lollipop29 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I had a mutual break up with someone b/c we had to. At first he said he needed to detox, but then we would occasionally slip into contact again and it was getting to be too hard on me so I was very serious and I said that I needed absolute NC for at least a few months. Absolute NC, defriended on fB, no texting, no emails, no seeing each other at mutual friend parties, etc. Well, after 10 days he texted me something... not a direct question or anything, just that that it is too bad I won't be there this weekend to see a band that we both like. I was going to ignore it, but I felt bad b/c it seems mean. I know I can't move on if I continue talking to him, but I didn't want to be appear to be rude and blatantly ignore it; he knows I always look at my phone. So I waited a few hours and then I caved and responded.... and then he never wrote back. So I sent one more thing and he still didn't respond.... Was it a manipulative move on his part? Was he just trying to put me into this position so that I think of him and then he has the upper hand by ignoring me?
TaraMaiden Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Yes. Read the NC Guide (Updated 2013) link in my signature. it will tell you what to do, how to do it, and why. The remainder of the thread is a general lament by people who broke NC and lived to regret it.....
Author lollipop29 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 .Sigh.... I am so annoyed because I was doing a great job of NC and had finally started to move on. Now I can't stop thinking about him again, all because HE messed up and texted me and then ignored my response... 1
cavalier99 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 .Sigh.... I am so annoyed because I was doing a great job of NC and had finally started to move on. Now I can't stop thinking about him again, all because HE messed up and texted me and then ignored my response... I understand you being annoyed at him breaking NC. I got a nice email a while back for my ex that messed with my mind for a few weeks. I didn't respond. It isn't impolite not to respond..it is survival. Remember you control if you respond or not. It is on you. This behavior is expected. Don't give into it. Cav 1
Author lollipop29 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 I understand you being annoyed at him breaking NC. I got a nice email a while back for my ex that messed with my mind for a few weeks. I didn't respond. It isn't impolite not to respond..it is survival. Remember you control if you respond or not. It is on you. This behavior is expected. Don't give into it. Cav Thanks, I think that is something I keep forgetting. I get caught up in being too "nice" and caring about the other person's feelings... but clearly he does not care enough about mine. I will keep this advice in mind.
williamshakespeare Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 My Prediction: He will text you in a cupla weeks as he will want to see what the latest 'lay of the land' is. (Some call it tugging the string). He will expect you to respond. You won't! - Agreed? and guess what.......... You'll have your power back (and a minor ego boost) After that stay in NC mode Man, I hate these stupid psychological games - why are we humans so petty? We think we're advanced and mature and all that cr#p but we're really not. Anyway back to your situation - You Win - He Loses! So don't feel bad now - your day will come! 2
Author lollipop29 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 My Prediction: He will text you in a cupla weeks as he will want to see what the latest 'lay of the land' is. (Some call it tugging the string). He will expect you to respond. You won't! - Agreed? and guess what.......... You'll have your power back (and a minor ego boost) After that stay in NC mode Man, I hate these stupid psychological games - why are we humans so petty? We think we're advanced and mature and all that cr#p but we're really not. Anyway back to your situation - You Win - He Loses! So don't feel bad now - your day will come! Haha, thanks. I think you are right. The sad part is, I really don't WANT to play these games. Having the "upper hand" or having power again is not really something I desire. I'm just sad that he chose to play that game with me... and I don't understand his intentions
williamshakespeare Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 No one likes playing these games - but they get played nonetheless. People do it as either a defense mechanism (afraid of getting hurt) or an ego thing. Someone once said to me - you can't not play the game. I disagreed at the time but in a weird way he was right.
grace777 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 My Prediction: He will text you in a cupla weeks as he will want to see what the latest 'lay of the land' is. (Some call it tugging the string). He will expect you to respond. You won't! - Agreed? and guess what.......... You'll have your power back (and a minor ego boost) After that stay in NC mode Man, I hate these stupid psychological games - why are we humans so petty? We think we're advanced and mature and all that cr#p but we're really not. Anyway back to your situation - You Win - He Loses! So don't feel bad now - your day will come! This is 100% true! Dead on.
Author lollipop29 Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 Found this song today. The lyrics resonate with me a lot. Seems like it's about NC. I bet this time of night you're still up I bet you're tired from a long hard week I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window Looking out at the city And I bet sometimes you wonder about me And I just want to tell you It takes everything in me not to call you And I wish I could run to you And I hope you know that every time I don't I almost do, I almost do I bet you think I either moved on or hate you 'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you And risk another goodbye 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 (edited) Found this song today. The lyrics resonate with me a lot. Seems like it's about NC. I'd say you're right..... Curious.... they missed out the most important verse I hate to tell you but you're not 'all that' you think you can just come right on in An' mess with my head, tread on my heart... Well you don't have that right at all, you never did, you've got no hope..... Last Chorus: I bet you think I either moved on or hate you 'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply I bet it never ever occurred to you that each day that passes it gets much easier to kiss the past goodbye..... I love THAT song........ Edited February 6, 2013 by TaraMaiden 1
Author lollipop29 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 My Prediction: He will text you in a cupla weeks as he will want to see what the latest 'lay of the land' is. (Some call it tugging the string). He will expect you to respond. You won't! - Agreed? and guess what.......... You'll have your power back (and a minor ego boost) After that stay in NC mode Man, I hate these stupid psychological games - why are we humans so petty? We think we're advanced and mature and all that cr#p but we're really not. Anyway back to your situation - You Win - He Loses! So don't feel bad now - your day will come! Just wanted to update you...you were totally right. He texted me a few days later and claimed that he just now saw the text messages because he had "archived" our convo. Well, I know for a fact that new messages move the texts out of the archive on his phone. Hah. Thought about mentioning/calling him out but I figured, what's the point ? Just going to tell him that it's too soon and I can't talk.
cavalier99 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Hah. Thought about mentioning/calling him out but I figured, what's the point ? Just going to tell him that it's too soon and I can't talk. You are right what is the point....and more importantly... what is the point of responding. STAY NC. It isn't a game it is survival. To soon to talk or text is right. Maybe in a year. Disappear or you are asking to prolong your pain and prevent healing. Even simple innocuous texts back ..open a slippery slope. This is important to know. Cav 1
Author lollipop29 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 You are right what is the point....and more importantly... what is the point of responding. STAY NC. It isn't a game it is survival. To soon to talk or text is right. Maybe in a year. Disappear or you are asking to prolong your pain and prevent healing. Even simple innocuous texts back ..open a slippery slope. This is important to know. Cav Thanks. You're right. Maybe I won't even say that it's too soon then. He will know by my lack of response. I guess I just figured that if I don't respond, maybe he will keep texting me. But to respond will just open the door, as you mentioned.
cavalier99 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Thanks. You're right. Maybe I won't even say that it's too soon then. He will know by my lack of response. I guess I just figured that if I don't respond, maybe he will keep texting me. But to respond will just open the door, as you mentioned. I think early on after a BU we have a tendency to be sorta nice and forgiving and think maybe we should just respond to their nice text nicely. The fact of the matter is you ARE going to be angry soon at getting dumped and having your heart shattered and you are not going to view this communication from him in such a civil manner. Any response you give him nor like "it is too soon for me to talk" etcetera you will definitely regret it immediately after and even weeks after because it will make you feel weak. We lose our self esteem in the BU so it is important to get this back post BU. That is why i say if you break NC and respond. Respond with a "F*k Off never call me again. Good Bye" response rather than something nice. It is about getting your self esteem back .period. They don't matter now. Now the best option is just to stay NC. I'm just saying. F off is better than... it is too soon. Lol Cav 2
lovecutsrightthruu Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Lollipop, Please listen Cav - let your ex's text be the last. Don't respond! If you already have then don't respond to the next one he sends No need to be polite - you're in survival mode! 1
GingerVixen Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I had a mutual break up with someone b/c we had to. At first he said he needed to detox, but then we would occasionally slip into contact again and it was getting to be too hard on me so I was very serious and I said that I needed absolute NC for at least a few months. Absolute NC, defriended on fB, no texting, no emails, no seeing each other at mutual friend parties, etc. Well, after 10 days he texted me something... not a direct question or anything, just that that it is too bad I won't be there this weekend to see a band that we both like. I was going to ignore it, but I felt bad b/c it seems mean. I know I can't move on if I continue talking to him, but I didn't want to be appear to be rude and blatantly ignore it; he knows I always look at my phone. So I waited a few hours and then I caved and responded.... and then he never wrote back. So I sent one more thing and he still didn't respond.... Was it a manipulative move on his part? Was he just trying to put me into this position so that I think of him and then he has the upper hand by ignoring me? Yeah, maybe he's manipulating you , testing if you still miss him or if you're still available to do what he wants. Next time if he sends you a message, for example : "ooohhh I miss you , you should be here watching me play with my band", answer "I told you I want NC. Please respect it because otherwise I'll start to ignore your messages". 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 .....Next time if he sends you a message, for example : "ooohhh I miss you , you should be here watching me play with my band", answer "I told you I want NC. Please respect it because otherwise I'll start to ignore your messages". This is way too polite, considerate and conciliatory. The primary objective is to get the message across that you don't want to hear from him ever again. No Contact and not responding at all, would be ideal.... However, if you feel you MUST reply, even to simply drive it home, then short, sharp and to the point is best. And I would heartily recommend you do precisely what the No Contact Guide recommends: Q. My ex keeps texting me, and nothing seems to put them off. What do I do about this? A. First of all, delete their number and block it. Then the next time they text you, reply immediately - repeat, IMMEDIATELY - with this message: "Your message could not be delivered because the recipient has blocked this number" Do this every single time they try to text you. (Blocking/deleting numbers prevents calls, but doesn't always prevent texts.) Pretty soon, they should give up. But they might 'follow up'.... and IF a follow-up text appears (they might 'test the waters' just to see if they read it right, or made a mistake, or 'surely, this can't be right....') and again, reply at once, with exactly, precisely the same text. Make sure it is identical to the first. That's why I wrote it as I did. One capital letter, right at the beginning. No punctuation at all. Simple, easy to remember..... do that a couple of times. It will sink in. 1
Author lollipop29 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 OH MY GOSH. Well, y'all are going to kill me but i decided to respond and said that i am going to continue NC, not to be mean, but b/c it needs to happen and i hope he can understand/respect that. BUT! Before you start yelling at me (haha) it was actually a great decision, because he responded with something that really showed me his true colors and helped me realize what an ASS he is!!!! (Here's the thing. Neither of us is the dumper or dumpee in this situation. It is complicated. We are both trying to get over each other. But I really know that I needed NC to help give me clarity and clean up my life.) He said: 1. that it was the right thing for me to ignore him for a while, because it helped him move on and be healthy, because once i ignored him, it hit him that he has no control over all this. 2. He said that having no control over the outcome is what was so hard. and that he messaged me as an attempt to convince himself that he had some control in the situation and he had hoped that if he said the right thing i'd come back to him. 3. He said it was good that i ignored him because that is what allowed him to cope. 4. That he could deal with missing me, but it turns out that he just needs to accept fate and be at peace with it. He still misses me, but won't beat himself up anymore. 5. Now the fire for me has grown smaller, into embers. He said maybe one day we will be together, or maybe not. He said he is letting go. What sticks out to me is that he mentioned control a couple of times. I did not think he was about playing games, because we both had to break up and neither of us wanted that. We both still cared about each other. This makes me feel as if he NEVER cared about me, he just desired me. He just was attracted to me, and despite everything he said to make me believe that he cared deeply for me, I don't feel that that was true. The things mentioned above, make me feel like he liked chasing me. I know he thinks I'm beautiful and desirable, but I hate to think that was all that it was because I actually did care deeply for him. Oh well, he is not a nice person it seems. I didn't see him for what he really was until now.
GingerVixen Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Dear, I can't read his mind to say if he really loved you or not. All I can say is, it's ALWAYS matter of control when it comes to men. They want to control everything and everyone . Even when they LOVE a woman, they want to control that woman. In fact, they want to control her even more. Don't feel as if he doesn't care about you or anything. In fact I must say he was really honest to tell you he wanted to feel in control, at least he was brave to say it, most men are cowards and don't admit it. The major douche I used to know used to like my pictures on FB even after I split up with him only to see if I would talk to him or not. So you can see, men will always test you to see if you're still available to them. Just show them you're not and move on. 1
Author lollipop29 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 Dear, I can't read his mind to say if he really loved you or not. All I can say is, it's ALWAYS matter of control when it comes to men. They want to control everything and everyone . Even when they LOVE a woman, they want to control that woman. In fact, they want to control her even more. Don't feel as if he doesn't care about you or anything. In fact I must say he was really honest to tell you he wanted to feel in control, at least he was brave to say it, most men are cowards and don't admit it. The major douche I used to know used to like my pictures on FB even after I split up with him only to see if I would talk to him or not. So you can see, men will always test you to see if you're still available to them. Just show them you're not and move on. Thanks GivngerVixen. I think I needed to hear that. I was very disappointed to think that he didn't care about me at all. Clearly, he cares about himself more...but meh, of course he does. I still think he's kind of a jerk and I will still use this to help me move on. But it's nice to hear that maybe this doesn't mean he didn't care at all. 1
cavalier99 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I don't think he didn't care for you. I think you just got too much of a glimpse into his coping process post BU. That's all. What would they think of our process if they ever got a glimpse into our brains. Truly frightening. Lol 1
Author lollipop29 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 I don't think he didn't care for you. I think you just got too much of a glimpse into his coping process post BU. That's all. What would they think of our process of they ever got a glimpse into our brains. Truly frightening. Lol Haha, I guess he was thinking out loud. He always was the type to share his feelings... If someone looked into my mind during the coping process, it would seem like every few hours I am at a different point. Loved him yesterday. Hate him today, lol.
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