lollipop29 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I've been doing NC (well, pretty much) with a guy for a few weeks now...maybe 3 weeks? But we ended things a while before that. During NC, there were a couple of times where he texted me, so then I told him I really needed the space and he wrote me back a really long message. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what the message really means, but that's a different story. (You can read about it here if you want) In a couple of weeks, there's going to be a party where a bunch of our mutual friends will be.. I really want to go and see everyone, and a part of me kinda wanted to see him too. I don't know why, but I'm just being 100% honest. However, I have no idea how it would go. I guess what I've learned through this experience is that I should probably pay more attention to "outcomes" and "consequences". I should think about the possible things that could happen, and decide if any of them are good outcomes. Or if any of them are simply NOT terrible outcomes. Here's what I know: We aren't going to get back together. I don't know if I'm ready to be friends yet. Not sure what outcome I'm expecting, but there just aren't many chances for me to ever run into him again ever again, so I feel like I should take the opportunity. I just want to see him. I wouldn't talk with him alone or anything. I just kinda wish the party was later on down the road. Anyway, regarding who is the dumpee vs dumper, I'd say that he and I are pretty much on an equal level. We both still kinda like each other, although I guess the 'desire' is probably dying down as reality sets in that we're not going to end up together. (We had an affair, but before you judge me or think that somehow the 'break up' is any different-please know that it is NOT different. it might actually be even harder than a regular break up, cuz neither of us can really fuel our feelings into hatred). We were friends before that, and have a lot of mutual friends. I was just going to give them up when I realized that I might not ever be able to be around him again without liking him or feeling guilty. But I think I've kind of passed that point maybe. I don't know, please just give me your thoughts
ak8o8 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Hi, I'm in a similar situation I think. My girlfriend of a year and a half dumped me and I've been no contact with her for over two months despite a few attempts for her to contact me. Anyway, a mutual friend of ours is having a birthday party at the beginning of next month and the way I see it is that I feel I am at a place where I feel that I can deal with seeing her and not wanting to be back with her. I think if you're at this point, it's ok to go out and have fun with your mutual friends because 1) it shows that you're ok and you've been doing ok without that person in your life and 2) you're not letting your ex run your life and you're doing what you want to be doing. Now I understand the whole feeling of wanting to see your ex again, but I keep in my mind that she hurt me before and she'll probably do it again. But like I said, it's really if you think you're at a point where you've accepted that you're not together and that you don't want to be with that other person. Then again, I haven't gone to my party yet and I don't know what will happen. All I know is that I wouldn't want my life to be controlled by my ex and if I want to be at a party for my friend, I sure as hell am gonna do it. 1
Author lollipop29 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Hi, I'm in a similar situation I think. My girlfriend of a year and a half dumped me and I've been no contact with her for over two months despite a few attempts for her to contact me. Anyway, a mutual friend of ours is having a birthday party at the beginning of next month and the way I see it is that I feel I am at a place where I feel that I can deal with seeing her and not wanting to be back with her. I think if you're at this point, it's ok to go out and have fun with your mutual friends because 1) it shows that you're ok and you've been doing ok without that person in your life and 2) you're not letting your ex run your life and you're doing what you want to be doing. Now I understand the whole feeling of wanting to see your ex again, but I keep in my mind that she hurt me before and she'll probably do it again. But like I said, it's really if you think you're at a point where you've accepted that you're not together and that you don't want to be with that other person. Then again, I haven't gone to my party yet and I don't know what will happen. All I know is that I wouldn't want my life to be controlled by my ex and if I want to be at a party for my friend, I sure as hell am gonna do it. Do you think I should contact him and tell him I'm going to go? So I don't give him a heartattack when I show up?
ak8o8 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 In my opinion, giving him the heads up is kind of like checking with him if it's ok and the way I was going to do it in my situation was just show up. Then again, it doesn't matter what she thinks at this point. I'm doing what I want to be doing. 1
GingerVixen Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 If you really wanna go to this party (I wouldn't because I wouldn't feel comfortable yet, but it depends on what you're feeling rn), just be polite to him. If he looks at you, wave at him, say hi and that's it. If he wants to talk LET HIM COME TO YOU. DON'T GO AFTER HIM AT THE PARTY FOR ANY REASON. Why? Because you've told him you want NC. If you go after him it will seem that you're either nuts or you're playing him. "oh i told you to go NC but hey now i wanna talk!" So please dont go after him. AND AVOID being in any group where he is. If he's talking to a bunch of guys don't go there talk to one of the guys, you know you'd be only doing this to draw his attention. DON'T DO THAT EITHER. The responsibility of trying to make amends with you or being friends with you is in his hands, not in yours. Remember that. 1
Author lollipop29 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 If you really wanna go to this party (I wouldn't because I wouldn't feel comfortable yet, but it depends on what you're feeling rn), just be polite to him. If he looks at you, wave at him, say hi and that's it. If he wants to talk LET HIM COME TO YOU. DON'T GO AFTER HIM AT THE PARTY FOR ANY REASON. Why? Because you've told him you want NC. If you go after him it will seem that you're either nuts or you're playing him. "oh i told you to go NC but hey now i wanna talk!" So please dont go after him. AND AVOID being in any group where he is. If he's talking to a bunch of guys don't go there talk to one of the guys, you know you'd be only doing this to draw his attention. DON'T DO THAT EITHER. The responsibility of trying to make amends with you or being friends with you is in his hands, not in yours. Remember that. Oooh you brought up a lot of things that I didn't even think of. Wow, hmm...maybe this is more complicated than i thought
GingerVixen Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Oooh you brought up a lot of things that I didn't even think of. Wow, hmm...maybe this is more complicated than i thought Oh, sorry if you got even more worried, that was not my intention. I'm just warning you because I've already been in a situation like this. Think over it.
Author lollipop29 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Oh, sorry if you got even more worried, that was not my intention. I'm just warning you because I've already been in a situation like this. Think over it. No, no, don't apologize. That's why I asked for thoughts! I'm glad you pointed these things out... cuz... well, I realize this is more difficult than I thought. And maybe if I hadn't thought of these things prior to the party, I would have made some super bad decisions. Maybe it's not worth it... what can I get out of the experience? If I want to see those friends, I could always organize something else with them. I think deep down I do want to see him. But why? What do I hope to gain? Just to wear a pretty dress and catch his eye and then have this really stupid, awkward interaction? How did your experience work out?
GingerVixen Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 No, no, don't apologize. That's why I asked for thoughts! I'm glad you pointed these things out... cuz... well, I realize this is more difficult than I thought. And maybe if I hadn't thought of these things prior to the party, I would have made some super bad decisions. Maybe it's not worth it... what can I get out of the experience? If I want to see those friends, I could always organize something else with them. I think deep down I do want to see him. But why? What do I hope to gain? Just to wear a pretty dress and catch his eye and then have this really stupid, awkward interaction? How did your experience work out? Well I've dated this guy for almost 1 year. I became really close friends with his sister. BEST FRIENDS. Then I broke up with him. He begged 8 times for a reconciliation, then at his sister's wedding I made the terrible mistake to take him back. 6 months later I broke up with him , and that was definite. His sister would always tell me he was still thinking about me and that he regretted everything and wanted me back . Then after 10 months without seeing each other (meanwhile his sister got pregnant and had the baby) , his sister asked me to be the baby's godmother. AND WHO WOULD BE THE GODFATHER? Yes you're right. So imagine it, after 10 months of NC you have to meet the guy in a church and you'll be the godparents of a baby. The day of the baptism came, I just waved at him, I didn't even hug or kissed his cheek , everything was okay at the church, and after that my sister threw a party at a restaurant the and ALL THE TIME i would talk to anybody but him. He would stare at me with puppy eyes as if I would go and talk to him. I didn't.
Author lollipop29 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Well I've dated this guy for almost 1 year. I became really close friends with his sister. BEST FRIENDS. Then I broke up with him. He begged 8 times for a reconciliation, then at his sister's wedding I made the terrible mistake to take him back. 6 months later I broke up with him , and that was definite. His sister would always tell me he was still thinking about me and that he regretted everything and wanted me back . Then after 10 months without seeing each other (meanwhile his sister got pregnant and had the baby) , his sister asked me to be the baby's godmother. AND WHO WOULD BE THE GODFATHER? Yes you're right. So imagine it, after 10 months of NC you have to meet the guy in a church and you'll be the godparents of a baby. The day of the baptism came, I just waved at him, I didn't even hug or kissed his cheek , everything was okay at the church, and after that my sister threw a party at a restaurant the and ALL THE TIME i would talk to anybody but him. He would stare at me with puppy eyes as if I would go and talk to him. I didn't. WOW!!!!!! That is pretty darn awkward. Sorry to hear that you had to experience that. What a strange situation to be in.
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