That_girl Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Hi there, I'm not new here. Been here on and off for years actually. I have been single for two years and for the most part, it has sucked. I recently met someone online. He is a doctor, he is 35 years old (which I thought meant he would be more mature), and is very warm and a total gentleman. Unfortunately I fell in love with him at first site...I saw his profile pic, and literally fell in love with him. OF course it isn't going to work out. And that's why I'm here- perpetual disappointment. My problem is that every single time I meet someone, I have this internal feeling that it isn't going to work for some reason. I can't help it. I've manifested this self-fulfilling prophecy probably because I have been hurt so many times in the past. My issue is that I'll eventually give up after a few slight hits to my ego because I'm not ready to be more vulnerable. I have let myself get really hurt too many times. I'd rather just be slightly hurt, and get over it quickly. It just keeps happening, and I need your advice. Initially when I gave this guy my number, we had texted all night. We began our "textalationship" and began getting to know one another through text. I happen to find this whole texting phenomenon ridiculous as I'm 27 years and I had gotten used to guys actually CALLING me when they wanted to ask me out. But nonetheless, I have adapted to the whole texting thing because everyone else (including the 35 year olds) is so keen on it. Anyway, he was really sweet and kept asking me to send him pics of me and telling me how attractive I was and how awesome I seemed. After about a week of non-stop texting, I asked him out. He picked me up and he was even better looking in person. Charming too. Basically everything a woman could ask for. The date went really well, and he laid such an amazing kiss on me that he had me thinking about it all night (and I've kissed A LOT of people). After that, we had another week of texting back and forth (with him always initiating) and he finally asked me out again. So we go on our second date, and it was also fabulous- except this time he didn't kiss me goodbye. Since everything else had gone so well I assumed it wasn't a big deal. He did say I made him nervous, so I figured he just didn't have the nerve this time around. Fast forward to this week. He's been texting me everyday, and frankly it's getting ****ing boring, so I decide to spice the conversation up a little bit by asking him bluntly why he felt that I made him nervous. He claims he doesn't even remember saying that, so I eventually say something along the lines of "I'm really not even sure if you're actually into me?" He responds: "I like hanging out with you. I feel like I'm getting to know you better/" I AM LIVID. Not only is he not as interested in me as I am in him, but he is also claiming that this whole texting thing we have going on is us getting to know each other?! I don't understand. I just don't understand. He hasn't even tried to sleep with me. If he were trying to sleep with me, I think I would understand it a little more. I happen to be a very emotional, sensitive person. Am I being insane here? Should I never speak to him again if he texts me again? (Lord knows he won't actually be calling me anytime soon...)
CC12 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Am I being insane here? Um. A little bit, yeah. I don't really understand why you're livid. What is the actual problem? That you don't like texting all the time? Just tell him that. "To be honest, I'm not all that into texting. I'd prefer to get to know you in person. When can I see you again?" Not only is he not as interested in me as I am in him, but You don't know that for sure. You're inferring this because he didn't immediately respond with, "Oh, yes, definitely. I am completely, totally into you." Maybe he feels it's too soon to be making statements like that. Or maybe he's not as interested as you are. That's okay. Some people take longer to warm up to others. Take it easy. 1
pbjbear Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Perhaps he has been hurt too. People who have been hurt like to take things slow and act more guarded. Alot of men get their feelings hurt too so keep that in mind. Also, hes a doctor so hes going to be busy so dont expect frequent dates. I wouldnt worry about the kissing...its too early for that. 1
clia Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Yeah, you are being insane. You are LIVID because he is trying to get to know you before trying to sleep with you? Oh, the nerve of this guy! Seriously? 5
Author That_girl Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 I guess it is kind of crazy on my part. I'm just so used to guys that just want to sleep with me. The decent ones have kind of become obsolete, so it's difficult for me to recognize them when they come around. I think the actual problem is the texting. I don't want to scare him off, but I have to make my needs clear if this is something that would bother me in the future. I always thought that if I guy really liked you, he would at least call every once in a while. But I guess times have changed! Thanks for the advice. Helped put things into perspective a lot!
Yamcha Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I've had girls who said that they had a great time on the first date only to lie about their phone being broken to avoid me afterwards, and THIS is making you angry? And yeah, tell him that texting back and forth all night is stupid and it makes more sense to call. But, being that you're totally into him one minute and completely bored by him the next, he has every reason to be guarded. 3
ascendotum Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 (edited) I guess it is kind of crazy on my part. I'm just so used to guys that just want to sleep with me. The decent ones have kind of become obsolete, so it's difficult for me to recognize them when they come around. IDK, maybe part of the problem why you are perpetually disappointed is if you just let guys lead you off to the bedroom/backseat at the end of the 1st or 2nd date because you are just happy that it means he's into you...figuratively and literally. Maybe this guy wants to get to know your personality more before he knows how you moan in bed. What a weirdo eh. If your past style is full of disappointment, then why be upset over a guy that's happy to go with a different style of dating. I also find it a little strange that you fall in love with him one week then are getting ****ing bored with him the next. I realize its the texting that is not your style of communication, but still, you do seem to be blowing hot & cold. There's no rush...as other person said people some people can be guarded in their emotions. As long as he still shows interest and the affection/passion increases each week Edited February 1, 2013 by ascendotum 1
superb Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Maybe you're not feeling him, ever consider that?
Author That_girl Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Well thanks, I know I can be a little bit intense at times...not sure that I'm insane though . I guess all of the texting kind of got to me. I didn't expect him to profess his undying love to me after two dates, but he definitely seems guarded as well. The fact that he hasn't called me on the phone EVER and we have been talking through text every day for the past three weeks, is kind of getting to me. I don't mind taking it slow, but that's a little TOO slow. I need real contact with a person to feel like they're interested. Why is that so weird? I feel like I shouldn't have said the whole "'I'm not even sure that you're interested in me" thing through text because I feel like if I have to wonder...I should probably already know that he isn't that into me. I just got confused because he has been initiating all of the text messages on a daily basis. I think he is playing the field (which is okay), but I just wanted a little reassurance that is going somewhere. He has been messaging me all week, and hadn't even mentioned going out on a third date. IT's just frustrating is all. He hasn't messaged me at all today though...I guess I blew it. I really did like him despite being bored by his stupid texting. He was really charming and funny in person. Another one bites the dust I guess.
veggirl Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Why don't you just tell him that you don't like SO MUCH texting and that you'd prefer if he called? Or while he is in the middle of a texting marathon say "wouldn't this be easier if you just called me "
Author That_girl Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I will definitely tell him that...if he ever tries to contact me again.
Samilia Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 If he really is a doctor, he might have had the tools to notice your.. originality; and ran.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 First of all, you need to address your lack of assertiveness. If you dislike the idea of texting, you shouldn't have encouraged or condoned it. Had you told him from the very beginning you have a preference for phone calls over finger tapping your phone, I'm very sure the kind Dr. would have respected your wishes. You cannot expect others to know exactly what is it you want unless you tell them ( tactfully) what your preferences are. Second, why did you let do all the work of asking you out? If you live in America, our society is very gender neutral ( as far as dating is concerned) and you're all the more capable of asking him out on a date in return. Granted, he does seem like he is dragging things on, but you have to act and behave in a way that lets him know that you are interested in him as well. Third, no offenses to Drs, but from my perspective I tend to see Drs as egotistical and non-committal. I'm very sure not every one are the same, but given the type of job they have, it's usually hard for them to balance work and relationships at the same time. If it seems like he's continously stuck to texting rather than meeting up, then you need to cut it out. As I've said, you need to let him know what it is you want and if he decides that he doesn't want anything to progress further, then you need to cut your losses. Good luck to you.
Author That_girl Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Thank you paper_cutz, that is very constructive advice. I did mention during our second date that I abhor texting, but I did kind of condone it by responding to his messages constantly. Also, he did ask me out on the second date- but I asked him out on the first. I guess I'll just tell him straight up that I'd like to see him again, and if he doesn't want to then at least I'll know! Thanks again! By the way 'Samilia", that was pretty cruel. But if it makes you feel any better about your own issues then by all means....
subliminal Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 if i were you id just tell him you would like to get to know him and your willing to do it at his pace. if youre truly interested in him tell him and show him. im the type of guy that likes a woman to make the first move when it comes to intimacy and stuff like that. just tell him how you feel, dont seem needy, tell him you dont want to bother him by texting him all the time and that he shoud let you know if it bothers him and let him know you do enjoy texting him but youd like to go out more because you really enjoy his personality. take charge!
Author That_girl Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I just texted him almost exactly what you said subliminal ...I basically said that I'd like to get to know him better too, but that I'm not the type that gets to know people through text. So I hope we can hang out again soon. I think that perfectly described how I am feeling right now, and if he doesn't like it- too bad.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I just texted him almost exactly what you said subliminal ...I basically said that I'd like to get to know him better too, but that I'm not the type that gets to know people through text. So I hope we can hang out again soon. I think that perfectly described how I am feeling right now, and if he doesn't like it- too bad. You should've set by example and called him or leave him a message. That way you're certain he will have gotten your message and not say something later on like " Oh I didn't get your message". But what's done is done. Don't put your eggs in one basket. Sometimes liking someone doesn't necessarily mean you'll be with them.
Author That_girl Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Yeah I should have called him, but I figure if he agrees to see me again and actually still wants to go out with me, then he'll call me and show me that he is accepting the terms. Which is highly unlikely...but stranger things have happened. To be honest, I don't even really mind if he hates the phone. I just rather he texts me to make plans rather than having these really long drawn out conversations via text.
outsidethebox Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 You're right, it is odd. The no kiss on second date with a "you make me nervous", days of texting without talking about a third date, not escalating to phone calls, they are all odd. You probably can't divulge what the bulk of the texting was about, but if you can was it really routine stuff? I'm having a hard time thinking of anything that doesn't lead to "let's try that" etc, no matter how routine. Was it a bunch of his past history, maybe complaining about past relationships? Maybe just likes venting, sort of selfish. I don't know, the making me nervous makes me think he's not that into sexual relationships. Sort of a mama's boy type if you will. I don't think you're missing anything here. I would think he limited it to texting to keep it to a certain impersonal level because more than that is uncomfortable for him. Don't know, but looks like he likes penpals. 1
Author That_girl Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Well I think it's kind of odd too. I've been getting mixed signals from him for weeks. If he isn't interested in me, why would he text me every day? I personally wouldn't text a person on a daily basis if I wasn't into them. But then he doesn't initiate anything, he just wants to have these long conversations through text. Most of the time, it's just "hey, how are you?, how's work?, did you enjoy your day?" UGH! lol am I the only person that can't stand these types of texts? I understand that he is a dentist and he is busy but geez... Anyway he did give me some insight into his previous relationship. He was with someone for 5 years about 2 years ago, and they were supposed to get married. Eventually she called off the engagement because she didn't want to move to our current city because she doesn't like the weather here. Sounds a bit odd to me as well, but hey- it could be a valid issue for some people. We live in Montreal. Anyway, I think he might be scared. He did say he was fearful about investing a bunch of time into someone and the same thing happening again. He is 35 years old, so I guess he figures he doesn't have much time to waste.
outsidethebox Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 But he did invest a lot of time. Just not a lot of emotion. Here's the important part. You got to know each other. That's what he is like. It isn't going to change with some voila, oh I'm comfortable with you and now can open up and talk to you intimately. He'll come home and say how was your day and you'll go ugh. It doesn't get any better.
Divasu Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 It sounds like he's going at his own pace and this is what he's comfortable with. Plus, he's a Doctor so I'm sure he works difficult hours. Maybe he's too tired for phone convos/spending time together in person. That, or he's married.
GildedLily Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I think you picked up on the vibe that he's not super interested and that's why you are upset, Natalie from baggage reclaim talks about how a man who isn't emotionally available will not call only text to string a potential girl along for ego stroking. 1
Author That_girl Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Yeah I had a feeling. At 27 years old, with a really varied dating history, I'm usually right about my intuitions. I feel like he probably was using me for an ego stroke, while he continues on with his search of the perfect woman. Yes I am a little offended, mostly hurt because I did like him. He is obviously a lot different from the boys I'm used to dating. Older, more successful, and mature....I don't know, I don't need a man to support me because I'm doing well on my own- but I am attracted to this type of man. He didn't message me back and it's been 2 hours. I guess he's not so keen on the texting anymore! 1
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