what do i do now??

[ashleigh]

hi, i was looking through past messages to see if my situation relates and get some advice. i found one sort of similar on the board, but my circumstances are still a bit different. well, it hasn't tunred out as bad anyway. i too have a boyfreind who isn't too fond of some things i did before we met (what is it with guys and chicks having sexual experiences b4 they met them?). he's always disliked knowing what i did b4 i met him (i had a few 1 night stands), although i don't really know why because it wasnt anything out of hte ordinary for most people and he isnt perfect himself (although he hasnt slept with as many people as me - me 6). anyway, he has always been so great to me and we've never had a fight but he, like the other person's message (i hope where not shareing the same boyfriend!) used to work himslef up about it and wouldnt talk about it. we broke up about a month ago because he doesn't want to pressure me by bringing what i did b4 we met because he thinks its slack on me and hes being an idiot when he knows hes silly to think about it, but still does. he hasn't judged me for it like the other girls boyfriend, i just think he finds it a bit hard to see me doing that sort of tihng, because making love means evertything to me, not casual sex. i don't know. anyway, heres the story now: a month after we split up, he writes me a letter telling me how much he loves me and that he always will and he feels empty without me. he tells me how he thinks i am the most beautiful person, that he is gutless for breaking it off with me because it was easier to run from his problems. he also siad he is missing out on teh best girlfriend ever and he is hurting bad, but hes willing to stick out these feelings to get over me. he's started to see another girl to try and get over me, but he said it's not working. he's just trying to cope somehow. he thinks being with her will supress his feelings for me and that she has nothing on me, i'm so much better. he hasnt slept with her yet because he keeps thinking about us making love and wonders if he will ever have anything like that again, maybe someday but not for a long time he said. he says hes sorry he could never get past the past but it is a design flaw which he needs to address. he said he is hurting as much as me and he dreamt about me last night and it hurt when he woke up. he wants us to be friends because it would mean a lot to him.

 

my problem now is this: if he loves me so much, why is breaking up the best thing for both of us?? why does he want to get over me so badly?i've always believed that love can get you through anyhting if you really love that person. we were together for 13 months. i feel ddeep down that if he was with me longer, he'd see more of the things about me he loves so much and he'd come to terms with this. you know, you get a little bit more mature about your feelings as time goes on. im heartbroken hes jumped to someone else just to try and get over me. it really hurts badly.

 

i don't know what to do because i can't be his friend if he's with someone else because it would be far too painful for me. and if i was his friend, i feel that every time i look at him, i'd just want to hold him and be with him. he knows we had something beautiful together and i will always want that back. i think what i want more than anything is for him to not worry about what i did once upon a time. i want him back so badly we are so magical together, everyone tells us that. he said he doesn't care about anything except me.

 

i am so confused and i miss him terribly and i don't know what to do. i love him so much amd i am hurting like you wouldnt believe from losing such an amazing person. i too feel empty. empty and confused.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "he hasnt slept with her yet because he keeps thinking about us making love and wonders if he will ever have anything like that again,"

 

If the two of you made such wonderful love, how could he have done so and also had a problem with who you may have been with before him. If your lovemaking was so great, this does not indicate a problem.

 

Either your guy is the biggest fruitcake (crazy person) that ever roamed the planet or he's giving you a big line of crap with this head stuff about not being able to deal with your past sex experiences.

 

99.9999999 percent of the people in serious relationships have had prior sexual experiences of some kind, even if only with themselves. Why in heavens name do people have to give details of their past sex lives to new partners??? That in itself is crazy. That is YOUR personal business and none of anybody elses, including your ex's. So a lot of this is your responsibility for even discussing your personal sex life with this guy, whether he asked or not.

 

I think he's giving you a line of bunk (crap) myself. So he is either looking to find a girl who has never had previous sexual experiences or he needs to find one that won't discuss them so he can't think about them. Either way, it sounds like that eliminates you.

 

This guy is absolutely crazy. By obsessing about your past and letting that stand in the way of his relationship with you, he is making rash and inappropriate judgements about you.

 

I just don't buy this whole thing. I think he is not being forthright and sincere. You just don't walk away from such a great love like this. The guy needs help from some highly competent mental health counsellors. He may even need to be institutionalized.

 

Out of all of this, I hope you have learned to zip your lips about your past sex life. If a guy asks about that, tell him that's information is personal. If he presses you further, tell him to take you home!!!

[Deejette]

It is not love to hold someone's past experience against them. That cannot be changed and what counts is the present moment with the loved one and how they behave now. It is unreasonable for this guy to demand that any lady in his life have no prior experience. He sounds so insecure and sick, I don't know how you could say that the love was so great between you.

 

He must be worried that you might be comparing him to someone who is better in bed than he is. Or, if he thinks you are a slut because you made love in the past, he may have rigid moral codes that would translate into harsh judgments about other aspects of your life too.

 

Even if you were a street-corner prostitute in the past, a person who claims love would look past that and see what and who you are now, and that you are not repeating past behavior.

 

Now he is pulling another number on this new girl by saying he can't make love to her because it would never be the same as the great lovemaking that you two shared. These kinds of head games are the opposite of the open-hearted forgiveness and warmth that is expressed in true love, instead of the conditional, "I'll love you only if you have no past, and since you do and you can't erase it, let's call it quits."

YOU WRITE: "he hasnt slept with her yet because he keeps thinking about us making love and wonders if he will ever have anything like that again," If the two of you made such wonderful love, how could he have done so and also had a problem with who you may have been with before him. If your lovemaking was so great, this does not indicate a problem. Either your guy is the biggest fruitcake (crazy person) that ever roamed the planet or he's giving you a big line of crap with this head stuff about not being able to deal with your past sex experiences. 99.9999999 percent of the people in serious relationships have had prior sexual experiences of some kind, even if only with themselves. Why in heavens name do people have to give details of their past sex lives to new partners??? That in itself is crazy. That is YOUR personal business and none of anybody elses, including your ex's. So a lot of this is your responsibility for even discussing your personal sex life with this guy, whether he asked or not. I think he's giving you a line of bunk (crap) myself. So he is either looking to find a girl who has never had previous sexual experiences or he needs to find one that won't discuss them so he can't think about them. Either way, it sounds like that eliminates you. This guy is absolutely crazy. By obsessing about your past and letting that stand in the way of his relationship with you, he is making rash and inappropriate judgements about you. I just don't buy this whole thing. I think he is not being forthright and sincere. You just don't walk away from such a great love like this. The guy needs help from some highly competent mental health counsellors. He may even need to be institutionalized. Out of all of this, I hope you have learned to zip your lips about your past sex life. If a guy asks about that, tell him that's information is personal. If he presses you further, tell him to take you home!!!

[jackie]

Okay, my boyfriend of 4 years was exactly like this. He couldnt be with me because I wasnt a virgin. We fought so much about this issue and broke up so many times over it - it made me crazy.

 

I admit, he is crazy - and I am now crazy for staying with him - but it all worked out in the end. We are still together now - he got over that virgin stuff, but it comes back to haunt us every now and then !

 

Just let your "boyfriend" go, he will eventually make up his mind on what he wants to do - and then at that time - if you still want to be with him be prepared for some tough times !!

[ashleigh]

that's what's really eating me up right now. my gut keeps telling me that in time he will deal with it. i mean, he is the only person that i love, think about and want to share myself with. can't they get that through their heads? even if i was a virgin, i would still have all the same character traits as i do now - honest (maybe a bit too honest), loyal, faithful, sense of humour etc. isn't that what counts? they could go out and find a virgin and she could be an outright, lying bitch who wants to see what else is out there. can you tell me how you've helped your boyfriend to see the light? i really feel at a loss. i'm just one of these people that won't give up that easily. and i feel he's giving up that easily. i just can't give up until i feel satisfied it's been given a shot (even if it doesn't work out oneday).

 

thanks jackie.

Okay, my boyfriend of 4 years was exactly like this. He couldnt be with me because I wasnt a virgin. We fought so much about this issue and broke up so many times over it - it made me crazy.

 

I admit, he is crazy - and I am now crazy for staying with him - but it all worked out in the end. We are still together now - he got over that virgin stuff, but it comes back to haunt us every now and then ! Just let your "boyfriend" go, he will eventually make up his mind on what he wants to do - and then at that time - if you still want to be with him be prepared for some tough times !!

[Nic]

some men, hey? all i can say is that hopefully for your sake, he will realise that by not being with you he's made a huge mistake and that will put all his ridiculous thoughts out of his mind. you know what they say, you never really know what you had until you lose it. and if he knows exactly how you feel about him, he should have nothing to feel insecure about. my past partners are about as significant as my 45th day in junior school. what is of is significance is who i am now, and who i'm with now. i hope he realises he's making a mountain out of a molehill soon and that to expect someone to not have a past is totally unrealistic.

hi, i was looking through past messages to see if my situation relates and get some advice. i found one sort of similar on the board, but my circumstances are still a bit different. well, it hasn't tunred out as bad anyway. i too have a boyfreind who isn't too fond of some things i did before we met (what is it with guys and chicks having sexual experiences b4 they met them?). he's always disliked knowing what i did b4 i met him (i had a few 1 night stands), although i don't really know why because it wasnt anything out of hte ordinary for most people and he isnt perfect himself (although he hasnt slept with as many people as me - me 6). anyway, he has always been so great to me and we've never had a fight but he, like the other person's message (i hope where not shareing the same boyfriend!) used to work himslef up about it and wouldnt talk about it. we broke up about a month ago because he doesn't want to pressure me by bringing what i did b4 we met because he thinks its slack on me and hes being an idiot when he knows hes silly to think about it, but still does. he hasn't judged me for it like the other girls boyfriend, i just think he finds it a bit hard to see me doing that sort of tihng, because making love means evertything to me, not casual sex. i don't know. anyway, heres the story now: a month after we split up, he writes me a letter telling me how much he loves me and that he always will and he feels empty without me. he tells me how he thinks i am the most beautiful person, that he is gutless for breaking it off with me because it was easier to run from his problems. he also siad he is missing out on teh best girlfriend ever and he is hurting bad, but hes willing to stick out these feelings to get over me. he's started to see another girl to try and get over me, but he said it's not working. he's just trying to cope somehow. he thinks being with her will supress his feelings for me and that she has nothing on me, i'm so much better. he hasnt slept with her yet because he keeps thinking about us making love and wonders if he will ever have anything like that again, maybe someday but not for a long time he said. he says hes sorry he could never get past the past but it is a design flaw which he needs to address. he said he is hurting as much as me and he dreamt about me last night and it hurt when he woke up. he wants us to be friends because it would mean a lot to him.

 

my problem now is this: if he loves me so much, why is breaking up the best thing for both of us?? why does he want to get over me so badly?i've always believed that love can get you through anyhting if you really love that person. we were together for 13 months. i feel ddeep down that if he was with me longer, he'd see more of the things about me he loves so much and he'd come to terms with this. you know, you get a little bit more mature about your feelings as time goes on. im heartbroken hes jumped to someone else just to try and get over me. it really hurts badly.

 

i don't know what to do because i can't be his friend if he's with someone else because it would be far too painful for me. and if i was his friend, i feel that every time i look at him, i'd just want to hold him and be with him. he knows we had something beautiful together and i will always want that back. i think what i want more than anything is for him to not worry about what i did once upon a time. i want him back so badly we are so magical together, everyone tells us that. he said he doesn't care about anything except me. i am so confused and i miss him terribly and i don't know what to do. i love him so much amd i am hurting like you wouldnt believe from losing such an amazing person. i too feel empty. empty and confused.

[sparkle]

Ashleigh,

 

This reminds me of the movie "chasing amy", where the guy breaks up with the chick because of her sexual past.

 

He probably feels very insecure and inadequate compared to you because you're more 'experienced' than he is, in his eyes.

 

Have you two sat down and had a serious discussion about

 

this topic, or does it end up becoming an argument? Maybe

 

it would help to find out what exactly bothers him about the

 

fact that you're not a virgin.

 

You said:

there. can you tell me how you've helped your boyfriend to see the light? i really feel at a

I don't really know what way there is for your boyfriend

 

to 'see the light', other than sitting there and having a serious talk about the matter. But this can only happen if you two have some very good 'open communication' channels with each other...where he's able to express his real feelings.

 

I know you stated that you want to try to make things work out, rather than break up with him. But let me tell you from experience. Some guys DO NOT change. Some guys DO NOT get over this. Like Jackie stated, they had a pretty rough time dealing with it and putting it behind them.

 

You may not be so lucky with him.

 

I dated one guy..and I didn't disclose my past with him. It was none of his business. He stated that he would never have dated me if I had so much as kissed a guy in the past, nevertheless slept with one! Me...I had sex with someone before him and kissed my share of guys. Well..me being stupid..I stuck with him. He found out through someone. NO MATTER HOW MUCH we talked about it or tried to move past it, it still stuck with us. The relationship went horribly.

 

I'm not saying this will be the case with you and your boyfriend, but if this is bothering him, who knows..he might turn into a controlling man, disapproving of other choices you make.

 

It's your choice whether to stick with him or not. But

 

trust me, there are some wonderful guys out there.

 

My last ex-bf felt that it was actually great that I had been in a few relationships before..even that I wasn't a virgin. He, as well as I, believed those are learning experiences, and he felt that..hey..at least you know about relationships..you're experienced...maybe this will cut out some of the smaller, petty issues that have to be dealt with among naive, inexperienced people.

 

You will meet a great guy who will be able to accept your past. He will realize that IT DOES NOT MATTER who you slept with or whether you're a virgin. He will not care about the number of guys you dated.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. It's your life. You can do whatever you want to do. He has NO RIGHT to even be upset about your past, because he was NOT in your past.

 

Good luck..let me know if he ever sees the light

 

Take care.

[ashleigh]

hi sparkle,

 

i think i might get out chasing amy tonight and watch it. it might make me feel better, hopefully. we only briefly touched on this subject once or twice. we didn't argue, but we were both a little bit upset, but i don't think anything was really cleared. i can't tell if he's a bit baffled by one-night stands, or if it's the thought of me having been with other guys. but the way i see it, it doesn't matter if you've been with 1 or 100 (well, i'd be making them get tests first!!). the fact is, that person wants you now, and any past sexual experiences are no reflection on them. i don't know about anybody else, but i could never, ever and wouldn't even begin to compare the person i love with with what i had once upon a time. i mean, if what i had once upon a time was what i wanted, i'd still be there right? (or severly hung up and not with anyone else). i suppose he should be thankful that i'm not a virgin who could turn around any minute and say, "i'm sick of you, i want to see what else is out there". cos a lot of people do that.

 

i'll have to sit down and think about what i want to say properly and get it right and to the point and tell him to be honest with me.

 

i'll keep you posted on what happens. thanks sparkle

Ashleigh, This reminds me of the movie "chasing amy", where the guy breaks up with the chick because of her sexual past. He probably feels very insecure and inadequate compared to you because you're more 'experienced' than he is, in his eyes. Have you two sat down and had a serious discussion about this topic, or does it end up becoming an argument? Maybe it would help to find out what exactly bothers him about the fact that you're not a virgin. You said: I don't really know what way there is for your boyfriend to 'see the light', other than sitting there and having a serious talk about the matter. But this can only happen if you two have some very good 'open communication' channels with each other...where he's able to express his real feelings. I know you stated that you want to try to make things work out, rather than break up with him. But let me tell you from experience. Some guys DO NOT change. Some guys DO NOT get over this. Like Jackie stated, they had a pretty rough time dealing with it and putting it behind them.

 

You may not be so lucky with him. I dated one guy..and I didn't disclose my past with him. It was none of his business. He stated that he would never have dated me if I had so much as kissed a guy in the past, nevertheless slept with one! Me...I had sex with someone before him and kissed my share of guys. Well..me being stupid..I stuck with him. He found out through someone. NO MATTER HOW MUCH we talked about it or tried to move past it, it still stuck with us. The relationship went horribly. I'm not saying this will be the case with you and your boyfriend, but if this is bothering him, who knows..he might turn into a controlling man, disapproving of other choices you make. It's your choice whether to stick with him or not. But trust me, there are some wonderful guys out there. My last ex-bf felt that it was actually great that I had been in a few relationships before..even that I wasn't a virgin. He, as well as I, believed those are learning experiences, and he felt that..hey..at least you know about relationships..you're experienced...maybe this will cut out some of the smaller, petty issues that have to be dealt with among naive, inexperienced people. You will meet a great guy who will be able to accept your past. He will realize that IT DOES NOT MATTER who you slept with or whether you're a virgin. He will not care about the number of guys you dated. You didn't do anything wrong. It's your life. You can do whatever you want to do. He has NO RIGHT to even be upset about your past, because he was NOT in your past. Good luck..let me know if he ever sees the light Take care.