lovelifexx Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 My ex boyfriend broke up with me 2.5 months ago, together one year. He had to end it because I am his teacher at uni so we were keeping it a secret. Furthermore, his parents didn't like that we were together since I am older than him so he had to keep it a secret from them. He couldn't take it anymore, he felt so guilty and scared we would get caught. So, I understand why. It was really hard on both of us. He cried when he broke up with me and told me it was killing him to break up with me but he had to do it. I didn't beg or cry or anything. But I am so terribly heartbroken. I see him a few times a week at uni. I act as if Im totally fine and happy and for the most part I am when I am at work. But, he avoids me like the plague. If he sees me he walks in the other direction. He totally avoids eye contact with me. Last week he had to give me my key back, and he totally refused to meet me in person, he said he would put it in my mailbox when I wasn't home. It feels like he wishes I didn't exist. He is 19 and I am his first gf, the first girl he has ever had feelings for. I don't understand. We didn't end badly and I have not tried to get back together with him. Why is he acting like this? It hurts like hell. We shared everything for a year and never fought once. I understand if he doesnt want to be friends, but can't we at least smile and say hi when we walk past eachother? He is just making everything more difficult and awkward. It makes it harder to get over him because I feel even more heartbroken when he acts like this towards me. The few times we have chatted about practical things, i.e. him transeferring money he owes to me he says he has to go as soon as we discuss what needs to be discussed and acts cold. I was thinking of sending him a mail about this telling him how I feel, but I feel it will make things worse. Please don't say that it's not important to know why he acts like this and to just move on. I have always been so kind and patient to him. I just want to know why. I feel as if I have done something wrong. THis is so painful.
Toddbt12y1 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 You didn't do nothing wrong. It seems like a relationship that was running against time. He is only 19; they, at that age, are truly not mature enough to handle relationships. The kind you had, was secretive. If you and he got caught, the consequences to your job and his apparent personal life, could be dire. He may have been wise enough to see this, can't tell you for sure. His ignoring you, and avoiding you, is really out of immaturity(although, most people find it difficult to be friends/friendly towards someone they love.) Sure, you can email him and ask him why? But the consequences are always there. You may love him, I do not know how much older you are than him; but you surely must have realized that this was a race against time. If it eats you up too much; email him and ask. Otherwise no contact; if he wishes so.
Author lovelifexx Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Yes, he was worried about the consequences, so I understand why he broke up. It was starnge though, I found out talking to collegue that this has happened in the past and it's fine as long as you keep it a secret. But that's not what I am having a hard time with. Yes, I love him and wish it didn't have to be this way, but I accept that he can't live with the fear and secrecy. I just don't understand why he is avoiding me the way he is. It just seems to make this break up even more difficult. I mean isn't walking past a person and smiling easier than making the effort to run the other way? He knows that I would never start talking to him at uni. When he does this I feel so terrible when I get home, I can't sleep and get panic attacks all night.
Toddbt12y1 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Three things to consider here: Age. First Relationship. Love/ex. He is only 19, most kids his age do not fully understand love or the working of a relationship. His brain is not fully developed and he is therefore immature. This is his first relationship. I imagine that he doesn't know how he should respond toward you, when he sees you. Sure, he could smile; but his lack of understanding an adult relationship prevents him from being sure too or not. Now, he may love you. But imagine, how hard it is to see someone, be friendly towards someone, or even smile towards someone you really care about...knowing that life as of now is keeping you apart? That is awfully hard to do. It actually makes the feelings worse. You seeing him is unavoidable. It would help if you didn't have too. I understand your desire to know why, but it could be any of this. I usually advise not to email him. But email him or ask him why? It won't hurt this time around. Please, do not feel as if this is your fault: you and him are at different places in life; who knows what the future holds? Ask him. Keep in contact with us, let us know his answers and your feelings. Ls is a great site.
Author lovelifexx Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, I know it has a lot to do with his age and lack of experience. I will think about whether or not I will send him a message. I'll keep you posted if I do...
cavalier99 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Leave the poor kid alone. No email nothing. He seems like he is handling this maturely. He is trying to get over this and stay NC. Don't throw him a breadcrumb to make it more difficult on both of you. It is OVER. Leave it alone. You should also stay NC to get over this. Avoid him like the plague also. Cav 1
Toddbt12y1 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, I know it has a lot to do with his age and lack of experience. I will think about whether or not I will send him a message. I'll keep you posted if I do... Anytime. Use LS anytime you feel low. Plenty of help here. Decide what will ease your conscience.
Author lovelifexx Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Cav, to run run the other way is to handle it maturely? It's not like we ended badly or I broke his heart. It feels like when you say "leave the poor kid alone" that I am giving him a hard time. I have not initiated contact with him at all.
cavalier99 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Cav, to run run the other way is to handle it maturely? It's not like we ended badly or I broke his heart. It feels like when you say "leave the poor kid alone" that I am giving him a hard time. I have not initiated contact with him at all. Listen i don't mean to sound harsh. And i wasn't implying you contacted him. It was more in reference to your desire to reach out. And yes to avoid you is handling it maturely for him. I personally would do a wave. But is that is how he can cope fine. I understand it is uncomfortable but you just need to let it go and stay NC. When he is recovered I'm sure hell be able to give you a smile or wave. Maybe he gets anxiety attacks when he sees you. Who knows? 1
Toddbt12y1 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Cav is somewhat right. Though I do not think you are bothering the Kidd on a daily basis; otherwise you wouldn't be on LS asking if you should even send em an email. The Kidd is smart to use NC...you must soon do that too. Just think if it's worth knowing or not? I am sure whatever you do will not be utterly destructive. 1
Author lovelifexx Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Cav, thanks for explaining. Yeah, I guess maybe it is obvious to you that he is doing NC. I just thought that since he said he really wanted to stay in contact and even sent me a message a week after he broke up with me that he "still wanted to be my best friend". Maybe he didn't think it would feel like this, breaking up. I guess I just assumed that he was fine and had moved on and that this wasn't hard for him since he broke up with me and doesn't seem to miss me. Therefore, I thought that he was avoiding me because he is ashamed of me or upset with me for something. 1
cavalier99 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 (edited) Cav, to run run the other way is to handle it maturely? It's not like we ended badly or I broke his heart. It feels like when you say "leave the poor kid alone" that I am giving him a hard time. I have not initiated contact with him at all. I'm probably you age or older and somewhat "mature" I was with my ex 8 years. If i saw her on the street all she would get from me would be a wave a smile and i would get out of dodge as quickly as possible. I need to protect my recovery. That is most likely what he is doing. Have you read the NC guide and the pinned thread by NO FOOLIN? I hope you feel better. Focus on your recovery not what he does. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366654-caliguy-no-contact-guide-updated#post4510329 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion Edited February 5, 2013 by cavalier99 1
cavalier99 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Cav, thanks for explaining. Yeah, I guess maybe it is obvious to you that he is doing NC. I just thought that since he said he really wanted to stay in contact and even sent me a message a week after he broke up with me that he "still wanted to be my best friend". Maybe he didn't think it would feel like this, breaking up. I guess I just assumed that he was fine and had moved on and that this wasn't hard for him since he broke up with me and doesn't seem to miss me. Therefore, I thought that he was avoiding me because he is ashamed of me or upset with me for something. He isn't ashamed and I'm sure he really loved you and the time you spent together. The thing is he realized to move on he cant be friends and probably sets him back just seeing you...and is probably having a rough time. He may not recover for quite a while. Its just how it works. BU's suck.
Author lovelifexx Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Yeah, I guess because even though it was due to circumstance, I thought that he was totally fine with the break up after a few weeks. He was really distant for a month before he ended it, so I figured he had checked out long before me and already dealt with the heartbreak. Yes, BUs are torture.
cavalier99 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Yeah, I guess because even though it was due to circumstance, I thought that he was totally fine with the break up after a few weeks. He was really distant for a month before he ended it, so I figured he had checked out long before me and already dealt with the heartbreak. Yes, BUs are torture. Well bottom line whether he is hurt or not....The focus need to be on your recovery. You are heartbroken and need to recover. Its tough that you need to see him. So stay NC and avoid temptations to reach out. It will set you back. Just be grateful he is staying NC also. It will make it MUUCH easier to recover. Cav 1
KatZee Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Why has no one said this? You're also his TEACHER. How unprofessional can you be? Your job is to teach students, not using the classroom like a dating service. He's a teenager, and you should be avoiding HIM. I'm not sure how this works around you but it's not a stable environment for a healthy relationship. Always sneaking around, trying to hide it. You're also jeopardizing your career. Be an adult. Move on. Do not contact or email. 1
Author lovelifexx Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 My collegue is married to his former student. They have been together for 13 years now. Obviously, I don't use it as a dating service and he is not a student of mine but at the uni. I work at. I don't know where you are from, but I live in Europe, and I guess it is more liberal here with that. We knew of course that we would have to keep it a secret until he finishes in June. But the problem was more his parents.
stillafool Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Lovelifexx how old are you? I think he is doing to proper thing by moving on and going NC. It is impossible to be "best friends" after a break up. You are not over him and therefore cannot be his friend. If he starts dating another girl can he come to you to talk about his relationship with her without you being hurt? I doubt it but that is what friends do - talk to each other about their love interests. I don't think you are ready for that. I think he is acting mature.
Author lovelifexx Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Im 25. But before you go on about age difference....I'll tell you that my Dad was about 45 years older than my mom, and they were married for 19 years and then my Dad past away. No, you are right. I would not be able to hear about him dating someone else. I don't expect to be friends, I couldn't be his friend now. I just felt so bad that he completely avoids me. Just wanted to be able to smile and say hi if we run into eachother. Just hurts that he can't even look at me. It never dawned on me that he was doing this to get over me. I thought he was totally ok with the break up. I was just worried he was upset with me or something.
geegirl Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Cav, to run run the other way is to handle it maturely? It's not like we ended badly or I broke his heart. It feels like when you say "leave the poor kid alone" that I am giving him a hard time. I have not initiated contact with him at all. You're the adult. The mature thing for you to do would be to leave him alone and respect his decision to cope with the situation the best way he knows how. Please don't email him and complicate the situation and his mental and emotional state. He is enforcing NC as a coping skill rather than a need to hurt you.
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