GF wants a "break" - what are my chances?

[galt303]

I'm hurting pretty badly over this and very confused. We've only been dating for three months but it was very apparent from the beginning that this is a very good fit. We click on every level more than I've ever seen in any of my past relationships. Emotionally, physically, intellectually, mutual interests, opinions, and humor - everything seems like it's in place. We have never fought about anything and I was literally on cloud 9 until five days ago when she said she thinks it's a good idea for us to spend some time apart.

 

We are both divorced but she just hit her one year mark vs. my divorce five years ago. I wanted my divorce, she did not want hers. She says she is still dealing with pain, anger, frustration, etc. from her divorce and that she's afraid that this is stopping her from letting our relationship progress. She says that she sometimes feels very deeply for me and other times feels like she is blocking feelings out and just feels numb. Sometimes she can see a great future for us and other times talks herself out of it.

 

She says that she knows this will be hard and that she misses me already but that she's also sad, confused, and needs time to assess where she is and why she feels the way she does. She said that she's been internally dealing with a lot of anger and trust issues that she hasn't shared with me and that it's gotten worse over the last month. She said I didn't do anything wrong at all and that I have been "great." She has already made arrangements for counseling and said she wishes she would have done that a long time ago.

 

I told her that I completely understand and want her to do what she needs to do, but that I don't want to lose her. She was emphatic that this was not a break up, just a break. She proposed a date a little more than two weeks from now to get together and, until that time, we agreed to not be in contact in any way, shape, or form. Of course, I will be as adult as possible about this and respect her wishes.

 

Also, she made it clear that she doesn't think I should see other people during this time. I'm not sure if that should give me hope that she really does want to keep our relationship intact or if it should make me feel like a sucker for holding on to hope and prolonging the inevitable. FWIW, I have zero interest in dating anyhow.

 

I'm trying to assess this rationally and, unfortunately, all that keeps coming back to me is that if she really wanted to be with me, she wouldn't want or need a break. That said, everything she is saying makes sense and I truly don't believe she is a game-player.

 

So, what are our chances? What are my chances? Am I holding out hope like a sucker and on my way to heartbreak or are "breaks" ever not actually the beginning of the end? Thanks in advance for reading, I know this is a long post...

Edited February 3, 2013 by galt303

[meeji]

It seems to me like she cares about your or she wouldn't be so open about what she is feeling. Give her some time.

[TaraMaiden]

well, I confess, I was about to wade in...

 

"There's no such thing as a break! What are you supposed to do, twiddle your thumbs and wait?? they give no time limit, they don't stipulate exclusivity or no dating, they don't...."

 

But hang on a minute.

 

She did all of the above.

 

She's actually been very sensible.

 

Look - She's been honest with you. She had a painful, traumatic and emotionally distressing divorce, and healing takes different people, different times.

 

But this sounds genuine, and no matter how much you love her, or feel that she shouldn't need a break - she needs to just evaluate her feelings.

She's going to counselling and admits she should have done so a long time ago.

 

She's a bright girl. At least she's making effort to repair the damage.

 

see if you can ride it out, and be patient.

 

Give her the break she's asked for, and go easy on her.

If you can respect this - she will respect you.

 

I predict that if you respect her wish for distance and silence - she may well capitulate before the 2 weeks are up.

 

When you see her again, take her flowers.

Nice flowers, not those from a gas station.....

 

Hang in there.

Good Luck......

[galt303]

Thanks meeji and TaraMaiden. When 99.9% of my Google searches on "she wants a break" seem to reveal responses along the lines of "it's over, move on" and "break = break-up", it's easy to lose hope as well as lose sight of the potential long-term benefits of this time apart. I can't tell you how great it was to wake up this morning and see a couple of thoughtful, encouraging responses.

 

Of course, I understand that the worst-case scenario is still a very real possibility and that scares the hell out of me. I've been an absolute wreck since this all went down and I am having a really tough time. I thought it would get easier with a little time but each day seems worse than the last. Every morning, I wake up and have about five seconds of peace before it all comes rushing back to me and I slip back into my deep funk. I wish I knew how to just put this out of my mind and simply live my life until this is over (one way or another).

 

Anyhow, thank you. My close friends are giving me the same advice but part of me feels that they were just trying to keep me positive because they care about me. It's good to hear similar encouragement from people who don't have a vested interest in my happiness.

[TaraMaiden]

...And as i implied, normally, I would agree that 'there's no such thing as a break' because all too often, those who need space never specify a time limit (she has) never ask for conditions to be considered (she has) and never consider counselling, because they don't figure they 'need fixing' (She has, and feels she does....)

 

Let me tell you in terms of wanting a break, she's an unusual cookie. Ticked all the boxes, she has....

 

I think also, even though it may not seem that way right now, perhaps she's also trying to be fair to you:

 

"I have some crap to deal with. it's not fair on you that you become embroiled in it, or sit on the sidelines and have to endure my going through a whole gamut of emotions while I try to un~knot my mind."

 

Remember that an awful lot of relationships end up being luke-warm, dysfunctional or just plain insane, because some partners are expected to be counsellors, therapists, 100% supportive and understanding, whipping posts or major/.primary support systems.

 

All of which they probably never 'signed up for' in the beginning....

 

She's absolved you from that duty - no matter how willing you might feel you are - she doesn't want to bind you with that, either.

 

Hang in there fellah.... we're always here for you.

[Chi townD]

Also, she made it clear that she doesn't think I should see other people during this time. I'm not sure if that should give me hope that she really does want to keep our relationship intact or if it should make me feel like a sucker for holding on to hope and prolonging the inevitable. FWIW, I have zero interest in dating anyhow.

 

 

Huh...funny that she states that she doesn't think that YOU should date other people rather than WE shouldn't date other people.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, of course, well, I suppose you could read it that way... or you could look at it in the way that she's fearful he might meet someone else and leave her and she doesn't want to lose him.

 

She has no intention of seeing anyone else. She's stipulated 2 weeks. That's hardly time to 'go get some' and let her hair down and 'find herself'. besides, if she's also going to counselling, then that would be a major conflict with having someone else on the side - and yet again, little time to spare.

 

She's gone about this in an entirely different way to the majority of people who declare they 'want a break' so her suggesting he doesn't date elsewhere, I think, is a genuine attempt to preserve the relationship - and not a double-standards display.

 

Honestly Chi-TownD. Talk about being a pooper.....

[galt303]

Huh...funny that she states that she doesn't think that YOU should date other people rather than WE shouldn't date other people.

 

Well, perhaps I'm just being naive about this but I think she would have told me if she planned on dating during this time and, if that was the case, she would have told me I should do the same.

 

To paraphrase that particular part of the conversation, I asked her what I should be doing during this time apart and she answered: If you're asking if you should be dating, NO.

 

Given her state of mind, I see no reason to assume that she is not taking this time to do exactly what she said she was going to do. I'm not insecure about her commitment to our relationship, just worried that she may decide that she can't even be in a relationship now...

[Chi townD]

Yes, of course, well, I suppose you could read it that way... or you could look at it in the way that she's fearful he might meet someone else and leave her and she doesn't want to lose him.

 

She has no intention of seeing anyone else. She's stipulated 2 weeks. That's hardly time to 'go get some' and let her hair down and 'find herself'. besides, if she's also going to counselling, then that would be a major conflict with having someone else on the side - and yet again, little time to spare.

 

She's gone about this in an entirely different way to the majority of people who declare they 'want a break' so her suggesting he doesn't date elsewhere, I think, is a genuine attempt to preserve the relationship - and not a double-standards display.

 

Honestly Chi-TownD. Talk about being a pooper.....

 

YEP! I'm a Negative Nellie!

 

I just don't see the purpose of taking a break for two weeks. That's just stupid. If it's only two weeks, the why break at all? Just work out your problems together! So, I gotta think outside the box. And unfortunately thinking outside the box on an unusual situation puts me on the defensive immediately.

[xpaperxcutx]

A break is half of a break-up minus the word " up". I think it's fairly safe to say, she has a little bit of GIGS and is looking for what else is out there rather than what's in front of her.

 

The best course of action for you is that you should let her go but your terms would be that you would be giving her space but you wouldn't be contacting her until she can make up her mind.

 

If her terms were for you to not date other people, would the same terms apply to her?

 

If this is an issue that only she can solve on her own, then she needs to leave you alone. The worst thing that can happen is that you still talk to her and later on find out she's dating someone else.

 

This situation is black and white and it doesn't need anymore grey areas to complicate matters. If she wants a break she should very well maintain NC until she can decides what she wants; but on no term are you to contact her.

 

A relationship takes two, and a " break" is just a selfish matter where she wants to have a backup plan just in case. Do yourself a good favor and tell her "I respect your wishes and I hope you work through your problems but I cannot be here for you until you resolved your issues. As you can see, I would very much love to help you through this but you're the one proposing this " break" therefore, it's necessary that you work on it by yourself".

[TaraMaiden]

YOU don't have to see the purpose. For that matter, neither did the OP, truth be told.

 

But she sees it. And at least she's given him a cut-off date and reassurance as to her motive.

 

But look at what she's doiung, and why:

 

She's going to counselling due to the trauma and distress of having reached the anniversary of here divorce - and she's experiencing

"pain, anger, frustration"

as a result.

 

And maybe she actually has the honesty and integrity of not wanting him to be the buffer, sounding board and butt of her fall-out.

 

I do happen to know quite a few people who withdraw, become uncommunicative, or actually become total grumps and grouches if their emotional swing-o-meter swings into "I feel like schytt right now" territory.... My H. is one of them. I just have to let the storm pass and let him come round in his own time - but he's not a nice chap to live with, when he's like that....

 

So maybe the 'time out' is for a good cause rather than a sinister one.....?

[Babolat]

I have been thru 2 very short breaks with my current GF. In both cases we just needed time a part, to let the issue at hand calm down so we could think clearly.

 

We set a time on the break and made sure we talked at that time. In both cases, it worked out well and we are still dating.

[TaraMaiden]

A break is half of a break-up minus the word " up". I think it's fairly safe to say, she has a little bit of GIGS and is looking for what else is out there rather than what's in front of her.

 

The best course of action for you is that you should let her go but your terms would be that you would be giving her space but you wouldn't be contacting her until she can make up her mind.

 

If her terms were for you to not date other people, would the same terms apply to her?

 

If this is an issue that only she can solve on her own, then she needs to leave you alone. The worst thing that can happen is that you still talk to her and later on find out she's dating someone else.

 

This situation is black and white and it doesn't need anymore grey areas to complicate matters. If she wants a break she should very well maintain NC until she can decides what she wants; but on no term are you to contact her.

 

A relationship takes two, and a " break" is just a selfish matter where she wants to have a backup plan just in case. Do yourself a good favor and tell her "I respect your wishes and I hope you work through your problems but I cannot be here for you until you resolved your issues. As you can see, I would very much love to help you through this but you're the one proposing this " break" therefore, it's necessary that you work on it by yourself".

 

Have you actually read the first post?

 

I don't get how you can come in with the standard pat response, when this isn't the standard pat 'break'....

[galt303]

She's gone about this in an entirely different way to the majority of people who declare they 'want a break' so her suggesting he doesn't date elsewhere, I think, is a genuine attempt to preserve the relationship - and not a double-standards display.

 

Yes, as you've suggested a couple of times, she seems to have went about this in a very thoughtful way. I'm assuming she sought advice from friends, family, the Google machine, and maybe even her new counselor on how best to approach this.

 

I did some Googling myself and she seems to have covered all the bases in terms of what various sources say are essential to a "successful" break. I've even seen a couple of articles suggesting two weeks as the perfect time to sort out feelings as it is long enough to see if you're happier without them than with them but not so long that memories start fading and you've already, just due to the amount of time, started moving on.

[galt303]

I think it's fairly safe to say, she has a little bit of GIGS and is looking for what else is out there rather than what's in front of her.

 

I'm not sure what GIGS means...

[TaraMaiden]

Grass Is Greener Syndrome - in other words, she's seen something else 'over the fence' which looks preferable to the lawn she's watering at the moment.

Personally, I don't believe a word of it.

[galt303]

I have been thru 2 very short breaks with my current GF. In both cases we just needed time a part, to let the issue at hand calm down so we could think clearly.

 

We set a time on the break and made sure we talked at that time. In both cases, it worked out well and we are still dating.

 

Thank you for sharing. If you don't mind me asking, roughly how long were your breaks and did they "look" similar in nature to how this is stacking up?

[galt303]

Grass Is Greener Syndrome - in other words, she's seen something else 'over the fence' which looks preferable to the lawn she's watering at the moment.

Personally, I don't believe a word of it.

 

Ah, thank you. FWIW, I don't believe that is the case either. She's never been anything but honest with me (even when it's not what I want to hear) and if she's going through internal turmoil over relationships in general, I doubt she would seek out more of the same.

[Babolat]

Thank you for sharing. If you don't mind me asking, roughly how long were your breaks and did they "look" similar in nature to how this is stacking up?

 

First break we did not define a time, and I assumed the relationship was over even though she said she would defintiely be in touch with me. 3 weeks later she contacted me, we talked a lot, started dating again. She said after one week she was ready to contact me but wanted to take more time to be sure.

 

The most recent one was 4 days, and we agreed to 4 days. It was a mutal "take a break" this time. It was mostly to let both of us think, remove ourselves from the emtion if you will. We got back together, talked, and are doing better.

[Babolat]

Ah, thank you. FWIW, I don't believe that is the case either. She's never been anything but honest with me (even when it's not what I want to hear) and if she's going through internal turmoil over relationships in general, I doubt she would seek out more of the same.

 

I think you have a good one here; reminds me a lot of my GF.

[galt303]

I think you have a good one here; reminds me a lot of my GF.

 

Thanks! I really feel that's that case as well but I am still scared as hell that she's going to come out of this on the other side feeling like she can't be in a relationship at all right now. I'm driving my self crazy thinking about everything and I'm consumed with thoughts of her, wondering what she's doing, how she's doing, what she's thinking. I have no desire to eat, sleep is tough, and I feel like it's affecting my work.

 

I've struggled with breaking the NC to just send her an email letting her know that I'm thinking of her and hope she's doing well but I know that is a horrible idea. I'm sure these are not unique feelings but, man, this is rough...

 

What worked best for you in terms of surviving the time apart with absolutely no contact whatsoever?

[galt303]

OK - really struggling with NC but every time I'm on the edge, I call a friend who talks me down. I figured a quick post here might do the same.

 

I just keep feeling like sending a short email along the lines of:

 

"I'm not expecting a response but I just wanted to say that I hope you're doing well with everything you're dealing with..."

 

I don't want to start a dialogue with her or tell her how hard this is for me or how much I miss her, I just want her to know that I care and hope she's ok and it SUX that, right now, the only way I can do that is to continue suffering through NC.

 

Help, please (if that's even possible)...

[TaraMaiden]

That's what's known in professional circles as 'creepy desperation'.

 

I'm kidding about the professional circles.

 

I'm NOT kidding about the 'creepy desperation'.

 

You really do not want to come over as a weedy sap, and give her any cause to think you're needy.

 

You need to retain your composure, hold on to your integrity and behave with dignity.

 

Hang in there.

[galt303]

Thanks Tara. I know what you say is true. I'm just all over the place in my head which I'm desperately trying to keep above water.

[TaraMaiden]

People think I don't sympathise/understand.

 

But honest, I do.

 

Hugs, be strong.

It pays off in the end.....