Complicated affair

[Brian1]

jwi71, you pretty much hit it on the head. I am a hypocrite. I am selfish. I am a slug. I know all of this but I am in a situation where I believe the best solution is to continue as I have been. Complete secrecy. It is a classical double life. My daughter is very happy, my girlfriend is mostly happy and my wife is happy. But, I am not happy. I have very good moments with my wife and with my other "family" as well. But truly speaking, it's very, very draining for me to live this type of life. But I don't want anyone to be hurt, especially my wife by finding out that over these years she hasn't been receiving 100% of me. But my wife constantly tells me we have an excellent relationship, relatively speaking. I know that my actions are childish, immoral and selfish but I have to make the best of a terrible situation which I am 100% responsible of creating.

By the way, the store I set up for my girlfriend is a small clothing store which does fairly well but not well enough to fully support her and my daughter. Her sister mainly works in the store and my girlfriend does all of the business part. Thanks again for all of the replies.

[Brian1]

Thanks stillafool. I feel exactly as you do. I just need to eventually muster up the courage and strength to do it. My main hesitation is the complete disillusionment that my wife will feel. I have a slight feeling that my wife knows about the situation because she makes sly comments every now and then that the child looks like me and my girlfriend has always had an eye for me.

[bentnotbroken]

jwi71, you pretty much hit it on the head. I am a hypocrite. I am selfish. I am a slug. I know all of this but I am in a situation where I believe the best solution is to continue as I have been. Complete secrecy. It is a classical double life. My daughter is very happy, my girlfriend is mostly happy and my wife is happy. But, I am not happy. I have very good moments with my wife and with my other "family" as well. But truly speaking, it's very, very draining for me to live this type of life. But I don't want anyone to be hurt, especially my wife by finding out that over these years she hasn't been receiving 100% of me. But my wife constantly tells me we have an excellent relationship, relatively speaking. I know that my actions are childish, immoral and selfish but I have to make the best of a terrible situation which I am 100% responsible of creating.

By the way, the store I set up for my girlfriend is a small clothing store which does fairly well but not well enough to fully support her and my daughter. Her sister mainly works in the store and my girlfriend does all of the business part. Thanks again for all of the replies.

 

 

Well of course you believe continuing to live this way is the best....for you no doubt. I don't think anyone here believed otherwise.

[jwi71]

jwi71, you pretty much hit it on the head. I am a hypocrite. I am selfish. I am a slug. I know all of this but I am in a situation where I believe the best solution is to continue as I have been. Complete secrecy. It is a classical double life. My daughter is very happy, my girlfriend is mostly happy and my wife is happy. But, I am not happy. I have very good moments with my wife and with my other "family" as well. But truly speaking, it's very, very draining for me to live this type of life. But I don't want anyone to be hurt, especially my wife by finding out that over these years she hasn't been receiving 100% of me. But my wife constantly tells me we have an excellent relationship, relatively speaking. I know that my actions are childish, immoral and selfish but I have to make the best of a terrible situation which I am 100% responsible of creating.

 

Brian1,

 

Maintaining the status-quo is not working for you now so I'm not sure why you think its going to work going forward.

 

Pain is the only inevitability here. I'll let you choose WHO gets hurt:

 

Your W, Your GF, your daughter, your extended families...you...go on, pick who suffers. Maybe pick them all and everyone can suffer (this is the correct answer by the way). Waiting only HEIGHTENS this pain - for all.

 

You deny not only yourself but your daughter the joy of YOUR extended family and you deny your extended family the joy of YOUR daughter.

 

You can hide it now. But not forever. That little girl will grow. And ask questions.

 

What lies will you tell your daughter THEN to keep YOURSELF happy NOW?

[eleanorrigby]

Thanks stillafool. I feel exactly as you do. I just need to eventually muster up the courage and strength to do it. My main hesitation is the complete disillusionment that my wife will feel. I have a slight feeling that my wife knows about the situation because she makes sly comments every now and then that the child looks like me and my girlfriend has always had an eye for me.

 

If you think your wife knows already about your affair and secret child, why not just come out with it?

[Brian1]

Just a clarification. My girlfriends' family is constantly around my daughter. Her mother and father and another sister live almost non stop in the house I provided for my girlfriend and my daughter. I bought the house and it is in my daughters name. I have stipulations which my girlfriend must follow, which she has no problem accepting. The house will become my girlfriends house free and clear once my daughter is 18 years old. At that point I will fully take care of my daughter in every way shape and form directly with her. Thanks for listening.

[Brian1]

Well, eleanorrigby, there is a huge difference between her assuming and her knowing. She can handle the assumption part but I doubt the knowing part.

[eleanorrigby]

Well, eleanorrigby, there is a huge difference between her assuming and her knowing. She can handle the assumption part but I doubt the knowing part.

 

Are you sure about that? How do you know what she can handle?

[Decorative]

Well, eleanorrigby, there is a huge difference between her assuming and her knowing. She can handle the assumption part but I doubt the knowing part.

 

Wow.

 

You think very little of your wife, don't you?

[whichwayisup]

I'm sure that comes from the fact that he supports the OW and his kid. It is truly a double life.

 

Sounds like it. Question to the OP, why are you still married? You don't have children with your wife, seems you don't love her the way a husband should his wife, so why not just divorce? Two women now are going to get hurt..Sooner or later you need to make a decision.

[Realist3]

Just a clarification. My girlfriends' family is constantly around my daughter. Her mother and father and another sister live almost non stop in the house I provided for my girlfriend and my daughter. I bought the house and it is in my daughters name. I have stipulations which my girlfriend must follow, which she has no problem accepting. The house will become my girlfriends house free and clear once my daughter is 18 years old. At that point I will fully take care of my daughter in every way shape and form directly with her. Thanks for listening.

 

 

I will say you have done the right thing in regard to taking care of your daughter financially. But she needs a dad, you. It may not be as part of her daily life, but she will need you to be there for her.

 

Why not deal with these uncomfortable situations while she is still young, and won't remember much? Just a thought.

[whichwayisup]

If you think your wife knows already about your affair and secret child, why not just come out with it?

 

Exactly! All the lying, deceiving, why do that? You don't love your wife, you're sneaking around behind her back, having a child with someone else.. Your wife deserves to know the truth so she can decide if she wants to stay married to you or divorce you! It's just really cruel and unfair what you're doing.

 

And, when the truth comes out, and trust me, it will one day, your wife is going to hate you so much for not coming clean. The fallout is going to be huge! So, why not just tell her about your daughter and move on with your life?

[awkward]

One day your daughter will not be a little girl. She will be a woman. When that day comes and she looks back at how her father treated her, denied her, she will look into your eyes and see who you really are. When that day comes, you will finally see too. I feel so sorry for your daughter.

 

How can you do this to your little girl?

[bentnotbroken]

I have some questions....how would you deal with a man who treated your daughter the way you have treated her mother and your wife? Do you feel as long as she is kept in the dark about her life she will be just fine? Do you feel as if she shouldn't be allowed to make knowledgeable decisions about her life as long as her cheating spouse treats her like a child who needs to protected from her own life?

[Brian1]

Hey LFW, yes my wife knows my girlfriend. My girlfriend used to work for me and that's where our relationship started. She was even pregnant with my daughter while working for me. My wife was more or less her supervisor while she worked for me. My wife and I had a lot of contact with my daughter until she was 2 years old. We went to all of her parties and even had them over for Christmas one time. I t was very uncomfortable sometimes for me. But she later left and we've been continuing on the outside for the last 2 years.

[Brian1]

Do you think your wife would be shocked if you told her that the child was yours?

I believe so LFH, but I'm not 100% sure.

[fllygirl]

I believe the reason your gf asked you not to tell your wife because your gf wanted you all-100% for her self as a husband and she still was hoping for that. After dday few things can happen and your wife may walk away, but if she wont she will insist on cutting off financial support to minimum ( only child support) and she will get involved in raising your child. She is middle age childless woman, after initial shock and drama she may accept you back and your child into her life. And I'm not sure if your gf wants that.

[Brian1]

Hey frozensprouts, my daughter has full access to me via my cellular phone and via email. We communicate daily. She loves me very much and I love her very much. I have contact with her at least 2 times each week and I see her almost every day. But I realize she wants and needs more. But she is happy everytime I see her playing by her house and when I see her and talk to her. She is only 3 1/2 years old, so she isn't highly communicative yet. Still, if my wife is happy, my daughter is happy, my girlfriend is mostly happy then all of the possible solutions sound to me that they would do more harm than good. Especially short term. But some day, I realize, I'll have to face the music and come clean. And then every party involved will be severely hurt.

[Brian1]

I believe the reason your gf asked you not to tell your wife because your gf wanted you all-100% for her self as a husband and she still was hoping for that. After dday few things can happen and your wife may walk away, but if she wont she will insist on cutting off financial support to minimum ( only child support) and she will get involved in raising your child. She is middle age childless woman, after initial shock and drama she may accept you back and your child into her life. And I'm not sure if your gf wants that.

 

I concur completely, flygirl.

[hissunshine]

Here is another perspective...

 

Is it possible that your OW is trying to make you leave your W and set up the life with you that she has been dreaming of? Clearly you thinking she has a boyfriend has you quite distraught. You seem to be examining and analyzing everybody in this situation and their happiness and you might think or it may seem that your OW is happy, buy why would she be? She has been living a secret life for 5 years!!! Raising a daughter all on her own and getting only little pieces of you. Yes you are there 100% financially but it seems like she wants a lot more than that. What do you think would happen if you decided to get a divorce and you show up at your OWs house, declare your love and say you want to live happily ever after? If you think that would make her the happiest girl on the planet, I think you have your answer.

 

She is forcing your hand. She wants you to make a decision so she is letting you think she has a boyfriend, to get the jealously juices flowing. If everything is still very passionate between the two of you like always and she has stayed single this whole time, my bet is she is trying something different to get you to make a decision.

[Brian1]

Hey hissunshine, I believe you may be closer to the truth than anyone up to this point, and there have been some very good replies. If I did as you said with my girlfriend, I believe you are absolutely correct; she would be the happiest person on earth. But my wife would be the most unhappy person on the earth. And I would be extremely happy on one hand and extremely unhappy on the other hand. You see, my wife and her happiness is very important to me. We went through lots and lots of treatments and surgeries in order to have a baby and after 14 years we pretty much have given up. She's now 42. I would very much like to be happy living with my girlfriend and my daughter but that would just not be right to leave my wife hanging out there alone. I know, I know, she would recover but I would feel guilty the rest of my life. For me the best thing that could possibly happen is something that can't happen. We go back in time 5 years and I don't get involved with my now girlfriend. So we'll all continue suffering and enjoying life. Just like everyone else I guess. But I'll try my best to make the other 3 involved be as happy as I possibly can. And whatever happens we'll all have to deal with accordingly.

[Act Two]

Hey hissunshine, I believe you may be closer to the truth than anyone up to this point, and there have been some very good replies. If I did as you said with my girlfriend, I believe you are absolutely correct; she would be the happiest person on earth. But my wife would be the most unhappy person on the earth. And I would be extremely happy on one hand and extremely unhappy on the other hand. You see, my wife and her happiness is very important to me. We went through lots and lots of treatments and surgeries in order to have a baby and after 14 years we pretty much have given up. She's now 42. I would very much like to be happy living with my girlfriend and my daughter but that would just not be right to leave my wife hanging out there alone. I know, I know, she would recover but I would feel guilty the rest of my life. For me the best thing that could possibly happen is something that can't happen. We go back in time 5 years and I don't get involved with my now girlfriend. So we'll all continue suffering and enjoying life. Just like everyone else I guess. But I'll try my best to make the other 3 involved be as happy as I possibly can. And whatever happens we'll all have to deal with accordingly.

 

You should let your wife choose if she wants to be happy with or without you. She has maybe half of her life left to live and could find someone who really loves her and respects her! Why do you get to make that choice for her just so that you don't feel guilty?

 

Right now you are just playing her for a fool so there is no way she is better off in this situation.

[hissunshine]

Hey hissunshine, I believe you may be closer to the truth than anyone up to this point, and there have been some very good replies. If I did as you said with my girlfriend, I believe you are absolutely correct; she would be the happiest person on earth. But my wife would be the most unhappy person on the earth. And I would be extremely happy on one hand and extremely unhappy on the other hand. You see, my wife and her happiness is very important to me. We went through lots and lots of treatments and surgeries in order to have a baby and after 14 years we pretty much have given up. She's now 42. I would very much like to be happy living with my girlfriend and my daughter but that would just not be right to leave my wife hanging out there alone. I know, I know, she would recover but I would feel guilty the rest of my life. For me the best thing that could possibly happen is something that can't happen. We go back in time 5 years and I don't get involved with my now girlfriend. So we'll all continue suffering and enjoying life. Just like everyone else I guess. But I'll try my best to make the other 3 involved be as happy as I possibly can. And whatever happens we'll all have to deal with accordingly.

 

Okay, so first of all, you can't go back in time! If there was a way, I probably would have figured that out by now... So, you have to stop thinking that way. The only way you are going to be able to figure this out is to start living from this day forward.

 

I think your wife would be absolutely devastated if she knew you had a baby with someone else and right under her nose! If you tried to get pregnant for 14 years, without success and she finds out the truth, I think that would push any sane person over the edge. Also, the reason why your OW doesn't want you to tell her is probably because of the embarrassment this would cause her as well, not to mention your daughter.

 

I think you are going to have to make a choice, like it or not, very soon. This situation sounds like a time bomb. Status Quo does not seem like a viable option anymore.

[stillafool]

Hey LFW, yes my wife knows my girlfriend. My girlfriend used to work for me and that's where our relationship started. She was even pregnant with my daughter while working for me. My wife was more or less her supervisor while she worked for me. My wife and I had a lot of contact with my daughter until she was 2 years old. We went to all of her parties and even had them over for Christmas one time. I t was very uncomfortable sometimes for me. But she later left and we've been continuing on the outside for the last 2 years.

 

Oh Brian! Your poor, poor wife. How can you do this to another human being? Please tell her you have betrayed her in the worst possible way.

[Brian1]

LFW, Just to clarify, my girlfriend is 25 and was 20 when we began.