What I have learned and NC is now troubling me

[McDonald]

Hey all,

 

Its been awhile since I've really posted about myself and my situation.

 

Heres the original post a few months ago:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/370138-losing-your-first-love

 

However, Im sure some of you are pretty caught up on it all.

__________

 

Now, I have gotten all the signs that she is gone. Done with it. From pictures on Facebook of her kissing this new guy... to her ignoring me on campus.

 

The way she treated me during the break up, stringing me along... she used me. You think I would be able to get over it right? Most will say.... she hurt you etc get over it.... etc..

 

Well I can say that I have been moving on.. No longer having this urge to text her every minute.

Im going out on the weekends again, meeting new people, working out everyday, getting my studies in... Im getting right back on track.

 

But its like okay my life is back on track.. so come be here with me... thats how I kind of feel right now. It might not make any sense idk.

 

I have come to this realization though, that Im not missing her, but what she stood for as my girlfriend and the reason why its hard to move on for me is because she was my first girlfriend. My first love. Therefore, when I try to think of good times I had with other girls... there are none.. so my mind is like.. the only way I can be happy again... or should i say complete because I am happy now, is with her.

 

See if I had a girlfriend before her... then I could say while person A made me happy, person B also made me happy... so there are other people that can make me happy.

 

for me, its just person A. So I guess when I can fully see there are other people out there for me, I can completely let go. Is this a good/ healthy way to look at it?

 

I do miss her, thats making it hard as well.. but I guess it all relates?

 

love is confusing... almost not worth it....

 

I went 19 years with no girlfirend and didnt care... now this person comes into my life and steals my heart... and I feel like I cant go another day without texting her.

Edited February 21, 2013 by McDonald

[na49]

Holy crap dude.. are you me?

 

We are in the same freaking boat. Similar age (I'm 18) Both seeing our exes on campus and being seen as a stranger (I treat my ex like a stranger too though, so she's just returning the favor which is fine as much as it hurts). Both dealing with our ex dating someone new. Both dealing with our first breakups. Both trying to move on. Both going to the gym and everything else. I haven't been going out much, so you have be beat there lol.

 

Anyway, I don't really have anything to make you feel better. Just that I feel the same way that you do, and that it hurts like hell. I know how you feel, before I dated her I had no idea what "love" was like. "Sure I'd fall in love when I was older, let me be young while I'm young!" is what I used to think. Now I know how happy being with her made me and I just want to be that happy again. but I can't. So I have to figure out a way to be happy without her and pray that I find someone better than her.

 

I know you want to text her. I want to text my ex. We don't REALLY want to text our ex though. We want them to tell us what we want to hear, that they regret their decision and want to fix the relationship.

[McDonald]

Holy crap dude.. are you me?

 

We are in the same freaking boat. Similar age (I'm 18) Both seeing our exes on campus and being seen as a stranger (I treat my ex like a stranger too though, so she's just returning the favor which is fine as much as it hurts). Both dealing with our ex dating someone new. Both dealing with our first breakups. Both trying to move on. Both going to the gym and everything else. I haven't been going out much, so you have be beat there lol.

 

Anyway, I don't really have anything to make you feel better. Just that I feel the same way that you do, and that it hurts like hell. I know how you feel, before I dated her I had no idea what "love" was like. "Sure I'd fall in love when I was older, let me be young while I'm young!" is what I used to think. Now I know how happy being with her made me and I just want to be that happy again. but I can't. So I have to figure out a way to be happy without her and pray that I find someone better than her.

 

I know you want to text her. I want to text my ex. We don't REALLY want to text our ex though. We want them to tell us what we want to hear, that they regret their decision and want to fix the relationship.

 

 

Ive been following your posts lol and its all too similar hahaha.

 

 

yea, we want to text her to illicit a response that we know we probably wont get.... sucks to suck.

 

and going out, yea Ive been going out on weekends, but having fun with it is a different story.

[RogerWallace111]

I'm a few years older but I can definitely relate. Didn't have a real relationship until I was 19, which lasted almost 4 years before it fell apart of the course of last year. I initiated the first of the string of breakups, so realistically I can't complain about the way things went, and logically, in principle, it was definitely for the best. And I'm 99% cool with it now (5 months later).

 

Buuuut like you, I think a big factor in what keeps her crossing my mind, and from time to time still "missing" her, is that she was the first and only real love of my life thus far. In the lonely times, my thoughts go "I wish I had a girl here to kick it with", not "I wish me and _____ were back together". Pretty much since we first broke up in fact. It's like as much as I knew the relationship was past it's prime, and as trapped & bored as I felt with it before it ended, being alone still felt like the scarier option. Even though of course being stuck in a relationship you're no longer excited about with the only step forward being marriage is clearly the nightmare of the two.

 

I know there are plenty of girls much more my style, and well-suited to me in all ways. I know I can find one without too much trouble. I know I'll look back at my last relationship sometime in the future and question what was love and what was codependent attachment. And have that "thank god things ended with her so I could end up with my current girl" thought...

 

I know all that and somehow the default uniqueness of my relationship with the ex (meaning her being the only one I've gotten so close to), seems to keep a tiny, completely irrational bit of fear within me about being able to fall in love like that again. But really, I know I can & will, I know you can & will. In fact going through it all forced my becoming a much more bad*ss person (and I was already pretty cool ). With newfound strength & emotional constitution, and the places my art, fitness, career are at/going to, I'm way more of a "catch" than I was 4 years ago.

[RogerWallace111]

Oh and yeah, give it time. It's cliche, but as someone who was receiving the same advice 5 months ago and is now feeling basically great - it's true. As f*ck.

 

And definitely don't contact her. Not because it's some rule people on the internet preach but because it honestly does nothing but f*ck up your personal emotional progress.

[McDonald]

Rogerwallace I like how you put it.

 

I feel like I was very codependant. I let myself become codependant. She would always want me sleeping over. Then One day I told her that maybe we should have some time to ourselves... she was like "You mean you dont want to be with me?" And I was like wait what? no of course I do. So then we just kept sleeping together... etc>

 

then she says we got too close... what THE FU*K

 

really hurts that these things she said... I let myself get trapped... and she breaks up with me because of it.

I know I took everything out of context so it might not make sense lol.

 

ANYWAY... I just need to find someone else I guess lol. Its just hard to think someone else could make me as happy. then again... all these hurtful things, I guess she isnt making me happy lol.

[McDonald]

I am over the break up. Im no longer sad. She still on my FB but off my news feed. She changes her profile pic to her and the guy kissing her. It got my heart racing for a few seconds. But that was it. It was nice to not go crazy over it lol. Maybe i am really moving on.

 

I feel like my ego is back, but its not helping because now, its making me feel like I can get her back etc....

[na49]

I am over the break up. Im no longer sad. She still on my FB but off my news feed. She changes her profile pic to her and the guy kissing her. It got my heart racing for a few seconds. But that was it. It was nice to not go crazy over it lol. Maybe i am really moving on.

 

I feel like my ego is back, but its not helping because now, its making me feel like I can get her back etc....

 

You need to block her dude. Don't torture yourself by seeing her and this new guy sucking face.

[H3Drvr]

You can't move on because you haven't really let go. And because you haven't let go, you really can't move on. It's a vicious cycle, it's up to you to break it and open yourself to other possibilities.

[McDonald]

You can't move on because you haven't really let go. And because you haven't let go, you really can't move on. It's a vicious cycle, it's up to you to break it and open yourself to other possibilities.

 

I agree actually. Im telling myself that its the idea im holding onto... but is it really> or am I just lying to myself again.. I seem to do that alot now as a way to supress my emotions.

[creighton0123]

I would say that even passive contact (viewing her facebook profile or pictures) is breaking no contact on your end.

 

Hell. I didn't sign a lease on a pretty wonderful new apartment because it is on the same street as my ex's parents house and I didn't want to increase the chances of running into him on a regular basis.

 

Don't look at facebook pictures. When you're ready, go out on some casual dates. That'll make you feel significantly better. Also, don't forget that it won't matter in a few years. What happens in college rarely does. You will not necessarily be in this situation again unless, after college, you date neighbors or coworkers.

[McDonald]

I would say that even passive contact (viewing her facebook profile or pictures) is breaking no contact on your end.

 

Hell. I didn't sign a lease on a pretty wonderful new apartment because it is on the same street as my ex's parents house and I didn't want to increase the chances of running into him on a regular basis.

 

Don't look at facebook pictures. When you're ready, go out on some casual dates. That'll make you feel significantly better. Also, don't forget that it won't matter in a few years. What happens in college rarely does. You will not necessarily be in this situation again unless, after college, you date neighbors or coworkers.

 

I agree. I don't look at her profile. But I do tend to see when she's online on my friends list.. Idk weird

 

I know I have to take her off. I'm just not there yet. I removed her from Instagram. Because I couldn't deal with the pics. So there was a start. She was the first person I added on fb from my college, but I don't want to go back to what I was saying "keeping her as a friend" because that's not true.

 

This could be an ego thin as well.. Losing her to someone else.

Or a first love thing. Could be many things

 

At least I can say I have made progress. 3 weeks ago I was in a terrible state, but now I'm finding my own and am not really afraid to be alone now, but ta more like I miss the company

[Kengne]

Because even though you say you are "over" the break up and miss what she stood for and don't look at her FB profile - you are still holding onto that slim thread of hope, even through FB, because it gives you a glimpse into her life. Maybe one day you will see her status change to "single" in your news feed and your heart will go from 80 BPM to 200 BPM. It's still messing with you.

 

You did well w/ removal from Instagram.

 

Now it's time for the real deal aka FB. Block her. One click. Life will go on. You will feel the hurt/twinge momentarily but then bounce back.

 

And yes, just like your ex gf made you happy truss me you will meet someone else, they will also make you happy and you will be like "Damn, there is not just 1 person in the world who can make my heart smile."

 

The first breakup is always hardest as you feel hopeless of finding someone else who makes you happy - BUT YOU ALWAYS DO everyone does.

 

K.

[Darren Steez]

I am over the break up. Im no longer sad. She still on my FB but off my news feed. She changes her profile pic to her and the guy kissing her. It got my heart racing for a few seconds. But that was it. It was nice to not go crazy over it lol. Maybe i am really moving on.

 

I feel like my ego is back, but its not helping because now, its making me feel like I can get her back etc....

 

You're not over her, because you reacted the way you did because you still have feelings and you're not moving on, even if you have convinced yourself otherwise.

 

If she's off your newsfeed how did you see her picture change? Even if she was off it you still somehow went to her page and saw it didn't you?

 

You cannot totally beat codependency, some strand of you will still cling on, no matter how tiny the thread, to keep that channel of communication still open.

 

I totally cut my ex out of my life, no facebook no nothing, yes there were times I looked at her photo but I don't need to be knowing what's going on in her life, nor she with mine. A person that will use you and hurt you and ignore you is not your friend.

 

Good luck to you.

[McDonald]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

I know taking her of FB is that final step just about of removing her. I will get there. I have too for myself.

 

The codependency is what's screwing with me yea, because eveything is that much different; and I don't intend on being friends with her anytime soon because she did hurt me...

 

You know... When she saw me texting another girl as a friend she would tell me to stop and tell that girl that we can't talk.... So I did like a young dumb boy in love for the first time. Then she's texting this guy, I tel her the same thing. She says she can't stop.

 

So why would I want to be with someone like that? Beats me.

 

And no I didn't look on her profile. I saw it change in the friends online bar for chat when she was online.

 

I'm moving on. It IS getting better. I can say that at the least. It's just taking longer than I thought.

[Kengne]

Instead of speaking in vague terms/timeframe, why not have a simple, concrete PLAN.

 

I challenge you - to do what is best for you, sooner than later.

 

How about this: by Sun Feb 23rd you will CUT THE FB CORD cold turkey and delete her from FB. VOILA.

 

It's an actionable, realistic, time specific plan/goal to GET THERE. It gives you 48 hrs, not 48 days or 48 weeks to GET THERE and stop lying to yourself.

 

Instead of talking about it - DO IT.

 

Yes it will hurt - but that feeling of it hurting will only get WORSE, the longer you wait to cut that final cord.

 

DO it now, quick.

 

So what do you say? Are you cutting the FB cord this weekend?

 

QQN

 

K.

 

PS> please don't come with some BS excuse that you need more "time". You will have all the time in the world to heal/grieve/move on once you cut the cord, so that isn't it.

Edited February 22, 2013 by Kengne

[McDonald]

You drive a hard bargain

 

If I dont cut it I will stay in this loop of "what ifs" huh.

 

I wish I could get myself to see it as something I WANT to do instead of just HAVE to.

 

But it must be done. I have to FULLY let go. Its been over she not holding on.. I am and its on me now to make myself feel better.