Signs of Remorse

[Confused3232]

Hi Everyone,

You were all right, things do get easier. I am having less of those days where I just start crying while driving and constantly question my decision to kick my WH out. It has been a week that he has been out of the house and I have the kids 95% of the time. He comes around for an hour or two per day. Yesterday was the first time he did something out of the ordinary. I was folding clothes in another room while he was with the twins and he came in and started folding clothes with me. He normally never helps with anything. I said thank you and carried on. The day before he said that the OW had spoken with her H about the affair and that she "has a lot going in at home right now." I have no idea why he said that, but I just listened and walked away. I'm starting to realize that what makes me so sad isn't my loss of him, but my loss of a family. That is important for me to remember.

[Spark1111]

you are getting stronger and that's a great thing.

 

why not take advantage of those one to two hours and go grocery shopping or something?

 

because a) he may be checking out your personal life, I.e. dating or speaking to another and b) his conversation about his OW may be completely bogus.

 

by throwing you one more untruth, he may be on assignment to ascertain if you intend to alert her H or not.

 

maybe that's just me.....but to do the 180 successfully, I had to get away from him and whatever head games he may be playing, KWIM?

 

I wanted him to report back to her, because believe me, she was in contact with him every step of the way, that I wasn't even there and he had no idea what I was up to.

 

yes. there was a part of me that wanted to see both of them sweat as to what I was up to and what I intended and what my true motivations were.

 

but face to face? Calm as could be, too busy almost to engage in chit chat, with a breezy bye, see ya, I will be back later. grab your keys, cell phone and go.

[leonine]

I'm glad to hear that you're gradually feeling better. I just wanted to reply and suggest that you not waste a lot of energy wondering why he says what he says sometimes. If he has something to say to you, make him be direct. Don't worry if he's trying to hint or imply something - you're not in his head, he's obviously not thinking very clearly, so you'll probably never be able to accurately read between the lines with him. It can just be crazy-making.

 

I was "on a break" with my xMM around this time last year when he texts me out of the blue asking if I know of a place near the office where he could get a Valentine's Day card. I was like WTF are you asking me for? Google Halmark, dumb-ass. That unfortunately wasn't the end of us, but it was around that time that I quit trying to figure out his motives for everything.

[jnel921]

Hi Everyone:

 

Anyone that knows me, knows I am an impatient soul. It has been four days since I told my WH to move out and I filed for divorce. I'm not sure if I would ever entertain the idea of taking him back, but I would like to see some remorse for his actions either way. He is the father of my kids, and I hope he has some sort of conscience.

 

So for those of you who cheated and moved out, when did you start to question your actions? When did you start to realize the OW or OM wasn't all he/she cracked up to be? Or for those BS, when did you start to see real remorse?

 

I know all situations are different, but there might be some similarities. Thanks all!!

 

Yes, all situations are different. Why the impatience? I beleive those who immediately leave aren't as remorseful as those who want to stay.

 

Are you remorseful that you asked him to leave and now are filing for divorce only 4 days out?

 

You may never get an apology or see remorse. I never did from my first husband. that was almost 16 years ago. I packed his stuff and threw him out. I am sure he was happy at that time to have extra time with his lover. He was not thinking about how tough it was for me being pregnant and now alone with our one year old son at the time.

 

I went through a lot which made me stronger for my kids. I could care less if he was remorseful at this point. He made a choice and it changed our lives forever.

[Spark1111]

Yes, all situations are different. Why the impatience? I beleive those who immediately leave aren't as remorseful as those who want to stay.

 

Are you remorseful that you asked him to leave and now are filing for divorce only 4 days out?

 

You may never get an apology or see remorse. I never did from my first husband. that was almost 16 years ago. I packed his stuff and threw him out. I am sure he was happy at that time to have extra time with his lover. He was not thinking about how tough it was for me being pregnant and now alone with our one year old son at the time.

 

I went through a lot which made me stronger for my kids. I could care less if he was remorseful at this point. He made a choice and it changed our lives forever.

 

jnel....he never stopped cheating...he just went underground with his MOW...through false R, through MC....

 

She just recently caught them again...has a good job AND 6-month old twins.

 

She's done NOW, filed and threw him out. He is actually angry at her, as if he could have both women.....

[Confused3232]

I'm glad to hear that you're gradually feeling better. I just wanted to reply and suggest that you not waste a lot of energy wondering why he says what he says sometimes. If he has something to say to you, make him be direct. Don't worry if he's trying to hint or imply something - you're not in his head, he's obviously not thinking very clearly, so you'll probably never be able to accurately read between the lines with him. It can just be crazy-making.

 

I was "on a break" with my xMM around this time last year when he texts me out of the blue asking if I know of a place near the office where he could get a Valentine's Day card. I was like WTF are you asking me for? Google Halmark, dumb-ass. That unfortunately wasn't the end of us, but it was around that time that I quit trying to figure out his motives for everything.

 

Hi Leonine,

I think you are right, I shouldn't waste time or energy on him. And each day does get easier and more fun the less I think about our situation. I reread your thank you post and think it was big of you to admit your mistakes. Can I ask you a few questions? Your situation is REALLY similar to what happened with my WH. Do you believe in the "affair fog" or do you think you were actually in love with the OM? Do you think that relationship would have survived if you had both left your spouses? Did you ever think that you loved your spouse but were not "in love" with him compared to your OM? And lastly, why did you finally stop? Was it gradual or just a line in the sand?

 

Thanks so much for answering my questions. I am doing a good job moving on from this situation, but am having a hard time understanding infidelity in general. I can't imagine how a person could cheat and then come home to their spouse and sleep in bed with them? I'm worried maybe my picker is off when it comes to men. If you could help me understand, I would appreciate it very much.

[Confused3232]

you are getting stronger and that's a great thing.

 

why not take advantage of those one to two hours and go grocery shopping or something? Oh, I am! I have had wine with girlfriends, gone grocery shopping, grabbed dinner at a new restaurant

 

because a) he may be checking out your personal life, I.e. dating or speaking to another and b) his conversation about his OW may be completely bogus. True! I do think he is checking on my personal life, in fact when he found out about me talking to the OW's husband, he said that was "just to much" and he couldn't continue to try at our relationship (let's keep in mind he NEVER tried after Dday)

 

by throwing you one more untruth, he may be on assignment to ascertain if you intend to alert her H or not. I do think they are both scared of me and probably talk a lot about me on their 1000 text messages...ha! They need to get a life

 

maybe that's just me.....but to do the 180 successfully, I had to get away from him and whatever head games he may be playing, KWIM? Yeah, I do think he is still trying to play head games, he calls 6 times a day for no reason (I don't answer) he texted me at 4:30 am today. I am not feeding into his drama.

 

I wanted him to report back to her, because believe me, she was in contact with him every step of the way, that I wasn't even there and he had no idea what I was up to.that's good, I like that. I am sure she has had plenty to say about me. But then again, why wouldn't she give him advice...they both have so much integrity!

 

yes. there was a part of me that wanted to see both of them sweat as to what I was up to and what I intended and what my true motivations were.Right there with you sister!

 

but face to face? Calm as could be, too busy almost to engage in chit chat, with a breezy bye, see ya, I will be back later. grab your keys, cell phone and go.

I need to work on being busy a bit more, but sometimes I have stuff I need to get done at the house while he is there watching the babies. Thanks Sparks! You always give the best advice to refocus me.

[leonine]

Hi Leonine,

I think you are right, I shouldn't waste time or energy on him. And each day does get easier and more fun the less I think about our situation. I reread your thank you post and think it was big of you to admit your mistakes. Can I ask you a few questions?

 

Sure. I'll do my best to answer them.

 

Your situation is REALLY similar to what happened with my WH. Do you believe in the "affair fog" or do you think you were actually in love with the OM?

 

Well, I guess it depends on how you define the "fog" I think my feelings for the MM were genuine. I think of the "fog" as the mindspace you end up in where you can justify to yourself doing something so hurtful to someone you care about as well as to yourself. It's not rational behavior. It's still hard for me to reconcile since I'm normally a pretty rational person. I got caught up in how good I felt in the moment. I've never used illicit drugs, but I would suppose that it's a similar thing.

 

Do you think that relationship would have survived if you had both left your spouses?

 

I'm not a big fan of hypotheticals in these sorts of situations - there are waaaayyyy too many variables involved. If MM and I had met as single people, I don't know of anything in particular that would have been a deal breaker, but then we never had to deal with the real day to day with each other. It was all fantasy-land, so who knows?

 

If we had each left our spouses, well, that would have been extremely challenging. He has two pre-teen children, one of whom has some pretty serious medical issues (started after the affair ended). He has a lot invested in being (or at least appearing to be) a good family man. All of that would have been very difficult to navigate. Again though, who knows?

 

Did you ever think that you loved your spouse but were not "in love" with him compared to your OM?

 

Ugh. I hate that cliche, but I was guilty of saying it myself. I think it's just a lazy way of saying, "I feel there's something missing from our relationship, but I can't be bothered to really explain to you what the problem is". In my case I felt taken for granted and neglected, just a total afterthought. Over the years I had tried to express this to my BH, but wasn't able to get any change. I still loved him though. By the time he was checking back in, I was too involved in the affair to really deal with him.

 

Just want to put out there - I don't think my affair was at all justified by the way my BH made me feel. He does take responsibility for not treating me well though. We've dealt with some of that in MC as well as the affair.

 

And lastly, why did you finally stop? Was it gradual or just a line in the sand?

 

A little of both I suppose. For the last two or three months of the affair there was a lot of on and off. One of us would back off because of feeling guilty and conflicted, but after a couple of days we would be back on. Finally, one day I got an email from him where I could see that he was heading to another break and I just said that's enough. I couldn't ride the roller coaster anymore and I told him I had to stop for good. There were a couple of times between when I put my foot down and when I told my BH about the affair that my xMM checked in on me (that's how it had always started up again before), but I was able to hold my line this time.

 

Thanks so much for answering my questions. I am doing a good job moving on from this situation, but am having a hard time understanding infidelity in general. I can't imagine how a person could cheat and then come home to their spouse and sleep in bed with them? I'm worried maybe my picker is off when it comes to men. If you could help me understand, I would appreciate it very much.

 

I hope this was helpful. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, but it sounds like you have your head in the right place. He's the one who is going to be missing out on a good woman.

Edited February 13, 2013 by leonine

[Confused3232]

Ugh! Today is rough!!!! I feel like I am swallowing back tears all day. I know he did some unforgivable things to me, but I really miss having him in my life each day. Why is that????

 

I can tell he is starting to break me a little. I have dinner plans tonight with a girlfriend and he texted me this morning asking that I give the twins V day kisses. Then he asked if he could bring dinner...I said I had plans. And then he asked if he could stay overnight (in the basement) to let me sleep in tomorrow morning. I said no. So then he asked about staying tomorrow night and I said "I don't know." He wants to make me breakfast Sat morning to say tanks for being such a good mom to our girls. What is this??? And why am I considering it!?? Help!

[BetrayedH]

You're still in love with the man you thought he was. It's normal and I still think that way about my exwife from time to time. Sadly, that's not who he is. He's shown you who he is and you should believe him.

 

Until you hear that he has ended this affair, is truly remorseful, and will do anything to earn your trust back again, please do not fall for this crap that takes so little effort on his part. Understand that this is all for one purpose: if he can get you to soften, then what he did must not be so bad and he can relieve himself of some guilt (while not actually sacrificing a damn thing).

[Furious]

Ugh! Today is rough!!!! I feel like I am swallowing back tears all day. I know he did some unforgivable things to me, but I really miss having him in my life each day. Why is that????

 

I can tell he is starting to break me a little. I have dinner plans tonight with a girlfriend and he texted me this morning asking that I give the twins V day kisses. Then he asked if he could bring dinner...I said I had plans. And then he asked if he could stay overnight (in the basement) to let me sleep in tomorrow morning. I said no. So then he asked about staying tomorrow night and I said "I don't know." He wants to make me breakfast Sat morning to say tanks for being such a good mom to our girls. What is this??? And why am I considering it!?? Help!

 

He knows what buttons to press, he's good with words but his actions are who he really is. He wants cheap forgiveness from you.

 

Stand firm, after all he's done, what has he done to really change, to prove he's truly remorseful.

[Snowflower]

I recognize myself from a few years ago in your posts.

 

Stay strong. Of course you still love him and wish he was the man you thought you knew. He is trying to take the easy way out again. This has become a pattern for him. Don't let him get away with it.

[Radagast]

Hi Everyone:

 

Anyone that knows me, knows I am an impatient soul. It has been four days since I told my WH to move out and I filed for divorce. I'm not sure if I would ever entertain the idea of taking him back, but I would like to see some remorse for his actions either way. He is the father of my kids, and I hope he has some sort of conscience.

 

So for those of you who cheated and moved out, when did you start to question your actions? When did you start to realize the OW or OM wasn't all he/she cracked up to be?

 

Situations are indeed all different. I had no cause to question my actions. Each day proved the correctness of my decision to leave. Five years and counting, I have never regretted my decision for a single moment. My former affair partner, now wife, is indeed "all she was cracked up to be" and much, much more. It was very much the right decision for me, and for my family.

My ex-wife does still occasionally email to suggest I might wish to reconsider, but I no longer even bother to respond.

 

I hope that you are able to make the correct decision for yourself and your own family, whatever that might be.

[carhill]

So for those of you who cheated and moved out, when did you start to question your actions?

 

For myself, it came within MC, long before our official split. I looked her in the eyes and told her what I was doing was inappropriate and I was sorry for the hurt I caused. After that point, seeing no similar contrition at any time from her regarding our marital issues, I processed that inequity and the burgeoning realization shared in the statement below and devolved the feelings of love/attachment/desire for both ladies to a non-romantic level. Essentially, I erased them.

 

When did you start to realize the OW or OM wasn't all he/she cracked up to be?

 

When I realized I was facing the same dynamic with fMW which precipitated my unhealthy choices in our M. Incompatibility at an elemental level. That came about six months after exW and I split and about a year before our D was final. I think the signs were there earlier but I wasn't sufficiently clear on them (MC helped a lot with that) prior.

 

I recall exW asking about fMW during one of our visits to the court, about a month prior to final D, and my response to her was that I hadn't seen fMW in about a year and was very happy to have her out of my life. The court self-help clerk commented that she rarely saw two divorcing spouses together in their space and being so amicable. For myself, at that point, erasure had already occurred and it was simply business. Get it done and move on.

 

MC, in my case, was a pivotal point. Looking back, it all became clear during that time, generally after about eight months into the process. The work there has assisted in far more than romantic relations.

[Confused3232]

Situations are indeed all different. I had no cause to question my actions. Each day proved the correctness of my decision to leave. Five years and counting, I have never regretted my decision for a single moment. My former affair partner, now wife, is indeed "all she was cracked up to be" and much, much more. It was very much the right decision for me, and for my family.

My ex-wife does still occasionally email to suggest I might wish to reconsider, but I no longer even bother to respond.

 

I hope that you are able to make the correct decision for yourself and your own family, whatever that might be.

 

It sounds to me your ex has some real emotional problems and it was healthier for you and your kids to get out. Obviouslty, I don't agree with the way you did it. I want more or less blindsided by the affair. I wouldn't have been in the middle of IVF (for him) if the train was off the tracks. I just think he likes "new and shiney" (the feelings you get when you are first together). He equates that with love.

[Confused3232]

Carhill,

 

Thanks for that. Yes, I believe if issues from the first marriage isn't dealt with, why jump into a second? That's why I wanted to see our marriage through one way or another before he moved on, plus we owed it to our kids. But, I guess he had made his mind up and thought our marriage was doomed (news to me).

 

I am really starting to believe the Maya Angelou quote "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." He is already starting to not see his kids very often (it has been 2 weeks) which is really sad.