dreamingoftigers Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Would you look at this gem right here Another beautiful reason why i dont want to get married http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/367637-i-want-out-my-marriage-because-i-feel-nothing-my-husband-anymore Poor husband and poor 6 year old girl. As you see husband is trying to fight for his wife but she just wants to be "free" . Boy did I ever rag on her. I wonder if I'll get reported for that.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 That's what I meant. I'd rather go and try finding a needle in a haystack than finding an individual that doesn't have any of these issues. Best of luck. If you read the rest of the post, I mentioned offset etc. But it is entirely possible that marriage is not for you.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 If everything that you say is accurate (disclaimer, no offense) than you are a very clear victim of financial and emotional abuse. I strongly recommend seeking independent counseling. Using your shame as a weapon to extort and imprison you is unacceptable. Consider getting an attorney quickly as well. It does not sound like you are in the USA. Don't play games or wait to make some action. The independent counseling will help strengthen you. Find a support group of some kind, even if it is church or what have you and start to talk to people about your shame. You will often discover that you are not alone and that way you can realize that you are not outnumbered by her army of one. See if you can get a voice recorder to catch her talking about her personal plans with your joint funds and her threats to you. Regardless of whether or not you choose to work on your marriage in the future, you need to seriously empower yourself with knowledge of "what abuse is" and "how to stand up to it or escape it when necessary." What Is Abuse? Often abusers threaten the relationship to keep you "in line." Disgusting. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I strongly mean this: the second you reject being treated that way, you are one step closer to having a better life, even if it doesn't feel like it at first. I wish i would have seen your thread before i got married. Right now i earn and my wife spends. She told me i will pay rent and all expenses and she will save her money she earns in a private account. Isnt it ridiculous. She does not let me drink beer and go out with my friends She does not let me visit any relatives' place, even though i ask her she can of course accompany. She has demands of cell phone, car, house etc. etc.. She tells me we are having a degraded life(Even THough 100% of her paycheck is saved and all expenses are taken care of). And a lot more..................................................... Every day is like hell It is her private accounts. She is multiple accounts. Some even offshore. She sends money to offshore accounts too and saves some here. I agree it is not healthy life and it has started taking toll already. I explained her that we have to share accounts she refused, i explained her thats how everyone does, she disagrees, i showed her examples, she argues and says 'Its my way or divorce'. I am temporarily just going with the flow trying to find better ways and thinking what are my alternatives in life to deal with society after that At some point i think i should start telling this 'society' at this point. The talks would definitely reach to her and she could feel guilty and change(very little chances) or she would call everything off. She is taking advantages of my kindness and the fact that i am ashamed of having divorce again. I was already divorced earlier and so was she. She is a shamelss women, but she knows i come from a reputable family and would not be willing to divorce again. She takes advantage of this and until i am not prepared, i have to go through this crazy injustice. And this is one thing. I bear many more atrocities from her
dreamingoftigers Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 This made me cringe when I read it. Same thing sort of happened to me, except I was in a LTR, not married. One night I walk in and see my ex in bed with a naked man and my daughter in the same bed, completely blind sided me. Month later she gets a new apartment and is posting on Facebook how she walking around the house naked getting her pussy pounded. The scars from that will result into me never wanting to get married or be in another relationship. I still feel so embarrassed to this day. I believe all women are unpredictable and untrustworthy the more I read here. US society is so demoralized, I see no point in marriage these days. That sounds incredibly traumatic! Disgusting and unhealthy treatment of a partner for sure! I went through some very painful incidents in discovering my husband's infidelities. However, nothing quite so graphic. Although after about a half of a dozen D-days, I still have some residual trauma. Your trauma is obviously very deeply ingrained. One thing that really helped more than anything else was EMDR trauma therapy. (with buzzers, not the hand flapping crap). It took away the "mind movies" and a lot of the shame. It is NOT talk therapy and so you don't have to go into any kind of detail regarding the incident(s) in question. It will also remove the majority of the shame and embarrassment. I completely understand the concept of being psychologically "burned" by the opposite sex in such a manner. It took me quite a long time to accept that men could be trustworthy and that even my husband could slowly rebuild my trust in him over time if he got the proper help and realized the impact of his behaviours. After EMDR, you get a better sense about people too. It is pretty amazing stuff. I am impressed by the gains I made since my youth thanks to it. In fact it is the only thing I feel is a blessing due to my husband's infidelity. I know that often men say "they get hit worse" by infidelity. I can strongly assure you that I was completely debilitated. I cried for over 400 days straight and could only keep myself together for my daughter. My self-esteem ruptured and hemorraged. I wanted to die a lot of days, except for my daughter. It wasn't just the infidelity, it was the fixation on it and the amount of it. I couldn't trust him to drive to the store to pick up milk and come home that night. I couldn't get back up because I kept getting kicked down. My world was very black for a long time and I have not 100% recovered (I stopped being able to afford to finish EMDR awhile ago. I hope to return this summer and finish. The results that did occur were like night and day, it did wonders for my self-esteem and self-perception. I also grew incredibly strong and stopped accepting my husband's attitude and behaviour towards me. I know that your post isn't about me. I am also not attempting to convince you to try a relationship out, but there is hope for the third degree psychological burn you received if you can save for it. I am sure that many health plans cover it, although I know relatively little about US insurance. I wish you the best and that you can pull through even just to model assurance that your daughter need not be like her "mother." I don't think your ex should have any custody of her. That alone is a form of abuse. 1
Nyla Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 It is her private accounts. She is multiple accounts. Some even offshore. She sends money to offshore accounts too and saves some here. I agree it is not healthy life and it has started taking toll already. I explained her that we have to share accounts she refused, i explained her thats how everyone does, she disagrees, i showed her examples, she argues and says 'Its my way or divorce'. I am temporarily just going with the flow trying to find better ways and thinking what are my alternatives in life to deal with society after that At some point i think i should start telling this 'society' at this point. The talks would definitely reach to her and she could feel guilty and change(very little chances) or she would call everything off. She is taking advantages of my kindness and the fact that i am ashamed of having divorce again. I was already divorced earlier and so was she. She is a shamelss women, but she knows i come from a reputable family and would not be willing to divorce again. She takes advantage of this and until i am not prepared, i have to go through this crazy injustice. And this is one thing. I bear many more atrocities from her Call her bluff and divorce your wife. She is selfish and controlling. I will also add that you have allowed your wife to treat you in this manner. Stand up for yourself! Saving face is no reason to stay married. 2
M30USA Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Dreamingoftigers, You asked me if I won my custody case. I guess I "won" in the sense of fending off her barrage of accusations and distortions which rose up like a tidal wave in divorce court. She tried to have the kids taken from me entirely, under the accusation of abuse. Judge saw through it. Unfortunately from a custody standpoint I lost. She got primary and I have the typical weekend deal. She mostly won because she has family close by and I don't. That's basically what won it for her.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Dreamingoftigers, You asked me if I won my custody case. I guess I "won" in the sense of fending off her barrage of accusations and distortions which rose up like a tidal wave in divorce court. She tried to have the kids taken from me entirely, under the accusation of abuse. Judge saw through it. Unfortunately from a custody standpoint I lost. She got primary and I have the typical weekend deal. She mostly won because she has family close by and I don't. That's basically what won it for her. Oh that's crap. If a woman here pulled out wood a beat her husband with it in front of the kids, she'd be having to do some serious work to get weekends even.
M30USA Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Oh that's crap. If a woman here pulled out wood a beat her husband with it in front of the kids, she'd be having to do some serious work to get weekends even. Where do you live? My lawyer was pretty blunt with me. He said flat out that a woman has to do a LOT WRONG to not get primary custody. Meanwhile a man has to be virtually flawless with lots of money to get primary.
Author Curious-One Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 (edited) It is her private accounts. She is multiple accounts. Some even offshore. She sends money to offshore accounts too and saves some here. I agree it is not healthy life and it has started taking toll already. I explained her that we have to share accounts she refused, i explained her thats how everyone does, she disagrees, i showed her examples, she argues and says 'Its my way or divorce'. I am temporarily just going with the flow trying to find better ways and thinking what are my alternatives in life to deal with society after that At some point i think i should start telling this 'society' at this point. The talks would definitely reach to her and she could feel guilty and change(very little chances) or she would call everything off. She is taking advantages of my kindness and the fact that i am ashamed of having divorce again. I was already divorced earlier and so was she. She is a shamelss women, but she knows i come from a reputable family and would not be willing to divorce again. She takes advantage of this and until i am not prepared, i have to go through this crazy injustice. And this is one thing. I bear many more atrocities from her Listen to me man, she is clearly just using you. There is no if's and butt's about it. I would be very surprised if she wasn't withholding sex from you (i am guessing once or twice a month is probably what you guys average) There is absolutely no reason why she is saving her money in her private accounts and off shore accounts that are not in your name while you are paying for all the bills. I know its hard that this will be your second divorce but forget what people will think and just do whats best for you. I would suggest you talk to your parents or family about this so that they understand why you are thinking about divorce. Nobody would look at you badly if they knew what she was doing to you. TRUST ME. You have two options my friend and BOTH end up in a divorce!!!!!!!!!! One: You divorce her now and start rebuilding your life now while you are young. Work on your finances, your hobbies, have fun, travel and enjoy your life. You will be much happier man. Having a girlfriend or an LTR is fine but me personally i would not marry especially if i went through everything you did. Two: You stay with her and be miserable. She has all the best thing while you have nothing. You cant enjoy your life because you have to pay all the bills by yourself and dont have enough money left over. After you are older or she has reached enough money to live comfortably she will leave you divorce you and it will be too late for you to recoup financially. You will not be able to get any of the money because she will have stashed the money in offshore accounts (this women is clearly a bish but a smart bish with a brain/plan) Furthermore your life would have passed by with you being her little puppy and not having any hobbies or any good experiences in your life. Life is short you should enjoy it....dont worry what others are thinking about your second divorce. They are out there enjoying their life while you are being miserable. Edited January 15, 2013 by Curious-One
Author Curious-One Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 This made me cringe when I read it. Same thing sort of happened to me, except I was in a LTR, not married. One night I walk in and see my ex in bed with a naked man and my daughter in the same bed, completely blind sided me. Month later she gets a new apartment and is posting on Facebook how she walking around the house naked getting her pussy pounded. The scars from that will result into me never wanting to get married or be in another relationship. I still feel so embarrassed to this day. I believe all women are unpredictable and untrustworthy the more I read here. US society is so demoralized, I see no point in marriage these days. Wow that is just crazy. I think i would have gone crazy if i encountered something like that. I am curious was your daughter small and they were having sex in the same bed while your daughter was there or was your daughter old and she was actually having sex with them???? Either way man i just cant imagine what you went through. Oh and i wanna mention something else about my cousin. 2-3 months before they moved out she got pregnant. However he told me that they were barely having sex at that time (she was never in the mood) and that she was always coming home from work late. So after she got pregnant, maybe 1or 2 months later she started bleeding and apparently had miscarrige. My cousin thinks that its a huge posibility that it wasnt his baby but it was the black guys baby that she was most likely having affair with.... she got with the black guy as soon as she left my cousin. Oh and my cousin is white so she knew that if she had the baby my cousin would know that it wasnt his. So he thinks she did something to herself on purpose to have miscarrige or went and got an abortion without his knowledge.
rajcs25 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I am in U.S.A. Thanks for the valuable information Please advise what type of Abuse is this I read the link and it says 'Financial Abuse' is when you are not allowed to spend or you are not allowed to do a job, which is not the case here. I would like to throw some challenging legal words in front of her so she understands that her dictatorship, cheating and malicious intents wont work That's the help i am looking for from this forum - Strategies that i can develop to stop this in a smart way.. If everything that you say is accurate (disclaimer, no offense) than you are a very clear victim of financial and emotional abuse. I strongly recommend seeking independent counseling. Using your shame as a weapon to extort and imprison you is unacceptable. Consider getting an attorney quickly as well. It does not sound like you are in the USA. Don't play games or wait to make some action. The independent counseling will help strengthen you. Find a support group of some kind, even if it is church or what have you and start to talk to people about your shame. You will often discover that you are not alone and that way you can realize that you are not outnumbered by her army of one. See if you can get a voice recorder to catch her talking about her personal plans with your joint funds and her threats to you. Regardless of whether or not you choose to work on your marriage in the future, you need to seriously empower yourself with knowledge of "what abuse is" and "how to stand up to it or escape it when necessary." What Is Abuse? Often abusers threaten the relationship to keep you "in line." Disgusting. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I strongly mean this: the second you reject being treated that way, you are one step closer to having a better life, even if it doesn't feel like it at first.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Where do you live? My lawyer was pretty blunt with me. He said flat out that a woman has to do a LOT WRONG to not get primary custody. Meanwhile a man has to be virtually flawless with lots of money to get primary. Calgary, AB In Ontario you have to scrap it out if you DON'T want 50/50.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I am in U.S.A. Thanks for the valuable information Please advise what type of Abuse is this I read the link and it says 'Financial Abuse' is when you are not allowed to spend or you are not allowed to do a job, which is not the case here. I would like to throw some challenging legal words in front of her so she understands that her dictatorship, cheating and malicious intents wont work That's the help i am looking for from this forum - Strategies that i can develop to stop this in a smart way.. Well, she isn't letting you spend what you earn and she is taking it, so that counts. There are plenty of other, more in-depth links on financial abuse. Even coercing someone about their money is financial/emotional abuse. And here you just thought you were married.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 No, she was just a little baby ( at least to me, 3 years old). She would always crawl in bed with mommy and daddy, that time she crawled in bed with her mother and a strange man. Your cousins story is horrific. I can't imagine the feelings he must be dealing with. I still have intense feelings of betrayal, anger, embarrassment and sadness. I can't beleive people act so carelessly. I've isolated myself for the last 5 months because of this. I can't bare going out and having people ask me about this. I had huge public anxiety as well. I would near panic attacks if I had to go shopping or stop at the mall etc. School was really hard to attend at first. I felt like people knew there was something really, really wrong just to look at me. It was awful. Dude.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I am in U.S.A. Thanks for the valuable information Please advise what type of Abuse is this I read the link and it says 'Financial Abuse' is when you are not allowed to spend or you are not allowed to do a job, which is not the case here. I would like to throw some challenging legal words in front of her so she understands that her dictatorship, cheating and malicious intents wont work That's the help i am looking for from this forum - Strategies that i can develop to stop this in a smart way.. Psychological abuse - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia National Domestic Violence Hotline It does technically fall under Domestic Violence. However most people think of hitting and punching etc when they hear the words DV. The definition has been expanded. Try not to feel stigmatized or ashamed. There is NOTHING to feel ashamed of. Many people learned poor coping skills and boundaries growing up and can't see the damage they are causing or receiving. They just know it feels bad and often they think it is their fault. Honestly I am sure I fit some on the list myself before getting help. I am not entirely sure that I am 100% free of all forms of psychological abusing/being abused but H and I are still learning and growing. Change is tough.
Later82012 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Best of luck. If you read the rest of the post, I mentioned offset etc. But it is entirely possible that marriage is not for you. Yeah, I think so too. It is tough to choose one to be a wife from those running around.
Author Curious-One Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 (edited) They were both drunk that night as well, so who knows what truely went on in that room. This is the kind of stuff that will harden your insides up though. I've kind of lost faith in human beings. Like you, my self esteem has been crippled. All I'm left with is these feelings and images in my head of all that has happened over these last several months. Hopefully they'll be a day when all the feelings dissipate and I can move on. I'll never forgive her for what she did though. Man i completely understandable what you are going through and i am sure i would be going through same thing if i was in your position. However its not healthy to think/act like that so you have to try and pull yourself out of it man. You did nothing wrong so you dont deserve to feel that way. There are still plenty of good people in this world , it just so happened that you stumbled upon a crazy bish. Having sex with another man while your little kid is right next to you in same bed. You have to be crazy to do that. Edited January 15, 2013 by Curious-One
Author Curious-One Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) So i was just reading articles on yahoo like i do everyday and i came across this. Now keep in mind this is on the front page of yahoo , one of the main articles on there. "What I Wish I Knew Before I Got Divorced" | Love + Sex - Yahoo! Shine Pretty much a guide on how to extract the most money from a man in a divorce. Look at the comments , some pretty angry guys on there lol as it should be. Edited January 16, 2013 by Curious-One
M30USA Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 So i was just reading articles on yahoo like i do everyday and i came across this. Now keep in mind this is on the front page of yahoo , one of the main articles on there. "What I Wish I Knew Before I Got Divorced" | Love + Sex - Yahoo! Shine Pretty much a guide on how to extract the most money from a man in a divorce. Look at the comments , some pretty ungry guys on there lol as it should be. Curious-One, Would you expect it to be any different when our society ALSO tries to milk people for as much money as they can get? Unfortunately, there is a downside to being a "smart business person". You lose the ability to see things objectively. Gain is always your prime agenda. As the ancient Confucius said... "The superior man is aware of righteousness, the inferior man is aware of [how to get an] advantage."
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