forgiveandforget Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Today was the day. I finally had enough courage to end the relationship I've been involved in for the last two years. I always thought my A was "different." I was so wrong. What a waste of my time and emotions! I was finally tired of being #2 so I told him we could no longer do what we were doing. His response was "Good. I was going to end it anyways because this has become so routine." That was response was all I needed to realize I was making the right decision for me. I don't know where I go from here. I don't know how to even begin going from talking 24/7 for two straight years, never missing a day, to completely NC, but I do know it desperately needs to happen. I guess the point of my post is to share. I felt like I should get it off of my chest. If you have any advice on how to get through these first few days of NC, that would be very helpful. I'm grateful to know there are others who have gone through and are going through the same things as I am. 3
stevie_23 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Wow, he said that? That it had become routine so he was going to end it? Nice, eh? Lol. You definitely made the right decision I’d say. Good for you!!! He may have been hurt and that’s why he said that, but who knows. You’d think that for 2 years of constant contact that BOTH of you were involved in, he would’ve been fairly happy with that or he’d have stopped it earlier, but who knows how people think, right? In any case, the first few days will be hard, however you know you’ve made the decision that will improve your life. If you are tempted to contact him, ask yourself WHY. Because… It’s your routineIt’s your comfort zoneIt’s your addiction (that you have just had the major courage to break)You had some good times with him So. All of those are valid reasons to miss the good parts of what you had with him, to feel empty without the constant contact, and to want to contact him, however you ALSO know that… You have made this break because you were not entirely happy with that routine or comfort zoneYou have made this break because you no longer want to be addicted to this relationship that is not good for youDespite the fact you obviously got something quite good from the relationship, that does not mean it should continue So if you feel the urge to talk to him, and you ask yourself why, think clearly about your answer. Project yourself into the future. If you talk to him now, what will it do for you? Will it… Make you miss him and see things through rose coloured glasses? If so, you may end up back with him again and you KNOW this will suck because the reasons you had for ending it will still be there AND now he’s said that thing about wanting to end it too, so you will never feel the same way you did before, even if you wanted toMake you feel bad because he doesn’t want to be with you anymore and so now suddenly you’re the one who’s wanting something she can’t have and HE is the one who doesn’t want it? In reality, YOU are the one who was strong enough to end this, so remember that. It doesn’t matter what he said after it was over – he didn’t end it, YOU didMake you feel guilty or pathetic because you waivered in your resolve? Nah, it isn’t a reflection on your strength and it also doesn’t mean you WANT to be back with him again. It’s hard, changing your routine drastically and leaving someone who was such a huge part of your life for so long. Above all, no matter what…the reasons you had for leaving will still exist no matter what you do over the next few days. Try to remember that. And even if you did want to go back to him, it will never be how it was before, and maybe this whole time you’ve been with him, you were hoping for your relationship to be something it wasn’t, and maybe never could be. And now you’re sick of that. 3
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Congrats on finding that courage to end it! GO CELEBRATE and pamper yourself. Call a bunch of good friends, go to a spa day and get massages, facials, pedicures. Enjoy! YOu deserve it. Now is the time to be good to yourself! I was finally tired of being #2 so I told him we could no longer do what we were doing. His response was "Good. I was going to end it anyways because this has become so routine." That was response was all I needed to realize I was making the right decision for me. Bolded part. Hope that really pisses you off! USE that anger to keep you in NC. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion Read this thread, at least the first page. Written by a smart guy who has helped many to stay in NC mode. Hope this helps! Remember, you are free! Free of continuous pain, free of that roller coaster ride. Free of lying and hiding your A, free of helping this MM cheat and betray his wife. FREE to do as you please and not live your life second fiddle to someone else. 4
Realist3 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 His response was "Good. I was going to end it anyways because this has become so routine." Probably not the most artful way of putting it, but I don't think that is an uncommon feeling for someone to have. All relationships take work, and an affair takes more work by its very nature. Over a period of time and or years a routineness develops. A lot of affairs just fizzle out because they become routine. It is hard to keep the level of excitement that the A started with. While mine is anything but routine, I'm actually a bit tired of the roller coaster 'routine' she exhibits to keep herself grounded. So, I wouldn't necessarily take his words as a slight. Perhaps he just needs a break, and the presssure of maintaining two relationships was wearing on him. Whether you consider it a waste is up to you. Maybe you didn't get the end result you had hoped for. But you evidently had enough good times for it to last two years. Take it for what it was, a period in your life. 2
stevie_23 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Probably not the most artful way of putting it, but I don't think that is an uncommon feeling for someone to have. All relationships take work, and an affair takes more work by its very nature. Over a period of time and or years a routineness develops. A lot of affairs just fizzle out because they become routine. It is hard to keep the level of excitement that the A started with. While mine is anything but routine, I'm actually a bit tired of the roller coaster 'routine' she exhibits to keep herself grounded. So, I wouldn't necessarily take his words as a slight. Perhaps he just needs a break, and the presssure of maintaining two relationships was wearing on him. Whether you consider it a waste is up to you. Maybe you didn't get the end result you had hoped for. But you evidently had enough good times for it to last two years. Take it for what it was, a period in your life. I love this post.
CautionaryTale Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Good for you, time to reward yourself with some pamper time. I was not an A, I was the BS going NC. It's all the same though. Go out with friends, buy something you've been looking at for a while, find a new hobby, go to a movie... My journal came in very handy the first few days. They were the hardest, every time I wanted to pick up the phone I pulled out the paper and pen. Wrote down all my reasons for leaving and staying NC, wrote down all the reasons why I don't love him anymore, all the things I don't like about him... I would write until my hand cramped then tore the pages up and threw them away. Take his words with a grain of salt. There's an INCREDIBLY SLIM chance he meant what he said but, I think it was his ego talking. he's pretty accustomed to you accepting that you're #2 and being treated as such. He wasn't expecting you to be the one to go. Keep your chin up, you did the right thing and hold strong. Just keep reminding yourself how amazing it will feel to be someone's first choice. How great it will be to never have to look over your shoulder, to be able to call someone WHENEVER you please. You get a fresh start. You get a chance at a fulfilling relationship. He has to go back to what he's screwed up and is unwilling to fix or leave. He's not happy, and he's not happy that you will be. Thus the bitterness and poison he spewed when you told him. Be proud of yourself. 3
stevie_23 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Amen to that. I have sort of “replaced” my ex-MM with total junk food consumption every night as well as cigarettes. 1
spice4life Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Amen to that. I have sort of “replaced” my ex-MM with total junk food consumption every night as well as cigarettes. Hahaha!!! I love reading your posts. Cautionarytale, you are awesome! Thank you for being supportive to the OW's who are trying realize that they DO deserve more. Forgiveandforget, stay strong and post here when you feel weak and want to reach out to him. It will get better with time. And most importantly, focus on YOU being the one to fill the void inside that he filled for you. Once you do that, you will find yourself in a much better place. One that is better than ever before! Good luck. 1
GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 While mine is anything but routine, I'm actually a bit tired of the roller coaster 'routine' she exhibits to keep herself grounded. Can I ask what you mean by this? Just curious.
Author forgiveandforget Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Thank you all for your kind words and helpful advice. This morning I feel very encouraged to start this new chapter in my life, and I owe most of that to you all.
Nicsav4 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I could benefit from some advice too. I have tried going NC after a 5 1/2 year A. Not been successful so far. I keep initiating contact. Ugh. Trying to date. Not working either. Ugh. Help!
Realist3 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Can I ask what you mean by this? Just curious. Sure. My MOW has trouble keeping her emotions about our affair from showing to her H and family. The way that manifests itself between us is an intensity that lasts for several weeks followed by a sharp decrease. Most times I can tell exactly when she feels she has to pull back. This has been an ongoing cycle ever since we got involved. The last two months were very intense and I was a little shocked how long it lasted. She was pushing it further. I even mentioned it in a thread last week. But as per usual she withdrew this past weekend. Not ever a NC, just less involvement. She has to keep her thing good at home and I realize that, but at the same time that 'routine' of ups and downs messes with my emotions.
Journee Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Amen to that. I have sort of “replaced” my ex-MM with total junk food consumption every night as well as cigarettes. Gah! Me too Stevie. I'm a BS but have been grabbing a frozen almond Snickers whenever I'm feeling very stressed. I'm convinced that chocolate is responsible for my beautiful brown complexion lol. Could be worse I suppose. There are worse things to medicate with than chocolate. OP, congrats! Great advice here. Stay strong and know that you deserve to be number one. You are special. You are unique. You are worth it.
stevie_23 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Gah! Me too Stevie. I'm a BS but have been grabbing a frozen almond Snickers whenever I'm feeling very stressed. I'm convinced that chocolate is responsible for my beautiful brown complexion lol. Could be worse I suppose. There are worse things to medicate with than chocolate. Heheh! My nightly snack consists of a pack of peanut M & Ms, a chocolate covered marshmallow biscuit, a lemon tart, a pack of Doritos, 2 other chocolate cookies, and another chocolate bar. And a tall glass of water with a squeeze of lemon in it. How I am not morbidly obese, I do not know. lol
snowfun Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Sure. My MOW has trouble keeping her emotions about our affair from showing to her H and family. The way that manifests itself between us is an intensity that lasts for several weeks followed by a sharp decrease. Most times I can tell exactly when she feels she has to pull back. This has been an ongoing cycle ever since we got involved. The last two months were very intense and I was a little shocked how long it lasted. She was pushing it further. I even mentioned it in a thread last week. But as per usual she withdrew this past weekend. Not ever a NC, just less involvement. She has to keep her thing good at home and I realize that, but at the same time that 'routine' of ups and downs messes with my emotions. My MOW did the exact same thing. I could tell immediately when it was about to happen. It could be up to three or four months of intensity and the next day it's as if it never happened. I can totally empathise with your messed up emotions. Each dips hurts more than the previous one and I'd always think "I can't take another". Then the intensity would come back and I'd forget all about the dip. Had this continued indefinitely I do think I would have ended it myself, eventually. It was getting too much to take.
Realist3 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 My MOW did the exact same thing. I could tell immediately when it was about to happen. It could be up to three or four months of intensity and the next day it's as if it never happened. I can totally empathise with your messed up emotions. Each dips hurts more than the previous one and I'd always think "I can't take another". Then the intensity would come back and I'd forget all about the dip. Had this continued indefinitely I do think I would have ended it myself, eventually. It was getting too much to take. Exactly. I just got tired of that ride for the time being. A few years of it was enough for right now. I know why it takes place, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating.
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