Seeing him tonight to get my stuff..hopeful? :'(

[jumbojet123]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/371200-my-sad-story-desperate-now

 

That above is my story.

 

been trying to give him space. Had a couple phone calls, conversations have been very normal, caught up, talked like normal aside from the detail of us being broken up. If i mentioned (which only happened 1 or 2 times since that text failure in my story) about the relationship he would not talk.

 

he said i can come and get my printer and some stuff tonight.

he has not been doing much, just work has been busy (new ER job) and seeing family and his guy friends for dinner, rescue squad meetings. I know he is being honest.

I forgot to mention in my story..when he changed the facebook status thing ..he just has himself not listed as anything and he said i can leave mine as whatever i would like. Dont know if thats me reading into it too much.

 

So here I am. Going to get my belongings and return his key..been almost a month. Talked on phone 2 times...texts a few times mostly just about a date to get my things...some how are you's..at first I did panic right after as in my story but Ive been leaving him alone and he has not reached out to me..he does not show emotions well in general and either he is just trying to move on..get through whatever it is that is wrong...he did say he is just "okay" and very tired lately..i dont know. Only he knows.

I will just be polite...I do want to ask where things stand however, because I cannot be his friend and he needs to know that.

 

Any tips/advice?

Thanks

UGH

[KatZee]

To be honest I think he's going to keep this "visit" as short as possible. I don't think there's going to be this whole huge discussion or meet up. He will prob have your things right by the front door and will hand it off.

 

I think if he's not initiating things after a month, your best bet is to just keep walking with your dignity. You don't need to tell him you're going NC or that you can't be his friend. Just get your stuff, and drop off the radar. Do the NC for you.

 

I mean it's not as if he's even trying to be a friend in your life anyway. To speak 2x in a month? There doesn't seem to be much effort there, so you should see where you guys are at.

Edited February 15, 2013 by KatZee

[newsbug]

As much as it sucks and as hard as it would be, I think you should just get your stuff, be polite as you have to be and then just leave. And then that's it. It will be hard but if you try and talk and he doesn't really want to, then it will make you feel bad about yourself. And you want to keep your dignity. You don't want the last image he has of you as a sobbing, begging mess. Be strong. Then drive around the corner and cry. And be glad that you don't have to deal with him anymore because now you can really get down to getting over him.

 

I know that's a lot easier said than done, but you will feel better in the long run.

[jumbojet123]

No i wont cry..but i deserve an answer.

[Coping Vortex]

but i deserve an answer.

 

Ohhhh......many on this site will totally disagree with you. Not me, mind you but many others. Wait for the storm....

[newsbug]

But even if he gives you an answer, would it change anything? If he told you the exact thing that happened that made him decide he didn't want to be with you any longer, it wouldn't make you feel better. In the end, he's still gone. That's what I keep telling myself. The reason may be mean...or maybe he doesn't really know why. But it doesn't really matter because unless he says he is so sorry for he has done and he has changed his mind and he wants to work everything out, it's just junk and you will still be broken up and it will still be over and you will still be stuck where you are, trying to put the pieces of yourself back together. I know it sucks and it's not fair that he gets to go on without seeming to lose or feel anything...but it just is what it is. It's just crap.

[KatZee]

No i wont cry..but i deserve an answer.

 

Exactly what are you waiting to hear? His actions are screaming it loud and clear. He ended it. He wants his key. He wants to get rid of your stuff from his apartment. He's not interesting in maintaining this "friendship."

 

What exactly else do you need to hear? Do you WANT to look him in the face and have him say that he's not in love with you? That there's someone else? That he doesn't see you in his future? Do you really want to do that to yourself?

 

You don't "deserve" anything here. It doesn't matter how great you were, or what you guys had. He ended it and it's just the way things have to be. To plead for answers, one's he will DEFINITELY lie about are going to do you no good.

[veggirl]

He did give you an answer already..he said he isn't in love with you, loves you like a friend, and he wants to have time to do all the single type stuff he used to do.

 

I would send a friend for your stuff if possible. You are going to be more hurt and upset when he just hands your stuff over and sends you on your way.

[jumbojet123]

doesn't matter. it is over. he said he is sorry, but he does not want a relationship right now. he sad he would like to be friends but understands if i can't be, but shutting him out means there will never be a chance in the future, he said, but he understands my reasons. he didn't know what to say except he is sorry. he is not interested in anyone right now. he just wants to be alone.

 

it is over.

it is real now. the end.

 

i am a husk.

so now i am done with trying. not contacting would just extinguish anything but he said he cant make promises either way because he simply does not know. which means it is not happening ever. he wants to be alone.

 

the PAIN i am feeling is something i can not explain in words. i cant sleep. i wake up every hour from dreams of being back together. i cry constantly. i cant eat. i dont know where i am ir who i am. i lost my home, my pet, my routine. i lost me sense of everything. sure, maybe it was wrong because i got too close. but i was happy, i didnt see it coming.

 

and i cant find anything BAD to remember to make it easier to move on.

and seeing ho he can just think to want to be a friend, to be able to live normally..

everything in the apartment was the same..my PILLOW on the bed was the same..if it was my house i would have had to box and hude everything..my shampoo bottle was still there..how can he just be fine with that? i wouldnt be able to..i dont understand. he was able to be so relaxed with me being there..like it was nothing..i dont know what ..i dont even know what to think or say. i feel so EMPTY...i dont know how to trust anyone..i cant. i simply have to exclude myself for my life now. and just live a lonely life like this. i was happy and loved it, every day was a good memory and now i dont know what to do with my brain. i want to sleep :'( i dont want anyone else..i am so lonely but cant do anything. i cant even sleep in a bed. i have to be on a sofa.

 

i do not know what to do.

[cavalier99]

doesn't matter. it is over. he said he is sorry, but he does not want a relationship right now. he sad he would like to be friends but understands if i can't be, but shutting him out means there will never be a chance in the future, he said, but he understands my reasons. he didn't know what to say except he is sorry. he is not interested in anyone right now. he just wants to be alone.

 

it is over.

it is real now. the end.

 

i am a husk.

so now i am done with trying. not contacting would just extinguish anything but he said he cant make promises either way because he simply does not know. which means it is not happening ever. he wants to be alone.

 

the PAIN i am feeling is something i can not explain in words. i cant sleep. i wake up every hour from dreams of being back together. i cry constantly. i cant eat. i dont know where i am ir who i am. i lost my home, my pet, my routine. i lost me sense of everything. sure, maybe it was wrong because i got too close. but i was happy, i didnt see it coming.

 

and i cant find anything BAD to remember to make it easier to move on.

and seeing ho he can just think to want to be a friend, to be able to live normally..

everything in the apartment was the same..my PILLOW on the bed was the same..if it was my house i would have had to box and hude everything..my shampoo bottle was still there..how can he just be fine with that? i wouldnt be able to..i dont understand. he was able to be so relaxed with me being there..like it was nothing..i dont know what ..i dont even know what to think or say. i feel so EMPTY...i dont know how to trust anyone..i cant. i simply have to exclude myself for my life now. and just live a lonely life like this. i was happy and loved it, every day was a good memory and now i dont know what to do with my brain. i want to sleep :'( i dont want anyone else..i am so lonely but cant do anything. i cant even sleep in a bed. i have to be on a sofa.

 

i do not know what to do.

 

Wow reading that was painful and brought back some memories for me of 4.5 months ago. All i can say is that it does get better with pure NC. You need to go into survival mode ok? That means no contact whatsoever. Not 1 text nothing. Cry get it all out. Lean into the pain. Go for a walk. Eat. Breath. Pray.

 

The 1st few weeks are the worst. Then time goes back to normal. You need to survive 1 day at a time. Get thru a few weeks and the heart wrenching pain subsides and you leave the lower pits of hell. I promise it gets better.

[jumbojet123]

He left me a month ago and it only gets worse because i thought maybe he would come back or change his mind. He won't. I feel so empty. I can't face people..they all can be happy and talk about things at work, and just be normal, and the ones that talk about their husbands or boyfriends that is the worst. I can't even engage in any of it. Nothing seems to have a point. I feed my parent's cat because I had to move back to them now and live on the sofa. I go to work and hate being there, feel lost in my job which I do not even enjoy-thought I used to but all I can think about is how he works in a high caliber ER and here I am at a veterinary clinic. Feel left behind. I know I am my own person, but I am not earning much, I do not have a passion for another career to earn more or money or a drive for school for more..I have to live at my mother's home because of rent-it was nice to be able to share with him. my few friends are in other states, and I lost his friends which grew close to me. My hobbies were similar to his and make me feel sick thinking about..and the others aren't much.

I am depressed. I have always in my life dealt with depression but I have been able to combat it through family and friends. I get too close to people whether it is family, friends, now him. it hurts. I do not do well with change.

I am haunted by my memories. I wish I could erase them all. I know it is awful, but if I am never going to be with him again, I wish I could just erase the past year and have had it never happen. I do not know how else to get by. I feel almost used and thrown out like trash. I know he didn't mean it to be that way but I cannot help but feel that way and now I will never trust another human being. It is awful to have to feel that way..because I loved being with him, being close to him having his company having our understanding, our passions, times together, everything. And now I will never let my guard down to experience that ever again. It is not worth this pain.

[cavalier99]

I know you can't see this now but you'll eventually be able to function. The real healing starts now. That 1st month didn't count. It is time to reformat. Only NC. The other things will come with time.

 

Wake up and be grateful for anything. The air you breath. The couch you have. The world hasn't ended although it may feel that way. You won't die and you will slowley claw your way out. But you can't focus on all that is lost all day. Do that when you cry and say to yourself "it is over". Then get up and push those thoughts away.

[newsbug]

I was thinking about you last night and this morning, wondering how it went. And I felt bad because I went against what I had told you today and totally broke my NC thing. I checked him out on facebook and I texted him. And I feel like and idiot. But I just deleted any chance of me being able to contact him or spy on him. Nothing he said today, even though it was polite, helped me. He was nice to me, but because he feels sorry for me and he doesn't want himself to feel bad about being a jackass cheater with commitment issues.

 

I know things really suck right now...I'm right there with you...but I really do know that if I can just keep moving forward and forget about the what was and what happened and the whys and the what ifs, I will get back to okay. I know it will take a long time and I know it's going to hurt a lot...but there's nothing else we can do to get through it but go through it. I keep reading stories on this site and I keep talking out loud about my trying to make me feel better things...I'm sure my friends and family think I have lost it, which I have. And I have made an appointment to see a therapist on Wednesday. I keep having the scene in Under the Tuscan Sun play in my head while she is in the divorce lawyer's office and he says to her, "I know it's hard to believe, but you will be happy again." I like that thought much more than the, "You'll meet someone else soon" thought. I'm like you and I can't imagine ever wanting to go through this junk again. I just want to be happy again.

 

Try and keep your head up. Know you're not alone. You have people on here to vent to and you have your parents that love you. *hugs*

[KatZee]

He left me a month ago and it only gets worse because i thought maybe he would come back or change his mind. He won't. I feel so empty. I can't face people..they all can be happy and talk about things at work, and just be normal, and the ones that talk about their husbands or boyfriends that is the worst. I can't even engage in any of it. Nothing seems to have a point. I feed my parent's cat because I had to move back to them now and live on the sofa. I go to work and hate being there, feel lost in my job which I do not even enjoy-thought I used to but all I can think about is how he works in a high caliber ER and here I am at a veterinary clinic. Feel left behind. I know I am my own person, but I am not earning much, I do not have a passion for another career to earn more or money or a drive for school for more..I have to live at my mother's home because of rent-it was nice to be able to share with him. my few friends are in other states, and I lost his friends which grew close to me. My hobbies were similar to his and make me feel sick thinking about..and the others aren't much.

I am depressed. I have always in my life dealt with depression but I have been able to combat it through family and friends. I get too close to people whether it is family, friends, now him. it hurts. I do not do well with change.

I am haunted by my memories. I wish I could erase them all. I know it is awful, but if I am never going to be with him again, I wish I could just erase the past year and have had it never happen. I do not know how else to get by. I feel almost used and thrown out like trash. I know he didn't mean it to be that way but I cannot help but feel that way and now I will never trust another human being. It is awful to have to feel that way..because I loved being with him, being close to him having his company having our understanding, our passions, times together, everything. And now I will never let my guard down to experience that ever again. It is not worth this pain.

 

Everything about this was how I felt after the loss of my last relationship. I too lost people I had gotten close to in my exes life. I lost everything. Friends, his family.

 

I had to start from the bottom up. Literally. Due to me moving around a lot in the past few years, I don't have a solid group of friends. I was scared b/c I lost a guy who was my love and my supposed best friend, and I was left with nothing. No one on my side.

 

I wound up getting my own apartment. I went complete NC and he never heard from me again. My ex too tried to say, "I want to be friends, and that way something can maybe happen down the line." I thought about it for 5 seconds and then realized I'd never be his friend. I'm not going to be around whenever he felt like it to stroke his ego. He was with me, or he wasn't and at that moment he chose not to be.

 

It was pretty bad the first few weeks. I obsessed about how I could get him back. I played by all the rules, left him alone so he'd miss me. In the end nothing mattered. He didn't want me, didn't love me, didn't need me or miss me. I actually came to find out he was a pretty cruel and s.hitty human being.

 

After the first couple months it started to get easier. Still not good, but I was sleeping and eating. When the anger hit, that was the worst. Be prepared for that because the rage will come and you can't let it consume you. I was stuck in the rage phase for a good two months and it's only been the past few months or so where I'm actually doing very well. I think of him far less than I ever thought possible.

 

I went out and made new friends. Join meetup.com. There are all kinds of groups and all kinds of new people to meet. I reconnected with old friends. Don't feel jealous or left out b/c people talk about their relationships and marriages. Once you get into the groove of being single, you will see how much fun you're having. How you get to do anything you want, things you couldn't do because you were in a relationship.

 

Relationships aren't races, but lessons to learn. Take this relationship, learn your lessons and take those lessons on to the next person. I'm 9 months post break up and I'm still not 100% comfortable getting into something new, and that's OK. You need to learn to rely on yourself, have your own secure lifestyle before you get with anyone else. --- I made that mistake, and you did too... making a guy your whole life without having anything to fall back on. That's why it seems you've lost so much.

 

If I were to get with someone right now and he dumped me... it would suck, but my life would still keep rolling and I'd have this life to fall back on.

[jumbojet123]

The physical comfort is hard-sleeping alone, not having physical comfort. I feel tense and sick. I hate it. And I wish I had him for that. I hate knowing I will not ever have him again to hold his hand or rest next to, it makes me go into a full blown panic attack I almost feel like a waste..I don't know how to explain. It is awful.

 

Thank you for your advice. it is inspiring to me.

[SharkTooth]

Your feelings are such a familiar pain. I hate to hear that and I'm sure just about everyone here remembers those f*% up days and nights. Know that you will get better, that's a promise! Lean on this place, there's lots of great advice. Before you might contact your ex, try and give yourself a "24" hours rule before and ask around here for advice. It's definitely not what you'll want to hear but it's solid truth. Let the grieve happen naturally, it's perfectly normal...

 

I wish you the best