Reasons NOT to tell

[BetrayedH]

Just skimmed the thread.

 

Short answer, yes, the BS needs to know. In all situations.

 

Where I have a bit of an issue is whether it is the responsibility of the BS (who is in the know) to tell the other BS. If you (general you) feel it is right to tell the other BS in your affair quadrangle (new term!), then do it.

 

I apparently am in the minority because I did not tell the BH. I didn't even remotely consider this for months and by then I felt too much time had passed.

 

What I guess I have a problem with is all this insistence that a BS "has" to tell the other BS. That doesn't sit well with me. I feel like we as BS are already held up to "higher road" standard enough by the WS/AP. This just feels like another example of the demands imposed on the BS to always do the right thing, no matter what the circumstance.

 

There is enough of that in affairs. You know, all the drivel we hear as BSs:

 

1. The BS should never tell the children (even if they ask), if the BS does this, they are selfish and manipulative.

 

2. The BS should quit making it so hard for the WS to leave.

 

3. I would never play "marriage-police" with him if he were my husband.

 

4. The BS should just let them go and let true love prevail.

 

You know the drill...

 

Again, if a BS chose/chooses to disclose to the other BS, perfectly great. I just don't feel someone should feel like they have to.

 

What I really don't like is the advice that the other BS should be told so that they can help control the other WS from their end and make it harder to continue the affair. Like that is the whole purpose for the other BS...to control their errant spouse who is cheating with your spouse. Yuck.

 

I get where you are coming from. Personally, I don't think the BS is obligated or "owes" anything to the other BS. Obviously they don't. But no one "owes" common decency to anyone else either. I'm glad it exists regardless.

 

As for doing the "right" thing, I think everyone should aspire to do the right thing all the time. Admittedly, it's a tall order for a BS that's been shi t upon after doing the right thing. It took me six weeks to even care about the other BS. In the end, I'm glad I didn't ignore the right thing to do even though I was pretty significantly distracted.

[HonestNeurotic]

I don't think there are any hard and fast answers. Pretty sure that public humiliation is rather a primitive kinda paradigm to have rule ones life. Getting ones church or workplace involved. Some matters should be dealt with privately.

 

I do think that it's dependent on what your relationship is with the BS. If you don't know them, then what is your "duty" in disclosing something painful? Maybe, just maybe, they didn't want to know.

 

I realize that's not the majority's thoughts here on LS - but then, I expect there is a certain bias here as there is a REASON we all came here. The unsuspecting spouse that's never been any of these people - the WS, BS, OM, OW, AP - won't BE here posting in any large percentile.

 

I had a friend that was told about her husband screwing around. She kicked him to the curb. Because she always told him that she would, and she was stingy with her promises. Years later, she still felt so sad. She LIKED her life as it was. But once she knew, she could never erase the image from her mind. She could forgive, but never forget. Fortunately it was not quite so awful as they did not have children.

 

It's a dilemma. Knowledge is often agonizing. Pretty sure that if it were *I* that was dying, I'd not want to hear true confessions that would taint my happy memories. Because the only thing that could be changed would be my personal perceptions, it's only made ME unhappy, on top of the dying and pain. (and I really have no money or anything) So now I get to hear that I'm unloved? Does it make YOU feel better?

 

These are just questions in general. Not directed at anyone. I know that I personally cannot expect that what I look at as being the "right" thing to do may in reality not be so.

[Confused48]

 

What I really don't like is the advice that the other BS should be told so that they can help control the other WS from their end and make it harder to continue the affair. Like that is the whole purpose for the other BS...to control their errant spouse who is cheating with your spouse. Yuck.

 

Yuck? That's offensive. I mean, no, a BS can't "control" a WS. But bringing the A to the attention of the other BS sure can make the other WS think about the value of the A vs the value of right conduct. I don't see any yuck factor in that. In the dark the stinking A can grow. In the light it typically dies. If your motivation is to kill the A or make it less appealing, how is that yuck? I think yuck is reserved for sticking your head in the sand and hoping things will sort themselves out without having to say anything about it. Having your head in the sand while you could slow or stop the damage to others is just wrong.

[Snowflower]

I get where you are coming from. Personally, I don't think the BS is obligated or "owes" anything to the other BS. Obviously they don't. But no one "owes" common decency to anyone else either. I'm glad it exists regardless.

 

As for doing the "right" thing, I think everyone should aspire to do the right thing all the time. Admittedly, it's a tall order for a BS that's been shi t upon after doing the right thing. It took me six weeks to even care about the other BS. In the end, I'm glad I didn't ignore the right thing to do even though I was pretty significantly distracted.

 

Yuck? That's offensive. I mean, no, a BS can't "control" a WS. But bringing the A to the attention of the other BS sure can make the other WS think about the value of the A vs the value of right conduct. I don't see any yuck factor in that. In the dark the stinking A can grow. In the light it typically dies. If your motivation is to kill the A or make it less appealing, how is that yuck? I think yuck is reserved for sticking your head in the sand and hoping things will sort themselves out without having to say anything about it. Having your head in the sand while you could slow or stop the damage to others is just wrong.

 

I guess I'm just a lousy person then for not doing the right thing in regards to the other BS. Thanks. I guess that lousiness is why my H cheated on me. I was a BS too, who did the best I could under the circumstances.

[BetrayedH]

I guess I'm just a lousy person then for not doing the right thing in regards to the other BS. Thanks. I guess that lousiness is why my H cheated on me. I was a BS too, who did the best I could under the circumstances.

 

Sorry, Snow. I never meant to imply that. I really don't blame much of any BS for how they react post-Dday unless there's violence involved. Hell, I had an RA and went to jail for wife-tossing so I'm certainly in no place to judge. I'm just talking about a hypothetical world where we are left with an ethical choice to expose to the BS or not. It's a philosophical discussion. And in my view, while no one is obligated to do it, it seems the right thing to do with few (if any) exceptions. My sincere apologies for any offense.

[Confused48]

I guess I'm just a lousy person then for not doing the right thing in regards to the other BS. Thanks. I guess that lousiness is why my H cheated on me. I was a BS too, who did the best I could under the circumstances.

 

Me too Snow. Sorry that what I did to protect myself and my R makes me a yuck to you. I guess I don't deserve a chance at recon bc the only reason I have that chance is that I'd did something so yucky as to tell the other BS about the A.

[Steadfast]

I do not trust ANY pastor (but my distrust goes back from the time I was young). I have seen too many cover the own butts and in the end they appear to be about protecting their own.

 

"Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

 

Christ was speaking to Thomas the the other disciplines when he said this, but the phrase "No one" translates to mean exactly what it says.

 

So many things Christ said that were recorded were directed to the Apostles or the Jews in his audience. They apply to us, but were not directed to us; those now living under the new covenant. You are right; know what you are reading, why it was written, and to whom. Bravo!

 

This means what? Your pastor walks his own path. He is not in your shoes. He is not your intermediary. He is just another man. I encourage you to not hold God responsible for the actions of those who claim (truly or otherwise) to follow Him. My goal and yours is to see salvation through Christ, the church. I am sorry for your strife and the hardships caused by your decisions, but they can and will mold you into an amazing force.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. It means more to me that I can express.

[Lostinlife4now]

Are there any good reasons not to expose an affair to a BS? I'd love to see a healthy intellectual and respectful discussion on the merits of any/all reasons not to tell. I'm primarily thinking of exposure by an OW/OM but if you have other scenarios where you think someone else shouldn't tell, I think those are valid discussions, too.

 

Until recently, I felt that there were no good reasons to keep such a thing hidden from a BS. A recent thread brought up a scenario where the BS has a terminal illness. Considering the physical toll Dday had on me (lack of sleep and loss of 40lbs), it was a compelling argument to me. If others have compelling reasons, I'd like to hear them and request a respectful debate.

 

 

The reason I won't tell....I don't need her mentally unstable arse to be flopping around on my front lawn.

[BetrayedH]

The reason I won't tell....I don't need her mentally unstable arse to be flopping around on my front lawn.

 

I'm guessing you must have some experience with her?

[Lostinlife4now]

I'm guessing you must have some experience with her?

 

 

A little. Met her Years ago. I thought she was mentally unstable then. now she is much worse! That is one of the reasons I stopped the affair. Told xmm you have a sick wife at home go take care of her and stop worrying about yourself.

 

You reap what you sow! He calls her a burden. Darlin, we all have burdens.

For better or worse, in sickness and health!

[BetrayedH]

A little. Met her Years ago. I thought she was mentally unstable then. now she is much worse! That is one of the reasons I stopped the affair. Told xmm you have a sick wife at home go take care of her and stop worrying about yourself.

 

You reap what you sow! He calls her a burden. Darlin, we all have burdens.

For better or worse, in sickness and health!

 

I just briefly read your first post on your last OM/OW thread (over a year ago) and you seemed to feel sympathy for her that he had "gotten away with murder." At the time you suspected that it would eventually come out. I recognize that OW take a risk by exposing to the BS (you never know what they'll do) but considering that you felt empathy for her, do you have any interest in sharing the truth with her?

[BetrayedH]

By the way, thanks for responding; I know it's not fun for OW to be on this forum.

 

My other thought is that perhaps the truth would set her free in some way. Gaslighting can make a BS crazy. Maybe the truth would be enough for her to make a break from him?

[Lostinlife4now]

I just briefly read your first post on your last OM/OW thread (over a year ago) and you seemed to feel sympathy for her that he had "gotten away with murder." At the time you suspected that it would eventually come out. I recognize that OW take a risk by exposing to the BS (you never know what they'll do) but considering that you felt empathy for her, do you have any interest in sharing the truth with her?

 

 

Good question BetrayedH.....

 

I do feel sorry for her! I feel sorry for anyone dealing with sickness. Do I really need to add more burdens to her life? I feel she should know the truth. But when I confronted xmm about my intentions he was crying and begging like a little baby, Oh Please don't mess up my kids...I can't deal with the drama, I travel all over the world...blah blah blah....I actually wanted to throw up. See here's the thing...I don't know how she could NOT HAVE KNOWN....I asked him "IS SHE THAT STUPID" and he answered YES. So what was he doing to lie or compartmentalizing at home? That is one question I always want an answer to: HOW MUCH LYING WAS HE DOING TO ME, and the only way I would find out is by talking to her!

 

She would never divorce him...He makes too MUCH money and she likes the money! And he is also a good dad. But how can he be a good dad when cheating on their mother for as long as he did? He is a master manipulator and climbing the corporate ladder to CEO. Somehow I think CEO and NPD go hand in hand.

[Lostinlife4now]

By the way, thanks for responding; I know it's not fun for OW to be on this forum.

 

My other thought is that perhaps the truth would set her free in some way. Gaslighting can make a BS crazy. Maybe the truth would be enough for her to make a break from him?

 

 

No problem! I will always try and give my best advice or experiences to anyone I can help! fow or not.

 

Gaslighting...I think that's what made her sick! I am not a doctor, but.....

[Snowflower]

Sorry, Snow. I never meant to imply that. I really don't blame much of any BS for how they react post-Dday unless there's violence involved. Hell, I had an RA and went to jail for wife-tossing so I'm certainly in no place to judge. I'm just talking about a hypothetical world where we are left with an ethical choice to expose to the BS or not. It's a philosophical discussion. And in my view, while no one is obligated to do it, it seems the right thing to do with few (if any) exceptions. My sincere apologies for any offense.

 

Hey, no need to apologize! I was being overly-sensitive.

 

You are one of my favorite posters on LS, BH! You have learned so much from that horrible experience dumped on you and have come out a better person for it. In turn, I've learned a lot from you, which tells me I'm still a work in progress, because my d-day was longer ago than yours. I'm a slow learner, I've realized!

[BetrayedH]

Hey, no need to apologize! I was being overly-sensitive.

 

You are one of my favorite posters on LS, BH! You have learned so much from that horrible experience dumped on you and have come out a better person for it. In turn, I've learned a lot from you, which tells me I'm still a work in progress, because my d-day was longer ago than yours. I'm a slow learner, I've realized!

 

Thanks goodness that's over. I was nervous I'd chased you away.

 

As for learning, I'm certainly still a work in progress as well. Recently I've been interested in looking at some of my old posts because I know that some positions of which I was quite confident have morphed as of late. It has a way of humbling my responses. The last thing I want to do is offend one of my favorite posters who has seen me (and been there for me) at my worst.