new guy.

[migdaddy]

Im not negating anything you guys are saying. Im taking everything to heart, I truly am. But my question is this

 

This girl doesnt give herself easily to guys. Like I said, im the second guy shes been with. The first guy she lost her virginity to was a very emotionally and semi physically abusive relationship. She felt pressured when they had sex. So by her having sex with me. And when I say sex, I mean SEX. This past weekend, we had sex 6 times in 2 nights. 3 times each night. Would a woman who is so reserved and has so much self respect for herself, give herself up to me (8 times now), if she was just keeping me around for "comfort", when she has feelings for another guy back home? Thats what keeps me thinking. Now, if a woman has been with a bunch of guys, I would have run away by now, if that was the case in this situation, but the fact that shes so reserved, and im only the second guy she has been, keeps me thinking. And why would she be staying with me, willing to go and meet my family, and continue to give herself up to me, if this was the case?

 

Thoughts...?

[wisernow]

Im not negating anything you guys are saying. Im taking everything to heart, I truly am. But my question is this

 

This girl doesnt give herself easily to guys. Like I said, im the second guy shes been with. The first guy she lost her virginity to was a very emotionally and semi physically abusive relationship. She felt pressured when they had sex. So by her having sex with me. And when I say sex, I mean SEX. This past weekend, we had sex 6 times in 2 nights. 3 times each night. Would a woman who is so reserved and has so much self respect for herself, give herself up to me (8 times now), if she was just keeping me around for "comfort", when she has feelings for another guy back home? Thats what keeps me thinking. Now, if a woman has been with a bunch of guys, I would have run away by now, if that was the case in this situation, but the fact that shes so reserved, and im only the second guy she has been, keeps me thinking. And why would she be staying with me, willing to go and meet my family, and continue to give herself up to me, if this was the case?

 

Thoughts...?

 

You weren't talking about sex. Anyone can have sex. You were talking about wanting exclusivity. If sex is your barometer, then go forth.

 

Just be real. Sex is a beautiful thing, but sounds like you want more.

[justwhoiam]

I see your point, migdaddy, something definitely doesn't match.

 

What she says and what she does don't match. I need a lot of commitment to get intimate with someone. She probably needs that too, because as you said she doesn't have sex that easily. But she found you. You are providing that necessary trust. However, she doesn't want to get tied right now. So that means she's keeping doors open.

 

Again, my advice now is do not accept everything passively. That will end up being a turn off for her, especially as she grows up. That's 90% guaranteed. You can keep your 10% chance that she will love it, or risk it and let her see you have .........

[migdaddy]

You weren't talking about sex. Anyone can have sex. You were talking about wanting exclusivity. If sex is your barometer, then go forth.

 

Just be real. Sex is a beautiful thing, but sounds like you want more.

 

I do yes, sex doesnt mean anything to me. Ive had it all before. But im just curious as to why a girl who would give herself up to me, so easily, and continue to do so...

[migdaddy]

I see your point, migdaddy, something definitely doesn't match.

 

What she says and what she does don't match. I need a lot of commitment to get intimate with someone. She probably needs that too, because as you said she doesn't have sex that easily. But she found you. You are providing that necessary trust. However, she doesn't want to get tied right now. So that means she's keeping doors open.

 

Again, my advice now is do not accept everything passively. That will end up being a turn off for her, especially as she grows up. That's 90% guaranteed. You can keep your 10% chance that she will love it, or risk it and let her see you have .........

 

Can you explain that more please...

[justwhoiam]

Can you explain that more please...

... balls. I hope it's clearer now.

[wisernow]

I do yes, sex doesnt mean anything to me. Ive had it all before. But im just curious as to why a girl who would give herself up to me, so easily, and continue to do so...

 

Because she can. She enjoys it. You're placing too much value on that.

[migdaddy]

Again, my advice now is do not accept everything passively. That will end up being a turn off for her, especially as she grows up. That's 90% guaranteed. You can keep your 10% chance that she will love it, or risk it and let her see you have .........

 

No seriously, I don't understand what you mean by this...can you please elaborate.

[umirano]

No seriously, I don't understand what you mean by this...can you please elaborate.

justwhoiam is saying you should not be her doormat/toy/pet, which you are by not seeing through her cynical denial of exclusivity.

 

You want exclusivity, she doesn't, you don't step up for your needs, you will get hurt. No one else is to blame. Like everyone, she is trying to get the best deal out of everyone around her, including you. You are not special to her. She likes sex, that's why she is having sex with you, not because you are a white knight saving her from all the evil.

 

Wake up man. At least step up for what you want. If you don't, you will get ****ed over.

 

Also: She isn't a bad person. She just optimizes, like everyone. If you don't tell her what you want she might never know. You are responsible for communicating your needs to her if she can't see them by herself.

[migdaddy]

I honestly think this relationship is over, or nearing the end. I really do.

 

I should have never gotten on Skype last night with her. It started out us being happy and smiling together, and it turned into be one a hellish of a night.

 

She said something seemed wrong with me. And theres was. It was everything we talked about in this thread. But I didnt say any of that. I just told her I was upset about my grandpa (who is dealing with this ****) and im upset about my job situation (I just got laid off). She immediately put her head down, and just withdrew herself from the conversation. I asked what was she wrong. She started to cry. She then hung up on me. We texted back and forth, me asking what the hell i did? She said she was sad bc she couldnt make me happy,and that I was unhappy as soon as I came on skype. So untrue. We both smiled and were happy to see eachother.

 

I told her why i was upset. I never once mentioned her. This chick is so ****ing needy. She said that seeing her should alleviate some of my sadness. I said "is it not ok for me to be sad about normal things in life? You were upset all day and night the other night bc of family issues, and I stayed up with you all night comforting you to the best of my ability. And I dont get that in return. I tell you im upset and what im upset about, and you ****ing shut down, making me feel like im the bad guy, making me stay up till the break of down apologizing to you, and making me go to bed depressed. Its not right.

 

I wrote out this huge long thing on my phone about me ending this and why, and I might be sending that pretty soon. I talked about be feeling like a doormat, which is exactly how I have began to feel. I talked about the red flags she has shown as to why I think I am not the only guy she is seeing. I gave 100% of myself to this girl, and I dont get any in return.

 

She used to compliment me all the time "your amazing, your incredible, your perfect for me etc etc" I havent gotten then in a long time. And its been a red flag for me. Im upset, im not gonna lie, im pretty damn heart broken. I gave this girl my heart, and it was toyed with, just like it has been on numerous occasions.

 

I texted her this morning, and she is super short with me. I think she thinks its nearing the end of this as well. Im honestly expecting her to back out of the vacation. Im waiting for it. And I wont be surprised when she does. I honestly never thought this would happen like this, so soon. It ****ing hurts. And i dont know how I am going to be able to love again. I have been ****ed with so many times, that I almost feel numb. I feel numb to the pain. I just want to crawl in a hole, cry, and hide away. This girl used to make me feel amazing, and on top of the world, and now she makes me feel depressed, anxious, sad, upset, worried. I became dependent on her. I became dependent on her to make me happy. This girl had a very special place in my heart. I went above and beyond for her, and ended up not getting the same, and I am honestly done. I would rather be alone, not talk to her, then to talk to her, and continue to go through the same bull**** that happens once a week. Its weird. I want to cry. But i have cried so many times bc of this girl, that I have tried, and nothing comes out. No tears. Ive exhausted myself. Ive run out of tears. Ive run out of emotions.

 

Im going to let her initiate contacting me. Im not bending over backwards anymore. If she really cares the way she says she does, then she will contact me. If not, then her true colors show.

 

**edit** just now, she sends me 2 hearts. No words, just 2 hearts. I sent 2 hearts back, but im letting her initiate all the contact today. I want see how to she reacts to me being distant today. Im gonna play that game, reverse the roles a bit, and she how she handles it.

 

Also, honestly, I feel like shes now using me to go on this vacation. By the way, this vacation is to the British Virgin Islands. We are doing a 7 day private sailboat trip going island to island, in paradise. I feel shes using me. I feel after that trip, she will distant herself, and thinks might end. How do I deal with that thought, among all the others I just laid out?

Edited January 27, 2013 by migdaddy

[amayana]

I honestly think this relationship is over, or nearing the end. I really do.

 

I should have never gotten on Skype last night with her. It started out us being happy and smiling together, and it turned into be one a hellish of a night.

 

She said something seemed wrong with me. And theres was. It was everything we talked about in this thread. But I didnt say any of that. I just told her I was upset about my grandpa (who is dealing with this ****) and im upset about my job situation (I just got laid off). She immediately put her head down, and just withdrew herself from the conversation. I asked what was she wrong. She started to cry. She then hung up on me. We texted back and forth, me asking what the hell i did? She said she was sad bc she couldnt make me happy,and that I was unhappy as soon as I came on skype. So untrue. We both smiled and were happy to see eachother.

 

I told her why i was upset. I never once mentioned her. This chick is so ****ing needy. She said that seeing her should alleviate some of my sadness. I said "is it not ok for me to be sad about normal things in life? You were upset all day and night the other night bc of family issues, and I stayed up with you all night comforting you to the best of my ability. And I dont get that in return. I tell you im upset and what im upset about, and you ****ing shut down, making me feel like im the bad guy, making me stay up till the break of down apologizing to you, and making me go to bed depressed. Its not right.

 

I wrote out this huge long thing on my phone about me ending this and why, and I might be sending that pretty soon. I talked about be feeling like a doormat, which is exactly how I have began to feel. I talked about the red flags she has shown as to why I think I am not the only guy she is seeing. I gave 100% of myself to this girl, and I dont get any in return.

 

She used to compliment me all the time "your amazing, your incredible, your perfect for me etc etc" I havent gotten then in a long time. And its been a red flag for me. Im upset, im not gonna lie, im pretty damn heart broken. I gave this girl my heart, and it was toyed with, just like it has been on numerous occasions.

 

I texted her this morning, and she is super short with me. I think she thinks its nearing the end of this as well. Im honestly expecting her to back out of the vacation. Im waiting for it. And I wont be surprised when she does. I honestly never thought this would happen like this, so soon. It ****ing hurts. And i dont know how I am going to be able to love again. I have been ****ed with so many times, that I almost feel numb. I feel numb to the pain. I just want to crawl in a hole, cry, and hide away. This girl used to make me feel amazing, and on top of the world, and now she makes me feel depressed, anxious, sad, upset, worried. I became dependent on her. I became dependent on her to make me happy. This girl had a very special place in my heart. I went above and beyond for her, and ended up not getting the same, and I am honestly done. I would rather be alone, not talk to her, then to talk to her, and continue to go through the same bull**** that happens once a week. Its weird. I want to cry. But i have cried so many times bc of this girl, that I have tried, and nothing comes out. No tears. Ive exhausted myself. Ive run out of tears. Ive run out of emotions.

 

Im going to let her initiate contacting me. Im not bending over backwards anymore. If she really cares the way she says she does, then she will contact me. If not, then her true colors show.

 

**edit** just now, she sends me 2 hearts. No words, just 2 hearts. I sent 2 hearts back, but im letting her initiate all the contact today. I want see how to she reacts to me being distant today. Im gonna play that game, reverse the roles a bit, and she how she handles it.

 

Also, honestly, I feel like shes now using me to go on this vacation. By the way, this vacation is to the British Virgin Islands. We are doing a 7 day private sailboat trip going island to island, in paradise. I feel shes using me. I feel after that trip, she will distant herself, and thinks might end. How do I deal with that thought, among all the others I just laid out?

 

Hey man, I understand you're upset about this. I really, really do but just let me tell you a couple of things.

No one should ever be responsible for your happiness. You're the only person responsible for that. People can obviously add to your happiness but they shouldn't be the sole source of that happiness because they simply can't.

 

If you feel depressed and sad, it's because something inside you is saying 'hey I hate this right now, please stop this, it's no good. Let me move on'. And all you need to do is find a way to stop it/make it better/move on. Don't put your happiness and well-being in someone else's hand, it will always go wrong! Trust me...

 

And you know, what makes me a little bit mad is that you lied to her, you were dishonest to her. Yes, it's easier to be dishonest in order to avoid a massive conflict but sometimes it's better just to face things and AVOID being the doormat. If you're tired of being the doormat, stop being the doormat and put the cards on the table! What kind of a relationship is that anyway?? Honesty and trust are absolutely essential in any relationship, even though the truth is ugly and hurts at times. If you can't tell your girlfriend what your concerns are, and if she gets mad and makes you feel bad for being concerned, she's NOT someone you should be with at this point.

 

I believe that in a way you just don't want to see how things truly are with this girl and so you postpone the inevitable. Don't blame her for that though, because it's entirely in your hands. She's obviously not the one losing out, it's definitely you. And as long as she gets something out if it she will keep seeing you. Like other people said, that doesn't make her a bad person, she's what I call an 'opportunist'. Some people get by like that because they always find someone silly or naive enough who is willing to give everything even if they don't get much or anything return, maybe except a few tears. You know that sometimes children just start crying to manipulate their parents so they get what they want? (They obviously don't do it consciously, they just have a wrong perception of need). Well some people never learn a different way. So don't immediately assume that her crying means she's genuinely sad. Maybe she noticed she's losing this great opportunity (you) and is looking for ways to make you mellow and make you keep her in your life. Don't go down that road, seriously....

 

Oh, and most importantly... Actions speak louder than words. I'm sure you've heard that somewhere already and truer words were never spoken. Everyone can do some sweet talking, it's not that difficult. I could tell you the same things, that you're amazing and perfect, and you wouldn't believe me, I'm sure. But I guess this girl blinded you a little because she tells you things you WANT to hear from her. Ever thought about that?

Edited January 28, 2013 by amayana

[migdaddy]

Hey man, I understand you're upset about this. I really, really do but just let me tell you a couple of things.

No one should ever be responsible for your happiness. You're the only person responsible for that. People can obviously add to your happiness but they shouldn't be the sole source of that happiness because they simply can't.

 

If you feel depressed and sad, it's because something inside you is saying 'hey I hate this right now, please stop this, it's no good. Let me move on'. And all you need to do is find a way to stop it/make it better/move on. Don't put your happiness and well-being in someone else's hand, it will always go wrong! Trust me...

 

And you know, what makes me a little bit mad is that you lied to her, you were dishonest to her. Yes, it's easier to be dishonest in order to avoid a massive conflict but sometimes it's better just to face things and AVOID being the doormat. If you're tired of being the doormat, stop being the doormat and put the cards on the table! What kind of a relationship is that anyway?? Honesty and trust are absolutely essential in any relationship, even though the truth is ugly and hurts at times. If you can't tell your girlfriend what your concerns are, and if she gets mad and makes you feel bad for being concerned, she's NOT someone you should be with at this point.

 

I believe that in a way you just don't want to see how things truly are with this girl and so you postpone the inevitable. Don't blame her for that though, because it's entirely in your hands. She's obviously not the one losing out, it's definitely you. And as long as she gets something out if it she will keep seeing you. Like other people said, that doesn't make her a bad person, she's what I call an 'opportunist'. Some people get by like that because they always find someone silly or naive enough who is willing to give everything even if they don't get much or anything return, maybe except a few tears. You know that sometimes children just start crying to manipulate their parents so they get what they want? (They obviously don't do it consciously, they just have a wrong perception of need). Well some people never learn a different way. So don't immediately assume that her crying means she's genuinely sad. Maybe she noticed she's losing this great opportunity (you) and is looking for ways to make you mellow and make you keep her in your life. Don't go down that road, seriously....

 

Oh, and most importantly... Actions speak louder than words. I'm sure you've heard that somewhere already and truer words were never spoken. Everyone can do some sweet talking, it's not that difficult. I could tell you the same things, that you're amazing and perfect, and you wouldn't believe me, I'm sure. But I guess this girl blinded you a little because she tells you things you WANT to hear from her. Ever thought about that?

 

Trust me, honesty, Communication and trust are the 3 most important things for me in life. I just have a gut feeling that she is doing something behind my back, I really do. There have been some red flags, and I'm getting nervous about it. Now, I want to ask, I truly do. But, I feel that if I do ask her, she will get super defensive and that would be the end of it. I truly think so. I know, if someone gets defensive about something like that, they are hiding something. I'm in a pickle. I either ask, and most likely ruin things by her thinking I'm untrustworthy, jealous, etc etc, or I don't ask, and continue to worry, and let myself possibly, not definitely, but possibly, get hurt in the end. No idea what to do.

[wisernow]

Hey man, I understand you're upset about this. I really, really do but just let me tell you a couple of things.

No one should ever be responsible for your happiness. You're the only person responsible for that. People can obviously add to your happiness but they shouldn't be the sole source of that happiness because they simply can't.

 

If you feel depressed and sad, it's because something inside you is saying 'hey I hate this right now, please stop this, it's no good. Let me move on'. And all you need to do is find a way to stop it/make it better/move on. Don't put your happiness and well-being in someone else's hand, it will always go wrong! Trust me...

 

And you know, what makes me a little bit mad is that you lied to her, you were dishonest to her. Yes, it's easier to be dishonest in order to avoid a massive conflict but sometimes it's better just to face things and AVOID being the doormat. If you're tired of being the doormat, stop being the doormat and put the cards on the table! What kind of a relationship is that anyway?? Honesty and trust are absolutely essential in any relationship, even though the truth is ugly and hurts at times. If you can't tell your girlfriend what your concerns are, and if she gets mad and makes you feel bad for being concerned, she's NOT someone you should be with at this point.

 

I believe that in a way you just don't want to see how things truly are with this girl and so you postpone the inevitable. Don't blame her for that though, because it's entirely in your hands. She's obviously not the one losing out, it's definitely you. And as long as she gets something out if it she will keep seeing you. Like other people said, that doesn't make her a bad person, she's what I call an 'opportunist'. Some people get by like that because they always find someone silly or naive enough who is willing to give everything even if they don't get much or anything return, maybe except a few tears. You know that sometimes children just start crying to manipulate their parents so they get what they want? (They obviously don't do it consciously, they just have a wrong perception of need). Well some people never learn a different way. So don't immediately assume that her crying means she's genuinely sad. Maybe she noticed she's losing this great opportunity (you) and is looking for ways to make you mellow and make you keep her in your life. Don't go down that road, seriously....

 

Oh, and most importantly... Actions speak louder than words. I'm sure you've heard that somewhere already and truer words were never spoken. Everyone can do some sweet talking, it's not that difficult. I could tell you the same things, that you're amazing and perfect, and you wouldn't believe me, I'm sure. But I guess this girl blinded you a little because she tells you things you WANT to hear from her. Ever thought about that?

 

^^This^^. What wonderful advice. OP, I hope you read this more than once.

[wisernow]

Trust me, honesty, Communication and trust are the 3 most important things for me in life. I just have a gut feeling that she is doing something behind my back, I really do. There have been some red flags, and I'm getting nervous about it. Now, I want to ask, I truly do. But, I feel that if I do ask her, she will get super defensive and that would be the end of it. I truly think so. I know, if someone gets defensive about something like that, they are hiding something. I'm in a pickle. I either ask, and most likely ruin things by her thinking I'm untrustworthy, jealous, etc etc, or I don't ask, and continue to worry, and let myself possibly, not definitely, but possibly, get hurt in the end. No idea what to do.

 

Or maybe you ask and get the truth. If she gets mad, then she could give to shi*ts about you or the relationship. If she tells you that there is indeed something going on, then you can make your decision to stay or end the relationship, but you have all the information to make an informed decision.

 

You need to man up here and take responsibility for your happiness and quit letting her have all the power.

 

You need to grow a pair here and show some respect for yourself, or keep letting her know that she can do whatever she wants and you'll just suck it up and take her crap.

[migdaddy]

Or maybe you ask and get the truth. If she gets mad, then she could give to shi*ts about you or the relationship. If she tells you that there is indeed something going on, then you can make your decision to stay or end the relationship, but you have all the information to make an informed decision.

 

You need to man up here and take responsibility for your happiness and quit letting her have all the power.

 

You need to grow a pair here and show some respect for yourself, or keep letting her know that she can do whatever she wants and you'll just suck it up and take her crap.

 

I know, I 100% agree. I just have to find the right time to do it. I'm putting it off, I know. The thing is, last time (1 week ago) I said I just want to know that I'm the only guy your with and that we are exclusive. She said "what are you concerned about?! Are you really asking me this right now" and said I was being un trusting and possessive. Is this a red flag? That's why I'm holding off asking a question I want to know, bc I'm afraid shell freak the hell out again. The thing is, we have only seen each other twice, but we have been talking since October. Every single day since then. We saw each other in December, and once again last weekend.

[wisernow]

I know, I 100% agree. I just have to find the right time to do it. I'm putting it off, I know. The thing is, last time (1 week ago) I said I just want to know that I'm the only guy your with and that we are exclusive. She said "what are you concerned about?! Are you really asking me this right now" and said I was being un trusting and possessive. Is this a red flag? That's why I'm holding off asking a question I want to know, bc I'm afraid shell freak the hell out again. The thing is, we have only seen each other twice, but we have been talking since October. Every single day since then. We saw each other in December, and once again last weekend.

 

Who cares if she freaks out. You are being played and you know it. If you do nothing and just accept her crap, then don't bitch about it. Are you really that needy that you'll put up with this? She is placating you so she can go on that vacation. Once that's over, I fear she will dump you before her tan fades.

[migdaddy]

Who cares if she freaks out. You are being played and you know it. If you do nothing and just accept her crap, then don't bitch about it. Are you really that needy that you'll put up with this? She is placating you so she can go on that vacation. Once that's over, I fear she will dump you before her tan fades.

 

Damn, I hear you. I do. But, what if I'm over thinking things, and by asking this ill ruin things, when in reality something isn't even going on. That's what I'm concerned about...

[wisernow]

Damn, I hear you. I do. But, what if I'm over thinking things, and by asking this ill ruin things, when in reality something isn't even going on. That's what I'm concerned about...

 

Alright. Do what you need to do then. I fear this isn't going to end well for you, and you're going to to really get your heart stepped on. If you want to continually let her dictate this relationship, then so be it. Just know, you're giving all your power away. But, you are allowing it. And, for your sake, I hope you are right.

 

Good luck.

Edited January 28, 2013 by wisernow

[amayana]

Trust me, honesty, Communication and trust are the 3 most important things for me in life. I just have a gut feeling that she is doing something behind my back, I really do. There have been some red flags, and I'm getting nervous about it. Now, I want to ask, I truly do. But, I feel that if I do ask her, she will get super defensive and that would be the end of it. I truly think so. I know, if someone gets defensive about something like that, they are hiding something. I'm in a pickle. I either ask, and most likely ruin things by her thinking I'm untrustworthy, jealous, etc etc, or I don't ask, and continue to worry, and let myself possibly, not definitely, but possibly, get hurt in the end. No idea what to do.

 

Well, maybe all of this is because this relationship should end, do you know what I mean? If you can't trust her and you say trust and honesty are so important to you why don't you just break up with her for good? Or, rather, for your own good. You put way too much effort in this, don't waste your energy and time with something you can't change.

And, another thing... This is not an exclusive relationship as far as I understand so she's free to see as many men she wants to see. She may or may not be seeing someone else apart from you. The thing is that she does want to keep that option open so don't be surprised if at some point she'll probably mention someone else. You both want different things, which means this relationship won't work. That's the main issue and will sooner or later end with you breaking up.

 

Look, there are so many beautiful girls that don't play games with nice guys like you. So, please, do us all a favour and give those girls a chance to be with you or at least get to know you. If you're stuck with someone who doesn't appreciate you for who you are, you're missing out on so much in life. I've been there and it took me a while to stop lying to myself but I was thankful once I did. There's more to life than this girl, work on your self-esteem, have fun, live your life and someone who's right for you will come along. And believe me you'll know, you won't even question that person because they'll do anything to make you feel worthy and loved.

Edited January 28, 2013 by amayana