I'm on family vacation & xMM called me after 4mo of silence. WHY?!!

March 4, 2013

Thanks LFH. You expressed better what I was trying to imply on my earlier post on this thread. This wouldve been an even longer initial post if I included the complete run down of my entire panel of emotions along with more detail about the fun I was having with my H on our long weekend trip.

Because again, those experienced and feelings I understand without outside help. Unlike the extremely confusing range of emotions and thoughts I feel hit with since xMM called out of nowhere. If he didnt miss me, what were his motives? Could they truly just be altruistic to keep in touch as friends? If he's so committed to his M, what does it say that he went to the extent to buy a burner phone? Is it sweet that he wanted to check in or is it disgusting that he's still betraying his W? Could we go back to just being friends that talk occasionally? Is it possible that she's not very hurt by the A, not displaying hyper vigilance, not asking any questions for details, not angry after only 4 months past DDay?

And TwoSad, FWIW, I also slept great last night, happily curled up back in my own bed with my H.

March 4, 2013

Remind me- does your spouse know about the affair?

And did you tell him OM called on vacation?

And that you answered?

I hope you did. Because I am actually kinda disturbed that you slept great, happily curled up against your H if you have that large a lie between you. That's some serious disassociation going on with you.

I think you will not be worried so much about the Mm's motivation if you focus in on your own marriage, and making it an honest and safe place.

Edited March 4, 2013 by Decorative

March 4, 2013

BrokenPrincess,

I've been a member here for over a year and early on I decided to only make my comments to the original poster. That's why I only have 30 posts.

I've been banned once before and realize that I shouldn't be offering my opinions on a forum that is contrary to every value I hold and have held in my forty years of marriage. I'll ban myself from this venue in the future.

I slept well last night and perhaps you did too but the difference is that I am happy with my fidelity and you are happy with taking your validation and satisfaction from the opposite choices you have made and getting pats on the head and back here. Two different lifestyles with the same resulting good night's sleep so who am I to question.

I wish good luck to you and those who love and support you and even more good luck to anyone who ultimately choses to stop loving you.

Twosadthings

BrokenPrincess (amazing how many women on this forum use princess in their ID),

I was going to edit my last post because I know I said I would ban myself from this forum but I'm either too old or unskilled to know how so here goes.

This morning while exercising I remembered that I had posted twice on your original thread in the infidelity forum six months ago. You lasted there only two days before you were redirected to the OM/OW forum by CuteDragon. It seems you found your spot but it also seems that you haven't come very far in the past six months because your still stuck in the same ditch you were in in October.

Your day of reckoning didn't happen last year and may not happen this year but rest assured it will happen. You may not be able to answer your husband when he asks why but I hope you'll be able to answer honestly when he asks "Was it worth it?"

Good luck and I hope you continue to sleep well either with your husband or alone,

Twosadthings

March 4, 2013

Here's my "unprofessional" take on why he reached out to:

- Ego stroke. Now that he's back trying to fix the broken marriage, the wife, pissed and bored, will never light up the way you did when he talked to you. She can kick his butt, but he it's flattery to know that back i n [name of city] he has a woman sweating him.

- Wants to be seen as the nice guy, after all. My ex reached out to via e-mail about three weeks back. The e-mail, was patronizing.

- He can process his feelings.

Don't beat yourself up. It's easy to fall prey for his tricks.

March 4, 2013

Yes, I did start on the Infidelity forum. I actually did not realize there was a speparate board for OM/OW until someone pointed it out. When I look back on my original post in October, I disagree...I do feel like I've come pretty far from then. At that point, I didn't even recognize myself. I was completely consumed, unable to function, and I honestly wasn't thinking of my H or family. I just felt like I'd been hit by an emotional truck and I didn't feel like I would ever come out of it. I stopped posting on that thread becasue to be honest with you, the comments from BS were so harsh and I hated myself so much, I couldn't handle it and I had very dark thoughts of just removing myself from this world because what was the point of me being here since I was such an awful person, which was only confirmed by the slew of responses. I will admit to you that I was too fragile to accept the slams, mocking posts, and criticism.

Since then, I did finally pull myself together a bit, guilt really set in, I saw a psychiatrist, started AD, and began IC to try to get myself back on the right path. I've focused myself back on my family and reconnecting to my real life. I know I am not recovered, but I am trying and I do feel like I've made some progress in 5 months.

I slept great primarily because I exhausted from this trip, but also because I have not dealt with the phone call situation. My therapist caled this morning & squeezed me in for an appointment tomorrow. I did also call a friend this morning, and I feel like I've gotten some better clarity now. It might sound stupid, but it really helped to actually talk through it out loud. I do not feel as focused as WHY he called, but more about deciding what I need to do to keep moving forward with my M. Intially, I thought we could be friends, but in talking through it today, and being honest with myself, I am not in a place where I can handle that. I am not over him, and I don't want to move any farther backwards than I already am.

My friend said she hates him and wishes she could slap him. She said she was so proud of the progress I've made and how much better I am doing (& the effort focusing on my M) than I was last October. She feels he was selfish beyond belief and why couldn't he just leave me alone. She comes from a divorced family (father was a SA, which I wasn't aware of when I finally confessed to her because I was afraid I wasn't going to make it those first few days). Today she started crying when I told her about the call because she was so sad for me, my H, and my son, and I was crying as well.

I am hoping in tomorrow's therapy session will be the last time I talk about this call. I want to pretend like it never happened.

March 4, 2013

Here's my "unprofessional" take on why he reached out to:

- Ego stroke. Now that he's back trying to fix the broken marriage, the wife, pissed and bored, will never light up the way you did when he talked to you. She can kick his butt, but he it's flattery to know that back i n [name of city] he has a woman sweating him.

- Wants to be seen as the nice guy, after all. My ex reached out to via e-mail about three weeks back. The e-mail, was patronizing.

- He can process his feelings.

Don't beat yourself up. It's easy to fall prey for his tricks.

Thank you. I will probably beat myself up for the rest of my life, but I appreciate the sentiment. I think you are especially right about being the nice guy. He prides himself on that reputation, and I honestly don't think there is anyone who doesn't like him (except everyone aware of our A). I'm sorry your ex reached out too. I hope you are finding yourself in a better place.

March 4, 2013

Yes, I did start on the Infidelity forum. I actually did not realize there was a speparate board for OM/OW until someone pointed it out. When I look back on my original post in October, I disagree...I do feel like I've come pretty far from then. At that point, I didn't even recognize myself. I was completely consumed, unable to function, and I honestly wasn't thinking of my H or family. I just felt like I'd been hit by an emotional truck and I didn't feel like I would ever come out of it. I stopped posting on that thread becasue to be honest with you, the comments from BS were so harsh and I hated myself so much, I couldn't handle it and I had very dark thoughts of just removing myself from this world because what was the point of me being here since I was such an awful person, which was only confirmed by the slew of responses. I will admit to you that I was too fragile to accept the slams, mocking posts, and criticism.

Since then, I did finally pull myself together a bit, guilt really set in, I saw a psychiatrist, started AD, and began IC to try to get myself back on the right path. I've focused myself back on my family and reconnecting to my real life. I know I am not recovered, but I am trying and I do feel like I've made some progress in 5 months.

I slept great primarily because I exhausted from this trip, but also because I have not dealt with the phone call situation. My therapist caled this morning & squeezed me in for an appointment tomorrow. I did also call a friend this morning, and I feel like I've gotten some better clarity now. It might sound stupid, but it really helped to actually talk through it out loud. I do not feel as focused as WHY he called, but more about deciding what I need to do to keep moving forward with my M. Intially, I thought we could be friends, but in talking through it today, and being honest with myself, I am not in a place where I can handle that. I am not over him, and I don't want to move any farther backwards than I already am.

My friend said she hates him and wishes she could slap him. She said she was so proud of the progress I've made and how much better I am doing (& the effort focusing on my M) than I was last October. She feels he was selfish beyond belief and why couldn't he just leave me alone. She comes from a divorced family (father was a SA, which I wasn't aware of when I finally confessed to her because I was afraid I wasn't going to make it those first few days). Today she started crying when I told her about the call because she was so sad for me, my H, and my son, and I was crying as well.

I am hoping in tomorrow's therapy session will be the last time I talk about this call. I want to pretend like it never happened.

Are you saying that betrayed spouses comments made you feel suicidal?

I hope you shared that with your therapist. That's terrible that this environment made you interpret it that way.

So you have not shared this with your spouse, correct?

I assume that is partly why you feel this way. You are attempting to put a bandaid over a bulletwound.

It won't heal. That's why you're taking comments from strangers to that level. You aren't grounded in reality.

I hope you can find a way to heal and recover. It can be really good. But

Not without honesty. And your reaction to his phone call shows that you have made very little progress so far. A healthy reaction would have been to never take the call.

March 4, 2013

Are you saying that betrayed spouses comments made you feel suicidal?

I hope you shared that with your therapist. That's terrible that this environment made you interpret it that way.

Yes, and I stopped reading my thread after that moment. I am thin-skinned as it is, and it was too much for me. That's when I decided to confide in 2 friends because I needed someone to talk to IRL. I also scheduled the psychiatrist then, and was put on 2 ADs.

Then once I started the IC, I finally felt like I was heading in the right direction. I wish I wouldn't have waited 3 months to do that because it finally gave me an outlet and perspective and tools to help me process what was going on.

So you have not shared this with your spouse, correct?

Correct

You aren't grounded in reality.

I hope you can find a way to heal and recover. It can be really good. But
Not without honesty. And your reaction to his phone call shows that you have made very little progress so far. A healthy reaction would have been to never take the call.

You're right...I was only flying like a crazy person spinning in my own head, and I needed to at least get it out. Honestly, the IC is helping a lot. I can't say for sure whether I will tell my H. I know the vast majority advise to confess, but I am not there, at least not right now.

My reaction was definitely not the healthy course of action, but I did think he was trying to call me for a reason. With information that might impact me, but now I know a little better what's going on in his house, and at least I am not wondering whether his W is wanting to talk to me or accept an apology, etc. It sounds like she is moving forward and is not concerned with me as the OW.

But, with that knowledge, it really doesn't matter. I need to do what is best for me and my M. The shock has worn off. I am really just feeling angry. Both at him and at myself for not telling him to f%^$ off.

I really don't do well with spontaneous phone call discussions. I don't think well on my feet with personal conversations. When we first kissed, it took me almost 2 weeks until I was ready to talk about it, and I still typed out a list of the points I wanted to make sure I covered because I did not trust that I would be able to do it once on the spot.

Thank you for your responses, Decorative.

March 4, 2013

BrokenPrincess,

After your recent post I'm going to imagine that I'm posting on the Infidelity forum. I can do that.

We can disagree about how far you've come but at least you acknowledge what you should do. Namely that you have to stop every connection with your lover both in thought and deed. You have to agree that that is what you need to come the rest of the way and protect your loved ones.

I know that when you read my posts they can be viewed as hurtful but I'd like to think of myself as someone who does not want to be purposefully hurtful. I'm going to suggest something that flies in the face of all that is espoused on the preserving a marriage after an affair sites because you don't seem as if you will ever to be able to reveal what you did to your husband.

When your faithlessness comes to light, as I suspect it ultimately will, you will need a grand gesture to somehow keep both him and you in the game. Today, write him a letter explaining everything you feel about him and your family and how he didn't deserve what you did to him. Sign and date it, have it notarized and keep it in a safe place. Until the moment that you have to produce it pray everyday that after your discovery day he will hang around long enough to read it and appreciate having a 100% remorseful wife and 100% of his children.

It most certainly bears repeating that you have to stop all contact and thinking about the far from quality guy you let into your life. To me that includes all of the seemingly self-validating threads you favor on this forum. The discovery of which by-the-way are just another way your husband can find you out.

Good luck and sleep tight,

Twosadthings

March 4, 2013

Since then, I did finally pull myself together a bit, guilt really set in, I saw a psychiatrist, started AD, and began IC to try to get myself back on the right path. I've focused myself back on my family and reconnecting to my real life. I know I am not recovered, but I am trying and I do feel like I've made some progress in 5 months.

All the more reason not to let him back into your life, even a few phone calls here and there. You've gone through hell and back - WHY put yourself through it all again by allowing him back into your life after so many months? It serves no purpose and no good can come of it. There are no good reasons for you two to keep in touch, only bad. And, it'll do harm to you, your marriage, what you feel towards your husband too.

You've worked hard to get through the pain and heartache, all the damage the A caused. Please reconsider cutting him out of your life for good. If you don't, the door is open a crack and he'll always be a distraction and on your mind.

March 5, 2013

All the more reason not to let him back into your life, even a few phone calls here and there. You've gone through hell and back - WHY put yourself through it all again by allowing him back into your life after so many months? It serves no purpose and no good can come of it. There are no good reasons for you two to keep in touch, only bad. And, it'll do harm to you, your marriage, what you feel towards your husband too.

You've worked hard to get through the pain and heartache, all the damage the A caused. Please reconsider cutting him out of your life for good. If you don't, the door is open a crack and he'll always be a distraction and on your mind.

You're right. There IS absolutely no good point to it, unless he was calling to say he left his W (he's not) and I wanted to leave my H (I don't)

I don't know why it feels so confusing and logic fails me in the moment. I think I might write myself a NC statement so I'm better prepared if he reaches out again.

March 5, 2013

You're right. There IS absolutely no good point to it, unless he was calling to say he left his W (he's not) and I wanted to leave my H (I don't)

I don't know why it feels so confusing and logic fails me in the moment. I think I might write myself a NC statement so I'm better prepared if he reaches out again.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion

Read the first opening post. Breathe it, eat it and poop it!

Getting back into NC mode will be much easier this time around because your A never started up again. The shi.tstain just put a little bump in the road for you..Don't let this bit of contact ruin anything.

March 5, 2013

Also, as painful as it might be to read, go back and re-read your older threads, the one from December as well. Remember HE changed his number on you.

Hopefully re-reading will also make you see that even any attempt of 'casual' conversation every few months is so pointless and for sure keep you in NC mode for good.

March 5, 2013

Thank you for that link.

I did actually go back and read my threads today to remind myself what a broken lunatic sounds like and to remind myself how much I do not want to go back there.

He emailed me on Friday too and I checked the phone #s on his signature. Same old #s I had for him. So I don't know--maybe he didn't change them after all, but whatever, I'm not going to call him so I don't really care anymore.

I do not hope he leaves wife. Of course a part of me wishes he would've told me he missed me...I cared about him and shared a lot with him, including physically, so it does sting to think someone that was in your life like that doesn't care about you.

But my marriage is more important than that slight sting. I do not have a bad M, and my H is also a phenomenal father. At the end of the day, no matter what, I don't want to deprive my son of only enjoying that 50% of the time. We used to be the couple our friends aspired to be, and I want to keep trying to get back to that place of happiness & partnership again.

March 5, 2013

Any more contact also risks that his wife may find out and get pissed off, then contact your husband. He doesn't know about the A, right?

Let it go. Change your number if need be. block him! Email too.

March 5, 2013

This morning while exercising I remembered that I had posted twice on your original thread in the infidelity forum six months ago. You lasted there only two days before you were redirected to the OM/OW forum by CuteDragon.

This has filled my insatiable need for external validation caused by my abysmal self esteem for a while.

March 5, 2013

You certainly don't have to satisfy me or anyone else on this site about how you have treated him but in your fourth post on this thread, sorry for keeping count, you finally mentioned guilt,.

That's right. So if you have nothing constructive to offer, don't post to the thread.

March 5, 2013

Hi BP. I haven't read all the replies, but I can tell you that I disagree that he is contacting you 'just because he wants sex'. That is something that others might like to believe is true. But it isn't.

Does anyone ever do this? Is it possible to just be friends that talk occasionally?

I tried it for a long time, and I have tried it recently again, and have gone back to no contact. I think it's possible, but the real question is what you would get out of it. Ultimately, it just causes you more pain to talk occasionally because he is still part of your life. If you do the work to get him out, then you won't think about it at all, however much more painful it is to get there.

The 'friends' thing is really just a band-aid fix. Please believe me, the person who has tried it over and over.

March 6, 2013

I tried it for a long time, and I have tried it recently again, and have gone back to no contact.

The 'friends' thing is really just a band-aid fix. Please believe me, the person who has tried it over and over.

Hi Tenacity...you know I actually thought of you during these past couple days. I know you've had xMM in & out & then barging back into your life and I can read your pain. I didn't understand it before because I thought if my xMM ever contacted me again, I would be happy to have him at least as a friend back in my life. But now that I've spent a couple days just swinging through all the raw feelings again, and even questioning my entire life dreams, now I get it.

Why did you try letting yours back in again? I hope it's not because of your health....hope you're doing ok ((Hugs))

March 8, 2013

Hi Tenacity...you know I actually thought of you during these past couple days. I know you've had xMM in & out & then barging back into your life and I can read your pain. I didn't understand it before because I thought if my xMM ever contacted me again, I would be happy to have him at least as a friend back in my life. But now that I've spent a couple days just swinging through all the raw feelings again, and even questioning my entire life dreams, now I get it.

Why did you try letting yours back in again? I hope it's not because of your health....hope you're doing ok ((Hugs))

I am doing Okay BP

My having cancer had something to do with it, in that it led me to contact him (from his contact). It only lasted less than 2 days for me. He isn't a friend, he is someone who will cause me hurt and pain and that is NOT what I need. It's not what you need either. Please don't go there, because it will cause you more hurt in the long run.

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I'm on family vacation & xMM called me after 4mo of silence. WHY?!!

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