woinlove Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) My twins are 5 months old, so no need to tell them. We haven't discussed visitation - sugestions? Wow, 5 month old twins. So sorry your H doesn't have what it takes to be a loving H and father. If he ever matures (he may or may not, that is up to him), he will have to look back on this time with absolute horror at how he behaved. Take good care of yourself and your babies and I hope you get lots of help and support from other family and friends. Edited January 31, 2013 by woinlove 1
Decorative Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 So for you it is about meeting out consequences? Conseguences that go beyond your relationship with the WS? The only consequence that matters is that you are no longer together. Running around telling everyone how you were wronged serves no purpose except to gain sympathy, and to damage the WS. Please stop. Please. We have an OP who is struggling, and your continued comments are belittling her very real trauma. So stop. 2
jwi71 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I have to be honest, I don't think he will be a guy who figures this out and tries to come back. He's confused - just as you are. One moment its gear up war you bitch - I'll take the house, kids and ride manically off into the sunset OW in smug tow. Then walks it back. He seems to always think he is right. He fully believes he has met his soulmate and he doesn't love me. I am just in his way. Funny thing is, I doubt him and his soulmate will ever make it, she hasn't even left her husband yet. Par for the course. Its NOT real for him yet. Its one thing to say it and altogether DIFFERENT to DO it - to LIVE it. To FACE it. I would not at all be surprised if he comes back. Question is...what will you do? I just don't want that woman in my babies lives. Let this go. You have NO power or control over this. You can't forbid him from the OW nor can you forbid the OW from the kids - he can - and perhaps will involve her in their lives. Right now accept it. You cannot control how he behaves and interacts with HIS daughters when he has them. To make this a point of contention is slow insanity. Prepare yourself for it. And, no, its NOT forever ruinous to your children. With this 180 process, are there usual stumbling points that I can expect? Or better yet, how did each of you stay strong through this??? 180 is bullcrap. My opinion. You be YOU for YOU - not to "show him what he is missing". Egads - junior high I swear. I DO agree change is good - but do it for you - not to show the WS what he's missing/losing. He already knows - heck you were married. /end rant Here's how you stay strong. Or how I did anyway: Identify what YOU CAN CONTROL. If you can't - pay it no mind. Let the past go - the M is over and holding on to what-if is pointless - the future is in front of you not behind you. Consider the possibility, if required and appropriate, of meeting the OW and having a woman-to-woman talk on YOUR kids. Hate it all you like - but its possible she becomes step-mom (its not terribly likely though) and raises your daughters at least part time. Don't stay strong. Break down and cry and be gawd-awful wreck. Don't hide it or bottle because its strong. That's not strong its stupid. Cricle friend and family around you. Do NOT bad mouth your stbxh in front of your kids. Do NOT use kids as a pawn - you may hate your stbxh but the girls LOVE THEIR FATHER. Remember that - let it guide you. You may miss your girls half the time, your stbxh may miss the girls half the time - but the girls are missing someone ALL the time. Your KIDS WILL adjust and return to the hellions they normally are. I mean angels. Freudian slip. Or projection. Take your pick. Therapy for ALL NOW. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. One step at a time. Learn and adjust and be flexible as everyone will to your new life.
woinlove Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 He may have met his soulmate, who knows? Chances of that are close to zero. The caseof men who cheat just as they become new fathers has everything to do with something inside themselves. Very little to do with "soul mates". What a waste to bring twins into the world in such a deceptive and cruel manner. Confused3232, good for you for taking care of yourself and your babies. Surround yourself with people that help you heal. 3
bentnotbroken Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 So for you it is about meeting out consequences? Conseguences that go beyond your relationship with the WS? The only consequence that matters is that you are no longer together. Running around telling everyone how you were wronged serves no purpose except to gain sympathy, and to damage the WS. So what's a little more damage to an already jacked up package?
Realist3 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Chances of that are close to zero. The caseof men who cheat just as they become new fathers has everything to do with something inside themselves. Very little to do with "soul mates". What a waste to bring twins into the world in such a deceptive and cruel manner. Confused3232, good for you for taking care of yourself and your babies. Surround yourself with people that help you heal. The chances may be zero, but that is no concern of hers at this point. She now has the opportunity to move on to better things.
Realist3 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Please stop. Please. We have an OP who is struggling, and your continued comments are belittling her very real trauma. So stop. Yes, it should stop. Why aren't you saying that to others who are keeping it going?
Spark1111 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 So for you it is about meeting out consequences? Conseguences that go beyond your relationship with the WS? The only consequence that matters is that you are no longer together. Running around telling everyone how you were wronged serves no purpose except to gain sympathy, and to damage the WS. OMG!!! Yes! Tell the world. If there is anyone more deserving of SYMPATHY than a betrayed mother of five-month old twins, I for the life of me can't think of it now! She needs all the help, support, sympathy, empathy, kindness and respect from ANY corner of her world where it can be found. The WS is already damaged. He is so damaged he is trying to hurt and punish her STILL. He is having her feel like it is ALL HER FAULT. Now that he can have his one true soulmate, now that he is free, he STILL is trying to punish her. That's damaged in my book. Confused, you take care of yourself and those babies. 2
Realist3 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I was not talking specifically about the OP with that statement. [/clue] Everyone feels bad for the OP, she is in a terrible position.
Realist3 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Nothing she does to the WS at this point will help her. Nothing. Unfortunately, she has been dealt with a very difficult situation, but how it moves forward is on her now. She is the one that will make the best of it.
Spark1111 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 AND WE ARE TOGETHER, happily reconciled for 6 years now. He adores me and calls the affair the worst mistake of his life and would like to wish it away into a cornfield for all etermity.
Spark1111 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Confused, get that fierce, bold, amazing woman that you are BACK! We are rooting for you! 3
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Thanks everyone - when ever I feel weak, I just read some of your posts and it really helps. I was hoping he would wake up this morning and come to his senses, but he was just still mad and kept telling me he wouldn't go to one of our best friend's weddings with me that is happening in 3 weeks. I have to admit, it would be really hard going alone. Maybe he just truly doesn't love me anymore and is willing to throw away this marriage. He just seems to hate me so much and all I have done for him was to try and be his friend through this...well, I guess that sure doesn't work. I am going to turn in our mediation papers today and file. When I look at the faces of our little twin girls, I want to die. How can he not feel the same???? People do not change until they suffer consquences. He needs to see what life is like without you in it. To not be around his children nightly, be a part of the family unit. Right now he is in a fog and is only thinking of himself and what his desires are. Or maybe he did fall out of love.. time will tell. But you need to go on with your life, begin your healing and grieving process. He may regret this all one day...But he better step up to bat and still be a good father to his children. (mentioned this before) Make it clear to him that the OW is to be NO WHERE near your children! 1
turnera Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I have to be honest, I don't think he will be a guy who figures this out and tries to come back. He seems to always think he is right. He fully believes he has met his soulmate and he doesn't love me. I am just in his way. Then it's time to celebrate! You're free of a douchebag and now will have the freedom to - after you've done some work on your picker - go out and meet some real gentlemen who know what a commitment really means and how to treat a woman with respect. Congratulations. 1
eleanorrigby Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) No matter what, stay on course with your 180/planned interaction with your spouse. If you stick to it like you would a diet before a class reunion, you will start to feel better and stronger. The 180 is working on you just as much as it is working on your spouse. Every time you stop yourself from getting drawn into a pointless conversation or fight, you will feel stronger. Each time you resist the urge to call him and try to talk about "old times" "what happened to us?" you will feel stronger and less confused. Edited January 31, 2013 by eleanorrigby 3
Author Confused3232 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Thanks everyone. All of your words and thoughts help me try and keep one foot moving ahead of the other. I just dropped off our papers with the lawyer, I must of sat in the parking lot for 15 minutes to get the nerve to do it. I keep thinking after all this man has done to me, why in the world do I still love him? And what is wrong with me that I do? Maybe it isn't as much him, but the thought of being alone that is scaring the dickens out of me. I will be the one single friend out of all my friends. And on top of it, I will be single with 5 month old twins. I mean, even if he did fall out of love with me, how dare he not work is butt off to get that back! How dare he not break off this stupid relationship with a low integrity woman and focus on the commitment he made to me and our daughters. This isn't the life I want for myself. Why can't he just put someone else ahead of himself for once? The man was madly in love with me. He moved from another country to start a life with me. I endured three rounds of IVF to give him children...not one, but two little twin miracles. I beat cancer with him. I worked my butt off to save our two babies that we almost lost to twin to twin transfusion syndrome...while he screwed someone else. I mean hell, I lost my beloved dog only three weeks ago unexpectedly, why can he not be there for me? I don't understand how he can look himself in the mirror each day knowing how badly he has treated me. And now after everything and I try to move forward with my life, he still manipulates me and makes me feel guilty. How does anyone do this to another person? I couldn't do this to my worse enemy!
Author Confused3232 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Jwi71 Thank you for your amazing comments. I don't know what I would do if he came back. I think it depends on the terms and how much time has passed. The more time passes, the less likely I would be to entertain the idea. I have an IC appointment on Tuesday, I think it will be really good for me. I don't think I want to speak to the OW. She hasn't even approached the topic of divorce with her husband, so I don't see her on my radar right now being around my kids. Plus, he won't be taking them out of my home anytime soon, it is just too hard with one person. He can come visit them at my house. I am going to try and keep myself busy with work, house hunting and my beautiful twins. Once he is out of my house, it will be a lot easier.
Realist3 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 That rips my heart apart. So sorry you are having to deal with all of this. 2
Author Confused3232 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Confused, get that fierce, bold, amazing woman that you are BACK! We are rooting for you! Awww! You are the best. And you are right. I may need to get that tattooed on my forehead Your insight has been amazing. Someday I promise to help others like you are doing here, it really does make the hurt more manageable. 3
Author Confused3232 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 No matter what, stay on course with your 180/planned interaction with your spouse. If you stick to it like you would a diet before a class reunion, you will start to feel better and stronger. The 180 is working on you just as much as it is working on your spouse. Every time you stop yourself from getting drawn into a pointless conversation or fight, you will feel stronger. Each time you resist the urge to call him and try to talk about "old times" "what happened to us?" you will feel stronger and less confused. You are right, I stopped myself this afternoon. I texted him to see if he could do the morning shift with the twins (be there until our daycare person arrives) on Monday. I have to be in another city early for work. He work back "I could, but I might not be living there." I mean what is that? I think he is just testing me to see if I am serious. Well, I am! 3
bentnotbroken Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You are right, I stopped myself this afternoon. I texted him to see if he could do the morning shift with the twins (be there until our daycare person arrives) on Monday. I have to be in another city early for work. He work back "I could, but I might not be living there." I mean what is that? I think he is just testing me to see if I am serious. Well, I am! It might be prudent for you let him know you will be saving all communication for your lawyer and that those things might effect custody. Talk with your lawyer to see the best coarse of action. But do not engage his temper tantrum. You are on your way to a healthier you and a healthier mom. 2
BetrayedH Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) There is nothing wrong with you for still loving him. You have a long history of that. You had a plan to be together forever. That's not at all easy to let go. Hell, being together was your direction in life. Everything was probably built around that. Again, not easy to let go of that. I think what you have to realize is that the person you love(d) doesn't exist. You're in love with an image that isn't accurate. He's shown you who he is. I hate to quote Oprah, but she says something to the effect of, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. As for child custody/visitation, I think it is best for you to assume (what you probably perceive as) the worst case scenario and that would be 50/50 custody. I may get some flak here but my opinion is that regardless of how much of an asshat he might be, those are his children and he has a right to have custody of them 50% of the time until a judge determines otherwise. He's not a demonstrable harm to the children; his issues are with you. I think this is the most healthy perspective from which to view it. I don't know if he'll want 50/50 custody. Maybe he'll be ok with just occassional visitation. In the short term, I would do whatever you can to accomodate his custody interests up to 50%. Don't deny him the right to spend equal time with them. I would recommend asking him to propose a time sharing schedule that works for both of you and come to an agreement. This is not to say that you shouldn't fight for greater than 50/50 custody. Hell, go for it if you want it. I wouldn't blame you at all. But it will take a good while before you have this legally settled. Step up and do the right thing and that means doing what is best for the children (which is typically equal time with each parent). As for the legal side, your atty needs to tell you how things work in your state. Most states are "no fault" states which means they couldn't care less who was at fault in the divorce. They focus on equal time sharing, and equal splitting of the assets and liabilities. His infidelity may not matter at all. Some states are no fault but still allow a judge to consider infidelity when they make decisions on alimony, child support, and custody. Some states (13 of them, last I heard around here) are "at fault" which means his infidelity could cost him dearly in terms of custody, support, and alimony. One thing that can make it interesting is that judges will typically only care about what's best for the kids. If you have a precedent set that a certain process is working for them, they will be unlikely to want to change it. What else is interesting is that if you get a greater amount of custody, your H will likely have to pay more to you for child support (because you have to provide more meals, etc). It becomes a bit of a double-whammy for fathers who lose custody because they lose the kids and they pay heavily financially as well. In my case, I set a good precedent of having the kids 50/50 before the divorce, won 50/50 custody during it, and my wife pays me a small amount of child support since she had a slightly higher income. My wife was pissed. But she brought it on herself and I wasn't losing my kids any more than 50% of the time. And I sure as hell wasn't going to pay her to have them. Your H may seriously change his tune when he realizes that you having more custody means he pays more financially. You need your attorney to advise you on what to do in the short-term and what to realistically expect in the long term. Edited January 31, 2013 by BetrayedH 3
Author Confused3232 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Thanks so much on the conversation regarding custody. I live in a no fault state (dang). The one thing we agree on is how we would handle the babies. Because they are so young, most courts in my state would give the mother primary placement (he would get secondary which means 92 or less days a year). We would do 50/50 custody for decision making. He understand that primary placement means full child support to me, but we both agree that babies should not be shuffled back and forth between homes. Besides his 92 days, I would be flexible with when he wants to see the girls. I hope he continues to sing this tune. I don't think I could do 50/50 placement. I would rather just not get a divorce. My babies mean the world to me and frankly I can handle them a bit better, let's be honest twins are a lot of work.
SidLyon Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 ... I endured three rounds of IVF to give him children...not one, but two little twin miracles. I beat cancer with him. I worked my butt off to save our two babies that we almost lost to twin to twin transfusion syndrome......! I thought I would just comment on this. Are your girls identical twins; because I always understood that T2T transfusion only occurred in identical twins? See: Twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome - PubMed Health I also was led to believe that it's virtually impossible to get identical twins from IVF as the egg/embryo that is in the process of splitting is rejected by the doctors for implantation as it looks abnormal. Perhaps there have been medical advances that allow for this these days. I am so sorry for what you're going through. I didn't have to do the 180 after d-day as my H stopped the A very quickly of his own accord. I don't know if I'd have had the strength to as I was so crushed.
turnera Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Once you are legally separated (or maybe you have to wait til divorced), you should be able to get some sort of county or city or even federal assistance, to help with at least a part-time helper or day care, because you need to make sure you get at least SOME time off, so you don't burn out. Your babies need it.
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