[Open Debate]: Your definition of 'cheating'

[MissBee]

How many of you would consider it cheating if your significant other was talking to someone outside of your relationship about their unhappiness in your relationship? What if they were talking to an old friend? What if that friend was the opposite gender?

 

This is amazing to me that talking can be considered cheating. Do people not discuss their relationships with others outside of their relationships? Do people not have discussions about their sex lives (not detailed, just a general "no, we aren't having sex" or "yeah, I'm happy with our sex life" kind of convo) with their friends?

 

I think it falls under the category of betrayal and betrayal includes cheating as well as any other behaviors that undermine your relationship which may have nothing to do with sex or romance.

 

If my friend/mom/husband is going through certain issues or has told me something in confidence and I decide to share their issues or problem with someone else who doesn't know them and whom they didn't agree could be told, that's a betrayal.

 

I can't really take this question in a vacuum, as the original context is about telling this to a FB friend, of the opposite sex, whom you've had an attraction to and whom you haven't seen in years about your relationship. In my eyes, why is this a necessary conversation for you to disclose with someone you aren't even close to? It's multiple reasons why it can be seen as disrespectful, oversharing and dangerous ground. It's tacky and inappropriate. I guess for me it seems obvious that people who like to tell people their business, even when they aren't close, have boundary issues. But people with boundary issues almost never see that they have them.

 

I discuss certain issues with CLOSE friends, not ex-boyfriends, not FB friends I don't really know like that, not opposite sex friends, not acquaintances, but my sister and 2 best friends if I'm gonna discuss it. But my relationship is my own, I value the sanctity of what goes on inside of it and if a casual FB friend pops up I don't see why I would need to tell them about the sex my man and I are or are not having....like how do you even get there? I don't see how it happens at all. "Hi how's your day?" "Great...except I haven't had sex in months with my gf" lol...I mean I don't know. The people who have relationships I admire and want to learn from, all of them have nuggets of wisdom about this kind of thing and most of it is along the lines of not speaking ill of your partner to others, regardless of your problem, going to them first, and being discrete about your issues as you never know how having a loose mouth may come back to bite you.I think that's wise and way more people get themselves in binds because of their ease of "sharing" and discussing intimate issues with coworkers, friends, anyone who they sort of know versus those who do not.

Edited October 25, 2013 by MissBee

[AlwaysGrowing]

Disclosing any private information to an outside party that is not friends of the marriage (ie: sibling, parent, therapists). Disclosing any private information without getting consent from your partner. Speaking negatively about your partner to others. Fostering opposite sex friendships outside the relationship. To name a few...are betraying the sanctity of the relationship.

 

As a partner, I should feel safe with sharing with my partner without them sharing to people that:

1. I do not want to know

2. I don't even know

3. People that don't know me

4. People that I do not respect

5.That have a bias

6.Have other motivations

 

It is just so distasteful to blabber about personal business to the world at large, who the f*(* wants their personal business for public fodder. And for your partner to be the one...that puts it out there....again...so disrespectful.

[underwater2010]

I see what you are saying, but as far as I know, he isn't hiding anything from her. She is aware that we recently found one another on FB, she is aware that he had a crush on me back in HS (He mentioned it on his FB profile publicly, it was pretty common knowledge back then, she is his friend on FB and sees all of his posts), and our mutual friends mentioned it and joked about it. Honestly, there aren't any of us who have any kind of thought that he and I have any further interest than reminiscing and laughing about that HS crush. He isn't the only guy that had a crush on me in HS that mentions it on FB or whatever, seems really harmless to me - as it was YEARS ago.

 

I have no reason to believe that he is lying to me - and he stated that he has tried to talk to her about this issue. He even posted something about them not being intimate, in a roundabout way with a picture share that he "agreed" with, on his public profile. So, I don't think it's a secret at all - or something he is ONLY sharing with me. He is kind of venting to everyone about it, in front of her on FB - so, I'm guessing if he is that open with his frustration to the public and in front of her that he has no problems bringing it up to her.

 

I guess for me, I'm just shocked at how tight some people hold their SOs. Imo, if someone is going to cheat on you, you aren't going to stop them by limiting their contact with the other gender. If the only thing standing between them and cheating on you is YOU (with limits and rules and self created boundaries), then I would be GONE. I don't have that kind of time or energy, or any desire to be in a relationship that I have to constantly police and worry about. I have zero problems with my SO discussing his frustrations with others - even other females - and have had it happen in the past and have no problem with it at all. I am not one that feels that we have to hash out every single little thing, ad nauseum, with only one another - and know of nothing that leads to relationship burnout faster than that!

I really don't think I came across clear enough.

 

If I felt the friendship with someone of the opposite sex was not productive to our marriage and I stated that I was uncomfortable about its current status and where it might be headed. I would expect my husband to respect me and my logic enough to end that friendship. I would not hold a gun to his head or her head.

 

In return, if my friendship made him uncomfortable or was toxic to our marriage I would end it no questions asked. And by the way I have.

 

To me...marriage comes before friendships. As long as there are logical reasons.

[underwater2010]

I see what you are saying, but as far as I know, he isn't hiding anything from her. She is aware that we recently found one another on FB, she is aware that he had a crush on me back in HS (He mentioned it on his FB profile publicly, it was pretty common knowledge back then, she is his friend on FB and sees all of his posts), and our mutual friends mentioned it and joked about it. Honestly, there aren't any of us who have any kind of thought that he and I have any further interest than reminiscing and laughing about that HS crush. He isn't the only guy that had a crush on me in HS that mentions it on FB or whatever, seems really harmless to me - as it was YEARS ago.

 

Can I tell you that MOW told my FWH the same thing. She had study hall with him and "always" had a crush on him. Their affair went from there. So when I say it is uncomfortable to see that type of conversation taking place you might understand a little more.

 

I have no reason to believe that he is lying to me - and he stated that he has tried to talk to her about this issue. He even posted something about them not being intimate, in a roundabout way with a picture share that he "agreed" with, on his public profile. So, I don't think it's a secret at all - or something he is ONLY sharing with me. He is kind of venting to everyone about it, in front of her on FB - so, I'm guessing if he is that open with his frustration to the public and in front of her that he has no problems bringing it up to her.

 

And by his passive aggressive nature, I am thinking his is a little immature and just looking for that woman that will latch on and feel sorry for him. It is called grooming.

 

I guess for me, I'm just shocked at how tight some people hold their SOs. Imo, if someone is going to cheat on you, you aren't going to stop them by limiting their contact with the other gender. If the only thing standing between them and cheating on you is YOU (with limits and rules and self created boundaries), then I would be GONE.

 

And that explains exactly how you have found yourself to be in the shoes of the OW. I comes down to boundaries and which lines you are willing to cross. Most of the boundaries are plain common sense and others are drawn by morality. It is not about holding someone tight, but demanding a little respect and awareness.

 

I don't have that kind of time or energy, or any desire to be in a relationship that I have to constantly police and worry about. I have zero problems with my SO discussing his frustrations with others - even other females - and have had it happen in the past and have no problem with it at all. I am not one that feels that we have to hash out every single little thing, ad nauseum, with only one another - and know of nothing that leads to relationship burnout faster than that!

 

It is called communication. Maybe the problem is that neither person did something to address the issues at hand. And if your significant other is unwilling to address your complaints/concerns then it can be a deal breaker.

 

see bolded.

[cocorico]

How many of you would consider it cheating if your significant other was talking to someone outside of your relationship about their unhappiness in your relationship? What if they were talking to an old friend? What if that friend was the opposite gender?

 

This is amazing to me that talking can be considered cheating. Do people not discuss their relationships with others outside of their relationships? Do people not have discussions about their sex lives (not detailed, just a general "no, we aren't having sex" or "yeah, I'm happy with our sex life" kind of convo) with their friends?

 

To me, the issue is what was explicitly agreed to by both partners, fully consenting to be bound by as "rules". If you've agreed to do (or not do) something, and you actively lead your partner to believe you are continuing to observe that agreement, then you are cheating. Otherwise not.

 

Knowing the rules, agreeing to the rules, choosing to deceive others into believing you are observing the rules while flouting the rules for personal gain.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It seems that you are in the minority here. I would personally consider your "limits" here pretty rigid and a little bit paranoid. Have you been cheated on? I think that some people are super sensitive to these "boundaries" because they think that if their cheating partner had followed these boundaries the cheating wouldn't have happened. I don't believe that. I believe that many people can have fluid or looser boundaries and NEVER cheat. But, I also believe that if someone is going to cheat - these boundaries aren't going to mean a thing and certainly aren't going to stop them.

 

I think, as adults, we all realize that our partners share some personal info about us with others - that's normal and healthy. To talk about our relationships, struggles and victories, with others, to get feedback, guidance, suggestions from other's experiences. I don't think it's healthy to expect your partner to ONLY talk to you about these things - you have too much invested, you are biased as the other half of the partnership. Sometimes, it's good to get some objective views and ideas and not just hear subjective ideas and views all the time.

 

I don't know many people that go around badmouthing their partners to others - for fun? I mean, usually, it's just someone is frustrated with something that their partner is or isn't doing and it's healthy to get perspective from others, get feedback, an objective view. I think that if two people in a relationship isolate themselves to the standards you mentioned above (not talking to others about anything without clearing it with the spouse or only with people the spouse knows?) that it leads to codependence and enmeshment, and neither of those are healthy or conducive to cohesive and functional relationships.

 

 

Minority doesn't mean wrong.

 

Its the who that your partner is going to for feedback. If its a stranger to me, wtf cares what they think, they are only hearing one side. Like I stated it would have to be someone that I also knew/respected/trusted. I think most feel that way.

 

Whether or not you think I am rigid/paranoid/super sensitive/biased/isolating/codependence/enmeshment is not relevant to the discussion. Something you pontificate that you are here to do.

[velvette]

Just had a really good debate in another thread and found that there are many different views on at what point it becomes classed cheating.

 

Your thoughts?

 

Sexual contact of any kind is cheating.

 

Emotional A with discussing feelings etc cheating.

 

There's a murkier area of inappropriate behavior that needs to be defined by the couple involved unless they are automatically in sync on this.

 

Discussing things that are private to the M with others is inappropriate. Discussing your sex life on facebook.....inappropriate and immature.

 

Friends of the opposite sex are unnecessary imo and generally not in the best interest of the M.

 

Usually a good rule of thumb is whether or not you would want your partner doing the same thing or as others have said if you would be ok with your partner knowing or seeing what you are doing.