White middle class mother concerned over daughter dating black boys

[Nosmas]

I agree with HokeyReligions:

 

Whatever your reasons - they are yours. I would suggest that you sit down with your daughter and explain your feelings and why you believe interracial dating and marriage is wrong. Whatever culture you are, your background, church, community, etc. that led you to your beliefs should be discussed with her. The world is changing and the belief system that you grew up with is not the same one that she is experiencing every day in her school and with her friends.

 

But am not surprised with the themes of overwhelming responses to the original post: "Change your mind, ignorant woman."

 

I do not believe the original post said that her 11 year old daughter was dating anyone, but only that she was worried about the direction the daughter was taking.

 

So, to give real supportive advise, I've concluded that this mother might join the nearest chapter of the Aryan Brotherhood, where her daughter will no doubt grow into the type of young woman that will only consider dating WASP males, albeit, of the lowest caliber.

[fredrolin]

Originally posted by YellowLioness

[color=red][/color] I can't believe anyone in this country, as liberated as we say we are, would post something so deliberately inflamatory. It's amazing to me that people still think this way. Back in the 1960s I would not have been suprised, because you sound just like my grandmother.

 

However, the year is 2004, in case you weren't aware, and all races are to be considered equal. Every race has its problems and predjudices.

 

 

 

What? I don't believe all races are considered equal in this country today. Racism is alive and well as far as I am concerned.

 

There is a difference between a "black man" and a "black thug".

 

I have a daughter and I probably won't like any man she dates, no matter the race.

 

Seriously though, you watch TV and you see blacks, whites, asian kids always hanging out together. Never in real life have I seen a group of kids, like at the mall for example, and all of them were friends and different races.

 

We will never ever see everybody treating everybody as equals.

[arcadia]

when i was in high school, i had two very good male friends.. one was black but came from a wonderful family and was not thuggish at all.. he was one of my best friends and i went to my senior homecoming dance with him. My parents didn't say anything about this at the time.

 

But then, my other friend, who is half black and half asian and the valedictorian of our school, asked me to my senior prom. I told my parents i was going to go with him, and they told me they didnt like the idea because i had gone to homecoming with a black guy and they didnt want people to "think something"

 

well..

 

 

i resented them for this. and immediately lost tons of repect for them as people. I had no idea my parents were so closed minded. I will never regain that respect I lost for them that day.

 

and needless to say, i went to the prom with my friend anyways. because i told them i would not fall into their stereotypical views of race. They did not stop me, but i knew they were angry.

 

You have to be careful with the things you teach your child. Teaching prejudice is never a good idea. Instead, teach them the difference between a good man and a bad one.. regardless of race.

[Proto]

Any parent who teaches their off-spring to not love a person SIMPLY because of the color of their skin is a straight up racist, period. I cannot support any parent who condones this type of behavior.

[Haunani]

Just another reason why I'm so lucky to live Hawaii........

 

quoted by Fredrolin;

*Seriously though, you watch TV and you see blacks, whites, asian kids always hanging out together. Never in real life have I seen a group of kids, like at the mall for example, and all of them were friends and different races. * (gotta learn those quote boxes

 

It's one of the greatest joys of growing up here in the islands. My son is 14, his group of friends range from white, black, filipino, asian, portugese, hawaiians, samoans to anything in between. My son is hawaiian, chinese, portugese, and half mexican........We're a mixed plate, and culturally diversified, we are the melting pot..... have all kinds, seen all kinds. And yes we are *real life*, and they really do *hang out at the mall*, and all of them........very different friends, and that's what makes them unique.

 

It's not something I was taught growing up, it was part of our culture. My mom would open her house each thanksgiving to blacks/whites whatever, military man and I just accepted that as part of life.....because in the end.......we all bleed the same.

 

Being a mother, I would also strongly oppose my sons to marry anyone that is a *thug*, be it whatever color or race they are. I'm so sorry you feel that way, but you are specifically mentioning only the black man, but to say that you wouldn't allow your daughter to marry a black man, is your opinion, and you do have that right, but is also showing some form of predjudice, and to me, it's just asking for trouble and crossing the line. Would it be any easier (for you) if she announced that she was going to marry someone just like her........middle class white girl? That would be her choice, something in the end, you will not have control over anyway.

 

Teach her respect, honesty, and trust that you've given her the ability to make strong decisions regarding her life and the choices she makes that will affect her future her life and the friends she hangs with regardless of color or creed.

 

Good luck.

[Blackmanx]

Lady, I am decent toward anyone. Those I will not tolerate are Racists, Homophobes and Misandrists (women who hate men). These people are the scum of the earth with their prejudice and unfairness. Dont be one of them.

[Nocturnalkitee]

Originally posted by Blackmanx

, Misandrists (women who hate men). Dont be one of them.

 

Blackmanx

 

Why would you say she hates men? Do you think, how she feels toward her husband, that she is taking her frustration out on his children?

[moimeme]

Just another reason why I'm so lucky to live Hawaii

 

I love Hawaii to bits. And what gorgeous people! Mixing all the races and ethnicities together results in beautiful humans

[Haunani]

Originally posted by moimeme

Just another reason why I'm so lucky to live Hawaii

 

I love Hawaii to bits. And what gorgeous people! Mixing all the races and ethnicities together results in beautiful humans

 

I can't agree more It doesn't matter the skin color here, or your accent, just if you can or can't eat the raw fish

 

Thank you for your kind words ~H

[SC Mom]

I've just read all the posts in this topic and have similar concerns as the original poster for my own daughter....

 

I have my worries on interracial relationships. Reason being (first and foremost), is that my younger sister is married to a man from Israel and while at first we truly thought he was a great guy, he eventually tried to change who she was, what she believed in, and wanted her to be the way that women are in Israel (covering up, etc). She became very depressed and unhappy with him trying to change her beliefs around to his beliefs and culture. They are now separated and in the middle of a divorce.

 

In the beginning, he really was good to her and loved her very much. There were no signs of how he actually was. They dated for over 3 years before getting married. Once married though, he tried to control how she dressed, who she talked to and didn't want her to spend time with her family or friends. They have two beautiful daughters, ages 9 and 5. He has done horrible things, such as throwing away all of the Christmas decorations my sister had (because he does not believe in Christmas). He wouldn't allow the kids to trick-or-treat, etc... He won't allow them to eat ham (which the older one loves). I am saddened to hear comments from my sister's children about people calling them "sand-niggers" and the like. These children are absolutely beautiful, and they actually look more American than they do Arabic. They have their mothers blue eyes, light skin, etc... but yet they are considered "different"! By having an Arabic last name alone has honestly been difficult for them, even given their age!

 

Now, my concerns for my own daughter...

 

I have been divorced for 12 years and have full custody of my 15 year old daughter (my only child). We are white and I am extremely concerned with her choice of friends now. She originally had the same group of friends all through school from Kindergarten to the 7th grade. She was somewhat preppy, was an avid swimmer (on a swim team for 8 years), she was in dance, cheerleading, modeling, etc... In the 7th grade, my daughter started associating with a different group of friends, she dropped ALL of her old friends, and started hanging around with what she called "mixed" kids, as well as black kids. Eventually she quit all the activities above too...

 

The change in her attitude was gradual for a while, she started acting a little different, and began listening to rap music, and eventually to thug music too. She first put up posters of Eminem all over her walls, and called me racist, due to my concerns. (OK, isn't Eminem white?!! I thought so too). I do not consider myself to be racist, but I do have prejudices toward certain type people. I believe there is good and bad in all races; bad meaning "thugs", "rednecks", etc...

 

Where I'm getting, is that it is as though she was replaced with someone else, and my daughter is not the same kid! This all changed with the change in friends. The majority of her friends now are black. Her best friend is white, but is a girl who talks and acts as though she is black. This girl has white parents, but has extended family members who are mixed. This girl also has 3 tattoos, and has her belly button pierced. Things that I would never allow my 15 year old daughter to have done. My daughter did not tell me at first that she was becoming attracted to black boys... she originally said that she liked white boys, who acted black. However, I have found out here recently that she has had black boyfriends, without my knowledge of her even having a boyfriend to begin with.

 

I personally have never been attracted to anyone outside of my race, as far as dating goes. Not to say that it is wrong per say, but that I truly have no interest. I do however have friends that are of different races (very good ones too). My dating relationships have been long-term, I have not remarried, but have been in a 4 year relationship with my boyfriend. I had never really thought about my daughter becoming interested in dating black boys before. She had always been interested in white boys. What concerns me, is that she is not herself, and I know that it is due to the choice of friends that she has now. She said that her generation is just different, and that nobody cares who you date, etc... Well, I beg to differ. I know that it is sad, but there still is prejudice in this world, especially here in my area. Just take for instance my nieces mentioned above. They are called names, just because they are "different" and they don't even look different!

 

When you see a group of black kids, and there is only one white girl hanging out with them, I'm sorry, but people DO talk. I am constantly being told "Did you know that your daughter is hanging out with black people?" Or, "I saw your daughter holding hands with a black boy", etc, etc, etc... And these comments come from young and old alike!

 

I don't know what to think, what to say, what to do!!! I am afraid for who she is turning out to be! I understand that I could be just as concerned if she were hanging out with the wrong group of white kids, but you have to understand, the kids that my daughter is hanging out with look like your average, normal black kids. At this point I really don't want my daughter dating black boys, I know that sounds bad, but it is due to her whole change in attitude. She is white, not black... no one on either side of our family is black, and yet she has grown this attraction and a behavior that is just not her! (Or the her that I use to know.)

 

My daughter almost died in the hospital this past week, due to hanging out with the girl mentioned above, and the black boys (she will not tell me who they were though). She came home around 8:45PM on a school night, obviously drunk, and it looked as though drugs were involved. She became unresponsive, and I rushed her to the ER... come to find out, she had 4 different types of drugs in her system, in addition to the alcohol. Her blood alcohol level was .3 and the legal limit is .08 which means she was almost 4 times the legal limit. She was only out of the house for less than 3 hours. (Yes, this is the first time that I've seen her like this - I had no knowledge of anything like this going on either, for that matter.)

 

I am at a TOTAL loss, and have spent the last week calling different places for help, and researching everything I can online. (That's how I found this topic.) Unfortunately, no one seems to REALLY care! The doctor at the hospital was arrogant and rude! I specifically asked for certain tests to be done (rape test even) and he refused! He said that I could take her to a Gynecologist the next day "if desired", although they said they could not do the test, since an officer was involved... Calls that I have made for help have not been returned, and even the police officer who was at the hospital seemed caring that night, but has not returned my call either... and it has been a week now.

 

My daughter is a very bright child, an A and B student... She is in advanced, honors and college prep classes... I am shocked that she would even do the above, and she says swears that all she did was drink the alcohol, and that was it. This leads me to believe that the drugs were slipped in her drinks. (?) She does not remember the whole evening!!!!

 

I haven't even slept tonight, and I have to be at work in 2 hours! I could go on and on, but I'll end my story here (sorry for the length). Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated!

 

Thank you!!

[Moose]

Boy, I'm sorry to hear such a sad situation.

 

You're daughter is with the wrong group of kids, that's for sure. And I say kids......not blacks.....not gang......she's just with the wrong kids.

 

I hope she's learned that now.

[SC Mom]

Thank you for your reply Moose!

 

I've spoken with a few more "professionals" since this post, and my daughter and I had our first counseling appointment this morning with a Substance Abuse Counselor. She put my daughter in a 12 week counseling program (which is 1 counseling visit per week) and is going to have her go to 4 - 12 Steps meetings. I'm really not sure if this will be enough. (?) I don't think that the problem is just with alcohol and drug usage, I think that there more to it; as in the company she keeps, etc...

 

I found a Specialty Boarding School that I would LOVE to put my daughter in! It's a 6 level program that lasts a year. Their success rate with adolescents is 98.6% and that is one year after following up with the families. The only problem is that I do not have $37,000 to put her in the program!!!!

 

They teach them the right tools to change the behaviors, such as:

 

Low self esteem

Self-limiting beliefs

Lack of motivation and direction

Defiance

Disrespect

Manipulation

Blame-game

Lying

Anger or Temper Outbursts

ADHD

Lack of impulse control

Academic under-achievement

Truancy

School Suspension

No regard for authority

Drug or alcohol experimentation

Running away

Breaking curfew

Trouble with the law

Sexual promiscuity

High-risk behaviors

Poor choice of friends

Failing school

 

Some of these problems (such as the school problems) my daughter does not have a problem with, but it is an excellent opportunity, if I could only figure out a way to come up with the money!

 

Prayers and advice would be much appreciated!

 

Thank you!!

[Moose]

Sounds like a great school!!!

 

I'd stick with the counceling before you decide for sure that that's the way to go. We're here for you.......keep us updated and we'll help you through this.

 

I've been through a lot raising our 5 kids and I do have some good ideas for you. We'll talk more about your money situation if the counceling doesn't help, ok?

 

Hang in there Mom!

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by fredrolin

Seriously though, you watch TV and you see blacks, whites, asian kids always hanging out together. Never in real life have I seen a group of kids, like at the mall for example, and all of them were friends and different races.

Happens all the time. Where do you live?

[cekaren]

[font=courier new][/font]

I am in a little bit of a similar situation with the white middle class mother being concerned about her daughter dating black guys.

 

I am Chinese aka Asian and am dating a white guy that I met through my ex-friend's boyfriend.

 

We've been going out for while but the problem now is that I that part of me wants to introduce him to my parents but the other part is afraid.

 

My parents want me to have a boyfriend and what not but in our family we have never openly sat down and talked about dating and what not at all.

 

This whole thing of me finding a boyfriend actually came up when I was home during a weekend from college in my sophomore year.

 

They never specified what 'type' I should have or anything of that nature.

 

He's about my age and lives where my school is in Arlington, Tx and he doesn't go to school but he does work.

 

I know they would be happy that I have a bf and what not but I'm just afraid of what they'll say and judge him harshly because he's not in school and what not.

 

That and the fact that I don't know exactly how to go about tell them about him and meeting him and stuff.

[svw1323]

I just wanted to thank everyone who has offered advise and opinions. Although some post's are just rude, others have been honest and helpful.

 

 

The wording I used in the original post was bold and to the point, even though my concern is not just black and white. I'm glad I worded it that way because it brought out the true opinions of how the world is today. Racism is alive and well and it was proven through this post. You see, those of you who had negative remarks about me and my concerns are yourself racist, against me for my beliefs. Because I believe differently. We all have the right to opinions and beliefs, thats what makes this world go round. I respect anyones right to an opinion and have learned from them.

 

 

I have learned .....

 

I am prejudice. But that's okay because everyone is to a certain degree, and not necessarily prejudice against the same things. Some of us are prejudice against color, others against beliefs, others against things that are different then what we are use to, and so on.... Being prejudice is part of being human, its how you react to your prejudice that can be wrong.

 

I worry too much. Listening to SC MOM's story has taught me the lesson of "its not that bad". Yes my daughter listens to thug rap music, she has all black and Hispanic friends, she loves basketball (a known black sport), she has posters of black sports figures and musicians with tattoos and piercing all over their bodies, she wears "the black fashions" and braids her hair........

but she is doing good in school, she is respectful, her friends are very nice girls from what seems to be nice families, she is not interested in drugs, smoking or drinking and openly talks about the issues with me. She is interested in a sport, she's in safety patrol and band in school, she is in girl scouts ( i am the leader) She doesn't get in trouble at school and is always complimented on her behavior by other parents.

I think i'm over reacting before there is truly something to react to.

 

I was focused on the wrong issue. My worries have nothing to do with being black and everything to do with being a good person who is going to treat my daughter with the respect and dignity she deserves. I know in my heart, it doesn't't matter what color, race, religion, or nationality this person is, just that my daughter is happy and taken care of.

 

 

When she brought home a poster of a black basketball player and wanted to hang it up, i lost it. I told her she couldn't hang it up and she immediatly took offense. -- then i thought about the posts everyone wrote and what i had learned about myself and my worries and i shared them with her. She was very receptive. We cryed and laughed and i think it was a huge step for us. I believe she saw more of what i was concerned about and less of the fact "i don't like blacks". Needless to say i let her hang the poster up, and she hung it behind the door so i didn't have to see it everytime i came into her room. She did that out of respect for my feelings.

 

 

I have since tryed to be more open minded about certain issues and have allowed her to spend more time with her friends, where before i was holding her back out of fear. She hasn't changed any. The influence of her friends hasn't shown any negativity. In fact a couple of her friends i have spent more time with and really enjoy their spirit and personalities. Thier black and hispanic, it dosn't change anything about them.

 

 

I still have fears she will end up with one of these thug like guys who will mistreat her....but since he's only 11, i still have time to teach her self respect, good values and judgment before she reaches the age of dating.

 

 

oh yea, i almost forgot, our step daughter moved in, it was disasterious to say the least and she has since moved out. The influence I feared on my daughter turned out to be disguest because my daughter learned how irresponsable she is as a mother and what a slob she is. My daughter was totally turned off by her behavior and lack of respect for our home, herself and her son. We love our step daughter/step sister and tryed to help her by reaching out, but she is 19, knows it all and did not accept our help, was inconviencanced by our rules and used us for a place to keep her stuff. We are still trying and reach out as much as she allows...and we do alot of praying.

 

 

Thanks agin to everyone - i think this post was worth it. SC MOM i will pray for you and your daughter...I hope things are working out with counciling. Keep us posted on how she's doing.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by moimeme

You must judge every human on his own merits, his personality, and how he lives his life, not on his colour, height, possession or lack thereof of hair, nationality or anything else.

 

I agree TOTALLY with the above stmt moimeme! Unfortunately, many times in real life things do not work like this. Unfortuantely for all of us.

 

The problem is that most people's preferences and prejudices are ingrained in them before they leave the house, i.e., in childhood. and there is not much any of us can do about it cause the parents are in control when you are young.

[Mr. Hustle]

Ok, just a few points here:

1) I am Bi-racial, and to tell you the truth, your daughters are going to do what they want reguardless of what you want. This is a new time and age from when you grew up. Either they will do it behind your back and be rebellous or they will, Just simply let you know.

 

2) If they are showing signs of doing this, you probably are already too late. They are getting curious. If you make it a point that they dont do this, they will do it anyway, in fact they will be mor persistant in doing so, as this is just human nature.

 

3.) Not everyone is a bad person. Not to say that you are racist, but by you being mad about the situation before another person is even introduced is called prejudice. That means that for some unfair reason you already have an opinion about someone just because they arn't white.

 

really and not to be rude but this is to the point.

 

As for me, I am Half black and white. I took my ex-GF's 2 Yr. old mixed child in as my own. Provided and cared for him and he is not my child. I hope she realizes what she has lost because I dont know if you do but, I know of no 21 yr old guy who will take in a kid and gain responcibility for someone else. Eventhough she walked on me, I still love her. I must be stupid. Have a good day!

[caramelbrownchick]

I am Bi-racial, half black and half white, i have dated black guys and white guys, there is no diffrence between white men and black men accept for skin color I have found that out, white men can be just as big players as black men can be. I get offended when people act like black men are all thugs and players that is def not the case, my father is a black man he has a masters degree and treats my mother like pure gold, as long as your daughter is happy, you should be happy no matter what type of guy she chooses to be with hopefully you have taught her that no man should treat her bad or disrespect her, as long as she knows this she will be fine no matter what race she is with. Oh and to kill the myth that mixed children have it so bad, I loved my life I have had friends of all races accept me for who I am.