Fighting paranoia

[Bryanp]

Thanks for answering the questions. You sound like you are right on top of everything. Good luck.

[Trinfire]

Thanks for answering the questions. You sound like you are right on top of everything. Good luck.

 

I can take comfort in the logistics of recovering from an affair. Do Step 1 through 9, take 2-5 years, mix counselling, add communication. Bake 350. Serve hot.

 

I can't escape in those logistics though.

[turnera]

Ok, then, here are my suggestions. Continue to monitor, randomly, ANY place she goes electronically, for the next year. It really does take 2 or 3 years to get to a place where you can handle things, usually. So monitor, whether you want to or not, just as a matter of course.

 

Go back to therapy. There is a LOT more you can learn in therapy together, and they can help you build concrete ways to strengthen your marriage so much that you never even doubt each other again. Why would you? You're taking excellent care of each other and anyone else would pale in comparison. While in therapy, see if the MC can help you deal with the inability to have children, consider adoption, etc., in a safe environment.

 

Take some concrete steps to strengthen your marriage. Start with reading His Needs Her Needs together. Talk about every chapter. Do any homework it calls for. Fill out the EN and LB questionnaires from marriagebuilders.com and take concrete steps to stop all LBs and meet all ENs.

 

Shake up your life. Spend at least 15 hours together doing non-chore/work/household things, in other words, keep dating.

 

And practice talking. All the time. About everything. Become the safest person in the world for her to talk to, so this never happens again.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for answering the questions. You sound like you are right on top of everything. Good luck.

 

OP, you don't know him but you should probably be told that I'm not sure I have EVER seen Bryan say anything like this. Consider it a vote of confidence that you and your wife are on a pretty good path.

[Trinfire]

OP, you don't know him but you should probably be told that I'm not sure I have EVER seen Bryan say anything like this. Consider it a vote of confidence that you and your wife are on a pretty good path.

 

I want to hear I'm doing something wrong, that I'm messing up some big detail or little detail and that crossing that threshold will make everything better. It's an immature thought, but Bryan's feedback is positively mindblowing considering his usual brusqueness. Reason #1 why I came here.

[BetrayedH]

I want to hear I'm doing something wrong, that I'm messing up some big detail or little detail and that crossing that threshold will make everything better. It's an immature thought, but Bryan's feedback is positively mindblowing considering his usual brusqueness. Reason #1 why I came here.

 

Ah, you're like me. I always wanted a task to perform, to find the one silver bullet solution that I had been missing in several thousand pages of reading. I don't think it's out there, brother. I greatly underestimated the need for time to pass and to be patient with myself and the process. I wouldn't say that time heals all wounds. It's what you do with the time that matters. (Think I'm quoting Dr Phil on that one. Ugh.). What I really mean though is that even with the efforts, time is still a requirement.

 

I will say I am a little concerned about the barrage you may have handed your wife last night. It's good you shared. This is a team effort. And it's good that you recognize that three years of trying to counter conspiracy theories can be exhausting for her. I think I would share that with her and that you are also taking steps to help you with it (such as posting here). Honestly, I think it might even be good to share this thread with her. You are very open and honest about the positives of your relationship and it shows you are wanting to do your part. It may give her a bigger sense of hope than you expect. As well, being that open and vulnerable is exactly what a truly intimate and authentic marriage looks like. Something to consider.

[Trinfire]

The barrage is my own fault. I sense little things that independently aren't anything, and then let them combine up into a package. Then airdrop that conspiracy package right into her face sometimes. It's brutal and exhausting and I feel tremendously guilty for it. At the same time, if I commented on every single little thing, I'd kill her death by a thousand cuts.

 

She keeps telling me it's going to take time and she wants to work through it with me - but that's what cheaters say right before they dump you, right?

 

A good example of the kind of paranoia I am suffering from. There is no right answer she can provide; any circumstance will be turned around into a negative given enough time or thought.

 

I have set up an IC session as a result of this thread. I think it's the least I can do. Your suggestions around PTSD and hypervigilance were incredibly on-the-spot. She is willing to do more MC as well.

 

But at this point, I honestly and truly feel I am the problem. I think that even if I wasn't with my wife, my next relationship would have me acting the same way; damaged goods.

[waterwoman]

The barrage is my own fault. I sense little things that independently aren't anything, and then let them combine up into a package. Then airdrop that conspiracy package right into her face sometimes. It's brutal and exhausting and I feel tremendously guilty for it. .....

 

But at this point, I honestly and truly feel I am the problem.

 

Yep! Same here. I do the same.

 

And no you aren't the problem. Neither am I. It will take time. It will be uncomfortable and tiring and yes, I too have had enough of it. But whilst you WS is willing to hang in there you should try to beleive she wants it to work.

 

H and I had first MC session last night. It was good to get it all out calmly and let an observer have a cool hard look at it all.

Edited January 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed code

[aed]

What I read is: You have allot of trust issue's. But at the same time you defend your wife's actions and rationelize your own feelings of doubt. You make this all about you. And want to take full responsibility for what is going on at the moment and even for what happend.

 

Can you answer a few quistions to get a clearer image:

 

First howlong did your wife had an affair, of what you know of?

 

Do you truely feel you know the hole truth of the affair, including an the moments you have your 'paranoia attacts' (also the things you posted, like the miscairrge, not being their for her are mostly cheaters excusses)

 

Where you fighting paranoia before the affair?

 

What is your wife doing concrete for your recovering (and suggesting counceling, is not doing something!)?

 

What did she do to make up for her affair?

Edited January 29, 2013 by aed

[Trinfire]

First howlong did your wife had an affair, of what you know of?

 

As far as I can tell, the emotional affair started online 3-4 months before the one night stand. There was a brief period of NC after that, which resumed with more online chatting. 2 months later he attempted recontact and she handled it in public, then came home and told me the whole deal. 2 months after d-day I did catch her looking for his profile on FB, and she had created a blog detailing how much she missed talking to him but that she could never see him again and she wanted to work things out with her husband. It was a private blog that upset me greatly but that was the end of his 'involvement'.

 

Do you truely feel you know the hole truth of the affair, including an the moments you have your 'paranoia attacts' (also the things you posted, like the miscairrge, not being their for her are mostly cheaters excusses)

 

I feel I know too much actually. I recognize that the WS has a demand to know everything about what happened, physically, emotionally, all contacts, etc. And I've done that, beaten the whole situation into the ground. To be honest, at this point I've mostly forgotten about the affair - it feels like a dull memory, something that happened long ago. But the scar itches.

 

Where you fighting paranoia before the affair?

No, if anything I was completely naive to this kind of stuff.

 

What is your wife doing concrete for your recovering (and suggesting counceling, is not doing something!)?

We've done counselling together, I've detailed a lot of the stuff she did post d-day. She's making a huge effort to show me affection, tells me she loves me, keeps in regular contact while travelling. All the stuff you'd expect.

 

What did she do to make up for her affair?

Stopped sleeping with another man! *laugh* Sorry, bad joke.

[aed]

As far as I can tell, the emotional affair started online 3-4 months before the one night stand. There was a brief period of NC after that, which resumed with more online chatting. 2 months later he attempted recontact and she handled it in public, then came home and told me the whole deal. 2 months after d-day I did catch her looking for his profile on FB, and she had created a blog detailing how much she missed talking to him but that she could never see him again and she wanted to work things out with her husband. It was a private blog that upset me greatly but that was the end of his 'involvement'.

 

I never read in your response that she showed true remorse for her actions accept of telling you she loves you. People say allot, it's their actions that count!

 

 

I feel I know too much actually. I recognize that the WS has a demand to know everything about what happened, physically, emotionally, all contacts, etc. And I've done that, beaten the whole situation into the ground.

 

What did you do exactly? also when you know everything (not just practical details), you wont have any reason to doubt!

 

To be honest, at this point I've mostly forgotten about the affair - it feels like a dull memory, something that happened long ago. But the scar itches.

Okay: but the betrayel, have you forgotten that is that like a dull memory?

 

No, if anything I was completely naive to this kind of stuff.

We've done counselling together, I've detailed a lot of the stuff she did post d-day. She's making a huge effort to show me affection, tells me she loves me, keeps in regular contact while travelling. All the stuff you'd expect.

But why do you still feel like you don't trust her? And before you anwser that question: don't defend your wife and don't minimalize your own feelings!

 

What did she do to make up for her affair?

Stopped sleeping with another man! *laugh* Sorry, bad joke.

 

I don't read any clear signs that your wife showed true remorse for her betrayal!

[Trinfire]

I feel like I don't trust her because of small little actions that lend me pause. For example, she doesn't tell her gaming friends that she's married. She says she has a 'partner' but avoid talking about her personal life.

 

She has a public Instagram that has no mention of me and has several details that exclude me for some reason. For example, we took a trip to Paris, she took a picture of her room and the caption for the picture is "My apartment in Paris."

 

It's little details that lead me to believe she's not being 100% honest. She claims that she's trying to not share personal information on the web, but taking pictures of your view from your hotel in Vancouver with matching tags belies that thought; or having pictures of our friends at a house party singing karaoke, but no view of me, ever. It's like she's hiding someone from me, or hiding me from someone. That's what has my hackles up now.

 

This wasn't the case with the original affair, but I still have my radar spinning.

[aed]

I feel like I don't trust her because of small little actions that lend me pause. For example, she doesn't tell her gaming friends that she's married. She says she has a 'partner' but avoid talking about her personal life.

 

She has a public Instagram that has no mention of me and has several details that exclude me for some reason. For example, we took a trip to Paris, she took a picture of her room and the caption for the picture is "My apartment in Paris."

 

It's little details that lead me to believe she's not being 100% honest. She claims that she's trying to not share personal information on the web, but taking pictures of your view from your hotel in Vancouver with matching tags belies that thought; or having pictures of our friends at a house party singing karaoke, but no view of me, ever. It's like she's hiding someone from me, or hiding me from someone. That's what has my hackles up now.

 

This wasn't the case with the original affair, but I still have my radar spinning.

 

 

Knowing that she cheated. You have every right to be 'paranoid'. This is not the kind of behaviour you see from a person that is truely sorry for the things she has done.

 

And again what kind of remorse did she show to you?

[Trinfire]

What did she show me?

 

Shame, regret, apologies, behavioural changes.

 

She wrote me a blog, apologizing constantly, explaining what she wanted.

 

I could share that if you want the gory details.

[Darren Steez]

I feel like I don't trust her because of small little actions that lend me pause. For example, she doesn't tell her gaming friends that she's married. She says she has a 'partner' but avoid talking about her personal life.

 

She has a public Instagram that has no mention of me and has several details that exclude me for some reason. For example, we took a trip to Paris, she took a picture of her room and the caption for the picture is "My apartment in Paris."

 

It's little details that lead me to believe she's not being 100% honest. She claims that she's trying to not share personal information on the web, but taking pictures of your view from your hotel in Vancouver with matching tags belies that thought; or having pictures of our friends at a house party singing karaoke, but no view of me, ever. It's like she's hiding someone from me, or hiding me from someone. That's what has my hackles up now.

 

This wasn't the case with the original affair, but I still have my radar spinning.

Look at what you wrote. You are not a fool, or ignorant. It doesn't "seem" like she's excluding you...SHE OBVIOUSLY IS!!!

 

I mean she says she doesn't want to share her personal life yet she's showing people her vacation picture..heck they're strangers.

 

It's very simple, ask her to change her profile to married. Ask her to put pictures of you in her instagram, saying you are her husband. See what she says. If she gives you excuses she is hiding something and is still not being honest...I mean after all she slept with someone else didn't she?

[Darren Steez]

What did she show me?

 

Shame, regret, apologies, behavioural changes.

 

She wrote me a blog, apologizing constantly, explaining what she wanted.

 

I could share that if you want the gory details.

 

Is the blog viewable to the public or private just for you. Is it searchable if you type her name in a search engine?

[Trinfire]

Blog is public but unsearchable. No names attached anywhere.

 

I have asked Darren, she thinks I'm being silly. And in some ways I am being silly. I actually find it a bit egotistical of me to expect to be included in everything she does, regardless of history.

[Darren Steez]

Blog is public but unsearchable. No names attached anywhere.

 

I have asked Darren, she thinks I'm being silly. And in some ways I am being silly. I actually find it a bit egotistical of me to expect to be included in everything she does, regardless of history.

 

No now. Don't ask, demand that she changes it. Demand that any site which she has an account clearly states she is married. Demand that her instagram includes pictures of you. How many pictures does she have on instagram anyway..and there are none if you? That's not silly my friend. That is saying I'm single!

 

You allowed her to play games and chat to other men and you did nothing. Right now you shouldn't even have to ask, SHE should be moving heaven and earth to prove her love for you. Right now it seems she's ridden the storm and reverting by to her old ways.

[drifter777]

Blog is public but unsearchable. No names attached anywhere.

 

I have asked Darren, she thinks I'm being silly. And in some ways I am being silly. I actually find it a bit egotistical of me to expect to be included in everything she does, regardless of history.

 

The vast majority of BH's that post here are exactly like you in the beginning. And by beginning I mean the beginning of their decision to work on the way they feel about their wife's cheating. You blame yourself for much of the problem. You defend your wife with vigor. You go on and on telling us how hard she's working to reconcile and how much she's already done. But the thing is, you are here on LS looking for some help. You may say your feelings/fears are YOUR problem but you know in your heart they are not. You suspect something - like you haven't gotten the whole truth from her about what happened and/or you believe in your gut that she's still cheating. In the two years I've been active on this site the things you are doing right now have never worked out for a BH. Of course, you could be the first.

 

The fact that she still travels - without you - for her job is completely insane. Not only is it a great opportunity for her to continue her cheating ways, it has to be a MASSIVE trigger for you and all your pent up emotions. In effect, she is emotionally stabbing you in the heart every time she leaves. You absolutely must tell her this has to stop or you don't see a future for your marriage. And trust me, if she refuses then you don't. Just your acceptance of this is a green light for her to continue deceiving you as she pleases because there are no consequences.

 

A final thought I have is I wonder why you are putting yourself through this hell if you don't have kids. True reconciliation is the hardest thing either of you will ever do and there's no guarantee you won't end up divorcing anyway. In my opinion it's a much, much better option to divorce and start your life over.

Edited January 29, 2013 by drifter777

[Darren Steez]

The vast majority of BH's that post here are exactly like you in the beginning. And by beginning I mean the beginning of their decision to work on the way they feel about their wife's cheating. You blame yourself for much of the problem. You defend your wife with vigor. You go on and on telling us how hard she's working to reconcile and how much she's already done. But the thing is, you are here on LS looking for some help. You may say your feelings/fears are YOUR problem but you know in your heart they are not. You suspect something - like you haven't gotten the whole truth from her about what happened and/or you believe in your gut that she's still cheating. In the two years I've been active on this site the things you are doing right now have never worked out for a BH. Of course, you could be the first.

 

The fact that she still travels - without you - for her job is completely insane. Not only is it a great opportunity for her to continue her cheating ways, it has to be a MASSIVE trigger for you and all your pent up emotions. In effect, she is emotionally stabbing you in the heart every time she leaves. You absolutely must tell her this has to stop or you don't see a future for your marriage. And trust me, you don't. Just your acceptance of this is a green light for her to continue deceiving you as she pleases because there are no consequences.

 

A final thought I have is I wonder why you are putting yourself through this hell if you don't have kids. True reconciliation is the hardest thing either of you will ever do and there's no guarantee you won't end up divorcing anyway. In my opinion it's a much, much better option to divorce and start your life over.

Not only that, she travels then goes out for long walks where she's unavailable for long stretches of time...bonkers

[turnera]

I feel like I don't trust her because of small little actions that lend me pause. For example, she doesn't tell her gaming friends that she's married. She says she has a 'partner' but avoid talking about her personal life.

 

She has a public Instagram that has no mention of me and has several details that exclude me for some reason. For example, we took a trip to Paris, she took a picture of her room and the caption for the picture is "My apartment in Paris."

 

It's little details that lead me to believe she's not being 100% honest. She claims that she's trying to not share personal information on the web, but taking pictures of your view from your hotel in Vancouver with matching tags belies that thought; or having pictures of our friends at a house party singing karaoke, but no view of me, ever. It's like she's hiding someone from me, or hiding me from someone. That's what has my hackles up now.

 

This wasn't the case with the original affair, but I still have my radar spinning.

IMO, you should not move forward until she changes her status at ANY electronic site to married.

[turnera]

What did she show me?

 

Shame, regret, apologies, behavioural changes.

 

She wrote me a blog, apologizing constantly, explaining what she wanted.

 

I could share that if you want the gory details.

Did she admit it to other people, like her parents and siblings? She needs accountability partners AND she needs the humility of telling them the truth.

[Trinfire]

Did she admit it to other people, like her parents and siblings? She needs accountability partners AND she needs the humility of telling them the truth.

 

Yes she did.

[Trinfire]

With respect to my feelings, she's deleted Instagram. This isn't what I wanted but she wants to get rid of all the 'noise' around social media and just focus on the two of us.

[BetrayedH]

It'd be wise to process what drifter has to say (several hundred times). I am one of those that was "told so."

 

Have you employed the use of a keylogger at all? A GPS? A VAR? A polygraph?

 

I would remind you that you didn't create or ask for this sense of hypervigilance. You both must accept that it's a direct result of her affair and one that has to be satiated as a normal consequence in order to reconcile. There is no stuffing this crap down, or getting treatment for 'paranoia' and it ain't remotely silly.