Is our run over? Female input appreciated!

[harnold]

I met this girl a little over a year ago (Oct/Nov 2011). There was an instant connection. We would hang out, but she was always enormously flaky.

 

Background: I’m 25, she’s almost 23. She’s been single for 4 years but by choice, despite being approached frequently, as she believes that now is not the right time for a relationship because of school. I’ve been her only partner for over a year (supposedly). She is pre-med, but has been struggling to prepare for her MCAT (med school admissions exam) for a while.

 

I was baffled by this girl’s flakiness. I could read her eyes and gestures in person and they all indicated a definite attraction towards me. So I continued to pursue her for many months, and ascribed her flakiness to her MCAT dedication.

 

To make a LONG story short, she took her MCAT in the Summer; she performed poorly, but decided to take it again in the Winter after relaxing a bit. Things began to drastically change. The flakiness disappeared. We hung out more, were intimate, and our communication improved. She said she couldn’t believe I put up with her bull**** for so long (took 9 months for us to have sex from when I met her)

 

This continued into the fall semester, though we saw each other infrequently (once every ten days, on average). We were last intimate in October. She would sometimes act affectionately with me in public and private. She dropped hints of wanting an eventual relationship. I got her a box of chocolates for her birthday, and she said she wanted to cook me dinner for mine (late October).

 

Then, hurricane Sandy happened. I lost much of my house and couldn’t move back until December. My bday plans got pushed back. Then, finals, and plans were again pushed back. Then, she began studying for MCAT again. Etc etc

 

Though we always saw each other infrequently, the last time I saw her was over a month ago. However, we maintained contact. We spoke on the phone about 3 weeks ago for an hour. We texted. She said she was down to come over sometime after New Years, but before she takes her MCAT (Jan 24, i.e. this Thursday).

 

The past 2 weeks have seen little communication. I texted her 2 weeks ago to hang out. She responded saying she just wanted to focus on studying until her exam. Ok. 10 days go by with no contact, and I text her something random. The conversation goes nowhere. She does not reply to my last few messages, which is somewhat atypical of her.

 

Basically, I feel like there is distance growing between us. What's the deal? Has our run grown so overextended that she has lost interest? Is it MCAT?

 

She is supposedly taking her MCAT this Thursday, but I have doubts. When I texted her asking how studying was going, she took the conversation in another direction. She’s been going out a lot recently, which I have no problem with, but makes me question her comment that she “just want to focus on studying until MCAT”.

 

I guess what it comes down to is that I need to wait to see if her disposition towards me again changes after Thursday. Maybe I am overreacting. It is honestly difficult to distinguish her flaky behavior from her “normal behavior”, but her “coldness” these past 2 weeks is, again, atypical. In the past, whenever we had not spoken for a week or so, she would always eventually reach out to me. But it has never been this long.

 

Input? I am just looking to get some perspective on what’s going through her mind.

Edited January 21, 2013 by harnold

[Lani]

Like you say, it's going to be hard to tell until after Thursday.

She does seem pretty flaky, and I guess you need to decide whether or not you can handle it. I don't think you can, because you've posted on here about it.

 

Leave things until next week, and see how things are after her MCAT.

[carhill]

Insufficient interest.

 

Question: Did she also lose her home in Sandy?

[harnold]

Insufficient interest.

 

Question: Did she also lose her home in Sandy?

 

She did not. You are going to say that she very well could have cooked me dinner at her house, right?

[carhill]

My inquiry was designed to resolve the issue of interest. You suffered a life altering event and she's been largely absent. You, OTOH, resolved that issue and continued to show interest. That's good information.

[harnold]

My inquiry was designed to resolve the issue of interest. You suffered a life altering event and she's been largely absent. You, OTOH, resolved that issue and continued to show interest. That's good information.

I may be misunderstanding your post, but my response:

 

I would say her absence began during our Winter break (specifically, 2 weeks ago) rather than after Sandy. She was actually very accommodating during Sandy, offering me her house if I needed anything, texting me frequently and keeping me updated on the outside world (we had no internet/tv, etc), etc.

 

The fact that we kept pushing things back is not so much the issue, in my eyes. This has happened with her in the past before whenever either of us gets too busy. Again, only the past 2 weeks have really been "an issue". Communication has grown atypically cold, but maybe that is to be expected being in the supposed MCAT home stretch... I've noticed her personality always changes drastically in times of stress. The reason I wrote the other stuff was to establish a background, but prior to these past 2 weeks everything was "fine"... or rather, same as its always been

[carhill]

I read this:

 

 

Then, hurricane Sandy happened. I lost much of my house and couldn’t move back until December. My bday plans got pushed back. Then, finals, and plans were again pushed back. Then, she began studying for MCAT again. Etc etc

 

And, upon subsequent question, it became this:

 

I would say her absence began during our Winter break (specifically, 2 weeks ago) rather than after Sandy. She was actually very accommodating during Sandy, offering me her house if I needed anything, texting me frequently and keeping me updated on the outside world (we had no internet/tv, etc), etc.

 

.....Underscoring the importance of clear communication. Perhaps that is an aspect worth pursuing with her. Clarifying. If she chooses not to clarify, meaning provide you with clarity regarding her perspective on your association, then that's good information.

[TouchedByViolet]

The level of inconsistency in her behavior makes me think she is not interested.

 

Also, poor communicators are the worse type of people to attempt a relationship with. So many things are left in grey areas and it feels like basic levels of trust and understanding are not established. You should try to find someone better.

[candie13]

you're probably the fall back guy. It doesn't matter if it's the exams or not, she does not owe you anything and viceversa. Her only responding when she feel like it shows that she is taking you for granted.

 

Why take this poor treatment, why take a long distance relationship, why are you so hung up on her? Look at your potential abandonment issues , this may have nothing to do with her, but with how you are taking rejection.

 

Can't make someone love you. Can't make someone want or work for a relationship with you. And ... if there was an instant connection, she would have reflected this in her behavior. Sorry, man, you're by yourself in this. I admire your perseverance and wish you find someone who appreciates this quality!

[harnold]

Thanks for the responses! The perspective is truly appreciated.

 

I'm not sure if the reason I am pursuing this girl is personal abandonment issues. I have been single for about 2 years now, despite being continually approached by quite a few girls. I guess I just find in this girl what I do not find in those other girls, which is why I continue to pursue her and reject others.

 

Or maybe I just have trouble accepting reality.

 

I guess I just struggle with a particular concept. I remember speaking to her 2 1/2 weeks ago and everything being cool. Just 3 days later, at the 2 week MCAT mark, I text her to hang out, and it is at this point when I perceived the coldness to begin.

 

I know for a fact that this girl has been in contact with me way more than any other guys over the course of the past year that I've known her. I mean common, what could have really happened in those 3 days to COMPLETELY change her attitude towards me by 180 degrees? Other than the quick approach of MCAT...

[harnold]

Bump for more input!

[veggirl]

What are you even getting out of this relationship? School, finals etc aside, if someone is interested they will make it happen. It sounds like your relationship has been shaky at best for the entire year+! I'm baffled you haven't dated other girls, instead this girl gets you when its convenient for her and when she wants you?

[harnold]

What are you even getting out of this relationship? School, finals etc aside, if someone is interested they will make it happen. It sounds like your relationship has been shaky at best for the entire year+! I'm baffled you haven't dated other girls, instead this girl gets you when its convenient for her and when she wants you?

 

Well, believe it or not, I'm actually "ok" with the weird status we had prior to my posting this thread. In fact we have even (briefly) touched upon it in conversation together. I don't think it is the right time for a relationship for me either; given where I am in my academic career at the moment, I think an "official" relationship would not be appropriate and would divert valuable time.

 

Which in part may explain why I have been so willing to go along with the "relationship" we have.

 

Again, the only thing that really upsets me about this relationship is the way the past 2 weeks have developed. Not the whole thing in its entirety.

[harnold]

Another bump.

 

I did some searching on the topic on some med student forums, and this seems to be a very common theme among couples where one partner is involved in pre-med/med school etc. In other words, it is common for the person studying medicine to have a distant personality while in school.

 

At this point, I know this girl well enough to say that she would never simply "dead" anyone so abruptly.

 

I'll probably send her a text wishing her good luck tomorrow (even though she wasn't very responsive to my last few), and I hope things improve afterwards. At least for the near future.

 

If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But I've stood with her this long, why not a lil longer?

[pbjbear]

I read your post until it said "enormously flaky" and then I stopped

 

Never put serious investment into someone with this kind of quality. Ever

 

They will not change and they will drive you insane

[harnold]

Thank you for all the advice given in the thread. I have decided to wait and see if things improve after MCAT, and cut my losses if they do not.

 

Meanwhile, I have posted a new thread. Even gayer than this one.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/369159-texting-message-unresponsive-chick