I hope I don't regret this

[screwedovertwenty]

I posted the OW on cheaterville. I used the picture that she sent to me. I had to guess at what her name might be because she told husband that the name she gave him was fake. He didn't know her last name. After searching, I figured out three possible last names and posted all three with the first name she gave husband.

 

At first I felt kinof sorry for this girl. She had developed feelings and my husband swears he had none for her. I originally placed every bit of blame on my husband.

 

It is still his fault, all the way. She made no commitment to me. He did.

 

After several conversations and question and answer sessions, I have found out many things that shed a new light on what a bimbo this tramp really is.

 

She is the one who gave him her number and when he told her that he was married, she said she didn't care.

 

She was the one who invited him to the hotel the first time.

 

She is the one who took him to the private spot on the river.

 

She is the one who talked him out of using condoms.

 

She is the one who threatened me and had her roommate threaten me.

 

She is the one who threatened me again about googling her phone number.

 

She is the one who lied and told me she was ****ing him when I was at my counselor meeting. I had been talking to him on the phone for an hour before that meeting and he was at work. I know that was a lie.

 

I believe now that she was trying to get pregnant. My husband never told her that he had a vasectomy.

 

There has been no contact from her since December 20. Husband did go to her house on Jan 3, to "tell her to leave us alone". That is the day that I caught him on gps and he was only with her for ten minutes and apparently did not tell her the reason that he went to see her. She heard me on the phone and was freaked out.

 

Husband has done everything right since that day. Everything. I haven't felt any anger toward him since that first week in January. Only sadness about the whole situation.

 

My anger has grown for her though. I hate her and if I saw her in person, I would have a hard time not punching her in the stomach. I am not a violent person. I am a peace loving hippy chick.

 

I just feel like I need revenge so bad.

 

Husband took me to their spot by the river. I want to print pictures of her and write "WHORE" on them and post them to the trees all over "their spot".

 

I am tired of being the bigger person! That's all I have ever been! It sucks!!!

[screwedovertwenty]

I posted her picture one time and posted that the last name could be any of three.

[whichwayisup]

You SHOULD direct some anger, much of it at your husband too. She may have come up with the plans, but NOBODY can be 'convinced' to do something they do not wish to do. Yes, she is manipulative and knowingly went after your husband - She has little sympathy or empathy for what she's done to you and your family.. But again, your H went along with this - Knowing FULL WELL what he was doing to YOU was wrong. He had sex with her without a condom. HIS CHOICE. She didn't put a gun to his head.

 

Anyway, you wanna be the bigger person? IGNORE HER like she doesn't exist. go on with your life. Focus on your husband - Get him to counseling and work on your marriage as well as he needs to work on himself. HE brought this woman into your lives.. He better be remorseful and not just putting it all on his exOW.

[screwedovertwenty]

Before you slander innocent people, you ought to make sure you have your facts.

 

Don't you see anything wrong with what you've done, or it's just collaborative damage of two, possibly three innocent people to you? And, did you put your husband's name on there?

 

I have not slandered any innocent person. I made one post and listed three posible last names, stating that these might not even be the real names. I posted her picture that she sent to me.

 

I did not post my husband. I do not feel the need to seek revenge against him anymore. We are trying to repair our marriage. He is sorry and he is doing everything that he is supposed to be doing. He is going to counseling. We are going to marriage counseling. He is paying attention to my emotions and he is answering every question that I have, even if it is after a fifteen hour day. He is going above and beyond trying to do everything that I need him to do. He made a huge huge mistake and I hate that it happened and yes there is a lot of anger and hurt and everything for him. Mostly just sadness right now though. I don't want to hurt him. I don't think he really wanted to hurt me. What he did was terrible and he knows that.

 

She did try to hurt me though. That was her intention when she threatened me, insulted me and told me that she was ****ing my husband when I knew she wasn't.

 

If you google your name, you come up with lots of people with the same name. If I google my name and someone elses picture comes up, how exactly am I being slandered?????

[Hope7]

I understand being angry at both of them for their actions but I think you took it too far. Where is the blame for your husband? Why isn't his picture up there? How can you be sure what he is telling you is the truth? It honestly sounds like he pinned everything on the OW and you accepted that. Most of the responsibility should fall on your husband who took vows with you and yet you say you've felt no anger towards him at all since January, just sadness. It's easier to blame the person you don't know then it is the one you love. I think before posting any more pictures of this woman, with info your not sure of, you start thinking of healthier ways to handle your anger. I'm sorry for your pain and heartache, but the way you're handling things now sounds like its going to hurt you more than help you heal.

[screwedovertwenty]

I understand being angry at both of them for their actions but I think you took it too far. Where is the blame for your husband? Why isn't his picture up there? How can you be sure what he is telling you is the truth? It honestly sounds like he pinned everything on the OW and you accepted that. Most of the responsibility should fall on your husband who took vows with you and yet you say you've felt no anger towards him at all since January, just sadness. It's easier to blame the person you don't know then it is the one you love. I think before posting any more pictures of this woman, with info your not sure of, you start thinking of healthier ways to handle your anger. I'm sorry for your pain and heartache, but the way you're handling things now sounds like its going to hurt you more than help you heal.

 

He hasn't pinned it on her. He is taking full responsibility. He took the number. He called it. He went to the hotel. He went to the river. He wasted an hour driving around at night to pick her up and take her home for fifteen minutes of sex. He is the one who decided to **** someone else five weeks after the anniversary weekend that I planned and three weeks before christmas. He is the the one who ****ed her on our daughters birthday. He is the one who ****ed her the day after this past anniversary that I again planned. He is the one who betrayed me in the worst way possible. He has seen my anger and my devistation. He takes full responsibility.

[TigerCub]

He hasn't pinned it on her. He is taking full responsibility. He took the number. He called it. He went to the hotel. He went to the river. He wasted an hour driving around at night to pick her up and take her home for fifteen minutes of sex. He is the one who decided to **** someone else five weeks after the anniversary weekend that I planned and three weeks before christmas. He is the the one who ****ed her on our daughters birthday. He is the one who ****ed her the day after this past anniversary that I again planned. He is the one who betrayed me in the worst way possible. He has seen my anger and my devistation. He takes full responsibility.

 

Ok, so is his picture up on that site too?

[screwedovertwenty]

You SHOULD direct some anger, much of it at your husband too. She may have come up with the plans, but NOBODY can be 'convinced' to do something they do not wish to do. Yes, she is manipulative and knowingly went after your husband - She has little sympathy or empathy for what she's done to you and your family.. But again, your H went along with this - Knowing FULL WELL what he was doing to YOU was wrong. He had sex with her without a condom. HIS CHOICE. She didn't put a gun to his head.

 

Anyway, you wanna be the bigger person? IGNORE HER like she doesn't exist. go on with your life. Focus on your husband - Get him to counseling and work on your marriage as well as he needs to work on himself. HE brought this woman into your lives.. He better be remorseful and not just putting it all on his exOW.

 

Thank you. He is remorsful and in counseling and marriage counseling. He is not pinning it on her. I originnally put no blame on her. I am just now realizing how manipulative she was. That is not an excuse for his behavior. He knows it and I know it.

[Lillyfree]

people need to realise that once they post something on the internet, it's available to everyone and never retrievable....

 

op, i understand you're angry and you have every right to be. but i have to agree with the posters who disagreed with your decision to post incomplete/unconfirmed details. tbh, if i were in your position and have even sighted the OW's driving licence, i wouldn't post anything.

 

next time you feel angry, take a deep breath. punch a pillow or something.

[Hope7]

Yet you didn't feel the need to post him? It's okay to publicly shame her but not him (not to mention the 2/3 wrong names you posted as well)? I went back and read you previous posts and he has been manipulating you for a while. You made up a fake contact for her and caught him calling it twice and he tells you he was calling her to tell her to leave you two alone?? A lot of what he has been telling you doesn't add up and I think you know that as well. I understand wanting to believe him, but you are so blinded by your anger for her he's getting away scot free. I hope you really sit down and ask yourself some tough questions. it seems he knows what to say to you to keep the heat away from him, while directing it all on her.

[Furious]

SOT

 

I can feel your pain, pain from two people, the husband who broke your heart and crushed your reality, and a woman who did not know you, who didn't give a damn you existed.

 

You had it out with your husband, but you feel a rush of anger toward the woman who wasn't sorry and threw the affair in your face.

 

You feel violated, you feel the need to strike back and not turn the other cheek. The frustration, the pent up emotion and anger has made you do something that you probably never imagined you could ever do.

 

I get the feeling that you have not found solace in your revenge, that by posting about the OW has not made a dent in your healing.

 

Let it go, she will never understand how hurt you are, she will not be sorry for her part in hurting you. She sounds like a troubled woman, someone who at this time in her life cannot feel empathy for you.

 

Let it go, shift the energy toward your healing, don't waste it on revenge.

[screwedovertwenty]

I made it invisible.

[wanting more]

What happens IF yoh do have her name right and then she posts your H name and pic on the site?

[Furious]

I made it invisible.

 

 

I've been following all your threads SOT, I knew you would do the right thing.

I knew you are better than this, and you proved yourself.

[Lillyfree]

the OW is not usually remorseful and what little she can do to right the wrong she won't do.

 

 

wow.

 

apologies for the t/j, but i would really like to know where you get your stats from. or is it that you have a grossly biased view and a habit of generalising?

[veryhappy]

 

It is still his fault, all the way. She made no commitment to me. He did.

 

what a bimbo this tramp really is.

 

She

 

She

 

She

 

She

 

She

 

She

 

She

 

she

 

etc.

 

 

You don't blame your H. You have shifted the blame to the bimbo/tramp. It's okay, you need to hate her so you can happily reconcile with the cheating pig and to stop your brain from exploding from the disonance between commited husband and man who did all that.

 

You will see though that once you act on anger, the consequences of what you put out there are out of your hands.

 

Poor young, sweet, innocent baby at the hands of such a horrible woman...

[pureinheart]

He hasn't pinned it on her. He is taking full responsibility. He took the number. He called it. He went to the hotel. He went to the river. He wasted an hour driving around at night to pick her up and take her home for fifteen minutes of sex. He is the one who decided to **** someone else five weeks after the anniversary weekend that I planned and three weeks before christmas. He is the the one who ****ed her on our daughters birthday. He is the one who ****ed her the day after this past anniversary that I again planned. He is the one who betrayed me in the worst way possible. He has seen my anger and my devistation. He takes full responsibility.

 

You sound very traumatised love. Most of my life I've walked in a state of trauma without realising it, making bad decisions...very bad decisions. If it is not too intrusive, please, would you explore trama and it's effects if you haven't already.

 

Trauma of course is the result of root issues, and when I understood it even though it not being a "root cause", things began to change drastically for me allowing a great deal of healing to take place. God Bless you, and you have my prayers...

Edited February 11, 2013 by pureinheart

[waterwoman]

You made it invisible? Does that mean you stopped anyone else from seeing it? Well done. It wouldn't do any good and you'd end up feeling embarrassed I expect.

 

I can totally understand the need to lash out at OW. For me that has largely faded now. H is facing the consequences, every day, my rage and pain and emotional instability. He is reaping the whirlwind. As far as we know she isn't. And I went through a long period of wanting to confront her. BUT in the end we didn't even tell her H - he was a nasty piece of work, abusive, controlling and violent - I didn't want to give him cause to hurt her and selfishly I didn't want that man turning up at my doorstep (they only live about a mile away from us). I am still angry but as I want my marriage to survive I have to swallow some of it down instead of hurl it all at H. I go for long walks and sometimes have a good old sob and scream (as long as there is no-one about!!). But boy, I'd have loved to tell her what I thought of her a few months back.

[Furious]

You don't blame your H. You have shifted the blame to the bimbo/tramp. It's okay, you need to hate her so you can happily reconcile with the cheating pig and to stop your brain from exploding from the disonance between commited husband and man who did all that.

 

You will see though that once you act on anger, the consequences of what you put out there are out of your hands.

 

Poor young, sweet, innocent baby at the hands of such a horrible woman...

 

 

Pot...Kettle

 

I find it odd that you don't see the irony of your comments.

[BetrayedH]

In my experience, external sources (things like revenge) never really provide the closure that we hope they will. They never quite provide that sense balance or justice that we hope they will. It has to come from within and when it is this large of an offense, it takes a long while before we've found it. I haven't seen it mentioned here yet but it is frequently said that revenge is like drinking a poison in hopes that the other person will die. Unfortunately, none of this business is going to truly help you. There is no fast track to getting better. Fast is slow. You need to see your husband's consistent actions over time.

 

I also think there is some truth to this transference of anger toward the OW instead of your H. It's very common and I hope you take the time to analyze it a bit further. It was just a month ago that this man had no problem straight-up lying to you while he drove to his OW's house. If I recall correctly, he lied to you before he went there, while he was there, and after he left. Please stop telling us how ****ing remorseful he is.

[sweet_pea]

To be honest, I understand her wanting to put the OW on the website. It's just a way at taking back power from a situation she had none in. It may not have been a super great choice, but she's hurting, so it happens.

Edited February 11, 2013 by sweet_pea

[jnel921]

I totally understand your anger towards the OW, but please know your H has a major part of the blame as well. You list out all of the things she wanted your husband to do and he willingly did....his choice.

 

My H had a choice too. Like yours he decided to get between another woman's legs unprotected and forgot about the years he had vested in our marriage, family and life. I chose to stay, just like you....because he was remorseful. But I cannot say that at any time after D-Day he has made any attempt to contact her or visit. What else could there be to say?

 

If that was the case, that would be the deal breaker for me. NC means NC. You have to consider why our H chose to cheat. Their mental state. While the OW had obvious issues and was very needy and willing to screw all of her BF's friends, my H jumped at this opportunity. No matter how many times we discuss it and he tells me how it was a mistake, he did it one too many times for me to beleive that.

 

He needs to make me beleive he loves and wants me at this point. I have to feel it. I don't want to spend the rest of my life spying on him and asking him where he was and with who.

 

When we all go through D-Day there should be some definite and final rules if the WS decides he wants to stay. NC being one. if my H went out of his way to reach out to the OW after the fact, we would most certainly be done.

 

Being betrayed is hard enough and takes a long time to get over.

[beenburned]

BH,

 

You touched on a very good point about seeking balance and justice. This was a long standing resentment toward both my H and the OW.

 

It is a shocking thought when you realize that you can never undo the injustice done to you by both people. And it took me years to be able to accept this.(it almost destroyed our reconciliation)

 

Until one day, years later, H started crying and said he couldn't take it anymore. He had been doing everything humanly possible to save our marriage for years. But I would not let go of the anger and resentment of the injustice they did to me.

 

His actions^^^ that day was a turning point when I fully realized that I also had to give 100% toward healing myself for the survival of our marriage!

 

It's a bitter pill to swallow, but if you don't, it will eventually destroy your marriage and the love of your spouse.

[BetrayedH]

BH,

 

You touched on a very good point about seeking balance and justice. This was a long standing resentment toward both my H and the OW.

 

It is a shocking thought when you realize that you can never undo the injustice done to you by both people. And it took me years to be able to accept this.(it almost destroyed our reconciliation)

 

Until one day, years later, H started crying and said he couldn't take it anymore. He had been doing everything humanly possible to save our marriage for years. But I would not let go of the anger and resentment of the injustice they did to me.

 

His actions^^^ that day was a turning point when I fully realized that I also had to give 100% toward healing myself for the survival of our marriage!

 

It's a bitter pill to swallow, but if you don't, it will eventually destroy your marriage and the love of your spouse.

 

This is a great post. The word "accept" stuck out to me. The final stage is not justice; it's acceptance. The remorse of our spouse is a pre-requisite (and ridiculously hard to believe) but I think the final stage of reconciliation is just as difficult and completely internal. My failure to understand this contributed to my own failed reconciliation, perhaps as much as my wife's lack of honesty.

[ComingInHot]

SOT;

It actually makes Perfect sense to me. I believe you full well BOTH are to blame. One more than the other really makes no difference because it took two to have the A.

 

You love your husband and I'm sure have had Wonderful years together (I hope) so maybe right now in order to stay sane, stay in the M & work to R, most of your anger, hurt & betrayal is being placed on this ow.? If I had put EVERYTHING on my FWH I don't think there would Ave been a chance in Hadies for R. The other side to my situation was that the exOW was continuously distracting me from putting or placing equal share of my pain on my husband .

 

As we worked on R (and ow finally went away) my H DID receive his share of my anger*

 

You have EVERY right to HATE the A, to HATE what she did by engaging, to HATE what your H did in betraying you but at some point and when you are ready, you may think about coming to terms w/the fact that it Did happen (past tense) .

 

It truly doesn't matter in the R w/your H whether or not she is suffering. Sure, daydream about how you would "make her suffer" and write in agony for being w/your husband , it can help but just don't make it a real it or your every waking thought.

 

If you read in the OW section, you will read that a-lot of those women are good people and due to their choices, they really are suffering.

 

I've discovered that through supporting them in their pain, I myself have healed*