Complicated affair

[Brian1]

Or maybe it's just Brian's story, putting the mother in a bad light to gain sympathy here. His story has certainly flipped flopped here. I ain't buying most of his story. He's hot and cold on not only his relationship with his wife, but that of the OW. Every few days, it changes. He initially painted the OW as a wonderful mother, now has changed his tune, painting her as the bad guy. There is a bad guy in this story. Him.

 

You're right, I have flip flopped often in the last 6 weeks with my two relationships. My OW was a wonderful mother until January. I think she still is, when she's with my daughter. The problem is that she's away from her more than she should be.

[Brian1]

He's in this mess because he's living a secret life. If he came clean then he could be out in the open and take care of his daughter. He would have options instead of this cloak and daggar stuff. His daughter wouldn't be abandoned then and she could be spending that time with him instead of him staying up at night worrying. It's the secret that IS the problem. And if he is so worried then why doesn't just go up there and check out the store? He owns it right? So what's stopping him? Fear his OW wil spill the beans? Bottom line is he needs to come clean to take away the power this OW has over him. If he tells then she can't blackmail him anymore and he can then start taking care of his daughter properly. Period. Trashing the OW with him is only enabling the situation. He has the power in his hands and he's too afraid to be honest and use it.

 

The truth will set him free!

 

Homerun! You hit it right on the head. I never realized what a coward I am until this problem complicated. My fear and sadness of going on without my OW is what's holding me back.

[dreamingoftigers]

I hear all of your points. Very accurate. I'll be getting together with that "overbearing mother" today, supposedly.

 

The reason I say "overbearing mother" is that often I've found with wayward men there is a patterning from their mothers of telling them in some way, conscious or unconscious that their needs or feelings aren't considered, and often the needs and feelings of the woman are.

 

It COULD also be the father's patterning to "suck it up be a man." etc.

 

A lot of men these days either dong know what they need emotionally etc. Don't think they NEED anything emotionally etc OR believe that being honest with women about what they need emotionally/sexually etc is inappropriate (either "I'm a guy, she'll never get that" OR "don't EVER rock the boat."

 

Truth of the matter is that NO WOMAN anywhere could ever satisfy any one man's needs. Even two or more women can't because that void of things you don't do for yourself can't be filled by legions of women. Look at Hollywood etc, so many of those people have legions of fans, if someone feels empty inside and doesn't know how to fulfill themselves, it is NEVER enough. They end up with multiple divorces, addictions etc. Trying to fill that void with money, fame, power and people.

 

If even you don't know what you need, no one else can figure it out for you and certainly no one has a shot at filling the parts a relationship can, you'll always feel shortchanged, because your own self-esteem can't be filled by someone else, no matter how hard they try.

[Brian1]

The reason I say "overbearing mother" is that often I've found with wayward men there is a patterning from their mothers of telling them in some way, conscious or unconscious that their needs or feelings aren't considered, and often the needs and feelings of the woman are.

 

It COULD also be the father's patterning to "suck it up be a man." etc.

 

A lot of men these days either dong know what they need emotionally etc. Don't think they NEED anything emotionally etc OR believe that being honest with women about what they need emotionally/sexually etc is inappropriate (either "I'm a guy, she'll never get that" OR "don't EVER rock the boat."

 

Truth of the matter is that NO WOMAN anywhere could ever satisfy any one man's needs. Even two or more women can't because that void of things you don't do for yourself can't be filled by legions of women. Look at Hollywood etc, so many of those people have legions of fans, if someone feels empty inside and doesn't know how to fulfill themselves, it is NEVER enough. They end up with multiple divorces, addictions etc. Trying to fill that void with money, fame, power and people.

 

If even you don't know what you need, no one else can figure it out for you and certainly no one has a shot at filling the parts a relationship can, you'll always feel shortchanged, because your own self-esteem can't be filled by someone else, no matter how hard they try.

 

Very well said. I can relate to a lot of what you said.

 

I need to break up with my OW and hopefully reconcile with my wife. I've been feeling more and more negative emotions with my OW the last 2 months. I just hope she doesn't come back like a fresh ball of fire and suck me back in. I'm starting to believe she is a much better manipulator than I ever was.

[ConfusedBlueeyes]

And you...are away even more than that. Seems the pot and the kettle are the same color.

 

 

Im glad you said that, was thinking exactly the same. Does the child even know that's her dad :/

[fllygirl]

Brian, if you wanted your gf to be a full time mother why did you buy a business for her?

[spice4life]

Homerun! You hit it right on the head. I never realized what a coward I am until this problem complicated. My fear and sadness of going on without my OW is what's holding me back.

 

I'm not sure if you are being sarcastic or not, but weren't you unhappy with her anyway? I've said enough in this thread and wish you luck in trying to figure it all out.

[Orchid12]

New poster here. Brian, you have never been the bus driver in this affair. Your "girlfriend" has been from the moment she opened her 20 year old legs for her older, married, well to do boss. By getting "accidentally" pregnant, she is now a 25 year old with a furnished house,new car, a gardener and no job.. Does her family think she won the lottery??

When you get mad and slow down the money, she gives you a passionate kiss and makes herself availabe for your 1-2 meetups a week where I assume lots of sex happens, and you start to waffle again.

My only advice to you right now is be very careful, because I think another "accidental" pregnancy is just around the corner.

[seren]

Brian, I have followed this thread since it began and you always end up saying what you think the poster wants you to say. One time praising then demeaning the OW, another leaving then staying with your wife. It is hard to really understand what it is you are really saying, there is so much flip flopping going on, I think you are gaslighting everyone, including yourself.

 

The OW is on one hand a good mother, on the other a bad one for working and leaving her child with people she trusts - the double standards are mind boggling. At the very least she is taking care of her daughter in what is a truly f'ed up situation while you get to cake eat so badly you must be cake'd out. I wish you would turn your analysis of what makes a good or bad parent on yourself and stop making all the snide comments about her. You have created, enabled and supported this situation at the expense of two women, one of which knows sod all about your machinations, the other, is, by the sound of it, trying to do what is right for her and her daughter and has your Sword of Damocles hanging over her.

 

All the talk about how your wife would be the better mother makes me so cross, your daughter has a good mother, she is your daughter when it suits you to let her call you that - that makes my blood run cold. I hope with all that I have that you are a troll, to think this is happening to two women and a child simply because you lack the courage and respect for them is the worse thing I have read here or elsewhere.

 

I understand you are afraid of losing either one of them, but at this rate you will have lost self respect and them all. Get down off the dammed fence and do the right thing. It makes my eyes bleed to read you justifying what you are doing. Your wife is doing what she is doing because she believes she is in an exclusive marriage and she loves you, the OW is doing so because she either loves and believes you have a future or she is protecting her life, your daughter, simply because you are a nice man she can call Daddy when it suits him and she is too young to understand the disrespect you are showing her. Why are you continuing to string these women along?

[Survivor12]

Does anyone else see any correlation between her desire to volunteer in "forestry" and her need to hire a new "gardener"? Makes me think of the saying "If the mountain will not come to Muhammad, then Muhammed must go to the mountain"--but in reverse.

 

 

 

New poster here. Brian, you have never been the bus driver in this affair. Your "girlfriend" has been from the moment she opened her 20 year old legs for her older, married, well to do boss. By getting "accidentally" pregnant, she is now a 25 year old with a furnished house,new car, a gardener and no job.. Does her family think she won the lottery??

When you get mad and slow down the money, she gives you a passionate kiss and makes herself availabe for your 1-2 meetups a week where I assume lots of sex happens, and you start to waffle again.

My only advice to you right now is be very careful, because I think another "accidental" pregnancy is just around the corner.

[Brian1]

And you...are away even more than that. Seems the pot and the kettle are the same color.

 

Well, you're correct there but in any normal relationship the mother is with the children way more than the father. Mainly due to work and possibly traveling for work.

[Brian1]

Brian, if you wanted your gf to be a full time mother why did you buy a business for her?

 

That's a good point. I was told by my gf that her sister needed a job and the combination of my gf having the business and her sister working inside the store seemed to be a good fit. But in hindsight, not so good.

[Brian1]

I'm not sure if you are being sarcastic or not, but weren't you unhappy with her anyway? I've said enough in this thread and wish you luck in trying to figure it all out.

 

I was not being sarcastic in any way. I've been up and down with my gf for about 3 months now. With my wife it's a constant, steady relationship. But the ups and downs are making me quite dizzy, emotionally speaking.

[Brian1]

New poster here. Brian, you have never been the bus driver in this affair. Your "girlfriend" has been from the moment she opened her 20 year old legs for her older, married, well to do boss. By getting "accidentally" pregnant, she is now a 25 year old with a furnished house,new car, a gardener and no job.. Does her family think she won the lottery??

When you get mad and slow down the money, she gives you a passionate kiss and makes herself availabe for your 1-2 meetups a week where I assume lots of sex happens, and you start to waffle again.

My only advice to you right now is be very careful, because I think another "accidental" pregnancy is just around the corner.

 

I hate to sound like a broken record, but you are right on the money with your observations. I'm starting to be quite surprised and somewhat shocked that a so called master manipulator can so easily fall victim to being manipulated himself.

[CarrieT]

I'm starting to be quite surprised and somewhat shocked that a so called master manipulator can so easily fall victim to being manipulated himself.

 

Would calling you a Wuss again get to finally do the deed and come clean with your wife?

 

What is it going to take for you to do what you KNOW you need to do???

[KatZee]

What is it going to take for you to do what you KNOW you need to do???

 

Nothing. The master manipulator is manipulating this whole thread. I doubt he'll ever make a move.

[Brian1]

Would calling you a Wuss again get to finally do the deed and come clean with your wife?

 

What is it going to take for you to do what you KNOW you need to do???

 

A lot more than being called a Wuss. Probably a good kick in the ass might do it. I'm shamefully procrastinating the inevitable.

[Fallen Petals]

Sounds like there'd be more than one volunteer here willing to e-mail your wife and kick things off for you if you wanted

(I'm not one of them - but I can tell from other posters they'd enjoy the privilege)

[Brian1]

Brian,

something in what you write doesn't add up to me, and maybe you can explain it...

 

you say that your other woman doesn't want her family to know that you are her

child's father, but how does she explain any of the things she has...

 

She tells them point blank that the father of our daughter is providing but she won't say who the father is. They obviously have a good idea but they don't push it.

 

she has a house, business, even a gardener at the age of 25...what kind of

educational background does she have? how does she explain suddenly getting all

of this "stuff"? It sounds like she was working for you when she was younger

than 20 ( five year long affair, she's 25),

 

She's high school grad and she was 20 yrs 2 mo. when she started working and we started up our relationship 4 months later.

 

so I'd be surprised if she has much of a higher education...how does she explain

suddenly having all of this to them? How does she explain having a little girl

who's father never comes to see her, never has anything to do with her, never

pays any child support? How does she explain all your participation in her life?

( don't they find it strange that a man who is just her boss spends so much time

around her?)...either she's full of it, or you are...so what is really going on

here?

 

1-2 times each week she tells her parents that she's taking our daughter to see her father. No more and no less. They know very well that I support my gf and my daughter. Like I said, I'm sure they know but they just turn their heads and keep quiet. I personally don't go to their house ever since my gf left her job with me.

 

If you are being honest about your situation, then the sooner you come clean

to your wife, the sooner you will be able to provide some stability in your

daughter's life, which it doesn't sound that she has right now. If she truly is

your first priority, then she needs to be put first now, not later, not when

"Jane" has proven to you that she's not seeing other guys, not when you get your

name on the birth certificate, not when you are ready to let "Jane" go. If

"Jane" is a good mom, she will want to put her daughter first too, and if that

means accepting that you want to go back to your wife, she will do what she can

to make that as easy as possible on your daughter, even though it may hurt a

lot....that's what good parents do...put their kids before themselves...ask yourself

if either one of your daughter's parents are doing that right now?

 

Clearly, neither parent is putting our daughters' best interest first right now.

Edited February 26, 2013 by Brian1

[Brian1]

I was talking to my wife last night and again this morning about a serious problem I have in my life that I need to resolve. I told her it's something that I am very shameful about (my affair) and also am very proud of (my daughter). But I told her that I need to iron out a few details and then I will explain everything to her. She asked if I had an affair. I said I'm not going to get into any details until later. Then she asked if I had a daughter (not, if I had a child). Once again I said I want to work it out first because there are a lot of variables involved. She asked if I wanted to divorce her. I said that that was one thing I surely didn't want. But I told her to quit fishing and I'd give her the details when I'm ready. So, I believe the ball is rolling.

[wisernow]

I was talking to my wife last night and again this morning about a serious problem I have in my life that I need to resolve. I told her it's something that I am very shameful about (my affair) and also am very proud of (my daughter). But I told her that I need to iron out a few details and then I will explain everything to her. She asked if I had an affair. I said I'm not going to get into any details until later. Then she asked if I had a daughter (not, if I had a child). Once again I said I want to work it out first because there are a lot of variables involved. She asked if I wanted to divorce her. I said that that was one thing I surely didn't want. But I told her to quit fishing and I'd give her the details when I'm ready. So, I believe the ball is rolling.

 

You must think your wife a complete moron. She knows damn well what's going on, most likely has all along. Telling her to "quit fishing"? Yea, right. You're just manipulating her like everyone else in your life.

[SidLyon]

I was talking to my wife last night and again this morning about a serious problem I have in my life that I need to resolve. I told her it's something that I am very shameful about (my affair) and also am very proud of (my daughter). But I told her that I need to iron out a few details and then I will explain everything to her. She asked if I had an affair. I said I'm not going to get into any details until later. Then she asked if I had a daughter (not, if I had a child). Once again I said I want to work it out first because there are a lot of variables involved. She asked if I wanted to divorce her. I said that that was one thing I surely didn't want. But I told her to quit fishing and I'd give her the details when I'm ready. So, I believe the ball is rolling.

 

This sounds cruel of you to me - to give her a taste of the truth and then withdraw. It seems your wife not only already strongly suspects, but must also be a very patient woman. I hope you tell her soon even if you haven't ironed out all the details, which in such situations, may never be fully ironed out.

[Brian1]

I got together with my gf today. Just to cut to the chase, at the end of the time together I asked her point blank what she wants long term from our relationship. First she said she believes that I am going to dump her soon. and then I had to squeeze and squeeze but after several very direct questions she told me that she only wants one of two options. She said her 1st priority was to be together with me and our daughter in a normal relationship. But she didn't want to break up my marriage. Or her 2nd option was to just split up and go our separate ways. She said the same as I've said many times, that the hiding and lying and secrecy is getting tiring. But she said if we do split up she expects me to continue supporting her and my daughter. By the way she's coming down permanently from the mountain this Saturday.

[Brian1]

You must think your wife a complete moron. She knows damn well what's going on, most likely has all along. Telling her to "quit fishing"? Yea, right. You're just manipulating her like everyone else in your life.

 

Well, to tell you the truth, the conversation was very productive from both of our views. She might have suspected all along about my doings and now might be happy that I am finally preparing to come clean and end it. That's the impression I got.

[Brian1]

This sounds cruel of you to me - to give her a taste of the truth and then withdraw. It seems your wife not only already strongly suspects, but must also be a very patient woman. I hope you tell her soon even if you haven't ironed out all the details, which in such situations, may never be fully ironed out.

 

My wife knows that I've had something cooking in my head the past several weeks. I don't expect to iron out ALL of the details but I hope to get everything in an easier position for all to handle the fall out.