galt303 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 (edited) First of all, TaraMaiden, you nailed it. For all of those who think she's hard and cruel (or whatever), she is one smart cookie. Just because she doesn't tell you what you want to hear, it doesn't mean she isn't right. With all of the posts containing not so good news, I thought I'd share my latest developments. This NC was a little different as it was requested by my GF after she said she thought we should have some time apart (original thread - GF wants a "break" - what are my chances?). That said, NC is NC and can be one rough ride. We were supposed to get back in touch and set up a time to talk on 2/18. After struggling for 9+ days with me wanting to break NC and what was my worst night to date the evening prior, I was a full-blown mess yesterday and then...she emailed me. I can't describe the feeling I got when I saw it in my inbox - my heart jumped and sank simultaneously and, frankly, I wasn't sure if I even wanted to open it for fear of what it might say. Of course, I opened it almost immediately anyway. She acknowledged that she realizes we weren't supposed to talk until next week but she wasn't sure how I was feeling about things/us after our time apart and hoped we could get together and talk soon. It said a bit more as well with some standard pleasantries but was devoid of any "I missed you so much" or "I can't stop thinking about you" type stuff and didn't really seem like she was running back into my arms. On the other hand, it wasn't the straight to the point, no nonsense "we need to talk" message either. I was coincidentally having lunch with two good friends in my support system and we sat and over-thought it for a while before I responded a couple of hours later with a fairly brief but friendly email saying that I could make time that evening and hoped she was doing well. We set a time and she offered to cook dinner. - seems like a good start and we have what I thought was a nice little email banter until she sends back a curt "You do realize we need to have a talk tonight, right? This isn't all fun and games - I'm dead serious." email. Worry set back in. I arrived, she opened the door with a big smile, we hugged, we kissed, we cooked, we talked, we ate, we talked more, we cuddled on the couch (damn, I missed doing that), we kissed more, and she said a lot of things that really made me feel good about her, about me, and about us. She was very sincere and thoughtful. She missed me, thought about me a lot, and didn't want to lose me. Clearly, I feel the same toward her. She was actually worried I was going to break up with her because of her situation and that the conversation was basically going to entail her trying to convince me to not give up on her. Strange that both of us went into last night thinking we were going to get dumped - I guess that speaks to how difficult it can be to correctly interpret texts and emails... In the end, although she is still feeling confused about her situation, we decided to try and figure out how we could make sure she has the space she needs to deal with her issues and also not lose each other. She even offered to give me the freedom to date others while she works things out with the hopes that I would still want to be with her when it's all said and done but, of course, that's the last thing I want to do - very considerate and mature of her to offer, though. I realize that we are, by no means, in the clear and set to ride off into the sunset together but, I have to say, I feel really good about things right now. Even if the time apart didn't help her with her issues (it was only about 10 days and she just started therapy so I wouldn't really expect it to help much), it did give her clarity as to how she feels about me and our relationship, and it most certainly confirmed and cemented the way I feel about her. I really want to extend some thanks to Meeji and Babolat for sharing their thoughts, experiences, and opinions and a very, very earnest and sincere thank-you to TaraMaiden for her dead-on assessment of the situation and spot-on advice (yes Tara, even though I thought I was going to get dumped, I brought her a bunch of flowers - nice flowers, not those from the gas station ). There were also a couple of "negative nellies" who chimed in but I guess I needed to hear from them as well. Bottom line - you all were a huge part of keeping me from devolving into a needy, whining, annoying mess who ended up pushing away the girl of my dreams by making her feel smothered for not respecting her wish for NC. THANK YOU!!!!!!!! Yes, NC sucks but, man, am I ever glad that I didn't cave and break it. Chances are if I did break it, I'd now be looking back in regret and thinking about how things might have been if I had stayed strong and not f'd up... Edited February 13, 2013 by galt303 Sorry - bad hyperlink...
Author galt303 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Link to old post fixed - sorry...
cavalier99 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 (edited) Umm so after all that she thinks you should date other people while she figures stuff out? What is she figuring out exactly? Sounds like she is figuring out how to leave you with the least amount of pain for her. And she cuts you lose to bang other girls? She doesn't sound to committed to this reconciliation at all. What a crock of sh*t that she doesn't want to lose you as she opens the door to show you out. This is all for her benefit and you are looking at a world of hurt around the corner. Just my opinion. Cav Edited February 13, 2013 by cavalier99 2
Jono85 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 In the end, although she is still feeling confused about her situation, we decided to try and figure out how we could make sure she has the space she needs to deal with her issues and also not lose each other. She even offered to give me the freedom to date others while she works things out with the hopes that I would still want to be with her when it's all said and done but, of course, that's the last thing I want to do - very considerate and mature of her to offer, though. i'm sorry but you totally misinterpreted this situation... these are terrible signs still. you should've stayed NC. you in fact did the wrong thing here if you're trying to praise NC. 1
Author galt303 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 I appreciate your feedback but I just want to make sure that you've read the original post (and Tara's advice) before passing judgment on the latest happenings... GF wants a "break" - what are my chances?
Author galt303 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 PS - I'm not saying you may not be correct. I fully understand that this may go south faster than Scott Peterson but this is sort of a different situation (I know, everyone thinks that). And, she doesn't want me to go bang other chicks but, rather, is trying to be fair to me and not keep me tied down if I can't handle it while she works through her shizzle... Sorry for not being more clear about certain aspects but I don't want to repeat a bunch of stuff from the first post. If you've already read it and still feel this way, so be it.
cavalier99 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 (edited) Hmmm. I just read it. Well I'm not saying there cant be exceptions. But the facts remains the same. I mean how much time does she need? Cant you still be together and just give her space and support her in this time. I still don't get it. Smells super fishy to me. And opening the door for you to date other people doesn't bode well even if said in a i understand way. In spite of the respectful way she seems to be going about it still seems like a BU to me. Id treat it as suck and go NC. If she comes back great otherwise move on. Edited February 13, 2013 by cavalier99
Author galt303 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 And yes, in this case and for my situation, I am praising NC because it did exactly what it was supposed to - give us both (mostly her) clarity on how we felt about each other. There are different types of NC, including but not limited to: the kind to help get over it and move on, and the kind to just give you time to think. Ours was the latter and......... It worked and served its intended purpose.
cavalier99 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I understand how you feel. But what does she need now. Another 2 weeks? A month? I mean she had some down time. Is she in or out and when? At the end of the day it is still you getting strung along. What is the reason she cant go thru this with you at her side. Feelings for her ex. No feelins? What is so tough that a supporting boyfriend wont make it easier? My guess is it is indecision as to whether she want to be with you or anyone period. So she may need time but are you ok with this?
Author galt303 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Hmmm. I just read it. Well I'm not saying there cant be exceptions. But the facts remains the same. I mean how much time does she need? Cant you still be together and just give her space and support her in this time. I still don't get it. Smells super fishy to me. And opening the door for you to date other people doesn't bode well even if said in a i understand way. In spite of the respectful way she seems to be going about it still seems like a BU to me. Id treat it as suck and go NC. If she comes back great otherwise move on. Hi Cav, Yes, we can still be together during this time. That is what I wrote in the recent post as our final decision -we are working to find a way to make that happen as neither wants to lose the other. I only included the part about her opening the door for me to illustrate that she understands that this may be tough on me and she wants to be fair to me and, as Tara put it, not put me in a position to potentially be her whipping post as she works through her issues. To be clear - she does not want me to with other women nor is she encouraging me to be with other women. She's just letting me know I have a choice here - stay in it with her and ride the potential storm, or go about my merry way and hopefully I'll still want to be with her when the storm passes.
Jono85 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 i haven't read your other thread, but no girl who's in love with her boyfriend, or who doesn't want to lose him, would EVER be okay with him dating other people. EVER. the fact that she suggested it, b/c she felt bad, or to be fair, whatever, is an awful sign. you need to treat this like a normal breakup and cut her off.
Author galt303 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 I understand how you feel. But what does she need now. Another 2 weeks? A month? I mean she had some down time. Is she in or out and when? At the end of the day it is still you getting strung along. What is the reason she cant go thru this with you at her side. Feelings for her ex. No feelins? What is so tough that a supporting boyfriend wont make it easier? My guess is it is indecision as to whether she want to be with you or anyone period. So she may need time but are you ok with this? We're not talking about more time apart or another, longer "break" - just scaling back the time we spend together to make sure she has whatever time she needs but still being "together" and in regular contact - just not seeing each other 5-7 nights a week.
Author galt303 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 i haven't read your other thread, but no girl who's in love with her boyfriend, or who doesn't want to lose him, would EVER be okay with him dating other people. EVER. the fact that she suggested it, b/c she felt bad, or to be fair, whatever, is an awful sign. you need to treat this like a normal breakup and cut her off. Again, I appreciate your thoughts but please read the other post before assuming that boilerplate answers are appropriate. Otherwise, there are lots of other posts out there and there's no point in wasting your time on this one.
Author galt303 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 My guess is it is indecision as to whether she want to be with you or anyone period. So she may need time but are you ok with this? And that, my friend, is the crux of the situation. Worst case scenario here is that, regardless of her feelings for me, she may not feel she is able to be with anyone at all right now.
cavalier99 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Hi Cav, Yes, we can still be together during this time. That is what I wrote in the recent post as our final decision -we are working to find a way to make that happen as neither wants to lose the other. I only included the part about her opening the door for me to illustrate that she understands that this may be tough on me and she wants to be fair to me and, as Tara put it, not put me in a position to potentially be her whipping post as she works through her issues. To be clear - she does not want me to with other women nor is she encouraging me to be with other women. She's just letting me know I have a choice here - stay in it with her and ride the potential storm, or go about my merry way and hopefully I'll still want to be with her when the storm passes. Well that is awesome. If you guys are still official and the benefits of being official are there great. And she just want your to support and understanding and occasionally giving her down time with minimal pressure cool. Just make sure that you really are in a relationship and it isn't imaginary. One knows when you are in a relationship. It means you can see her..maybe not every day but often, she wants to see you, you do things together, you have sex, you support each other ecetera.
Author galt303 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Hmmm. I just read it. Well I'm not saying there cant be exceptions. But the facts remains the same. I mean how much time does she need? Cant you still be together and just give her space and support her in this time. I still don't get it. Smells super fishy to me. And opening the door for you to date other people doesn't bode well even if said in a i understand way. In spite of the respectful way she seems to be going about it still seems like a BU to me. Id treat it as suck and go NC. If she comes back great otherwise move on. PS - thank you, Cav, for actually reading it and taking all of the details into account.
Jono85 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Again, I appreciate your thoughts but please read the other post before assuming that boilerplate answers are appropriate. Otherwise, there are lots of other posts out there and there's no point in wasting your time on this one. read it, still feel the exact same. sorry man. i'm not saying it's over. i'm saying it's a terrible sign. i'd also be treating it like a breakup, not a break. but all the best and hope it works out.
cavalier99 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 (edited) PS - thank you, Cav, for actually reading it and taking all of the details into account. No prob. I hope it works out. Like i said. Just make sure it really feels like a relationship. It may not be 5-7 night a week but it better be at least a few. And those few should feel right. You know what it feels like when a girl wants to be with you etcetera. Just monitor closely. If she starts to blow you off all the time it is obviously BAD. In fact she should be calling you sometimes asking about you coming over ecetera. If she doesn't want one night SHE should be offering up immediate alternative ecetera. I mean it is cool that you give her some space but she better be giving some of what you need also. It is a 2 way street and she needs to make an effort for you also. So make your needs known and what you are willing to accept. Good luck! Edited February 13, 2013 by cavalier99 1
Author galt303 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 read it, still feel the exact same. sorry man. i'm not saying it's over. i'm saying it's a terrible sign. i'd also be treating it like a breakup, not a break. but all the best and hope it works out. Hi Jono - thanks for reading it and for the feedback. For starters, though, the break is over and we confirmed last night that we are still together and want to do what we can to move forward together. Aside form that, I can totally understand why you hold that opinion. The last thing I would ever do is make that offer of the open door to the woman I cared about and wanted in my life - the thought of her with someone else would kill me. There are, however, actually people out there who want those about whom they care to be happy, fulfilled, and cared for in return regardless of how it affects the former - prior to all this hoopla, she gave me a lot of reason to believe she is, indeed, one of those people which is one of the reasons I'm willing to put up with all of this.
Author galt303 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 No prob. I hope it works out. Like i said. Just make sure it really feels like a relationship. It may not be 5-7 night a week but it better be at least a few. And those few should feel right. You know what it feels like when a girl wants to be with you etcetera. Just monitor closely. If she starts to blow you off all the time it is obviously BAD. In fact she should be calling you sometimes asking about you coming over ecetera. If she doesn't want one night SHE should be offering up immediate alternative ecetera. I mean it is cool that you give her some space but she better be giving some of what you need also. It is a 2 way street and she needs to make an effort for you also. So make your needs known and what you are willing to accept. Good luck! Cav, I'm really glad we made it through the initial posts and on to this one. Priceless advice, thank you. In fact, her main concern right now regarding moving forward is that I might not be too happy/satisfied with her attempts at and capabilities for paving her side of the two-way street during all of this so you are definitely pinpointing one of the primary issues. I definitely still need to protect my heart and look out for myself during this whole thing.
Coping Vortex Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Dude it's a look back that's all. Been three times with my ex. You wait and see. I would insist she make a decision right now see what she says. She could be having a rough patch with the new guy. It's her little way of getting back at him in her mind. Hate to be negative trust me I have gotten excited so many times. It just doesn't happen.
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