging me, kissing, talking out our issues, upset when I questioned a break up. He was the one that told me he missed me and invited me over. We said goodbye and he said he'd see me in a couple weeks. He's even decided to quit smoking and is doing it, which he always said he wanted to do because he knew I (quietly) didn't like it.

What would have made him go from all that to not talking to me?

 

I told the short version. The long version is that we took a break right after we got together because he was dealing with a ton of outside stresses. He said he needed to think, and immediately went to see a therapist. He ended up telling me he wanted me back for about 3 months before I decided he might actually be serious. I'm no sucker for sappy lines, but he really sincerely told me that he wanted me in his life, and regretted ending it. A little while later he said I made him want to be a better person. (I know, sappy) but he said it with complete honesty. I can spot a liar and a fake from years away, even if he lied about something small I'd notice. I just really don't get what I missed. I know that ranting about it won't help the situation, but if you guys aren't willing to let me grieve who is?

 

Also, I think it's rude to say that grieving for a relationship that means a lot to you is losing your courage. I don't need the girl power talk here. I'm good.

[geegirl]

Also, I think it's rude to say that grieving for a relationship that means a lot to you is losing your courage. I don't need the girl power talk here. I'm good.

 

It has nothing to do with "girl power". I'm sorry you can't see further than that. I said that to have you find the courage to make a decision for yourself rather than leave it all to him to decide your fate.

 

Grieving for a relationship is one thing. But sitting back and waiting for man to choose you is a different story. I wasn't confusing the two. You shouldn't either. This has nothing to do with grieving, but FEAR.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you find your way.

Edited March 14, 2013 by geegirl

[ChristineP]

Well, I took the advice here. Turns out he didn't want to break up, he was going to come visit me tomorrow. But I didn't find this out until after I had just given up and told him we should break up. And of course, he was already on edge from his friend passing away, so he wasn't very forgiving. It was brutal.

So I just broke up with him when we could have probably worked it out. I was trying to protect myself and it blew up in my face. Someone please tells me this will get better because I'm so upset right now I just feel like throwing up and laying in bed forever. Or worse. texting and calling him until he comes over and talks with me.