Do guys actually Friend-zone women? Even if they aren't trying to sleep with them?

[That_girl]

Hi guys,

 

I have a bit of a situation and I could use some of the brilliant advice of you Loveshackers. I have been seeing someone that i met online for about a month and a half. I was already sensing red flags from the beginning and even started a thread about him here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/371084-perpetual-disappointment

 

Since I posted that thread, we had gone out on another date. It was amazing, and I could tell that he was really trying to impress me. (He's 35 and I'm 27 and that night he wanted to stay out all night- probably to show me that he boring just because he's older). He kept suggesting fun things to do, until about 4:30am when I could no longer keep my eyes open and asked him to drive me home. I had such an amazing time with him, and I had hoped that he would give me a good night kiss- but he didn't. And this was the fourth date. I'm a little impatient when I'm sweet on someone so I asked him if he wanted to kiss me. He said "yeah, of course I do". (which was really sweet) and we ended up making out a little bit.

 

At that point, I thought that I was just being paranoid and that he is actually into me. Turns out, I didn't end up hearing from him at ALL for the rest of the week. Seven days went by and I decided to text him myself. I asked how he was doing and then after some small talk, I had asked him to call me (because it would be easier to have the conversation over the telephone rather than these ****ing texts). He said "no, i can't. I'm going to my parent's for dinner". So he couldn't. He couldn't pick up the phone for 5 whole minutes and have a conversation with me.

 

I'm a pretty understanding person, and I do lead a pretty busy life as well but I couldn't help it...I was PISSED. If there is one thing I cannot stand, it's being strung along. So I told him that it's pretty obvious that he isn't into me and that he doesn't need to worry about calling or texting me. And that I enjoyed our time together, but it just seems we are looking for different things. I'm pretty black or white like that- you're either interested in me, or you aren't.

 

He responds with "Can we still hang out? I really like you. I just got out of a relationship and I'm not sure what I want, but I'd like us to be friends first."

 

I thought "what a load of ****". He wants a friend?? We meet on a dating website and he specified that he is looking for a 'long term relationship". I UNDERSTAND the concept of getting to know someone as a friend first, but I just get the sense that all he wants is a hangout buddy. And that he'll never actually be into me for anything. I know that he finds me attractive- he has told me many times, so I don't understand why he wants to hangout as friends? Typically I would think that he wants to use me a F-Buddy, but he has not tried ANYTHING on me, he's barely even kissed me!

 

I am so confused. I told him that he seems really awesome, but that I'm not looking for friendship. And that I am interested in dating him, not becoming hang-out buddies. He didn't respond to that message. But he did text back the next day and asked me "how are you doing? sorry I didn't respond, I fell asleep". I guess that was his way of avoiding the conversation. I told him that I wasn't expecting a response and I said "take care". I am trying my very hardest to not be a complete bitch about this because I haven't known him for that long and I don't want to part on a bad note. But he keeps texting me!! He texted me again last night "what have you been up to?". And I didn't respond.

 

I just feel like this whole thing is a waste of my time and I think he is truly one of the most bizarre men I have ever met. I can understand his fears about getting into a relationship right away- everyone is afraid for one reason or another but COME ON.

 

My question to you is, should I continue ignoring him? I feel awful ignoring people, especially him because I did like him very much. But I just don't know what else to do! I don't want him to think I'm being immature.

[Treasa]

Initial gut reaction - he's married. Followed immediately by the thought, "It doesn't matter the reason. Toss him back and find someone else."

[That_girl]

He is not married, I have been to his place. He was engaged a year and a half ago, and she left him because she didn't want to move here.

 

Judging by his lack of action, he's probably only had 1 girlfriend his entire life.

[dasein]

My take is the ex has reemerged in some way and/or he still has residual feelings, making him not totally available, and knows this. So is trying to spare you any misunderstandings or misrepresentations while moving forward very slowly. In your shoes would ask him straight up about the ex and any prospective reemergence into his life recently. Also possible he is dating others from the site and wants to continue casual dating. Good luck.

Edited February 28, 2013 by dasein

[That_girl]

Thank you, I don't really want to talk him anyway. I just felt rude about ignoring him.

[That_girl]

I do think however, that if he was just trying to sleep with me- he would have tried already.

[Revolver]

The female "friend Zone" is the sex zone. That's where he wants sex with you but no type of actual relationship.

 

I don't care what anyone says, women settle for being the FWB 85% to 90% of the time

[That_girl]

Well I'm just confused because he hasn't even really kissed me. I doubt he just wants sex. And believe me, I know when a guy wants sex.

[dasein]

You are gonna have to ask him what the deal is to have closure on this. IMO stop ignoring him and ask him straight up when he contacts again if he hasn't written you off by now. You should hear this guy out. He did nothing wrong to you other than lessen contact and you don't really know what's behind that at this point, just conjecture we can't really help you with.

[That_girl]

I don't know. If he contacts me again, I won't ignore him. But I did lay it all out on the line for him. I've been completely honest about how I feel and what I'm looking for. I just don't want to be strung along and I told him that.

 

His response was "i got out of a relationship and have no clue where my life is headed. I want to be friends first and see where things go." In my experience, it kinda feels like he is treating me like a Plan B and that he isn't as into me as I'm into him.

 

I'm really not ignoring him to be rude or to try and exact some kind of revenge. I just feel like it's pointless because I don't feel good about investing more time and emotion into someone that isn't going to reciprocate. I think if he has any intelligence whatsoever (which I'm sure he does), he'll realize that. And at that point, he can pick up the phone and talk to me. I just can't deal with it anymore. I'm not a high maintenance girl, but after 2 months of texting and 4 dates I do think I deserve a little more than the odd text.

[its a lifestyle]

The female "friend Zone" is the sex zone. That's where he wants sex with you but no type of actual relationship.

 

No it's not,

 

When I broke up with my GF last year... some how, some way, my ex from when I was 16 came back into contact with me on facebook, I'm 21 now...

 

We met up and ended up in bed together, naked... I've had plenty of one night stands in my life, and wouldn't usually act like what I'm about to tell you... so I don't know how to explain this because it's shocking even to myself and awkward, but I rejected her at the very last moment...

 

I was heart broken at the time, I had just been in love for the first time, the girl I was inbed with felt like nothing to me, my ex was going through my mind and the feelings were overpowering, and then looking at my old ex in bed with me I felt empty...

 

So we got dressed and chilled out like nothing happened, in the following weeks she tries to make moves... I told her I'm not interested and the reason why, and now we're friends...

 

Point? she wanted me, I rejected her = friendzoned.

Edited February 28, 2013 by its a lifestyle

[mortensorchid]

Don't feel weird about ignoring him, he's hiding something or at least not being 100% honest about something. Whatever it is, get out while the getting's still good and don't give it a second thought.

 

As for Friendzoning? This person is not your friend in the slightest.

[leigh305]

this sounds similar to the situation i'm in...and is a nice reminder of why i hate dating.

 

it's hard to say what exactly is going on, but yeah, there definitely appears to be more to the story than what you are aware of.

[That_girl]

He just texted me AGAIN. He just asked how i was doing. I am going to respond. I'm not going to be a total jerk, obviously he has tried to get in contact with me a few times now (even after I haven't responded) so I don't think I'd be totally nuts to think that he might like me even a little bit? I'm still thinking he is playing games, but I'm going to be the bigger person and keep it polite and short until he says something of substance.

[dasein]

You will be happier about this situation IMO when you find out some more detail, even if it isn't the exact detail you want to hear. Consider asking directly about the ex and how any women he is dating OLD. Good luck.