jnel921 Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Unfrickin believable ........ Now my H wants me to go home and hand it over to him.... I don't know if I can do that now.....ughhhhh Link to post Share on other sites
Author jnel921 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 Now that I have it, it's tough. For this brief time I was ok. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 (edited) Your husband doesn't get to decide when you're done holding evidence. Trust me. I made that mistake and shredded a bunch of stuff at my wife's request. Wish I hadn't. He gets to trust YOU now. If his actions stay true, he has nothing to worry about. Edited February 21, 2013 by BetrayedH 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Unfrickin believable ........ Now my H wants me to go home and hand it over to him.... I don't know if I can do that now.....ughhhhh Starting new threads is bad for I have to guess the story. You are a WW That banged some OM You BH does not trust you You claim to of lost a phone that made BH suspicious (your cheating left you untrust worthy) You found the phone yet refuse to give it to your BH Because it has evidence that you cheated on BH Sorry after being a WW you have no right to refuse to live an open life so you BH's questions about the affair can be answered and that you are NC with the OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jnel921 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 Thanks, BetrayedH you are right. I have it and I am not handing it over. I will find a way to copy all of the text and save. I had a conversation over the phone with him last night and told him that if I chose to divorce that is my proof. He said he wouldn't fight me and I didn't need to have that but of course I don't beleive him. He has lied to me already in the worst way. I haven't reread anything on my phone. I am just going to put it away for now. The R process is tough. My heart still aches everyday and I often find myself looking at old photos and reliving memories of the past where I know we were in a better place. He is trying to do that again but it's tough to receive when your heart isn't 100 percent. Forgiving is easy....forgetting is not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jnel921 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 Starting new threads is bad for I have to guess the story. You are a WW That banged some OM You BH does not trust you You claim to of lost a phone that made BH suspicious (your cheating left you untrust worthy) You found the phone yet refuse to give it to your BH Because it has evidence that you cheated on BH Sorry after being a WW you have no right to refuse to live an open life so you BH's questions about the affair can be answered and that you are NC with the OM. Road, I am the BW trying to reconcile with my WH. Its been 5 months since D-Day. My evidence was in that phone. A constant reminder of what happened and it made it harder for me to think clearly everyday. I have had a lot of support here. You can always search for posts here by name if you need more clarity on what everyone's story is. Repeating it is a little redundant. If I were the WW I would hand my phone over easily. But I am not and never will be that person. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
SmokeRat Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Jumping the gun there a little hard aren't you road? Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Don't know what phone you have, but I did the same thing with software designed to backup SMS from a smartphone. It is a good idea to print several copies to store in various places, and keep a few digital copies around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 If it is a smartphone you should be able to email the texts. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Road, I am the BW trying to reconcile with my WH. Its been 5 months since D-Day. My evidence was in that phone. A constant reminder of what happened and it made it harder for me to think clearly everyday. I have had a lot of support here. You can always search for posts here by name if you need more clarity on what everyone's story is. Repeating it is a little redundant. If I were the WW I would hand my phone over easily. But I am not and never will be that person. Why are you keeping the evidence? What GOOD is coming of it now? What potential GOOD comes of having it in the future? ...ultimately, there is no good to keeping it. Link to post Share on other sites
Finally Settled Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 I don't know what your husband is thinking, but try this. You've been a little while with the phone missing and you've been fine about it. Maybe he sees how you've been since it was gone as progress. Is he now maybe concerned that you'll lose some of what you may have gained? Come to a compromise. If you feel you want to have the evidence and he wants you to be free of it, then give it to a trusted friend. Pack it in a locked box and keep the key. Give the box to a friend or relative and have them put it away for you. It's there should you need it, but it's not in your constant possession as a reminder. Just a suggestion that might help you both. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Thanks, BetrayedH you are right. I have it and I am not handing it over. I will find a way to copy all of the text and save. I had a conversation over the phone with him last night and told him that if I chose to divorce that is my proof. He said he wouldn't fight me and I didn't need to have that but of course I don't beleive him. He has lied to me already in the worst way. I haven't reread anything on my phone. I am just going to put it away for now. The R process is tough. My heart still aches everyday and I often find myself looking at old photos and reliving memories of the past where I know we were in a better place. He is trying to do that again but it's tough to receive when your heart isn't 100 percent. Forgiving is easy....forgetting is not. Ah, yes. He says, "I won't fight you." My wife said, "I'll own it." In my divorce settlement, my wife pulled out all the stops. She claimed I was an alcoholic (not remotely accurate), couldn't hold my job (19 years with the same company), a violent person (one episode in my lifetime - when I threw her out - I am a pacifist and a big fan of the likes of Ghandi and John Lennon), the kids grades were suffering (they've never had below a B in their school careers). Blah, blah, blah. None of it would stick but if we had gone to court over alimony, I definitely would have wished I'd had the things I shredded (mostly hotel records). Fortunately, I had her blog post about sex with the OM attached to her email acct and that helped fend off her nonsense. She still would've been exposed. You can't trust them. Good choice on saving the data. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Ultimately if it is good for her peace of mind...then good comes from it. It doesn't appear to be bringing her such. And, if she really thinks on it, I bet she reaches the conclusion it cannot bring such - today, tomorrow or any other day. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Why are you keeping the evidence? What GOOD is coming of it now? What potential GOOD comes of having it in the future? ...ultimately, there is no good to keeping it. That's what I thought. Wrong. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Transfer all the evidence to paper and give it all to a trusted family member. My D gave me all of hers to keep in case their reconciliation didn't work out. Not only did it not work out, but she later found out her XH had two OW at the same time for four whole years!!! She was able to prove adultery and fraud with all her evidence. She was awarded half of everything he spent on his OW during these four years. XH had taken out loans to buy both OW new cars, one a timeshare beachfront condo, and maxed out all credit cards to continue his lifestyle. When that ran out, he started stealing from D's personal accounts! I would NEVER get rid of evidence, as you never know when the cheating spouse might resume the affair or even worse NEVER stop!! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Who has the leverage here? He should be thanking his lucky stars you are taking him back. Tell him no unless he has something to hide. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Unfrickin believable ........ Now my H wants me to go home and hand it over to him.... Your husband, as the cheater, doesn't get to demand Jack Schidt. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 You found the phone. IT'S JUST A PHONE!!!! If he wants the phone! Give him the phone! No big deal! It's just a phone!!!!..............just make sure you take the sim card out of it first! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Why are you keeping the evidence? What GOOD is coming of it now? What potential GOOD comes of having it in the future? ...ultimately, there is no good to keeping it. I agree with this. You know what was done, and he knows you know. It seems toxic to keep it around. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Jumping the gun there a little hard aren't you road? Jump nothing. Just pointing out how starting new threads makes it hard to look back and get the story straight. There is more then one marriage on the rocks and it can be hard to keep stories straight. Staring new threads does not help. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Who has the leverage here? He should be thanking his lucky stars you are taking him back. Tell him no unless he has something to hide. Never get rid of evidence...it's the only thing the court can use to determine your outcome if things don't reconcile well. The fact that your H even asked you to get rid of it is beyond comprehension! He's the one who should be jumping through hoops to be sure you're happy and feel secure - he should not be asking you to get rid of evidence! He did it - the evidence should always be there. Does he understand the extent of the damage he's caused you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I agree with this. You know what was done, and he knows you know. It seems toxic to keep it around. Spoken ONLY from a cheating perspective... Why expect anything else? You just don't have a clue how terribly hurtful it is to have someone ruin your whole life. You cheat - and you cheat with no remorse - why would anyone expect that you could understand the betrayed spouse's perspective - you can't. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 In hindsight, proof of cheating...is such a waste of time, energy, and emotion. But I know first hand how ultra important it is to a BS to get it. Think for a minute though...or a few years, like me. You knew he was cheating, either a red flag or your gut told you. Why did you need proof? To be one hundred percent sure before you flipped out and made accusations. Really? No, you needed tangible proof you could hold in your hand to show him. Ha. You had to prove to him that he was cheating? ! Uh, he knew. For sure he knew. You had to show him so you could stop the gaslighting. The proof we want, need, dig for and hold onto is for own validation because the mind **** that an affair brings on, is just too much to not have something real to say: this happened to me. Keep the damn phone. It has nothing to do with him anymore. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 3 words........Safety deposit box. This way, you have it (just in case) but won't be looking at it daily or weekly. Just a suggestion to think about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Spoken ONLY from a cheating perspective... Why expect anything else? You just don't have a clue how terribly hurtful it is to have someone ruin your whole life. You cheat - and you cheat with no remorse - why would anyone expect that you could understand the betrayed spouse's perspective - you can't. What makes you think I don't undertsand how hurtful it is? All I did was agree with someone else that stated it served no purpose. If you can enighten me as to what purpose it serves today after all the parties involved are fully informed I would be interested in hearing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts