Gay ex cheated on me with professor on grindr and going to post the pictures

[miklos]

Hello,

I was in a relationship with a gay man in college. Story is i got on grindr but didnt hook up. Next day ex finds out and leaves. I found out that night when he comes back that he met a professor and got meth and had sex with him. Ex sucked his dick and prof ate his ass. i forgave him. two weeks later i get on grindr, ex finds out, and he breaks up with me.

 

I am tired of hiding the truth. None of his friends know that he did this to me. My friends do. I will post the grindr images on the web. I am angry at him because he couldnt forgive me.

[destroyed4sho]

Do you mean you will post his grindr profile on the web?

Ahhh your angry and you want his attention...all that is going to do is drive him further from you and build animosity towards you. I would not stoop to that level because people are going to start questioning YOUR character for doing such a thing...you dont wany to go there it will make you look horrible!! Its not right to humiliate you ex bc he no longer wants to be with youm. Show some class and dignity.

 

Plus, lets not forget about the case last year where the college roommate posted gay video tape of his roommate and the guy committed suicide. Your ex sounds emotional and so do you. Dont start a war, it wont blow over well for either of you.

[creighton0123]

Umm... three things here:

 

1. Why is opening Grindr such an offense to your ex?

2. Why would you do something as vindictive of post images from grindr on the web?

3. Why is opening Grindr such an offense to your ex?

 

In my past relationships, I had Grindr on my phone. It was just fun to see who was around in a look but not touch mentality.

 

I digress. You knew that your ex didn't like you using Grindr, yet you did anyhow. In the future, it's better to discuss those things in the beginning of the relationship and get them squared away rather than cause the turmoil that you both ended up with.

[miklos]

i have emotional issues...i need help he was the first guy i told i loved

 

i just texted him a bunch of ****....i hate him i want to stop having feelings for him!!!

[miklos]

i dont know why opening Grindr was such an offense??!!!! he has trust issues. he met the professor on grindr. He might have though i was going to cheat on him. But i would never do that to him. I love him...

[coffeebean201]

how long ago was this?

[miklos]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/372627-gay-couple-involves-meth-cheating-love#post4595165

 

He broke up with me Christmas night on facebook when i was in Mexico. When i went back to college, on Jan 22, he came over to pick up his stuff, on the 23 i went to his place and left roses and letter, on the 24 i went to his place and begged. I was on NC for 22 days but i called and texted him last night.

 

This is my first break up. I went crazy in mexico, depressed, crying all the time, in school i couldnt concentrate. i would have panic attacks, now its gotten better but i still cry

[creighton0123]

Miklos,

 

Cry it out. Don't suppress anger about it. Just get your emotions out without contacting your ex.

 

Think about the grand scheme of things: you were together for 2.5 months. Right now, you're on the next stage of your life. Do what you can to wipe the slate clean and graduate, get a job, go to grad school etc. etc.

 

This is all natural, really. Being that you're gay - like me - many people might not understand that what you're going through now is what they typically go through in middle school or high school, which makes it much harder since you're not only experiencing the emotions that come with a breakup, but the loss of potential since you're simultaneously planning your future.

 

When you're ready to date again, take things slowly. I would say the three date rule before deciding whether or not you want to continue dating. Certainly the 3 date rule before thinking about jumping into bed with the person.

 

Best wishes.

[miklos]

I do cry it out... ive heard that since its my first heart break that they are the hardest and they are. I keep dreaming about him and me getting back together and then i just think about him all day. im going to see a school counselor on tuesday. im tired of being in pain.

 

I am on the next state of life. I am about to graduate. im going to study abroad in the summer.

 

i already broke the 3 day rule. i started dating guys just to try to forget him.

[creighton0123]

I do cry it out... ive heard that since its my first heart break that they are the hardest and they are. I keep dreaming about him and me getting back together and then i just think about him all day. im going to see a school counselor on tuesday. im tired of being in pain.

 

I am on the next state of life. I am about to graduate. im going to study abroad in the summer.

 

i already broke the 3 day rule. i started dating guys just to try to forget him.

 

Not a 3 day rule. Three date rule. Just be honest with guys you might be dating that you're only interested in short term dating right now.

 

Seeing a school therapist would also be a good place to start.

 

You'll get there. Again, straight men and women typically go through their first breakup in middle or high school. We gay men and women... well... have to get a later start given the nature of society at this point in time.

 

You'll get there. Soon enough, you'll meet someone and your ex will be the last person on your mind. And when you meet said person, you might break up with them. They might break up with you. You might, in fact, be together for the rest of your lives. It's the romance game we all play.

[dreamingoftigers]

I saw this with my gay friends too, a later awakening and start to things. Even the ones that fully knew in high school etc.

 

I'm not sure that it's just society. It could be lots of things.

 

Perhaps "gay relationships" are not as role-defined (yet) so hook ups/dating etc. might be a little different to read the signs with one another etc.

 

Actually a lot of my gay buddies remind me of a lot of hetero "late bloomers" that I know. One of my best friends is a 32 year old virgin.

 

Not a 3 day rule. Three date rule. Just be honest with guys you might be dating that you're only interested in short term dating right now.

 

Seeing a school therapist would also be a good place to start.

 

You'll get there. Again, straight men and women typically go through their first breakup in middle or high school. We gay men and women... well... have to get a later start given the nature of society at this point in time.

 

You'll get there. Soon enough, you'll meet someone and your ex will be the last person on your mind. And when you meet said person, you might break up with them. They might break up with you. You might, in fact, be together for the rest of your lives. It's the romance game we all play.

[creighton0123]

I saw this with my gay friends too, a later awakening and start to things. Even the ones that fully knew in high school etc.

 

I'm not sure that it's just society. It could be lots of things.

 

Perhaps "gay relationships" are not as role-defined (yet) so hook ups/dating etc. might be a little different to read the signs with one another etc.

 

Actually a lot of my gay buddies remind me of a lot of hetero "late bloomers" that I know. One of my best friends is a 32 year old virgin.

 

I feel it has everything to do with society. Society is still 100% heteronormative. By this I mean everyone operates under assumed heterosexuality. It's the entire reason coming out is still required. It is the big reason why the vast majority of young gay men and women do not even begin to date until their early 20's when they are far removed from the potential of social rejection/hostility of family/friends.

 

Virtually every gay man I know, including myself, did not even begin to date other men until late college, spending a great deal of time dating women in order to hide their sexual orientation out of fear of social rejection.

 

In my case, fear of rejection turned out to be unmerited, but it meant that I began pursuing potential life partners at the age of 22, whereas my heterosexual counterparts had gotten that early-dating phase done when they were 14-17.

 

It is why this is doubly hard for miklos: because he is experiencing first relationship breakups when he is in a place in life of planning for his long-term future.

 

Miklos, know this: it does get much better. Once you're out and on your own and away from the restrictions of college life, you will feel 100% better and will begin finding other young men who are absent crazy jealousy. With each relationship you have, you come closer to finding someone who can be your true partner in life.

 

There will be bumps along the way, of course, with quite a few months of potential heartbreak either dealt or received, but it is a dance most of us participate in and it is most definitely one you do not want to sit out.

[iouaname]

Um, no. Do not do that. I understand you are hurting and I'm sorry about that but what you are planning to do is both stupid and immature and it is not going to do a damn thing to make you feel better.

[amaysngrace]

Have a little dignity and ignore him completely.

 

How can you love someone who treats you so badly to break up with you right before Christmas while you're on vacation, gets mad at you for the very same thing he does, and cheats on you?

 

No way would I'd be sad to lose someone that treats me so badly. I'd be pissed that I ever saw anything in him to begin with.

[Sugarkane]

I think you dished a bullet. Especially someone who's willing to do meth.

[miklos]

I am starting NC again. I have been texting him all day about my feelings. I even face booked messaged his female best friend about what really happened. I just want to get through this phase. I haven't cried. I am just angry.

[miklos]

Thank you creighton. You truly are wise. I guess having first break up than in high school is that in high school you might know its short term since you are young, but if in relationship in college, then you might actually be starting to plan including that person which is something I did do. Ugh.

 

But I will be graduating in may and studying abroad in the summer. Then in October I will be applying to law school. I got no time to be worrying about stupid people

[creighton0123]

Not wise, Miklos. Just... have experienced what you've been through before. It's the precise reason why most gay men and women begin to settle down in their early to mid 30's whereas most straight men and women settle down in late 20's to early 30's - a 4 to 6 year difference that reflects the absence of dating experience in high school :-)

[miklos]

Yeah I had two 1-month relationship(?) when i was 17... then this guy is the first guy i date in college and im 21. He is the first guy i told i loved. I came out to all my friends because of him. im happy i met him. I am more comfortable identifying as being gay. I tell people im gay. I party more lol. i dont regret meeting him. I had so much fun. But ill find someone better.

[creighton0123]

I wouldn't say "I'll find someone better". You'll find someone who will be a more appropriate friend and lover for you.

 

That should be your goal, right? To find someone who can be your best friend for the rest of your life who will be your partner and is also pretty good in the sack, right?

 

And by "good in the sack", I mean very sexually compatible. That does not mean "OMG THE BEST SEX EVER". Just "This really feels right" sex.

[miklos]

Yeah i want someone who can be my best friend, ill be there for that person and he will be there for me... but at the same time someone who i enjoy being in bed with.

[melenkurion]

I'm sorry for your pain. It will get better for you.

 

In the end, it does sound like you dodged a bullet.

 

I understand that you are angry, but in the end, any kind of revenge won't help you. You feel good for a tiny little while, but the real pain is still there. Focus on making yourself feel better, not on making him feel worse.

 

With things like grindr, it's worth getting the discussions out of the way before you get serious with someone. Some guys are relaxed about their partner being on it, seeing it as no big thing, whereas for some it is a real deal breaker. Have the discussion before anything happens so you know where you stand.

 

For the other discussion: I'm with Creighton, I think societal pressures to conform, and a sort of a lack of a "rule book" have in the past had a tendency to "delay" things just a little bit for gay people. Apart from anything else, when I was 18 in the pre-internet era I was such a naive kid that I had no idea how I would meet other gay people. However, I also think that at least here in the UK this is starting to change.