Complicated affair

[moraa]

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Edited February 23, 2013 by moraa

[BrokenPrincess]

Another point. Since she's been partially away these past 2 months her support from me has been drastically cut. But she said she had to finish her contract which was for 2 months. Even though my investigation and her words seem to coincide, I'm still a little suspicious. I would really like to get the truth and the whole truth just for curiosity sakes.

 

Brian, you started this thread nearly a month ago, and at that time, you said she'd been disappearing up the mountain for about 2 months. So since then, plus 2 more weeks, really puts this "volunteer" job at 3.5months. Can you think of why she would've told you she was helping her pregnant sister instead of the truth? Could she be doing some type of training of networking to try to line up a job in case you cut her off?

 

For someone to decide to leave her child (and boyfriend) for 3 months, plus thereby reducing her financial support (you)....all for a volunteer job?? A piece must be missing from the story.

 

Why wait 2 weeks to see if she comes down? You still won't know if she's been lying to you, which does bother you. I'm going to say it again....I really think you should just found out whats really going on up there. Either just drive up there yourself or hire the PI. I would think you'd be able to get some insight within a couple days, instead of dragging it out for more weeks to come.

[2sunny]

Brian, you started this thread nearly a month ago, and at that time, you said she'd been disappearing up the mountain for about 2 months. So since then, plus 2 more weeks, really puts this "volunteer" job at 3.5months. Can you think of why she would've told you she was helping her pregnant sister instead of the truth? Could she be doing some type of training of networking to try to line up a job in case you cut her off?

 

For someone to decide to leave her child (and boyfriend) for 3 months, plus thereby reducing her financial support (you)....all for a volunteer job?? A piece must be missing from the story.

 

Why wait 2 weeks to see if she comes down? You still won't know if she's been lying to you, which does bother you. I'm going to say it again....I really think you should just found out whats really going on up there. Either just drive up there yourself or hire the PI. I would think you'd be able to get some insight within a couple days, instead of dragging it out for more weeks to come.

 

I fully agree... Someone or something gives her a great reason to forgo your money and being with her daughter.

 

NOTHING and no one could have kept me from my kids while they were growing up!

 

She's got something important going on up there and you already know she lies...

[Brian1]

Brian, you started this thread nearly a month ago, and at that time, you said she'd been disappearing up the mountain for about 2 months. So since then, plus 2 more weeks, really puts this "volunteer" job at 3.5months. Can you think of why she would've told you she was helping her pregnant sister instead of the truth? Could she be doing some type of training of networking to try to line up a job in case you cut her off?

 

For someone to decide to leave her child (and boyfriend) for 3 months, plus thereby reducing her financial support (you)....all for a volunteer job?? A piece must be missing from the story.

 

Why wait 2 weeks to see if she comes down? You still won't know if she's been lying to you, which does bother you. I'm going to say it again....I really think you should just found out whats really going on up there. Either just drive up there yourself or hire the PI. I would think you'd be able to get some insight within a couple days, instead of dragging it out for more weeks to come.

 

She went up there on Dec. 14th. Up until Jan. 7th, she went up 1 or 2 days per week, to supposedly help her pregnant sister. The pregnant sister part is true. And then on Jan. 7th, I blew up at her via email because she initially said the help of her sister was only for 3 weeks. Most of those 1st 3 weeks she took my daughter up with her because she was out of school. Then after I blew up with her, she says she was deeply hurt and needed time to recover. At first she said she needed 8 weeks. I said no dice. Take a couple of weeks and then come back down to take care of our daughter, I said. She said we'll see how things go with the recovering. From Jan. 10 til Jan. 20, we didn't talk at all. Then she came down Jan. 20 and was all forgiving and lovey dovey like nothing happened. From Jan. 20 until last week, everything has been hot and cold. About a week ago, she finally gave a date of her return and she mentioned her contract with the Forest Service. I checked that out and it was true. Here forward, we'll have to wait and see.

[2sunny]

IF you left your W and OW and were on your own - YOU could raise your daughter and give her Mother visitation.

[2sunny]

She went up there on Dec. 14th. Up until Jan. 7th, she went up 1 or 2 days per week, to supposedly help her pregnant sister. The pregnant sister part is true. And then on Jan. 7th, I blew up at her via email because she initially said the help of her sister was only for 3 weeks. Most of those 1st 3 weeks she took my daughter up with her because she was out of school. Then after I blew up with her, she says she was deeply hurt and needed time to recover. At first she said she needed 8 weeks. I said no dice. Take a couple of weeks and then come back down to take care of our daughter, I said. She said we'll see how things go with the recovering. From Jan. 10 til Jan. 20, we didn't talk at all. Then she came down Jan. 20 and was all forgiving and lovey dovey like nothing happened. From Jan. 20 until last week, everything has been hot and cold. About a week ago, she finally gave a date of her return and she mentioned her contract with the Forest Service. I checked that out and it was true. Here forward, we'll have to wait and see.

 

Good God - that poor child must feel completely abandoned. Crappy, at best!

[spice4life]

Sunny, why are you so focused on the OW lying when this guy is living one huge whopper of a lie. Have you forgotten that he has a wife who has no clue he is playing "family" with his own child somewhere else? He needs to work on himself more than anything else right now. If he's that wrried about his kid he would have come clean already and would taking care of her properly - like a good father would.

[wisernow]

Sunny, why are you so focused on the OW lying when this guy is living one huge whopper of a lie. Have you forgotten that he has a wife who has no clue he is playing "family" with his own child somewhere else? He needs to work on himself more than anything else right now. If he's that wrried about his kid he would have come clean already and would taking care of her properly - like a good father would.

 

 

I agree. He's had three years to man up and take care of this child and now he's making demands of the OW. He has zero rights to tell her what to do, or who to do it with. And as far as his child goes, he has zero legal rights to her either, he's up to this point been nothing but the sperm donor.

[Realist3]

I'm not impressed (though I realize you're not here 2 impress me). Realist3 is selfish and inconsiderate of others like you are.

 

Try not driving the bus. It isn't really yours anyway.

 

-ol' 2long

 

I appreciate that so much.

[Brian1]

This week, when I see my girlfriend in person, I'm going to push her hard for her reasons for abandoning our daughter. Someone or something up the mountain has to come out and come out now. Or, if there is no someone or something, then she has some serious issues as far as being a good mother. The past 2 months when I have lightly pushed her on why she is being away from our daughter for such long periods of time she always gets upset and says that I'm being mean to her. But the last two weeks she has completely changed her tune and says she wants to come down as soon as possible. I smell a rat. This issue may sound like minutiae, but it's important to me for my future decisions about custody of my daughter.

[Brian1]

brian,

i know you don't like to hear it, but how many parents would choose to spend days away from their very young child to do an unpaid, volunteer position? why would she even want to do this?

 

This isn't to say that parents should never volunteer, but a mom choosing to be away from her very young child for days at a time when she doen't have to...if you couple this with everything else you say about "jane", and it would seem that she's not as enamored with parenthood as you would like to believe.It seems she leaves her with other care givers quite a bit of the time...most parents are trying to find ways to spend more time with their children, not less.

 

think about that, and what does her behavior tell you?

 

Her decision to be away from her child is baffling to me. For the first 3 yrs and 5 mos she was constantly with our daughter. Then in December all of this going away started, with pretexts of course. Her pretexts, in my opinion, don't hold water.

[spice4life]

This week, when I see my girlfriend in person, I'm going to push her hard for her reasons for abandoning our daughter. Someone or something up the mountain has to come out and come out now. Or, if there is no someone or something, then she has some serious issues as far as being a good mother. The past 2 months when I have lightly pushed her on why she is being away from our daughter for such long periods of time she always gets upset and says that I'm being mean to her. But the last two weeks she has completely changed her tune and says she wants to come down as soon as possible. I smell a rat. This issue may sound like minutiae, but it's important to me for my future decisions about custody of my daughter.

 

Projections, nothing more than projections. What if she's up there to secure a better future for your daughter? You wont see that though because you are living on the dark side at the moment. You can only see evil intentions because you are living a secret life yourself. Come clean and the way you think will change drastically.

[wisernow]

actually, it's by both her parents hands...

 

if her mom wanted to, she could have brought everything out in the open, yet, for self serving reasons, she chose not to...

 

she'd rather mess up her daughter permanently than bring brian to task and insist her be a true "dad"...

 

if she did, she'd lose financial support, the respect of her family, and her relationship with him...

 

the saddest thing is that this little girl doesn't seem to come "first" to anyone

 

Yes, of course you are right. She's not here though, Brian is, so my comments are directed at him.

[ThatJustHappened]

Every second that you put off coming out into the open with your double life and beginning the healing process, your daughter is becoming more and more aware of how effed up her situation really is, and how selfish and neglectful both of her parents are. People don't give kids enough credit for the most part..they really are quite intuitive. My first memory is from my 2nd birthday party. How old is your daughter? Around 2?

[jwi71]

What else will happen next in our saga...tune in to this thread tomorrow - same bat time, same bat place for the next exciting chapter of:

 

"My OW maybe cheating on me in the mountains that I somehow can't drive to, abandoning our daughter after I set her up financially while I'm still M to my W and making no effort to do anything."

 

I'm waiting for the Michael Bay explosions, invading space aliens, gratuitous topless babes on trampolines, and rousing emotional score from John Williams.

 

I'd pay a dollar for that.

 

Will anything change except more new and dramatic folds?

Who knows...don't change that channel, er thread to find out!

[dreamingoftigers]

So what happened to the 'store' that the sister and OW were running? Is the sister that is running the store also the pregnant one who is now the primary care giver of your child with your mistress?

 

Why does non of this add up?

 

Did you ever answer why your daughter is not allowed to call you daddy?

 

Who is minding the mountain store while your mistress is off playing forest ranger and the pregnant girlfriend is raising your daughter?

 

What MOTHER leaves her child for weeks for someone else to raise? I get a parent working and having a sitter or nanny; but the mother isn't even SEEING the child.

 

Gawd that poor little girl...neither of her parents give a crap about her and are too busy playing games to wonder about HER and how she is doing? For all any of you know, the sister ran off with her or she could have been hurt or something...HOW can either of you call yourselves loving or caring parents where your bullcrap is more important than your child??? Maybe your wife should have custody, kick you and the mistress to the curb and the little girl can then have someone actually caring about her?

 

So now you are waiting 2 more weeks MINIMUM before trying to get the mistress to break off the affair, since you are too cowardly to do it?

 

And when again are you telling your wife what you have done???

 

Brian's boundaries are so non-existant that no one can figure what the Hell he is doing, mainly himself.

 

He's got two women here who both believe that he is committed to them heavily (OW probably isn't as deluded as she lets on, but she was 20 when this rodeo started, so who knows).

 

The reality is, Brian was only committed to having an affair and a "half-marriage." But he presents in a "whatever you want my dear" kind of light.

 

His daughter is probably equally as confused, even being so young. "Daddy loves me, but I can't call him Daddy and he isn't really around like the other Dads and I never go to his house." She'll only become more aware over time, but like most poor kids, she'll figure it's her fault.

 

The statement about the mistress getting the gardener twice a week was very telling. She asked for it, internally he bitched about it, but nothing has clearly suggested that she should expect otherwise. And then he let out a self-sorry "but I complied." Implying he's the sorry victim in this whole scenario.

 

So passive-seeming. It's like this, "everyone else can have whatever they want as long as they stay ultimately loyal and don't truly inconvenience me, or make any kind of fuss." Meanwhile Brian can't offer up loyalty or true committment to anyone, including his child.

 

This is a dude so cut off from his own feelings, that he can't seem to locate more than superficial ones, even for his own offspring.

 

Someone so defeatist and passive regarding such a serious and damaging situation clearly arouses aggression in others. So messed up.

 

I truly hope any sensible court wouldn't award custody to someone who hasn't worked out these issues.

 

So Brian, how's that overbearing mother doing?

[BrokenPrincess]

So what happened to the 'store' that the sister and OW were running? Is the sister that is running the store also the pregnant one who is now the primary care giver of your child with your mistress?

 

I think there are at least 2 sisters. The pregnant one is up the mountain & runs the store. The other one, along with gf's parents, live in town near Brian and that's where his daughter stays (and where he has to do the drive-bys because the grandparents don't know he's the dad)

[dreamingoftigers]

 

And when again are you telling your wife what you have done???

 

December 4th, 2038 in his final will and testament. SURPRISE!

[2sunny]

The main concern here is the forgotten child.

 

The second (but just as big) concern I'd getting truthful.

 

A Mom who spends ALL her time and energy focused on a small child does NOT up and leave her for months UNLESS someone or something becomes all inclusively MORE important (all of a sudden) than the child!

 

In MY world - the ONLY thing that became THAT important and took my time and attention was a death in my family. Still - I never left my kids out of my care/sight - I was simply distracted planning a funeral.

 

Something IS that important to your OW that she has left her daughter behind. Most likely it's another man - statistically speaking. One other possibility is drug use. These are the only reasons I've ever seen over the years which cause such an about faced change.

[wisernow]

The main concern here is the forgotten child.

 

The second (but just as big) concern I'd getting truthful.

 

A Mom who spends ALL her time and energy focused on a small child does NOT up and leave her for months UNLESS someone or something becomes all inclusively MORE important (all of a sudden) than the child!

 

In MY world - the ONLY thing that became THAT important and took my time and attention was a death in my family. Still - I never left my kids out of my care/sight - I was simply distracted planning a funeral.

 

Something IS that important to your OW that she has left her daughter behind. Most likely it's another man - statistically speaking. One other possibility is drug use. These are the only reasons I've ever seen over the years which cause such an about faced change.

 

Or maybe it's just Brian's story, putting the mother in a bad light to gain sympathy here. His story has certainly flipped flopped here. I ain't buying most of his story. He's hot and cold on not only his relationship with his wife, but that of the OW. Every few days, it changes. He initially painted the OW as a wonderful mother, now has changed his tune, painting her as the bad guy. There is a bad guy in this story. Him.

[spice4life]

The main concern here is the forgotten child.

 

The second (but just as big) concern I'd getting truthful.

 

A Mom who spends ALL her time and energy focused on a small child does NOT up and leave her for months UNLESS someone or something becomes all inclusively MORE important (all of a sudden) than the child!

 

In MY world - the ONLY thing that became THAT important and took my time and attention was a death in my family. Still - I never left my kids out of my care/sight - I was simply distracted planning a funeral.

 

Something IS that important to your OW that she has left her daughter behind. Most likely it's another man - statistically speaking. One other possibility is drug use. These are the only reasons I've ever seen over the years which cause such an about faced change.

 

He's in this mess because he's living a secret life. If he came clean then he could be out in the open and take care of his daughter. He would have options instead of this cloak and daggar stuff. His daughter wouldn't be abandoned then and she could be spending that time with him instead of him staying up at night worrying. It's the secret that IS the problem. And if he is so worried then why doesn't just go up there and check out the store? He owns it right? So what's stopping him? Fear his OW wil spill the beans? Bottom line is he needs to come clean to take away the power this OW has over him. If he tells then she can't blackmail him anymore and he can then start taking care of his daughter properly. Period. Trashing the OW with him is only enabling the situation. He has the power in his hands and he's too afraid to be honest and use it.

 

The truth will set him free!

Edited February 25, 2013 by spice4life

[Brian1]

Every second that you put off coming out into the open with your double life and beginning the healing process, your daughter is becoming more and more aware of how effed up her situation really is, and how selfish and neglectful both of her parents are. People don't give kids enough credit for the most part..they really are quite intuitive. My first memory is from my 2nd birthday party. How old is your daughter? Around 2?

 

My daughter will be 4 years old in July.

[Brian1]

So what happened to the 'store' that the sister and OW

were running? Is the sister that is running the store also the pregnant one who

is now the primary care giver of your child with your mistress?

 

This is how I understand it. My girlfriend has 2 sisters living up the mountain. The one sister who was running the store is the pregnant one. In Dec., she was at the 6 month mark of her pregnancy and had a lot of obligations for Christmas time and could not work in the store. So, that was the initial reason my girlfriend went up to help run the store. From Dec. 15 until Jan. 7, my girlfriend was going up to run the store and help her pregnant sister 3-4 days each week. The rest of the time she was down here. During those 3 weeks my daughter was out of school so she was with my girlfriend constantly. Then on Jan. 7, I had a big confrontation with my gf and I said I never wanted to see her again. Jan. 10 she called me and said she wanted to talk. We got together and she said she was going to spill the beans of our entire relationship and our daughter to everyone. I didn't think that was the proper time or way to come out so I said we can get back together and try to revive our love. She obviously resisted a little but later gave me a big hug and a very passionate kiss and said she'll contact me in a week. She said she had to cure from the wounds I inflicted on her during our confrontation Jan. 7. 10 days passed and she called and we had a very deep talk. We've been getting together 2 times each week since Jan. 21. She is still running the store in addition to her forestry work. She usually comes down Fridays and goes back up Friday afternoon with my daughter and comes down again on Sunday afternoon. She stays here Monday and sometimes Tuesdays and that's when we get together. For nearly all of Jan., I didn't get together with my daughter due to the spat with my gf. (I actually told her during our confrontation, that I doubt our daughter is even mine and that's what upset my gf more than anything.) Now I've been getting together with the two of them together at least once per week and alone with my gf 1-2 more times each week.

 

My gf has a 3rd sister who lives down here near me (she's out of work right now) and she's the one, along with my gf's mother, who has been taking care of my daughter 3-4 days per week when my gf is not with her. This 3rd sister has a 5 yr old son who my gf took care of for 2 years while the sister was away working (she came home on weekends only). I hope this clarifies the situation.

 

Why does non of this add up?

Did you ever answer why your daughter is not allowed to call you daddy?

 

My daughter can and does call me daddy. When she's around me, at least. I don't know when she's away from me what she says to others.

 

Who is minding the mountain store while your mistress is off playing forest

ranger and the pregnant girlfriend is raising your daughter?

 

This was clarified above.

 

What MOTHER leaves her child for weeks for someone else to raise? I get a

parent working and having a sitter or nanny; but the mother isn't even SEEING

the child.

 

This is not true. It's been clarified above.

 

Gawd that poor little girl...neither of her parents give a crap about her and

are too busy playing games to wonder about HER and how she is doing? For all

any of you know, the sister ran off with her or she could have been hurt or

something...HOW can either of you call yourselves loving or caring parents where

your bullcrap is more important than your child??? Maybe your wife should have

custody, kick you and the mistress to the curb and the little girl can then have

someone actually caring about her?

 

I see my daughter daily and spend time with her at least one full day per week. And it's not just a drive by wave all the time. Many times I stop and chat with her for a few minutes when she's with the 3rd sister (who supposedly is the only one who knows all about our affair).

 

Your last sentence sounds like it could be the best thing for my daughter.

 

So now you are waiting 2 more weeks MINIMUM before trying to get the mistress

to break off the affair, since you are too cowardly to do it?

 

And when again are you telling your wife what you have done???

 

Every day is emotionally painful for me (although I understand no one believes me). But I know the only proper solution is to break up with my gf and come clean with my wife. But every time I think about those actions the pain multiplies tremendously. Every day I'm trying to motivate myself to do it. And I realize my pain will end once I come clean.

[Brian1]

Brian's boundaries are so non-existant that no one can figure what the Hell he is doing, mainly himself.

 

He's got two women here who both believe that he is committed to them heavily (OW probably isn't as deluded as she lets on, but she was 20 when this rodeo started, so who knows).

 

The reality is, Brian was only committed to having an affair and a "half-marriage." But he presents in a "whatever you want my dear" kind of light.

 

His daughter is probably equally as confused, even being so young. "Daddy loves me, but I can't call him Daddy and he isn't really around like the other Dads and I never go to his house." She'll only become more aware over time, but like most poor kids, she'll figure it's her fault.

 

The statement about the mistress getting the gardener twice a week was very telling. She asked for it, internally he bitched about it, but nothing has clearly suggested that she should expect otherwise. And then he let out a self-sorry "but I complied." Implying he's the sorry victim in this whole scenario.

 

So passive-seeming. It's like this, "everyone else can have whatever they want as long as they stay ultimately loyal and don't truly inconvenience me, or make any kind of fuss." Meanwhile Brian can't offer up loyalty or true committment to anyone, including his child.

 

This is a dude so cut off from his own feelings, that he can't seem to locate more than superficial ones, even for his own offspring.

 

Someone so defeatist and passive regarding such a serious and damaging situation clearly arouses aggression in others. So messed up.

 

I truly hope any sensible court wouldn't award custody to someone who hasn't worked out these issues.

 

So Brian, how's that overbearing mother doing?

 

I hear all of your points. Very accurate. I'll be getting together with that "overbearing mother" today, supposedly.

[Brian1]

The main concern here is the forgotten child.

 

The second (but just as big) concern I'd getting truthful.

 

A Mom who spends ALL her time and energy focused on a small child does NOT up and leave her for months UNLESS someone or something becomes all inclusively MORE important (all of a sudden) than the child!

 

In MY world - the ONLY thing that became THAT important and took my time and attention was a death in my family. Still - I never left my kids out of my care/sight - I was simply distracted planning a funeral.

 

Something IS that important to your OW that she has left her daughter behind. Most likely it's another man - statistically speaking. One other possibility is drug use. These are the only reasons I've ever seen over the years which cause such an about faced change.

 

I feel the same about the other man thing but I have people I know up the mountain who have told me what my gf has done from sun up to sun down a few times and then I ask my gf what she did those days and sure enough they coincide exactly. Many time lately I've called her sisters house and the sister says she's in the store and she'll go get her. 5 minutes later she's on the phone. But with all of that info I still feel suspicious mainly because of the being away from her daughter like she is.