ptp Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 I was talking to a married friend of mine who told me he was rejected by his wife 3 times before she said yes. Two and a half years later they are happily married. I am the type of guy who will drop a girl at the first sign of disinterest. So what are the signs that a guy can be persistent and when does a "No" mean that there is no chance of a relationship ever? Signs I am clear on: If she tazes you or pepper sprays your eyes --> probably a "No" forever. Calls the cops on you --> a more definitive "No" Restraining order --> a definite "No" forever. So when are the times you said "No" to someone but later changed your mind and why?
Fondue Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 I've always had a solid belief in the following: If she isn't interested in you, then she will never be. Even if that changes, why should I bust my balls chasing after someone who has no interest in me? I'm not about to stroke their ego. If they don't like me, then that's that. I will not accept the friendzone, nor will I continue to hope she changes her mind. This is especially relevant today. You look like a creep/desperate/loser, etc. Back in the day, it was more or less accepted to chase the object of your desire. It was "romantic." Now you're just a creep. 2
Author ptp Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 I've always had a solid belief in the following: If she isn't interested in you, then she will never be. Even if that changes, why should I bust my balls chasing after someone who has no interest in me? I'm not about to stroke their ego. If they don't like me, then that's that. I will not accept the friendzone, nor will I continue to hope she changes her mind. This is especially relevant today. You look like a creep/desperate/loser, etc. Back in the day, it was more or less accepted to chase the object of your desire. It was "romantic." Now you're just a creep. Yea you explained my feelings on the matter better than I could. I am exactly like you however, it seems like sometimes being persistent works so I am confused.
iris219 Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/371538-give-me-some-chasing-stories See the above thread. Generally, I would say there has to be some interest or some attraction, or a no will always be a no.
StanMusial Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 I've always had a solid belief in the following: If she isn't interested in you, then she will never be. Even if that changes, why should I bust my balls chasing after someone who has no interest in me? I'm not about to stroke their ego. If they don't like me, then that's that. I will not accept the friendzone, nor will I continue to hope she changes her mind. This is especially relevant today. You look like a creep/desperate/loser, etc. Back in the day, it was more or less accepted to chase the object of your desire. It was "romantic." Now you're just a creep. I would have to agree with this. I don't why things have changed, I guess it's the changing gender roles. I don't mind approaching and trying to get with a girl, but if she rejects me outright or flakes later on I tend to cut my losses... if she doesn't like you she could accuse you of being a stalker or something.
xxoo Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 As long as you and she are enjoying the interaction, have fun with it. If she seems irritated or uncomfortable, stop. If it is taking a toll on you, stop. 1
Estate Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 I was talking to a married friend of mine who told me he was rejected by his wife 3 times before she said yes. Two and a half years later they are happily married. I am the type of guy who will drop a girl at the first sign of disinterest. So what are the signs that a guy can be persistent and when does a "No" mean that there is no chance of a relationship ever? Signs I am clear on: If she tazes you or pepper sprays your eyes --> probably a "No" forever. Calls the cops on you --> a more definitive "No" Restraining order --> a definite "No" forever. So when are the times you said "No" to someone but later changed your mind and why? To be honest, you "just know"... there's no hard rules to it. If a girl rejects you but is still kinda flirty or hangs around, she might just be challenging you and you need to up your game a little, maybe she's open to it but not sure. It's worth a go to try here.... don't keep begging for a date though... instead try to demonstrate you are a quality guy. If she rejects you and is cold or forceful about it, don't push it, she's not interested. I know that's vague but its the closest to a rule there is. 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 My rule is any "no" is treated as a "forever no". If it's a ridiculous excuse like "I have to make a sandwich", or "I have to clean that day" or "I have to wash my hair", I write you off forever. Everything else is a case by case basis. But under no circumstances will I ask more than twice. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. 2
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 I was talking to a married friend of mine who told me he was rejected by his wife 3 times before she said yes. Two and a half years later they are happily married. I am the type of guy who will drop a girl at the first sign of disinterest. So what are the signs that a guy can be persistent and when does a "No" mean that there is no chance of a relationship ever? Signs I am clear on: If she tazes you or pepper sprays your eyes --> probably a "No" forever. Calls the cops on you --> a more definitive "No" Restraining order --> a definite "No" forever. So when are the times you said "No" to someone but later changed your mind and why? Bolded. Me too. One of the women I dated told me she wasn't attracted at first, but I didn't really have to chase her. We were already making out by the second date. So, that one was a bit weird. I fell for a woman really hard a while back and she said no. She gave me some signs that she wanted me to chase, but I didn't even though I really wanted to. That is probably the only scenario in which I would chase a woman, when I have some emotional attachment to her. And since I'll never allow myself to get emotionally attached to any woman I'm not dating for the rest of my life, I'll never have to worry about chasing.
gaius Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 I've always had a solid belief in the following: If she isn't interested in you, then she will never be. Even if that changes, why should I bust my balls chasing after someone who has no interest in me? I'm not about to stroke their ego. If they don't like me, then that's that. I will not accept the friendzone, nor will I continue to hope she changes her mind. This is especially relevant today. You look like a creep/desperate/loser, etc. Back in the day, it was more or less accepted to chase the object of your desire. It was "romantic." Now you're just a creep. You're assuming that because she says no, she has no interest in you. Which is a common mistake a lot of guys make. You have low confidence so your mind jumps right to the conclusion you believe when told no. That she find's you undesirable because you find yourself undesirable. In reality there are a ton of reasons women might not go for you right away even if they do like you on some level. Too numerous to list here but persisting is a good way to bust through those barriers. Women are often very turned on by a guy who's willing to do that, who shows she can't dent his self confidence. That he's the stronger force in the relationship. You would be surprised how often it works as long as you aren't douchey about it. Creep/Douche behavior = Sending ten texts in a row when she isn't replying. Asking her out a fifth time after she didn't show up the first four. Giving more communication than you're getting. Anything along those lines. Correct behavior = Ignoring her if she ignores you. Giving her the impression you want to sleep with her whenever you're talking. But not taking **** and not allowing her to dictate the terms of the relationship. I'm betting the guy in ptps story never lost the respect of the woman he was after by acting douchey, so she eventually came around and he got what he wanted. 3
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 I don't know. I don't often have the time to wait around for some girl to change her mind or decode whether her "no" is just a "maybe eventually" in disguise. If she's not mature enough to state her mind, why should I trust she'd be mature in a relationship? Maybe if I was interested in sex only I'd keep her around on the backburner, but that's not me so I'll pass...
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 (edited) You're assuming that because she says no, she has no interest in you. Which is a common mistake a lot of guys make. You have low confidence so your mind jumps right to the conclusion you believe when told no. That she find's you undesirable because you find yourself undesirable. In reality there are a ton of reasons women might not go for you right away even if they do like you on some level. Too numerous to list here but persisting is a good way to bust through those barriers. Women are often very turned on by a guy who's willing to do that, who shows she can't dent his self confidence. That he's the stronger force in the relationship. You would be surprised how often it works as long as you aren't douchey about it. I do agree a lot of women think like this. They want average men to try and win them over. To show them they are the best of the lot so to speak. I don't think average looking women should have to be chased by average men. Women who are perhaps 8 or above, yes maybe. But I don't care that much about looks. So I won't do that. What's funny is that I have Facebook open in another window and one of my Facebook friends has for the past few weeks posted updates of him hanging out with this gal who is pretty cute, but not stunning, maybe a 7.5. I almost guarantee he's 'chasing' her. Edited February 3, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember
xxoo Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 I don't know. I don't often have the time to wait around for some girl to change her mind or decode whether her "no" is just a "maybe eventually" in disguise. If she's not mature enough to state her mind, why should I trust she'd be mature in a relationship? Maybe if I was interested in sex only I'd keep her around on the backburner, but that's not me so I'll pass... When this happens, no one is sitting around waiting. THe guy is living his life, flirting with and dating other women, having fun enjoying this woman's company when he gets the chance (not pining in misery).
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 When this happens, no one is sitting around waiting. THe guy is living his life, flirting with and dating other women, having fun enjoying this woman's company when he gets the chance (not pining in misery). Well, usually for me I just go no contact with a woman who gives me a "no". One girl told me she had to clean her room instead of going to lunch with me. Another said she had to check her work schedule. Just to give two examples. I didn't bother asking again. I don't have time to bother talking to someone who has made it clear they weren't interested. Not even small chit chat I won't do...I just ignore them.
Feelin Frisky Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 There's no etched-in-stone rule because life is fluid. For example, I was at a bar once with a friend who owned the bar across the street. We were HS biddies and used to go to the quieter place to catch up. There were some hotties down the other end of the bar. My friend kinda dared me and I felt like I needed to just try to see if I could schmooze my way into the company of three females--I had the looks at the time but still had the nervousness of having been ridiculed as a child for my weight. So anyway right away the prettiest one says "I have a boy friend" which means don't even bother. But I said "why am I not surprised?" But I the smiled and moved off from the bunch. The following Monday I got on the subway--where I lived was the end of a line and it was always easy to get a seat. I had a newspaper. Noticed a pretty girl and sat sorta across from her. When I looked up it was the one who said she had a boyfriend at the bar the previous Friday" I smiled, and said "still have a boy friend?" She said "sorta". She could see me dressed totally differently--double-breasted blue pinstripe suit, oxford shirt, Fendi tie, maroon Italian shoes. NY Times--not the Post or Daily News. I saw her reaction as a crack in the armor. Then with another encounter we got to speaking, and eventually, some action. This is all just to say that if you don't really mess up the firt time and get to encounter the same girl at other times, where she can see you in a better light, there may be hope. Just don't come off like you're entitled and instead put her in the position of wondering if she was hasty. Just don't act like a neurotic dweeb.
pbjbear Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 It depends on the context Alot of stories I hear like this are when a guy and girl are friends...a guy friend who holds a torch for a girl hes friends with isnt creepy or a stalker in my opinion
truth_seeker Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 To be honest, you "just know"... there's no hard rules to it. If a girl rejects you but is still kinda flirty or hangs around, she might just be challenging you and you need to up your game a little, maybe she's open to it but not sure. It's worth a go to try here.... don't keep begging for a date though... instead try to demonstrate you are a quality guy. If she rejects you and is cold or forceful about it, don't push it, she's not interested. I know that's vague but its the closest to a rule there is. I agree with this. It's that gut feeling of knowing and also when a woman gives you the "look". There could be many reasons why she turns you down but at the same time likes you: in a relationship, recently got out of a relationship, not sure of you and your true intentions. The best course of action would be to stay on her radar and be friends. Not be in a friend zone, but something platonic until she's single or comfortable enough to want to date you.
Fondue Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 You're assuming that because she says no, she has no interest in you. Which is a common mistake a lot of guys make. You have low confidence so your mind jumps right to the conclusion you believe when told no. That she find's you undesirable because you find yourself undesirable. In reality there are a ton of reasons women might not go for you right away even if they do like you on some level. Too numerous to list here but persisting is a good way to bust through those barriers. Women are often very turned on by a guy who's willing to do that, who shows she can't dent his self confidence. That he's the stronger force in the relationship. You would be surprised how often it works as long as you aren't douchey about it. Creep/Douche behavior = Sending ten texts in a row when she isn't replying. Asking her out a fifth time after she didn't show up the first four. Giving more communication than you're getting. Anything along those lines. Correct behavior = Ignoring her if she ignores you. Giving her the impression you want to sleep with her whenever you're talking. But not taking **** and not allowing her to dictate the terms of the relationship. I'm betting the guy in ptps story never lost the respect of the woman he was after by acting douchey, so she eventually came around and he got what he wanted. Thanks for the reply. I do not have time to wait around and pursue a woman that wants to have her "barriers broken." To me, this seems like an ego stroke. I know women enjoy being chased/pursued, as it makes them feel wanted/sexy/attractive/etc. I find this sort of attitude childish, really. It seems incredibly narcissistic to behave this way. If a woman is blue-balling me and trying to play cat/mouse, I will not participate. I would rather find a woman who is more suitable and receptive to advances, a mature woman. I don't think that is a confidence issue.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Correct behavior = Ignoring her if she ignores you. Giving her the impression you want to sleep with her whenever you're talking. But not taking **** and not allowing her to dictate the terms of the relationship. I'm betting the guy in ptps story never lost the respect of the woman he was after by acting douchey, so she eventually came around and he got what he wanted. You don't say....very interesting..Do share more of your secrets Gaius. 1
TheZebra Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 When I say "No" it means "I do not want to date you". Is it possible that in the future my mind may change? Sure. Attraction can change over time. Does it mean that you can continue hitting on me, calling me, and texting me asking me out? No, because it won't work. If my mind changes, it'll change on its own, not because you're pestering me.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 When I say "No" it means "I do not want to date you". Is it possible that in the future my mind may change? Sure. Attraction can change over time. Does it mean that you can continue hitting on me, calling me, and texting me asking me out? No, because it won't work. If my mind changes, it'll change on its own, not because you're pestering me. How is the guy supposed to know if your mind has changed if he dosen't ask, and you don't tell him?
Ruby Slippers Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Right or wrong, about half of my relationships began with repeated attempts on the guy's part to get me to agree even to a first date. It's true that a woman can have many reasons for resisting that have nothing to do with what she thinks of that particular guy. I think it pays to be persistent if you really like a woman. You lose nothing through persistence, and stand to gain a lot. 1
ltjg45 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 So I guessing keeping in touch with the 1st female I ever had a crush on despite she telling me that I have no chance to be with her was actually a wise decision after all? And to think I knew nothing about this and I was merely letting my desire to be with her be too much to accept being turned down..... Interesting. Interesting indeed. At this moment, we are close friends and we keep in touch quite often. Despite she's 35 and just became a grandmother, she is still just as good-looking as I initially first met her.
Fondue Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Right or wrong, about half of my relationships began with repeated attempts on the guy's part to get me to agree even to a first date. It's true that a woman can have many reasons for resisting that have nothing to do with what she thinks of that particular guy. I think it pays to be persistent if you really like a woman. You lose nothing through persistence, and stand to gain a lot. Except you know, dignity and respect. How often is persistence mistaken for creepy/clingy/desperate behavior? Very often. If I was being persistent and chasing a woman whom gave me no interest, I would no tonly look like a loser, but she'll probably tell her friends and my social status will be diminished. If she isn't giving me interest, then I NEXT her immediately. "Ain't nobody got time fo dat."
Els Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 IMO if she says 'no', then it's best to move on. But this only applies if she had actually said 'no'. Doesn't apply if you hadn't even asked her out to begin with, eh?
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