SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 It is an act of acceptance. You either have to accept what they did, learn to trust them again (with their help) and move past the affair. If you don't, and this is what I am strongly struggling with, the mind movies and paranoia will eat you alive. It's one or the other. There is no grey area. 2
waterwoman Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 It is an act of acceptance. You either have to accept what they did, learn to trust them again (with their help) and move past the affair. If you don't, and this is what I am strongly struggling with, the mind movies and paranoia will eat you alive. It's one or the other. There is no grey area. Yes. Totally. But if one of the things you need is some form of payback then so be it. It's not my way perhaps (although tempting!) but I guess from reading LS it helps others.
waterwoman Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Sorry that should have read 'one of the ways you reach acceptance is some form of payback.
Furious Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 But isn't every BS that stayed with a cheating spouse accepting it? I mean, yeah I'm sure most want to know that the WS is sorry and making changes so that they never screw the BS over again - but in the end, isn't it an act of accepting what they did by staying with them and not divorcing? Things happen everyday that are beyond the control of an individual. If a storm blew off your roof, it's a fact, and accepting that the roof is now damaged has nothing to do with accepting the damage that was done. Ok... so now the roof needs fixing, or maybe it's a right off and you need to move. Yeats later, you look at the house, and you remember the storm, you accept that it happened. You may still be living in that house with a new roof or you may have moved to a new house. It's a part of your history of where you lived and how you dealt with it. I accept that I can't change the past, but I know I can change and shape my future in how I move forward and how I interpret acceptance. 2
BetrayedH Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Sorry that should have read 'one of the ways you reach acceptance is some form of payback. I just don't know where it ends. When is enough payback enough? You know how bad this hurts. What would be enough to make it up to you? To make it better? I think the solution is elsewhere. For me (now), I try to differentiate natural consequences from artificial or imposed consequences. Some parts of exposure (like sharing within your own family/support system or disclosing to the other betrayed spouse) seem like natural consequences to me. But when we start to get creative about other artificial and imposed consequences, that's where I think we begin to delve into unhealthy territory because nothing will ever be enough. You can get lost in that rabbit hole, whether justified or not. 1
Jabba Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 You sound obsessive compulsive about this, you better get professional therapy for it. 1
TigerCub Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Things happen everyday that are beyond the control of an individual. If a storm blew off your roof, it's a fact, and accepting that the roof is now damaged has nothing to do with accepting the damage that was done. Ok... so now the roof needs fixing, or maybe it's a right off and you need to move. Yeats later, you look at the house, and you remember the storm, you accept that it happened. You may still be living in that house with a new roof or you may have moved to a new house. It's a part of your history of where you lived and how you dealt with it. I accept that I can't change the past, but I know I can change and shape my future in how I move forward and how I interpret acceptance. A storm is a random thing. Are you saying that you would feel no different if someone went up and destroyed your roof on purpose than you would if the storm caused the damage? That's the difference I see. A storm is non discriminating and would hurt your roof by chance - someone willingly ruining your roof would be different, no? Then it would be up to you to accept what they did and forgive them and rebuild, or to sue them and buy a better house...
Furious Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 A storm is a random thing. Are you saying that you would feel no different if someone went up and destroyed your roof on purpose than you would if the storm caused the damage? That's the difference I see. A storm is non discriminating and would hurt your roof by chance - someone willingly ruining your roof would be different, no? Then it would be up to you to accept what they did and forgive them and rebuild, or to sue them and buy a better house... My point was that acceptance is relative, whether a couple reconciles or not, it cannot change the past and you come to terms that it's a part of your history.
BetrayedH Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 A storm is a random thing. Are you saying that you would feel no different if someone went up and destroyed your roof on purpose than you would if the storm caused the damage? That's the difference I see. A storm is non discriminating and would hurt your roof by chance - someone willingly ruining your roof would be different, no? Then it would be up to you to accept what they did and forgive them and rebuild, or to sue them and buy a better house... The problem is that you can't sue. Not even the courts want to touch what would be fair and equitable compensation for a jilted and cheated heart, even though infidelity is a pretty damn clear violation of a contract. In the few cases where you can sure for lack of affection, etc, you'll likely spend more on court costs than you'll get in a judgment. And these other forms of payback really pay you nothing. My wife and I have divorced and I still refuse to notify their employer or to post on places like CheaterVille (or even tell my young kids about her behavior). Why? Because it accomplishes nothing but to distract from my healing. 1
TigerCub Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 The problem is that you can't sue. Not even the courts want to touch what would be fair and equitable compensation for a jilted and cheated heart, even though infidelity is a pretty damn clear violation of a contract. In the few cases where you can sure for lack of affection, etc, you'll likely spend more on court costs than you'll get in a judgment. And these other forms of payback really pay you nothing. My wife and I have divorced and I still refuse to notify their employer or to post on places like CheaterVille (or even tell my young kids about her behavior). Why? Because it accomplishes nothing but to distract from my healing. Totally, In my example, sue = divorce. I didn't mean sue for real. I agree with the part in bold. 1
SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I dunno... I think they should bring back infidelity laws. The alienation of affection law that they used to have in the USA seemed quite nice. I'd say if you indeed have an adulterous affair and it could be proven without a doubt, 5-7 years hard labour would suffice, unpaid of course. And at the end of the hard labour you would have to pay the Government back what they needed to take from Tax Payers to house and feed you. I'm sure that might deter some people. 3
Furious Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 holy crud, she's someone who was just betrayed in a terrible way, she's hurt, she's angry, and she decided not to just roll over and accept it... it's not like it happened five or ten years ago and she did this while I can't say that revenge is a great idea, I can totally understand why she felt the way she did... if she told the truth, she has nothing to feel ashamed about...maybe she didn't make an ideal choice, but of all the actions surrounding the actions of her husband and his other woman, hers seem the least hurtful Great post FS!!! 1
ComingInHot Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Originally Posted by TigerCub But isn't every BS that stayed with a cheating spouse accepting it? I call it Forgiveness in my case. The A was long since over when I found out. If he had continued or decides to have another A, I will most certainly forgive me. I will divorce him. but I will still forgive him. I'd be an idiot to stay after another A because THEN I would feel like I would be "accepting" it... 1
Spark1111 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I exposed to family and friends. I attached tons of sexting, passionate, and Sophomoric emails. I did not expose at work because I would NEVER hurt a child, not even her child although she did not care about the consequences and subsequent therapy for my own. I did try to crash his car while it was parked in her driveway, while he was begging to reconcile, but my oldest daughter and my IC eventually talked me out of it. She then realized I knew where she lived. cat out of the bag. scared the bejeezus out of her. posting on a web site, like the one mentioned? Mmmmm....probably not. my children were young adults, very web savvy, and either they or one of their friends may have stumbled upon it. I would NEVER do anything to hurt my children. the affair was devastating enough. I am one of the calmest, kindest people there is and I was OUT OF MY MIND. Do people in affairs not realize the propensity for real violence when in affairs? Do they not read the newspapers or watch true crime TV? Do they obscure the vengefulness that comes up from the toes of a BS at discovery? She put it up on a website. She took it down. I feel what I did was worse at DDay. let's cut her some slack here, IMHO. 5
2sure Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 She put up and she took it down. Problem solved and sure, it was a crazy thing to do. Had I been this OW, I would have handed BS her as$ in a paper bag. But that didn't need to happen...because this woman decided...hey, I think I'm going over the edge here, am I? Some help please? Like Spark, when I was BS I was way way beyond the boundaries of my normal self. I did things I have some regret about as time has gone on. I wasn't safe. What concerns me most for OP is that while saying that you hold H accountable...you have taken the betrayal and rage and directed toward OW...who could have been anyone, and the result would have been the same. 6
Spark1111 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 PS: It took me a LONG time to get to forgiveness and I am by nature, very forgiving. My H STILL won't keep a fire arm in the house in case I have that rare moment when I go to the dark side. This affair crap does not go away easily. I sit here PROUD of myself I did not SEEK more retribution back then. if you do not know the devastation of betrayal, it is impossible to imagine how enraged and crazy- making it is for NORMAL people. One iota past normal? someone is getting dead or going to jail. TRUTH. I have read, and have friends in law enforcement who have confirmed, that it is not DDay that makes one crazy....it IS continued gas lighting, begging to reconcile and saying all the right things, while STILL continuing to see the AP on the sneak, when discovered by the BS again, raises the propensity for violence something like 400 percent. 5
Furious Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 You may think this is semantics but accepting that it happened as an historical event is different to accepting the injustice. I take the point from BH about when is enough- but surely it's valid that people come to the conclusion that anything is better than nothing? I think it would eat me alive to do *nothing*...that can be a distraction from healing too. I know people that seems to have happened to. And I know one who exposed the A pretty publicly but did nothing else and she clings to that- "at least I did that- at least they had to face that". It gives her comfort I believe. I don't understand just letting it go with no exposure, no consequences. I exposed the affair to my close family members, and to my husbands family, I also contacted the the OW's husband and exposed the affair. On d-day I handed my husband his suitcase and told him he was free to live happily ever after with OW and wished them well. My husband was out of the house and living in a hotel for over six weeks. I saw a lawyer, got my ducks in order and was heading straight for divorce. My husband has made an enormous effort in individual counseling and marriage counseling, he even sincerely apologized to the OW's husband and has faced the devastation of our children and is trying so hard to be the father they can once again respect. There have been consequences. Each betrayed spouse deals with their own idea of consequence in regard to the WS and OW/OM. For some BS's they don't go far enough with consequences and some may go overboard, I understand that when fresh from d-day emotions are raw and they may act out in ways they never imagined. 5
BetrayedH Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 For the record, I just want to say that I don't at all view SOT's actions as "all that bad." My apologies if it's come out that way. Holy heck, BSs have done a lot worse. She took the darn thing down as fast as it went up. She sought some advice for her small crisis of conscience and made what was ultimately the honorable decision. She gets props in my book. Smart woman as far as I can tell and in the usual crap position of trying to figure out WTF we're supposed to do. I tried everything so I sure don't judge. My points were meant in a philosophical/intellectual vein. Starting down the justice path took me to a dark place and it's meant to be a cautionary tale about a slippery slope. 7
2sure Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 For the record, I just want to say that I don't at all view SOT's actions as "all that bad." My apologies if it's come out that way. Holy heck, BSs have done a lot worse. She took the darn thing down as fast as it went up. She sought some advice for her small crisis of conscience and made what was ultimately the honorable decision. She gets props in my book. Smart woman as far as I can tell and in the usual crap position of trying to figure out WTF we're supposed to do. I tried everything so I sure don't judge. My points were meant in a philosophical/intellectual vein. Starting down the justice path took me to a dark place and it's meant to be a cautionary tale about a slippery slope.[/ Agreed. Some revenge is good in an immediate gratification way, but could ultimately make you feel bad about yourself in the future. Best to consult with a criminal attorney first is what I always say. 2
cocorico Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 if she told the truth, she has nothing to feel ashamed about... So if I posted my H's xBW on cheaterville for having cheated on her first xH, that would be just fine, because I would be telling the truth?
BetrayedH Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I've never felt guilty about truthful statements about wrongdoing. Even if the person loses a great deal as a result. Their actions were the cause not my truthful comments. I don't know why a BS would *ever* feel guilty if they stayed within the law. It's easy to say that honesty is always right and dishonesty is always wrong. But the fact is that exposing the truth can sometimes have negative consequences for those you love and if it is done out of revenge, it says more about you than you'd like to admit. All in all, I'm a huge proponent of living an honest and authentic life; I've preached it to waywards here many times and it's a fundamental way of life for me. But there is also something to be said for moderation; just about anything taken to an extreme can be a negative. I will have some reservations about going out of my way to share "truth" when the intent is just to hurt someone. And intentionally hurting your spouse has no place in a reconciliation. I think it is wise to have some pause about some honesty. For the record, I routinely lie about the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. 2
BetrayedH Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 BetrayedH I don't agree at all. I don't feel it says anything negative about a person to expose the truth. If the wrongdoer has consequences try are of their own making. I may even be willing to wear a certain amount of blowback, I would rather that than the complete pain of being immobilized by the wrongdoer. I fundamentally don't believe in being the bigger person and letting the injustice sit there. I don't see that as any kind of virtue. As for cocorico's proposal, I wouldn't criticize the act of exposing the exposure of truth even in that case but it would look like she was a hypocrite (which doesn't apply if the BS does it). Then I suppose we will have to agree to disagree. You wouldn't feel guilty exposing the truth and I don't feel guilty for not exposing it.
TigerCub Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 but i would fel your motives were more based on vinditiveness, anger and malicce but isn't the op's motive the same? The OP has every right to be angry, and want revenge and to even post what she posted (wrong names fiasco aside) - but in the end, her motive is the anger the vindictiveness and the malice - how is it not? She's angry, she's hurt, that's why she did it. Isn't that so? If not, what do you think her motive was?
cocorico Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 If weren't ashamed of having the affair why would you be ashamed for speaking the truth? I have no problem with speaking the truth - it's something I do routinely. But to me, going to expose someone else's private business (an A they participated in) seems unnecessary and dangerous, like releasing a caged tiger and hoping it bites only the victim you'd prefer it to bite. 1
wanting more Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 What did you do to your husband? Did fliers get sent about him to his work? Just curious 1
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