I want out of my marriage because I feel nothing for my husband anymore!

[EmilyM]

My husband was transferred to Hawaii from NY six months ago, He is a cop and although I didn't want him to agree to it but realizing he had to to keep his job I agreed to move there after he had settled in, This was a massive test to our marriage as we were starting to have conflicts in our marriage, We always have a daughter who turns 6 this year. I moved out a month later but realized two weeks later that I didn't want to live there and an even more terrifying feeling came over me, I didn't want to be married anymore, Im not seeing or have feeling for anyone else I just feel like i need time alone, We have been together 7yrs & I feel like i don't know who I am anymore. I want to raise our daughter in NY were she is use to & with people she knows. After serious thought I decided I was going to move back home and arranged everything to leave but it took me awhile to tell him how I felt I just kept acting cold towards him, I felt numb when he touched me but as weird as it sounds I feel as ease with him when we have sex.

 

The night before I was due to fly back home I started crying and told him I didn't want to be his wife anymore & showed him a letter that I had filed for divorce, He just looked at me confused and said he feels like I just stabbed him in the heart. The many reasons I don't want to be his wife are too personal and too sad for me to share here most of it has to do with my need for freedom right now. I haven't seen him since but through rare phone calls he tells me he isn't going to make it easy for me to just walk away, That he won't give our marrigae up without a fight and that he wants our daughter back near him so he can see her. I've felt unhappy in our marriage for awhile now but tried hard to hide it and im sure I was just waiting for something to be an excuse to leave. Am I a horrible person for leaving my husband to find my own happiness again? Any advice is welcome.

[GuyInLimbo]

You're certainly not a horrible person. You shouldn't apologize for expressing your feelings.

 

I find it a little strange he had to move all the way to HI from NY. There are plenty of other police jobs out there that aren't 6,000 miles away. That's a HUGE move for anyone.

 

I can sort of see his shock to this all, as it appears he wasn't aware you were at all unhappy. Is MC in the cards at all? What's tough here is that you guys have a 6-year-old. No way in hell would I ever want to be more than a few minutes' drive from my kids. So, that's going to be a tough fight one way or another. I don't envy you. I'm more concerned about your daughter, though.

 

Again, you are NOT a horrible person! You are human!

[TigerCub]

Why did you keep your negative issues about the marriage hidden from your husband?

 

It seems like you didn't give him a chance at all to try and fix things or make the marriage better.

 

That doesn't seem so fair.

 

If I was acting in way that's causing my bf to be unhappy or not fulfilling him in some way, I'd sure like to know so that we can discuss things and see if things can be fixed.

 

Wouldn't you have wanted that if it was the other way around?

[BetrayedH]

Someone once told a story here about sitting around with three old married couples that had all managed to be married for decades. The person asked them if any of them had ever fallen out of oove with their spouse. All of them started snickering at one another, eventually all confirming that it had happened to each person and sometimes more than once over the course of the marriage.

 

The beauty of a marriage is that it survives the bad times. You should expect that they will happen. When they do, there are a lot of options to pursue that will bring you towards one another. You have to reinvest in the marriage at these times, not walk away from it.

 

The challenge is that if you don't learn this lesson during this relationship, you are destined to repeat it in your next one. You cannot leave a marriage every time you become "unhappy." Well, obviously you can but you leave a lot of destruction in your wake and in this case, it's affecting a six year old and a husband that you haven't even said has done anything wrong.

 

My $.02...

 

Return to HI and give your marriage and husband another shot for the sake of both of you and your daughter. Leaving with just a day's notice gave your H no chance to make changes to improve the marriage. This may have been a wake-up call that was necessary for both of you. Marriages need tending; too many of us start taking them for granted. It's a mistake but doesn't mean you need to throw the marriage away. Instead, go tend to it.

[NervisPervis]

Good for you. A walk-away that had the BALLS to do something about it. Send you're hubby to me. I'll fix him. I'll tell him what happens when a wife walks away after 7 years but DOESN'T tell you. Tell him how my life is over at 50 and I've got three teen kids to continue raising with a woman that hates me.

 

I'll also convince him you're not coming back. Save BOTH of you that heartache.

 

That move was the best thing to happen to both of you. You'd have stuck it out if he stayed in NY, am I right?

[Mystery2Me]

So sorry you are hurting and confused. I would agree with Guy to give your marriage a change, and would kindly suggest marriage counseling. In any marriage there are ups and downs, and it seems your family is in the valley.

 

However, from what you described your husband is willing to work at saving the marriage and intimacy is still alive.

 

We women often times loose ourselves in our important relationships wheter it be daughter, sister, wife, mother, or aunt....we have to constantly work to maintain our identity as an individual.

 

My story is a bit similar to yours in that for majority of our 15 yr marriage, I lived/studied/worked where my soon to be ex-husband career demanded. My now marriage is ending due to his infidelity, and it has been extremely emotionally painful to move forward.

 

Of course there are no guarantees, but I would give it go.

 

Take care and be very kind to yourself. ~Mystery

[whichwayisup]

Emily, as soon as you started feeling not happy, why didn't you reach out and talk to your husband? Instead of being cold to him and detaching yourself, maybe he could have tried more, spent more time with you, reconnected with you. Or at best, you two could have tried marriage counseling. To just up and divorce without giving him a chance or you a chance to see if this is just a rough patch or if you are wanting a D, isn't fair to your 6 year old. With changes, moves, job, daily stresses of life, it's easy to let other things get in th way.

 

Why did you marry him? What did you love about him most? What changed and why?

 

I understand that you don't want to share too much on here in details, but did you allow yourself to crush or get close to another man and it's confused you?

 

Being a cop's wife isn't easy, but before divorcing him, you all should some counseling...Which should happen either way because you will still need to co parent with him forever and if you two can get along, put your child first, the better off she will be.

[Curious-One]

Women like you are the sole reason why i made this thread

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/367626-marriage-scary

 

What do you mean you want to be free. Dont you think you should have thought about that before you got married and had a 6 year old girl. You are being selfish only thinking about yourself and disregarding your girl and your husband.

 

 

Your husband clearly loves you because he is willing to fight for you. How is your girl gonna react when she hears her dad will be thousands of miles away from her.

 

 

Why dont you tell us those "personal" reasons you want to leave your husbadn. I mean this is a anonymos forum and we dont know who you are.

 

 

I am wiling to bet you wanna go around and sloot around just like the girls in sex and the city.

[KathyM]

You're just confused right now and having some kind of identity crisis. Don't do anything rash while you're in this state. I would suggest you seek some independent counseling so that you can figure out why you are having these feelings.

[Mint Sauce]

google "7-year itch". It probably has little to do with your "very personal" reasons, it may just be classical relationship dynamics. Unless there is something really dysfunctional about your marriage, I'd go with BetrayedH's advice.

[dreamingoftigers]

Seriously girl.

 

How cruel to your kid!

 

Dragging her back and forth because you decided no warning that you didn't want to play ball anymore.

 

Don't say that you don't want to be married anymore because simply: you don't know what the Hell you want aside from going home.

 

It "just hit you" and you didn't stop to think "why? And how can I avoid breaking up my family and splitting my child from her father and putting us all through a crap divorce and Hell?"

 

I realize you've got your own stuff going on, but your kid didn't ask to be brought into your emotional impulsiveness. She was born into a family. That means you work your ass off to provide her with emotional security and prepare her adequately for a divorce IF IT'S NECESSARY.

 

I'm sure anyone on here can try to call me out on marriage or parenting but it's pretty obvious from your OP that only one person in your family matters to you if you can rearrange lives because you can't weather a personal crisis. My finger is pointing straight at you.

 

Get your ass back to Hawaii and stop avoiding your abandoning impulse! There's a guy you've been married to who's willing to work this out with your dumb ass! And in case you haven't noticed, there's a kid around somewhere too!

 

And honest to God, my husband put me straight through Goddamn Hell for three years. I'm not saying anyone should go through that BUT I know pretty well that there are only a handful of things that stop a woman's feeling for her man DEAD in their tracks. Number one is when SHE cheats. You might not be with someone right at the moment, but if you were it could very easily have the same affect. And from what I know, you can't fix that with anything short of being honest with yourself.

 

Dammit life's unfair. Some bitches get a basement suite in Alberta, done bitches get Hawaii....

[dchief20]

The many reasons I don't want to be his wife are too personal and too sad for me to share here most of it has to do with my need for freedom right now.

 

So who is the OM?

[aMguilts]

So who is the OM?

 

Harsh.

 

But i agree.

You don`t want to share your reasons for not wanting to be with your husband , for not wanting your marriage anymore?

 

You will get a lot of slack on here for not wanting to be up front.

 

You got things to hide from an `anonymous` forum?

I hate to think what you are hiding from your husband

 

aM

[William]

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