My phone was found.....

[2sunny]

What makes you think I don't undertsand how hurtful it is? All I did was agree with someone else that stated it served no purpose. If you can enighten me as to what purpose it serves today after all the parties involved are fully informed I would be interested in hearing it.

 

It serves a totally useful purpose - in case her cheating husband doesn't do the necessary work within the M that he purposely destroyed by cheating.

[BetrayedH]

What makes you think I don't undertsand how hurtful it is? All I did was agree with someone else that stated it served no purpose. If you can enighten me as to what purpose it serves today after all the parties involved are fully informed I would be interested in hearing it.

 

It only serves a purpose in a divorce (which may sadly still happen, as I found in my sitch) so that the judge can be fully informed. Otherwise, there really is no purpose and she shouldn't torture herself by reviewing it. It's a hard thing to avoid and I'm glad she has resisted those efforts since she got the phone back.

[Realist3]

It only serves a purpose in a divorce (which may sadly still happen, as I found in my sitch) so that the judge can be fully informed. Otherwise, there really is no purpose and she shouldn't torture herself by reviewing it. It's a hard thing to avoid and I'm glad she has resisted those efforts since she got the phone back.

 

Well, I live in a no fault divorce state so affairs/adultery don't really play much of a factor in divorce proceedings.

[2sunny]

Well, I live in a no fault divorce state so affairs/adultery don't really play much of a factor in divorce proceedings.

 

And so this is why her evidence is important. It applies in her state.

 

The fact that he wants her to ditch his evidence is unbelievable!

[BetrayedH]

Well, I live in a no fault divorce state so affairs/adultery don't really play much of a factor in divorce proceedings.

 

My state is also known as a "no fault" state yet judges are "permitted" to make decisions about custody, child support, and alimony based on infidelity. Go figure. The "no fault" bit just gives them the right not to care. Most of them don't care but in agregious(sp?) situations (or with certain judges) they do care. In my case, my attorneys said I would likely get alimony if I had gone to court for it BUT I might spend most of it pursuing the option (and I ran the risk of the judge not awarding it at all). I might have pursued it further if I had kept some more of that stuff. In my book, unless her attorney says to discard it, I'd keep it.

[jnel921]

I think keeping it is my best option in case it doesn't work out. We would have to work out a settlement if we ever got a divorced and I am not about to get screwed on that.

 

I agree my H has collosal balls asking me to hand it over, which I didn't.

 

I am sure he hates me reading all of the text messages that were forwarded to me. However I only have a few and there were hundreds. The OW made it a point to forward me a text where my H tells her how he was attracted to her the moment he saw her and how he knew he would be hurting two people he cared about it but he wanted to pursue it anyway....and how he could fall in love with her.

 

This is what keeps me angry with the situation and this is what is hard about getting over this. My H says she altered his texts to her but I don't beleive him.

 

I agree with many here that once it's discovered this is when our WS realize what they have to lose or gain. So at that point he was remorseful, but I cannot trust that he was sincere since he wasn't the person to tell me about it. The OW called him a coward in her text to him.

 

So who knows what the truth is. I honestly feel I don't know it. I only have the couple of items stored in that phone.

 

It is a struggle everyday not to feel some kind of way about this and my H. He just isn't the same man I fell in love with over 10 years ago. We have had issues over the years that I have posted here, but I didn't think it would lead to this.

 

I don't know if I would ever want to be with anyone else if things don't work out for us. It just seems like this may be in a lot of men's nature and just not something I want to deal or put up with.

[Realist3]

My state is also known as a "no fault" state yet judges are "permitted" to make decisions about custody, child support, and alimony based on infidelity. Go figure. The "no fault" bit just gives them the right not to care. Most of them don't care but in agregious(sp?) situations (or with certain judges) they do care. In my case, my attorneys said I would likely get alimony if I had gone to court for it BUT I might spend most of it pursuing the option (and I ran the risk of the judge not awarding it at all). I might have pursued it further if I had kept some more of that stuff. In my book, unless her attorney says to discard it, I'd keep it.

 

The judges I have spoken with think it is a godsend. With the caseloads going through the roof they don't have the time nor the desire to get into the machinations of affairs/relationship or the he said she said game.

 

It can have an impact with custody and alimony, but usually it is pretty rare.

 

If she needs it for evidence then she should keep it, but it seems like she is mainly using it to open up old wounds which doesn't dound very healthy.

[beenburned]

I agree!

 

And the sad part of it all is, that this might just be the tip of the iceburg about the whole truth!

 

Many BS's find out lots more info from different sources as time goes by!

 

Stay tough and on alert mode for the time being.

[beenburned]

Realist,

 

Where you live this might be rare. But where I live this is a normal and frequent occurence!

 

I am so glad to live in one of the 13 states here in the US that still have fault divorces!(they also offer no-fault divorces to those who want them)

 

Read back up on what all happened to my D. Nobody should be able to ruin someone's life like that and not have to pay for it!!

[BetrayedH]

You've been here for a while but it seems you're barely out of the gate on this. I think I would still be investigating. Maybe it's just me; I can forgive but not to someone that is actively lying to me. I HAD to know the truth. It took me 8 months of investigating and sifting thru lies to get to it.

 

What are the chances of you partnering with the OW to garner the truth?

[jwi71]

I think keeping it is my best option in case it doesn't work out. We would have to work out a settlement if we ever got a divorced and I am not about to get screwed on that.

 

Here's the thing though - his infidelity means nothing in a settlement. Has virtually ZERO bearing. If you don't believe me ask your lawyer. You have hired and spoken to a lawyer right?

 

There is, unless there is a prenup speaking to penalties concerning infidelity, almost zero reason to keep the phone from a legal perspective.

 

Again, not knowing the particulars - and not being a lawyer, go hire one. Hear from a trained and experience professional in family law what these "texts" prove in asset allocation and custody (if you have kids). I'm 99.95% certain your lawyer says "nothing really".

 

I agree my H has collosal balls asking me to hand it over, which I didn't.

 

My fear is you use this as a weapon and/or crutch. The phone itself becomes an object of contention and lost is the critical state of the M. War not over the phone. It means NOTHING. Has ZERO value - or positive value. Please consider how you felt when you lost it and when it was recovered. What you felt you lost was...your weapon?...your proof?...your reminder? None of that good.

 

You know of the A. Your H knows. Hopefully you have told all whom you think need be told. Might that include an MC? If so, a simple deposition will "prove" the A in court. No reason to keep it or obsess on it. Lose it.

 

I am sure he hates me reading all of the text messages that were forwarded to me. However I only have a few and there were hundreds. The OW made it a point to forward me a text where my H tells her how he was attracted to her the moment he saw her and how he knew he would be hurting two people he cared about it but he wanted to pursue it anyway....and how he could fall in love with her.

 

Par for the course.

If I may...he's moved out and filed for D to be with her?

Oh wait...he's where again?

 

This is what keeps me angry with the situation and this is what is hard about getting over this. My H says she altered his texts to her but I don't beleive him.

 

A lie on his part Im sure.

An understandable one but a lie nonetheless. ITs also pretty normal. I'll let you in on a little secret - you'll NEVER get the "whole truth". The details don't really matter anyway. You know enough.

Are you in MC together?

 

I agree with many here that once it's discovered this is when our WS realize what they have to lose or gain. So at that point he was remorseful, but I cannot trust that he was sincere since he wasn't the person to tell me about it. The OW called him a coward in her text to him.

 

Again, normal. Nothing unusual here.

What are you doing to rebuild trust in the M?

 

It is a struggle everyday not to feel some kind of way about this and my H. He just isn't the same man I fell in love with over 10 years ago. We have had issues over the years that I have posted here, but I didn't think it would lead to this.

 

This seems fresh to me for you. On average, it takes 2-5 years to recover from an A. If you recover.

 

Ways to increase the likelihood of recovery: IC for you both and MC together. Gather friends and family around to help support not only yourself but your M. Also, erase memories/triggers of the A (the d@mn phone for one).

 

I don't know if I would ever want to be with anyone else if things don't work out for us. It just seems like this may be in a lot of men's nature and just not something I want to deal or put up with.

 

Yeah, normal. I said it. We all did.

I'm remarried btw.

Just sayin'

[beenburned]

jwi,

 

Read my post above! You are only basing this on where you live.

 

It depends on the laws in the state you live in. In mine, adultery and fraud are very much a part of affecting the outcome of a divorce.

[jwi71]

jwi,

 

Read my post above! You are only basing this on where you live.

 

It depends on the laws in the state you live in. In mine, adultery and fraud are very much a part of affecting the outcome of a divorce.

 

I think what matters is not where you or I live but where SHE files (she needn't necessarily live where she files).

 

Also...she needs to speak to her lawyer - for several reasons but mainly to hear the law as spoken from an attorney. Not what you or I have lived and experienced.

 

What you say does intrigue me - what state has legal foundation/precedent for dividing assets unequally BECAUSE OF infidelity. I'm truly curious. Because what happens is, from what I know...the judge has leeway based on "other factors" such as infidelity. This is true in my state, Texas, as well. But in reality, the A doesn't really matter.

Edited February 22, 2013 by jwi71

[BetrayedH]

The concept of divorcing without demonstrating fault wasn't even introduced in the US until 1970 (via Reagan in CA). Now all states have some form of law that permits a divorce without requiring the demonstration of fault (NY was the last one in 2010). This doesn't mean that alimony and custody cannot be impacted by one party being more at fault. Laws vary by state but there is certainly plenty of precedent for fault being a factor and (generally) judges are given plenty of latitude. What's happened is that many judges have taken this free pass to ignore fault because they are sick to death of wading thru relationship crap trying to figure out whose fault it is. The trend is becoming to just split the kids, split the stuff and move on.

 

I find it to be simple laziness and a real travesty of justice when a clear breach of contract has taken place that sometimes involves children and decades of someone's life.

Edited February 22, 2013 by BetrayedH

[ver13]

I asked you before how did you feel about the phone when it was gone and now it re-appears. IMO you have two options keep it as is or erase the text. You have to decide which is more important to you as for the whole D thing and the phone being evidence so what. Unless you have a lot to lose in the court room without it how does it factor into the D. If you are headed in that route it doesen't matter what got you there the only thing that counts is getting a clean break. Thats just my opinion on the matter if you want to give it second chance keeping all of the text will not help you make it easy what so ever. I'm all about protecting yourself from drama but somethings just continue to create it. I really don't think that you should give H the phone he has no right to ask for it your his W not his D. The question is what do you hope to gain?

[jnel921]

You've been here for a while but it seems you're barely out of the gate on this. I think I would still be investigating. Maybe it's just me; I can forgive but not to someone that is actively lying to me. I HAD to know the truth. It took me 8 months of investigating and sifting thru lies to get to it.

 

What are the chances of you partnering with the OW to garner the truth?

 

Honestly, never. She was obnoxious the fist time I ever spoke to her and did not tell me the truth. This was back in August when I discovered the phone calls and wanted to know the nature of their relationship. She was the GF of his BF at work and claimed she was calling him while her man was away as they were having issues and she felt my H knew whatever was going on with him. This was the story my H told me and when I asked her she said "yeah whatever he said". Then she proceeded to call me a fool and told me how I didn't deserve my H.

 

At that time my H called his BF who was surprised to find out he was even calling his girl and he told him the same story and he seemed to accept that until I called him one day from work to talk to him about the frequency of the calls and texts which I am sure led up to her confessing to him and eventually her calling me at work to let me know the truth.

 

I did speak to her after D-Day and unfortunately she wasn't truthful. She basically told me that I would be feeling the same pain she was and I had to do everything within my power not to go to her and beat her a$$. I was convinced she was a mental case in need of extreme attention. I spoke to her BF and warned him about her emotions. She showed up at their work and was fighting, begging and pleading with her BF to stay with her. Meanwhile the night before she is telling me how much she enjoyed my husband as she was talking about a candy bar!

 

My H took advantage of a situation. Is he sorry about it. I beleive so. It cost him his friendship, it damaged his marriage and some of the relationships at work has changed. He is working hard on us. I am thankful that this is the case. I went through a terrible time in my first marriage when my ex-H decided he wanted to be with the OW instead of his 1 year old son and our unborn daughter. it was tough to go through the years still having to face him since we had kids together. He has never owned up to his A to this very day. My H and I have no children together. He has been there helping raise mine since they are 4 and 5 and have treated tthem and has loved them as his own.

 

I have taken our history into consideration when I made my decision to R with him. The evidence on my phone is a reminder that he is not perfect and if ever it was the case and I need to use this in a divorce case then so be it. So I will tuck this away for now.

 

I don't like torturing myself. This is the same reason I stopped going to MC. I didn't want to keep reliving it in our conversations which never revealed any new information. I already had the tools I needed from my first experience and told my H if he needed IC that he should go. He insists that this will never happen again and I need not worry. Is that the truth? Who knows. But what I do know is that I wouldn't forgive him again. We would be done and I would be satisfied that I exhausted every resource to make this work and it didn't.

 

If it does work then I guess I made the best choice, as hard as it will be to get to that point where I can look into his eyes and tell him that I love him.

Edited February 24, 2013 by jnel921

[BetrayedH]

Well, I think that answers the question about partnering with the OW.

 

Jnel, you sound to me like you're right where you should be. You made a decision. You're cautiously optimistic. You're not obsessing. You know that time will tell. It ain't your first time around the block. And not that you asked me, but I think it's perfectly ok to try to forgive someone once. Sad that you've had to do this with two people now. Keep your chin up. You're smart enough to know that this isn't about you. I was also going to say that it's not about "men" in general either but I know if I had two different women do this to me, I'd be done with women (at least done with marrying them).