philosia Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 A little bit of background: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/371980-dumper-keeps-contacting-me-during-my-nc Last evening he called me again, he told me that it's to hard for him not to know anything about me, even though I asked him not to contact me in order for me to heal. I told him that I know that this is way harder for him than he anticipated, but I must take care of myself and I cannot hold his hand through this, hence I don't want to be friends because we want different things from each other. He said again that it's too hard for him and that he didn't imagine that it will be this hard. He said that he is in a gray zone right now and he thinks that possibly he made the biggest mistake of his life by breaking up with me. I responded that for me things are either black or white and by him telling me this, that he is in a gray zone, he just keeps rejecting me with his indecision and I will not subject myself to this treatment, so I don't want to hear from him ever again, except if he tells me that he loves me, he is sorry and he wants for us to try again... (I said this even though I can't trust him again with my feelings... ) He asked me if I was mad at him and I told him that I am not, which is the truth, that I respect him a lot, but also I respect his decision and I would like for him to respect mine too. He also told me that he thinks very highly of me. We concluded with him saying that he will not contact me again, which is so stupid because that means that he just called me in order for me to get rejected again . I think it's funny, really . In a strange way... I feel empowered, I feel good, I don't know I am so selfish and I enjoy the fact that he misses me, that he has doubts about his decision, that in this conversation he was almost crying and I just told him everything in a very calm and composed tone. If he calls again, I will not answer because I realized that the only result is another rejection. He is for sure alone and feels a little bit lost, but he will heal also. I don't know if I'm still in the big roller-coaster and that's why I really feel ok. Before he called, I reached the point when I didn't even want him to call me anymore... and I still feel like this after his call. I think my healing is close and my life doesn't seem hopeless without him, I am ok and I will be even more so... I still can't bear to meet him, and I'm far away of being indifferent towards him, but I have crazy thoughts like "maybe I didn't really loved him" ??!! I don't know why I think this, I was desperate when he left me and now I'm not even sure if I loved him... If he will come back crawling it will only feed my ego, but I don't think I could take him back... but I wish he would ask me to come back... I'm so selfish... What do you think, are these just breadcrumbs or is he beginning to change his mind? I know that if he really would have loved me, he wouldn't have left and now he just misses what we had, but that's it... he really doesn't love me... An an advice for those struggling: keep with NC, it's really the way to heal and to feel better about yourself!!! NC clears the mind and makes your withdrawal successful. Thank you all! Link to post Share on other sites
cdt76 Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 He doesn't want to be alone and so he calls you. He thinks you can be friends with benefits so that he can continue to seek out other women and yet have his pie on the side. That way, he is never lonely and doesn't have to be accountable for his own actions. My opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Kengne Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Stop asking him to respect your wishes/needs/interests. He is looking out for himself - keeping you close by, but not close enough - because he is uncertain/confused. He is doing what works FOR HIM, not you, FOR HIM. You need to be equally selfish - protect your heart. Next, are you a pidgeon? Or an eagle? Because I can't remember the last time I saw an eagle picking breadcrumbs off the sidewalk. Stop acknowledging his bread crumbs, you & I both know his lukewarmness cannot sustain you. It cannot. The next time he calls - soak up all the ego boosting it gives you, it's unavoidable - but don't answer the phone. Because every time you talk to him, you are secretly hoping "THIS TIME HE WILL SAY HE WANTS ME BACK." He doesn't need to call you to let you know that. He can send you an email, show up at your door blah blah. UNLESS HE IS MAKING "big moves" - then he is making NO MOVES, feel me? He's not ready to get back but he's not ready to let you go 100%. That's HIS problem. YOU just need to DO YOU and move the hell on. NC all day every day. BE STRONG. BE AN EAGLE. K. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author philosia Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 He doesn't want to be alone and so he calls you. He thinks you can be friends with benefits so that he can continue to seek out other women and yet have his pie on the side. That way, he is never lonely and doesn't have to be accountable for his own actions. My opinion. Thank you, cdt76, you are right that he wants his pie, that's why I'm not willing to give it to him... I'm just giving him what he thought he wanted: a life without me... I'm glad that it isn't so easy as he believed. Stop asking him to respect your wishes/needs/interests. He is looking out for himself - keeping you close by, but not close enough - because he is uncertain/confused. He is doing what works FOR HIM, not you, FOR HIM. You need to be equally selfish - protect your heart. Next, are you a pidgeon? Or an eagle? Because I can't remember the last time I saw an eagle picking breadcrumbs off the sidewalk. Stop acknowledging his bread crumbs, you & I both know his lukewarmness cannot sustain you. It cannot. The next time he calls - soak up all the ego boosting it gives you, it's unavoidable - but don't answer the phone. Because every time you talk to him, you are secretly hoping "THIS TIME HE WILL SAY HE WANTS ME BACK." He doesn't need to call you to let you know that. He can send you an email, show up at your door blah blah. UNLESS HE IS MAKING "big moves" - then he is making NO MOVES, feel me? He's not ready to get back but he's not ready to let you go 100%. That's HIS problem. YOU just need to DO YOU and move the hell on. NC all day every day. BE STRONG. BE AN EAGLE. K. Ohh.. Kengne, you gave me so much power with your message. I'm an EAGLE... I don't feed on breadcrumbs, I have a great life with or without him in it. I'm an EAGLE, and the wind that carries me is NC . Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
marklarsson Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Unless he's very very clear that the reason he is contacting you is because he wants to reconcile then ignore him. You can't keep getting regected like that. And if what he says is what you want too then take it from there Link to post Share on other sites
Author philosia Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) UPDATE: Today, in my country, there is a holiday that celebrates women (similar to Mother's day, but it applies for all women here)... so... he sent me a text wishing me well blabla, of course I didn't reply, not even with a "thank you" because I told him not to contact me again... This evening he called me... YES HE CALLED YET AGAIN, even though he said as you can see in this thread that he will not call me again... so, I didn't answer. Immediately after that he sent me this text: "Please, call me when you have time, I want to talk. Good night." I will not call him 'cause I'm too scared that he will reject me again. I think he is selfish... even if he wants to tell me that he wants me back... oh, I can't handle this... It was hard for me, I cried a lot, I don't want to go back there, but I know that I am not fully healed so I may be week. What will you do? I don't know if I want him back... it is hard... very hard... and he didn't even told me that but my mind wanders... What will you do? What do you think? Edited March 1, 2013 by philosia grammar Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 DONT RESPOND. AT ALL.. You are doing the right thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author philosia Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 DONT RESPOND. AT ALL.. You are doing the right thing. Yes, I know, but I can't help thinking about his feelings, and I feel guilty because I seem to be very rude by not responding... I just can't... Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) Yes, I know, but I can't help thinking about his feelings, and I feel guilty because I seem to be very rude by not responding... I just can't... It isn't rude at all. What was rude was him tearing your heart into little pieces and now using you for comfort while he does whatever he wants, f*cks who he wants etcetera. Sometimes we aren't angry early on... you'll soon get there and realize that his communication is totally selfish and disrespectful. It is also messing up your recovery. Get mad about it. Block him if you can. Edited March 1, 2013 by cavalier99 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoLeafClover Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 I thought that was March 8th . BTW do not reply pls Link to post Share on other sites
Author philosia Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 Thanks Cav I thought that was March 8th . BTW do not reply pls 1st of March is a precelebration, part of that holiday . On topic: Today was very hard for me, I didn't call him, although I really want to, but I will not. I can't stop thinking that tomorrow evening he will come up to my place, I really wish that to happen, I miss him. I'm upset because now I have hope again and if he will not man up and come to my door I will be again very disappointed. How can I not wish this so bad? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts