Dumper keeps contacting me during my NC

[philosia]

Hello,

 

We broke up about 2 weeks ago, it was a shock for me, I didn't see it coming, because I thought that we had resolved our issues... I was wrong. So, I felt my world crumbling, I cried and even tried to change his mind.. pfff... but next day I decided that I must move on, so when he text me to ask me how I was, I replied that we should do no contact for a while, in order for me to heal. He replied that he understood and I thought that that was it, but:

 

- next day he texted my best friend to ask her how I was, she replied to let me be cause I'm strong and I'll be fine;

 

- 2 days after that I called him by an incredible mistake during a call that I had with my brother, because my chick touched the touchscreen of my phone, he called me back instantly asking me if I wanted to talk, he seemed very low and sad, I was very strong and apparently ok and told him the truth that it really was a mistake and I don't want to talk; the same day after a few hours he posted a fb status that sad something like he is defeated by life, but in a very subtle way, he posted a quote about life compared with chess... anyway, after some other hours, that evening he texted me telling he forgot to return a thing that was mine, when we did "the giving back stuff left in our flats", and he asked me when can he come by my place to bring it to me, but it wasn't something that I needed so I texted back politely that it's ok, I don't need it

 

- after another couple of days I found out from fb that his grandfather died and I broke NC, called him twice, he didn't reply, sent him a text offering my support

 

-next day in the morning he texted back thanking me and saying he will be alright but at about noon he texted me something like he has to go through this alone because of his choices and that I was very lucky that I had someone beside me (him) when I need it the most (I lost my father when we were together), that text affected me because it is a very sensitive subject and I felt a little bit attacked, he was very blunt, but I knew that he was grieving so after some hours I replied a very heartfelt message to support him in his loss

 

-next morning he replied via text thanking me and telling me how much he appreciates what I've said

 

- 2 days after that he posts a song on fb titled "regrets" in which the situation is very similar to ours and the guy tells the girl how much he loves her, that he made a big mistake, that he wants her back, etc, but the girl is reluctant etc, I cried my eyes out listening to that song (I can't put a link here because it is in my native language)

 

-next day I deactivated my fb account because as you can see it became the sole way of him communicating with me and it was a bad indirect communication that didn't let me move on, I thought that blocking him was too offensive so I chose to deactivate instead. After about an hour he calls me, he still seemed sad but only did small talk with me about things in general and his grandfather funeral, explaining why he couldn't answer my two calls that evening etc. I think he called to check if I would still answer his calls, he seemed a little bit desperate that I would cut off this line too, but I couldn't do it because of the death of his grandfather. He didn't ask me why did I deactivate my account and he didn't say a thing about that song, but it was obvious that I deactivated because of the song...

 

-although I thought that that was it, he wasn't going to call anymore because he didn't have any more excuses, he calls me this evening telling me about an aunt of his that has some medical problems and if I could help her by providing a kind of antibiotic that is hard to find in our country but it is the object of my business, he knows that I cannot not help people in ill health so I told him that of course I will and now he has to get back to me with details and we will have to meet up to give him the medicine, but I am sure that his aunt didn't ask for his help specifically and he didn't even know if she really needs exactly that, but he will find out.. he first called to check if I wanted to help... I really got the sense that this is an excuse and I'm starting to get sick of this, I just want for him to let me be and allow me to move on...

 

I don't know how to handle the situation next, now it looks like I'm always available to him, even though I am distant when we speak and I never initiate except for the situation with his grandfather, but even then he posted on fb knowing that I would call for sure...

 

I don't think I want him back anymore because our problem can't be resolved, I will switch continents in a years time and our relationship has no future because of that, I want to go he wants to stay in this country.

I can't handle his calls and meeting him, it's really tough for me, very hard... but I can't refuse offering help when he needs it... and for sure I don't want to hold his hand during our brake-up, he could have waited another year until my departure...

 

P.S: Sorry for my English, I hope you can understand everything.

[will1988]

So you do not want him back at all? even if he apologizes and promises to change? If you answer no, you don't want him back follow the steps listed bellow. If you say you are willing to give it another go around, set up some ground rules... it does seem like he truly loves you. However, often times we don't realize what we've lost until we've lost it.

 

If you don't want him back and he keeps doing these things you should block him on facebook and your phone. If blocking him on your phone is not an option then you should get a new phone number. His behaviour is obsessive and borderline stalkerish. He is using these things as excuses to contact you, I know this because when my first girl friend (a little over a year of dating) dumped me I did the same exact thing as him... except I used my grandfather who was dying (and still is 6 years later, so he is fighting which is great) as an excuse for her attention. I felt real low about it, and still do. I love my grandfather, but I felt that any attention from her whether good or bad was great. You are fueling his fire by contacting him back. He will continue doing what he is doing until you utterly cut him out of your life. It was very hard for me to get over my first ex because I loved her, but also because we lived on the same hall (only 5 doors away) in our college dorm on a tiny college campus, we also had two of the same classes. Talk about awkward and trying to let go when you see her every day! Eventually though I moved on through help from friends, moving to a new dorm, and through her actions of completely cutting me out of her life. I was never abusive in any way, but I did practically stalk her and would walk around the hall just hoping I'd run into her. It was stupid and crazy. I changed the way I am after that and a few other failed relationships, but I changed for myself. Your ex bf sounds like how I was then... except he dumped you. Trust me, he will continue to find reasons to talk to you, even make up excuses to talk to you. The only way you are going to get him to stop is to go full on no contact, and cut him out of your life completely. I know it will hurt and you may slip up from time to time and contact him, but you should try not to. He wants your attention, good or bad doesn't matter, he just wants your attention... every text, email, phone call, visit etc... fuels that need for attention and he will continue to obsess over you and will eventually stalk you. Cutting all contact with him will really hurt him, but guess what? in the long run it is the best thing for him...not hearing from you in any way will make him get over you faster, and will make him move on with his own life faster. It will hurt him a lot, but it beats him taking years to get over you if you stay in touch with him!

 

Also if he threatens to kill himself, he is not actually going to do it... as I said he wants attention, regardless of what kind. He is using that line in desperation to get your attention. Don't fall for that trap. Ignore what he says. That will actually help him heel really fas too, because he will equate you not caring if he kills himself (it isn't actually that you don't care, it is that you see through his lies and are calling his bluff for attention) as you not caring if he lives or dies. This will make him angry at you, and will make him hate you. That sounds bad, but it is actually good. That means he will want nothing to do with you, his "crazy heartless ex" (which he will most likely refer to you as)! He will talk trash about you, but eventually will move on and go from hating your guts to full and utter numbness towards you... he doesn't hate you, love you, or feel anything good or bad towards you. Eventaully he will then forgive you years down the line for his percived slight against him. You will become a distant memory to him.

 

I know all of this sounds bad and like a lot of hard work, but trust me, and take my advice if you want him to be out of your life. I've admitted to being how he is, so I know his games and what he is doing... you should take what I have said to heart if you want peace from him.

 

good luck!

[philosia]

Thank you Will, I really appreciate your time and your insight.

 

I hurt so bad right now, I just found out that he started texting and calling (a lot) a girl a few days after our break-up, she is also four years older than him, like I am. Maybe it's a rebound, I don't know, I don't want to care, but it hurts so, so much.

I reactivated my fb account to see if he added her as a friend but he unfriended me while my account was deactive. I didn't unfriend him in order to protect his feelings and chose to deactivate instead, but he didn't have second thoughts, anyway, this is for the better because now I can have may fb account active again without seeing his updates.

 

I think that he just keeps calling me to see if I still miss him, I'm so angry with him right now, that I almost feel the urge to call him and to yell at him, I will not do that but I'm in a terrible state.

If he will call again I will announce him that I will not answer anymore and that's it.

I still love him and I miss him so much...

I can't stop crying...

[flitzanu]

Thank you Will, I really appreciate your time and your insight.

 

I hurt so bad right now, I just found out that he started texting and calling (a lot) a girl a few days after our break-up, she is also four years older than him, like I am. Maybe it's a rebound, I don't know, I don't want to care, but it hurts so, so much.

I reactivated my fb account to see if he added her as a friend but he unfriended me while my account was deactive. I didn't unfriend him in order to protect his feelings and chose to deactivate instead, but he didn't have second thoughts, anyway, this is for the better because now I can have may fb account active again without seeing his updates.

 

I think that he just keeps calling me to see if I still miss him, I'm so angry with him right now, that I almost feel the urge to call him and to yell at him, I will not do that but I'm in a terrible state.

If he will call again I will announce him that I will not answer anymore and that's it.

I still love him and I miss him so much...

I can't stop crying...

 

he's going to keep contacting you as long as you keep replying. if you don't want to hear from him, change your number, block all his emails and block him on fb and twitter.

[LostOne1]

Thank you Will, I really appreciate your time and your insight.

 

I hurt so bad right now, I just found out that he started texting and calling (a lot) a girl a few days after our break-up, she is also four years older than him, like I am. Maybe it's a rebound, I don't know, I don't want to care, but it hurts so, so much.

I reactivated my fb account to see if he added her as a friend but he unfriended me while my account was deactive. I didn't unfriend him in order to protect his feelings and chose to deactivate instead, but he didn't have second thoughts, anyway, this is for the better because now I can have may fb account active again without seeing his updates.

 

I think that he just keeps calling me to see if I still miss him, I'm so angry with him right now, that I almost feel the urge to call him and to yell at him, I will not do that but I'm in a terrible state.

If he will call again I will announce him that I will not answer anymore and that's it.

I still love him and I miss him so much...

I can't stop crying...

All the pain will settle down soon. We all went through this same phase and we all made it through. It seems like forever and at times like you won't get through it.. but you will I promise you that.