McGriff Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 First posting, longtime follower... Ok, so long story short...met this woman, I'm 42 recently divorced, she's 27. We had a 5 month relationship and everything was amazing. Great sex, hung out everyday, did all kinds of stuff and she was talking moving in, met her family, she met mine etc etc. 3 weeks ago she dumped me out of nowhere. Not really sure what happened, but I'm 90% sure it wasn't another guy (according to her). She may be BSing I don't know. I did tell her I was 38 when I first met her, and came clean a month in. She was upset and broke it off but came back 2 days later, after that everything was right on track. Then suddenly she became distant and lowered the boom a couple days later. I was crushed but I didn't let her know immediately. I gave her a week of space and she started texting me that she missed me and loved me. I said the same and we arranged to meet to drop off some of her things (and I gave her son a birthday gift.) Hung out for an hour at her place and she gave me a kiss on my way out saying 'I'll be around.' A couple days go by and she calls me just kind of saying what's up and giving her plans for the weekend and asking me what I'm doing. I ask her if we can hangout sometime next week and she's like 'I'll let you know.' Last Sunday morn, she texted me 'I kinda feel like coming over and snuggling with you.' I write back "do that" and she says 'but it's raining'. I didn't answer the text but called her an hour later and got VM. It pissed me off because I really think she was checking on me to see if I was with a chick (she's jealous) and just playing games to see if I'm still on her hook/ego check. I texted her later that 'look we are gonna work on being together or not, I can't do the friends thing right now, I have options and while I love you, I can't play these bull**** games.' She wrote back 'do what you need to do, nothing is gonna be different right now.' So I've initiated NC since (2 days), so I guess now I just wait? I think I just need to let my work in the relationship weigh on her mind right now, because I know she misses me. I've got my **** together (house, job, money) and she doesn't really have anything but knuckleheads orbiting her. I do have a couple of ladies who want to date me, but I've avoided them since i met this one, and one of them hit me up this weekend. What do you guys think? Do i just sit and wait? I really value the badass advice given on these boards! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 She was pulling on the leash to make sure the dog was still there. Throwing you breadcrumbs. But, your last text to her pissed her off and you saw her true colors. She said it herself, do what you need to do because NOTHING IS CHANGING! She pretty much told you she isn't coming back. I would hold off on any serious dating until you had time to heal from this. It wouldn't be fair to the girl that you would date. But, nothing says you can't go out and have a good time. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 You're a 42 year old man waiting for some head in the clouds 27 year old to choose you. You're recently divorced. Go out and date and have fun. Go out and meet women that have at least lived life a little. She sounds young, immature and emotionally unavailable. And if there are knucleheads orbiting around her, chances are she's a knucklehead that at some point is going to pick one of these knuckleheads. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGriff Posted March 12, 2013 Author Share Posted March 12, 2013 Thanks Chitown. Appreciate the words. I'm just so confused at how quickly this thing crashed. I mean we were inseparable through valentines day until the following weekend. Something happened, and I'm pulling my hair out trying to figure out what happened. Yes, I think my text did piss her off, but I'm fine with that because I don't like being played. I do miss her and love her though, so I still have hope, but we'll see what happens over the next few days, weeks or months... Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGriff Posted March 12, 2013 Author Share Posted March 12, 2013 @geegirl You know that's exactly what I need, somebody to slap some damn sense into me...I think I'm just too close to this still, and have some issues to work on myself. I was in a 14 year marriage until last year, and this was my first serious relationship following that, so I'm definitely rusty in the dating game. I'm mad at myself for falling for this woman, and the resulting pain of the breakup. I think a little weeklong getaway on a beach somewhere should do wonders to clear my head. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 @geegirl You know that's exactly what I need, somebody to slap some damn sense into me...I think I'm just too close to this still, and have some issues to work on myself. I was in a 14 year marriage until last year, and this was my first serious relationship following that, so I'm definitely rusty in the dating game. I'm mad at myself for falling for this woman, and the resulting pain of the breakup. I think a little weeklong getaway on a beach somewhere should do wonders to clear my head. I have a guy friend, at 43 going through the same thing you are. 13 year marriage, just divorced, and grabbing on to dear life as a 28 year old runs him through the ringer with her games. Get out there and have some fun. This is not the time to be getting caught up with game playing relationships and women that have no sense about what they want. If you are rusty in the dating game, then go out and meet women but have zero expectations of "I-must-have" a relationship. You'll be able to slowly sharpen your dating skills. Just like interviewing for a job. If you haven't interviewed in awhile, you get rusty. But after several interviews, you start to get your game on. Same thing. And I am sure you are carrying emotional baggage so maybe it would also be a good time to spend at least a couple of years being alone and working on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGriff Posted March 12, 2013 Author Share Posted March 12, 2013 I have a guy friend, at 43 going through the same thing you are. 13 year marriage, just divorced, and grabbing on to dear life as a 28 year old runs him through the ringer with her games. That's strikingly similar to me. Nice to know I'm not alone! It sucks because I think to myself 'wow, I've met this amazing woman 6 months after my divorce, how lucky am I?" Only to find that she's playing games. Nonetheless, I am a good looking guy, take care of myself, and I'll move on. I know I am weak for her right now though, so hopefully she won't reach out with her flirtations and try to reel me back in. If I can get to a month NC, I think I'll be in the clear... Link to post Share on other sites
OwlSoul Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 What to do? ^.^ McGriff, depends on what do you want really... I am sure she still can get her feelings back to you. But it all depends on how do you act and understand the situation. Do not blindly follow all the advises since every person and the situation are different. Gonna share some of my own experience though. I've been reading all those 'get your Ex back books', pop-psychology books about relationships and etc. Honestly, none of them satisfied me, since they never really explained the relationship patterns, why break-ups happen, why they are going to happen again and etc. Out of the good 2 dozens of books I've read only 'The Passion Trap: Where is Your Relationship Going?' gave clear understanding of the picture. Every relationship is based on the balance of the attraction powers of the partners. Once one of the partners feels him/herself less attractive or unsecure, the relationships starts getting unbalanced. So the unsecure partner starts to panic and showing more love (initiating contacts, leading the communication, gifts, desiring more sex) in hope that this will get back the second partner. But meh, the second partner starts getting distanced more and more. As far as I can see, you kind of lost your attraction for her once you've said your age. So the relationship was unbalanced. So welp, like everyone advises, you should work on getting less interested in her, sorting out your life, focusing your emotions on your work/hobby, maybe even starting seeing someone else. Truly distance yourself to the point where you're hardly interested in her. Otherwise nothing is going to work out even if you'll get back together. The easiest part is to get the person back. You never fall out love, there is always charcoal left to fire. Hardest one is to save the relationship, since you're most likely to not to trust her and feel like she is going to leap away. Therefore, the relationship will be unbalanced. This is why second chances most likely not to work really. I've made this mistake just a week ago... My ex (1 year), who dumbed me and said he doesn't want relationship with me, showed up after one month saying he was an idiot and he never stopped loving me, that he broke up because he was scared that it's not going to work and blah-blah-blah. Okie, we started casually seeing each other. All started well, but at some point I got jealous. I tried not to show it, but he knows me very well. So he lost interest again and asked for some space. Now he is roaming around again -.- Meanwhile I was helping to my friend who started lost all the interest in his girlfriend. She was told the basic concepts of the paradox, started working on her social status, getting friends instead of being focused only on the guy. As a result, he feels more attracted to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGriff Posted March 12, 2013 Author Share Posted March 12, 2013 OwlSoul, Thank you for your words. I have also done some study in attraction theory and push/pull. All those things are always in play. As for my age, it didn't affect her attraction for me, because she invested MUCH MORE in emotional feelings after that. I mean, at one point a couple months ago she called me the "love of her life", and I remember thinking at the very moment about the theory of attraction and how I was obviously at or near 100%. She would text me 20-30 times a day and call me 5-10 times, and we would stay with each other at least 5 nights a week. Somehow it just went off a cliff, and I don't have any answers. It's VERY frustrating. Now my phone lies dormant (haha). I'm in the 2nd day of NC, and it is very hard. Ironically, it seems like I'm more depressed than I was going through my divorce, but I think that has to do with the long term unhappiness of the marriage. I really miss her, and hope that she will see that 1) the grass isn't greener, if that's why she left 2) that you can't take for granted a connection like the one we had 3) that the feelings and emotions we generated during the relationship will ultimately bring her back. We'll see. There's not much I can do now, except take care of myself, put one foot in front of the other, and live my life to the fullest. Hell, last weekend I went skydiving, and the whole time I was wishing she was there with me. It sucks, but I just want to be either divested emotionally from her and healed or I want her to come back. This pain in the meantime is just like being stuck in mud. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGriff Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 She just texted me "so you're mad at me?" Should I ignore? Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Yes, if you are committed to NC as a way to gather yourself, heal, and move on. This "breadcrumb" text has no real substance, and responding to it will most likely result in your feeling much worse. Stay strong, and take care of yourself. Whatever else happens, you need to give yourself time and space to process this loss. Sending good thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 P.S. if you need support/encouragement/encouragment for keeping NC, look at these recent posts from folks who regret breaking it because they set back their healing process considerably. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/378962-learn-my-mistakes http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/379054-i-broke-nc-what-fool-i-am 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGriff Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Yeah, it's hard, because I love her so much, but I'm gonna ignore it. She wants an ego stroke, and I'm not gonna give her that satisfaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 I think this is wise. Breadcrumbs can be tantalizing, but they contain no real nourishment, you know? Stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
OJ loved Nicole Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 She just texted me "so you're mad at me?" Should I ignore? You're 42, do what you want. Keep in mind, if she wanted to be with you, she would be with you (it IS that simple). Maybe you can get a couple rounds of sex out of her, don't expect any more than that. 99% chance it's another guy. Women/people don't leave relationships to become monks and never date again. Hard truth.... she either has someone else in mind or something about you isn't appealing anymore. Unfortunately you can't ask what the problem is either. The litmus test: would you ever leave the woman of your dreams? Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGriff Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Ok craziness...I still haven't answered her text, BUT, the ex wife called me all drunk and in a moment if weakness, we had sex. Life is CRAZY right now. Somebody, I need to make sense of all this. Link to post Share on other sites
js1967 Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 What an awesome board. The ironic thing is, iM going through dealing with a hurtful break up myself, so I come here seeking good words. But I read other situations on here, and to me the solution seems pretty clear. But I cant seem to help myself much...WOW. Anyway, 27 years old? and Your 42? Why did you lie to her? To impress her? The age thing must be a hurdle that your scared. Women hate lying. I dont know why guys and gals lie at all. My suggestion, Dont get together with your ex wife, Stay away from the 27 year old. Go out and meet a nice lady 38-45. Lots of nice people out there, divorced, single. Just be upfront with them. To be honest and I am saying this to help, and I have been there myself my friend so Im just saying it bro to bro. Your letting your little head think for the big head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGriff Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Js, Thanks for the words. Yes, when I met my ex gf, I lied about my age because i look younger than I am. I really didn't think much of it at the time because I didn't think we would be so serious, that's why I let her know shortly thereafter. She was mad, no doubt, and rightfully so. She took a couple days to process it, and it was a lesson learned for me. Really stupid. I mean I'm only 42, I know that seems old for a lot of you lot, but like I said, I could easily pass for 32. Anyways, it was stupid, and I learned from it. As for thinking with my "little head", you're right, I had some drinks and the ex called me at the right time and things happened. Hey, I'm in survival mode right now, so a brief respite from the pain of the last 3 weeks was a welcome distraction. I did text the ex gf back last night to her text asking if "I was still mad at her?" I just answered "no, not mad at you" and she replied "ok". Link to post Share on other sites
js1967 Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Minolla Used on of my threads as an example as to what not to do. Look, learn from my mistake...I know everyone on here has a different situation and maybe believes that theirs is different. I was doing good, thought for a minute I was above the advice given on this board and just got slammed in the head with the reality 2x4.. Dont do it, just go for a run or something, get your mind somewhere else quick. Link to post Share on other sites
js1967 Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 McGriff Im 45, I have people say I look younger. I have talked to younger women and felt that urge to tell them something different, I mean, a smoking hottie, younger woman....its natural for us cavemen to do our best to impress. I know man. I turn the tables though... I own the age of 45 and am confident. If I have to tell a woman something Im not to try and impress her, man that says a lot about my confidence. Your 42 my friend, Own it, be it, Its what us Guys need to do! I think women appreciate that, and if they dont, then why do we want somebody who is shallow. when I was in my 20's I used to lie, or tell half truths and justify it. In The end, a lie will always come out and hurt one way or another. I grew up and learned if I truly was to be who I am, and not hurt people ever...which I try to be....I had to stop that lieing thing. Just some friendly guy advice here. Its all good! Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGriff Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Js, Haha, I here ya man---cavemen---that made me laugh. But seriously, I really don't have a confidence problem and I'm definitely not a liar. Just for clarity, the night I met my ex gf, I was hanging out with my father, and she was aggressive in chasing me, it was a crazy night, and a lot of flirtatious **** was spoken. ? Again, I didn't think anything serious was gonna develop, as I was new to the dating scene following my lengthy marriage. It was a lesson learned and will never happen again. I am not ashamed of my age or my place in life. I've accomplished alot and raised 2 wonderful kids in the process, one of whom is in college. Anyway, back to the topic, since I replied to her text, I guess I am back to day 1 of NC. I still know she misses me and loves me, what I don't know is why she is doing this and risking the possibility of a great relationship together. I do get excited when I hear from her, but I am waiting for that "I'm sorry, I love you, I want to make it work" text, as so far it hasn't come. Just breadcrumbs. Link to post Share on other sites
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