Author X24tina Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 Yes. Yes and Yes..all of you have valid points. The "commitment" issue for me is just that we chose to have a child together (even though she was a huge surprise! Yes I was on birth control and took antibiotics that negated them!) and if I wanted to be unmarried and have a daughter, I could have decided when and where, and only have to worry about her and myself. That's not what I envisioned for our future. As her parent, I want her to know that you shouldn't have children just to play house, it's a life long commitment and if someone is "good" enough to procreate with, they better be good enough to be with for the rest of your life. And even though a majority of children have divorced parents, I don't want her to ask why my last name is different than theirs, but we are "together". Marriage isn't for everyone and some people would rather stay single. But if I planned on being unmarried, I would have made some very different choices. As far as financial security, he has all monies and assets going to me, and a survivors deed for the house. If anything happens the house is paid off and in my name. I appreciate all of you giving your input. In the next few weeks we have to sit down and have a very serious conversation about our future, and I am doing everything I need to, to secure my financial independence. Thanks again! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author X24tina Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 I know in the U.S., very few states recognize common law marriage anymore...which I believe used to be after 7 years. However, I know that you can claim Alimony after 5 years of living together, married or not. I believe it was Alimony...unless it was called something else for unmarried couples. I understand why some have prolonged engagements, such as they plan to get married after college or they are in a LDR. However, if he really wants to marry you, there is no reason for him to wait this long. You need to tell him that in such and such time, if there isn't at least a date set or approximate date, you're going to move on. Having a child with someone is a life-long commitment and a much bigger commitment than marriage. There's no reason for him to shy away from marriage now. Do you know of any sites that I can learn more about this? Do the alimony laws very from state to state? Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 (edited) It seems like you should have established a timeline on the wedding. Some men are catching up on the ''stringing us along'' thing. First it's being a live-in gf for years and it going nowhere; guy never proposes. If that doesn't work then he will propose but it will be an indefinite engagement so what we have next is a dead-end ''engagement''. What's next? A proposal and with a date set on, only for the man to break off the engagement a couple weeks before the wedding??? Damn with these commitment phobics playing us along. If you have no intention of marrying, don't waste our time. Find a woman that doesn't want marriage. Edited March 2, 2013 by samsungxoxo Link to post Share on other sites
Author X24tina Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 I agree!!! What really bothers me is I NEVER gave him a timeline to propose. I was completely shocked and didn't expect it. And then we became pregnant, I was scared to death and he was over joyed from the beginning. At least with marriage if you want out, divorce is an option. Now with our daughter he will have to deal with me wether we stay together or not! Talk about ass backwards! Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Do you know of any sites that I can learn more about this? Do the alimony laws very from state to state? I am not sure, but you could probably google the laws pertaining to your specific state. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 My Fiancé and I have been engaged for almost 5 years now, have been together for almost 8. I was completely surprised by the proposal but gladly said yes. We weren't in a rush to make it to the alter, we wanted to buy a home, take our time planning the wedding, and just enjoy being engaged. 7 months after the proposal-Surprise! We were expecting our first baby. We were both excited (not in the plans just yet) and things are moving in the right direction. He bought our first house and we had our daughter in 2009. We decide I would stay at home with her while he works. Getting married took a backseat..fast forward to now. Our daughter is 3, we are more than financially sound, and still NOT married!! Ive really been pressing the issue and it's one excuse or another, I've said we could elope and then those plans suddenly get changed, or he says "nothing changes if we are married, so what's the point" or blames me and says I'm the one who keeps putting it off. (Not true!) Meanwhile, he's pressing the issue of having another child! At this point, I'm completely financially dependent on him, but my name is not on HIS bank account, or on HIS house deed, we have nothing "together" but our daughter. At this point I think he likes playing house with no legal strings attached. I'm almost 29, and feel if he's not going to marry me then I need to move on. Easier said than done, I'd have to start from scratch and force my daughter to come from a broken home. I feel so cheated by him, the promise of a marriage and family and a "happy ever after" in reality is he's made it almost impossible for me to pack up and leave...not by force, I went along with these great ideas too, because I never thought we would NOT be married. He's been a great provider, friend, and father and truly puts me and our daughter first. Except when it comes to getting married. I need to know if he's NEVER going to marry me, even if the truth is painful and could tear our family apart. I deserve to be with someone who is fully committed to me,I've outright asked him if he wants to marry me and of course I hear the same "absolutely" every time. He is upset I've started taking birth control again, which just says to me he wants to have a home, kids, and a "wife" without the full commitment. Please give me your advice, opinions, experience!! This is killing me more and more everyday!! my experience after having seven years of "engagement" that it wont happen and you will eventually break.... military stategy should be followed a long drawn out "engagement" ends up with more casualties than a short period of engagement......it shouldnt really be a long drawn out battle to get to the alter ........ an engagement is a promise a vow to marry.....its not a promise where you go im not really sure lets take a decade to think about this now,its an i do want to marry you....when a guy starts going ummmmmmm....and pulling at the tie around his neck and starts sweating when you mention dates....its a nah..not good signs....break the engagement...if he truly wants to marry you then re-engage.......with a firm date and a plan for a mutual future........best of luck......deb Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted March 4, 2013 Share Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) Sorry, but have you seen the movie about the 5 year engagement? Had to ask. 5 years is not an engagement. An engagement to me is when you have a date set, a ring and wedding planning in the works. If you're not planning a wedding or to get married anytime soon...you are not engaged. It's that simple. It's time to move on... Man, I like this. I have an ex that was engaged for 8-years! WHAT????!!!!! That's what I thought when she first told me and still think WHAT???? when people say that they have been engaged for multiple years. Just doesn't make sense.... People who hold off for so long are not committed and simply keeping the carrot in front of the partner's face to keep them waiting, keep them there....w/o making the final plunge that they REALLY don't want to make in the first place. Edited March 4, 2013 by soccerrprp 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted March 4, 2013 Share Posted March 4, 2013 This makes me think of facebook engagements where when people change their relationship statuses it makes it seem official. My brother announced his engagement July 2011 and by the time they will marry, it will be a 2 year engagement. 3 months from June and they are JUST starting the wedding planning, just set a date, just got the engagement ring and etc. Some people will think that just because they talked about marriage makes them engaged or they will have a few kids together and say they are engaged. When I got engaged, my husband had just popped the question with a ring, we planned a date and then we announced it to our family and friends. THAT is an engagement. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 4, 2013 Share Posted March 4, 2013 I will admit that it is a pet peeve of mine when someone announces an engagement with no date is sight, introduces a fiancé they have had for years... Engaged means engaged to be married...it is an intent. Why not just say we are partners? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coffeebean201 Posted March 4, 2013 Share Posted March 4, 2013 I so seldom say this, but I think as a couple you could benefit from a good counsellor. Your common law hubby is not understanding how much this means to you (marriage). He has provided and looked after you and loved you in every other way. He doesn't want you to walk away, and you don't want to walk away. But a quiet little wedding should probably happen before another child. He needs to know and accept that marriage is part of loving your woman. I won't mention that he likes all the money and house in his legal name (controlling). But just because he is controlling doesn't mean he doesn't love you very much. I don't think yelling and threatening him will get you the result you want. You have to just straight up tell him with a counsellor that you both need this step. ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted March 4, 2013 Share Posted March 4, 2013 This makes me think of facebook engagements where when people change their relationship statuses it makes it seem official. My brother announced his engagement July 2011 and by the time they will marry, it will be a 2 year engagement. 3 months from June and they are JUST starting the wedding planning, just set a date, just got the engagement ring and etc. Some people will think that just because they talked about marriage makes them engaged or they will have a few kids together and say they are engaged. When I got engaged, my husband had just popped the question with a ring, we planned a date and then we announced it to our family and friends. THAT is an engagement. I asked my late wife and 9-months later we were married. More than 2 or 3 years is peculiar and unsettling for me... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted March 4, 2013 Share Posted March 4, 2013 I will admit that it is a pet peeve of mine when someone announces an engagement with no date is sight, introduces a fiancé they have had for years... Engaged means engaged to be married...it is an intent. Why not just say we are partners? Exactly...basically engaged means you have an engagement that translates into "a date is set or very soon to come". Hence, I have a previous "engagement". Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted March 4, 2013 Share Posted March 4, 2013 My Fiancé and I have been engaged for almost 5 years now, have been together for almost 8. I was completely surprised by the proposal but gladly said yes. We weren't in a rush to make it to the alter, we wanted to buy a home, take our time planning the wedding, and just enjoy being engaged. 7 months after the proposal-Surprise! We were expecting our first baby. We were both excited (not in the plans just yet) and things are moving in the right direction. He bought our first house and we had our daughter in 2009. We decide I would stay at home with her while he works. Getting married took a backseat..fast forward to now. Our daughter is 3, we are more than financially sound, and still NOT married!! Ive really been pressing the issue and it's one excuse or another, I've said we could elope and then those plans suddenly get changed, or he says "nothing changes if we are married, so what's the point" or blames me and says I'm the one who keeps putting it off. (Not true!) Meanwhile, he's pressing the issue of having another child! At this point, I'm completely financially dependent on him, but my name is not on HIS bank account, or on HIS house deed, we have nothing "together" but our daughter. At this point I think he likes playing house with no legal strings attached. I'm almost 29, and feel if he's not going to marry me then I need to move on. Easier said than done, I'd have to start from scratch and force my daughter to come from a broken home. I feel so cheated by him, the promise of a marriage and family and a "happy ever after" in reality is he's made it almost impossible for me to pack up and leave...not by force, I went along with these great ideas too, because I never thought we would NOT be married. He's been a great provider, friend, and father and truly puts me and our daughter first. Except when it comes to getting married. I need to know if he's NEVER going to marry me, even if the truth is painful and could tear our family apart. I deserve to be with someone who is fully committed to me,I've outright asked him if he wants to marry me and of course I hear the same "absolutely" every time. He is upset I've started taking birth control again, which just says to me he wants to have a home, kids, and a "wife" without the full commitment. Please give me your advice, opinions, experience!! This is killing me more and more everyday!! I've been in your shoes, and it stinks. I was engaged 7 years with my first long term boyfriend, we broke up before we ever got married (we are still great friends, however). Then, I was engaged 8 years with my ex-husband (we got married, had 2 kids, and divorced after 16 years of misery). It's no fun being engaged for years on end. It's embarassing and stupid. Tell him to sh*t or get off the pot. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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