shellen Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 think u should really stop reading so much into every detail that's is happening in her life... so what if someone came into her office right before 5? really, the less u know the less u will let ur imagination run wild.. so dun contact her anymore!! ive been through the same thing...ill get pissed when my ex does not reply my msges, does not answer my call or off his hp and i will be wondering he must be with his new gf... well my ex never intended to let me know he had a new gf but a friend of mine bumped into them, so i dunno which is worse an ex over zealous in letting u know the latest happenings in his/her love life or one that deliberately hides it... but at least i know my ex did not try to play on my jealousy...in fact now that i know it he still does not mention anything abt her when we do talk... anyway if u dun call her or msg her you wun go mad wondering when she will reply, when she will return ur calls, and what she is up to when she does not respond... so dun contact her anymore...i know its not easy....but im doing it now... and my ex has been contacting me for the past two weeks i dunno for what, but i just ignored... so u can do it too!! come on!! and is what ur ex saying abt u true or is she just trying to push blame to u? blaming u for the reason why she cannot go back to u... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted August 27, 2004 Author Share Posted August 27, 2004 I am not sure...I think she has some truth to what she is saying...they are things I have thought of myself... She actually came by and spent a few hours with me tonight...I was surprised. We had a good time...and for that I am glad. My dad says I should just let things be, and relax...and stop worrying...that if it will happen, it will happen, worrying it won't make it happen. He said I should be focused on the journey (the friendship) not the destination (a relationship/marriage, etc.) He used the analogy of travelling across country. He said people who are focused on the destination, take a plane...people focused on the journey drive across country.... Interesting...I thought. Link to post Share on other sites
j_nelson Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 man, you need to let it go....if she wants you she will come back....don't analyze her every move so much unless you want to lose her for good...you need to get some confidence and forget about her for now....its hard I know, I'm going through the same thing although not as bad as you I dont think....anyway, keep going on dates...if she wants you she knows where to find you. Until then, tell her to get lost... Link to post Share on other sites
SwEeT P Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 i agree... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted August 27, 2004 Author Share Posted August 27, 2004 This I can say. She talked about emotional stability, and self confidence. It occurred to me this morning, that she has never seen me in a situation where I have felt confident about the "us" thing, because there has always been someone else lurking close by. In the beginning, it was her now ex-fiance...it has been other guys, and most recently this 54 year old. He (and her ex-fiance) don't see anyone else as potential threats...because they don't know that there was one (me.) Whereas, in each case, I have known...thereby giving me cause for concern. This concern, and fear of the other "guy" winning her over, because I DO know of their existence/threat potentional...makes me look less confident, and less assured of myself... I don't know if that makes sense...if I am wording it well. I know that she came by last night, we had a good time... She seemed yesterday like she was trying to reassure me of something...but I am not sure what it was. Because, as close as I felt to her yesterday, today..the concern is back. She talked quite a bit about him this morning... told me his career path, he has a nice house...he works a second job when he doesn't need one...he likes to read literature (she loves classic literature and movies.) So, now I am thinking, wow...how could someone like me ever "compete" against someone like him? I know all of you think I should just completely ignore her...but I have no other friends here... And I have few friends to start with. So, turning my back on her, and ignoring her...would not be as easy as it sounds... Not to mention, we were childhood friends (we went to elementary school together for one year) so it would be hard to walk away from that... I would essentially be setting myself up to be alone here...until I made some new friends...which isn't easy for me, if you can't tell by now... I think that is why my dad is telling me to focus on the friendship... Link to post Share on other sites
j_nelson Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 You are dragging this on and on buddy. It's over. Until you IGNORE her, she will keep stringing you along and you guys will be the 'best of friends'...which I know you don't want. You need to face reality. Forget about her. Go out, MAKE new friends...things aren't always easy. Your dad is giving you bad advice by telling you to focus on the friendship until you realize that that is all it will be. If you are satisfied by JUST being her FRIEND then you should focus on the friendship. Understand that's all it is though. Link to post Share on other sites
pixie2004 Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 You already made up your mind that you dont want to leave her. You want to be "reserved" till the end of days. Why do you ask our help if you already made up your mind and don't listen when we tell keep - Kick the dumb@ss under her buttttt. I agree with j_nelson - you are dragging this on and on and on... It is really simple and clear, should we spell it out for you... L E A V E T H E B * T C H A L O N E Hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
echo419 Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 Jerry, I can understand where your coming from---everyone here knows how hard things can be. That being said, I think you have 2 choices here. 1. Continue doing what you are doing. This will just lead to more questions, more pain, more saddness, more worrying, etc. Maybe--I think there is always a maybe--she changes her mind and comes back to you, and you alone. I think that is HIGHLY unlikely at this time. Sorry, but thats what I get from this. 2. FOCUS ON YOURSELF. She even told you what basically everyone here is telling you. If you can stop worrying about her so much and start working on yourself it can only better your chances with her later----and along the way who knows you might meet someone else and totally forget about her. -you said.... --She did tell me two things. I need to be emotionally stronger. She told me I can say I am...but actions speak louder than words. My dad knows I am...but...when it comes to her...I have trouble. She also told me my lack of confidence in myself is not good for us, as just friends...or if we were in a relationship. Self esteem is something I need to work on....very shy... even though I work in radio... --stop, read the above paragraph again ^^^^^^^^^^^ If you agree with this, then DO IT! BE EMOTIONALLY STRONGER--what I think you need to realize is this...You are driving yourself crazy always thinking about what you can do to make it work. She has made a decision and you cannot change her mind by doing what you are doing. There is nothing you can do but WORK ON YOURSELF. If you could hold back from calling her all the time, and even ignore her when she calls sometimes---she will respect you more and it will show her that you are becoming emotionally stronger. More importantly this will have a better effect on YOU. Lets see, do you have a work buddy...someone you get along with pretty well where you work? Maybe you guys have similar intrest? Making friends isn't as hard as you might think. What do you like to do? What are your hobbies? Go out with what friends you do have and make more! Sorry for the long post, but let me sum it all up with this..... Don't always "be there" for her. Focus on yourself, spend time thinking about your good and bad qualities....Work on your weakness'. This is the best thing for YOU right now. Who knows, if it was meant to be--it will be and if not, you will have grown from this and be that much better for the next person that comes into your life. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 yeah, every time you talk to her she is analyzing you. every time you slip, or sound negative she takes it as a crystal clear sign that you are NOT improving. Consider also that she may also just be trying to make things easier for you, when in fact she is making it easier for her. Stop being readily available and she'll start to wonder why. Don't explain why. Don't give her anything to analyze. Don't avoid her, but don't rush to contact her, return calls or talk. You can talk to her, but don't volunteer information and don't lie to her, but give her vague answers or change the subject when she bring up your feelings. Just say you're fine, and change the subject. You want her to view you as independent and interesting. Does she call you on the weekend? Why don't you take a weekend vacation out of town and when you get back, if she calls you can talk about the great time you had. Take a friend. Then you can say "we had a great time". We? Who did you go with? A friend of mine. Who? Oh, sorry, there's the doorbell. I have to go, I'll talk to you later. OK? Bye. Click. Better to call this "no pressure" than "no contact". Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted August 28, 2004 Author Share Posted August 28, 2004 Thanks for the thoughts...folks... I messed it up anyway... Didn't mean to...but she called me at work...and then told me she would call me back after lunch, which ended up about 2.5 hours. I found out she had gone to lunch with "him" but didn't eat...because she doesn't like a guy to pay for her unless he is her boyfriend/significant other... Well...long day at work...on my way home, and she called me while I was talking to a friend... I switched over...and told her I would call her back. I did call her back, and right after I started telling her about work, she told me to hold on...that I shouldn't go any further, because she was getting out of the car in a minute, because she had to go. I was quiet because a) it felt deja vu...she had said something almost exactly like that a couple of days ago? (not sure) when she was at work, on line, b) I realized I was being quiet, lost in the thought, and what that usually means c) she said I was quiet so I must be irritated... so she was thinking that I was being the same old jealous me...which was the same thing I was thinking, that she was thinking that (Follow me?) I then tried to fix it...which only made her mad...she said, "you are doing it again, and it is making me angry, now instead of needing to go in a minute, I want to go now." I still tried to explain my way out of it...but, she insisted on going... So, she is thinking of me as being the jealous jerk...at a time when we have been so close for the last week. I just feel depressed, and like women will never find me attractive, because I try too hard...and worry... Ahh well...forget it, I blew it again... Link to post Share on other sites
SwEeT P Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 well maybe u do try to hard.....but like everyone said just leave her alone........."SHE IS NOT WORTH IT".......... Link to post Share on other sites
shellen Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 well...in my humble opinion, it is obvious u still cannot handle talking to her in a nonchalant way....so my advice is better dun talk to her until u have healed... for me i did not practise no contact w my ex to heal coz i stupidly wanted to remain friends with him, but along the way as i stumbled and fall, i got up and slowly learnt the smarter way... it's now slightly more than a yr and i dun need him in my life anymore. i want him, but i dun need him... i know clearly i want more than a friendship with him, so since he cannot satisfy that, then forget it... i dun want to settle for second best...u noe wat i mean... in fact is highly possible that i can never see him as a friend because each time we talk, feelings get stirred up in me , the chemistry is still there... things may change in the future i dunno, but i'll worry about that when it happens... for u...it seems u never learn from ur mistakes (sorry if i sound blunt) and even when you've been hurt by her actions so many times in the same way...u still let yourself into it... i know when u are blinded by love, you overlook the flaws of the person u love.. but surely u will reach a point when enough is enough.... hmmm but seems like u have an unusually high threshold of tolerance so i think the only way to pluck yourself out is to stop contact... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted August 28, 2004 Author Share Posted August 28, 2004 Well...no contact doesn't seem to be a problem...since we had our issue at 7:30, and it is almost 10..and I know she is avoiding me. But, one of the things she has complained about...was me calling her back, and trying to fix things...and so far, I have avoided that...resisted it... Link to post Share on other sites
SwEeT P Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 thats what u need to do.......dont call her if she calls u dont answer.... Link to post Share on other sites
shellen Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 hmmm couple of hours is not considered no contact... so hang in there... dun give in... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted August 28, 2004 Author Share Posted August 28, 2004 Well...it is almost midnight...and no call from her, and I have not called her. So, for one of the first times, I actually stuck to one of her rules... and didn't call her back, and try to fix it...and she hasn't even acknowledged my effort. No wonder the 54 year old looks good. Link to post Share on other sites
shellen Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 u dun get it do you?? no contact is for YOU it's not to stick to her rules and wanting her to acknowledge it! goshhh...u are in a worse mess than i thought... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted August 28, 2004 Author Share Posted August 28, 2004 Yes, I am pathetic. I caved, and called her cell phone about 10 minutes ago. She didn't answer. All I said on my message was that I was sorry for earlier, and that was all I could say about that, and I guess I will talk to her later. I have a bad headache...I don't feel good...and I am a loser... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted August 28, 2004 Author Share Posted August 28, 2004 The sad thing is...she just said to me today, she doesn't want to fight with me ever again...she wanted to start out today, like we were starting over...no fights...no negative history...and I made a quick end to all that... Sometimes I wish someone would shoot me like an old dog...and put me out of my misery, and everyone's misery who knows me. Link to post Share on other sites
shellen Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 i dunno what advice to give u... coz u dun heed any of them... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted August 28, 2004 Author Share Posted August 28, 2004 No, believe me, I think I've got it now. It has been just about 12 hours since the "issue." I called her at almost 1 a.m. (and believe me, I know she is usually still up.) So, I guess whether I want no contact or not, that is the way it will be. I am not calling her again. She doesn't like it, and each time I do it, it makes me feel even worse. If she wants to talk to me, she'll call. If she doesn't, then it's all over, friendship and all. So much for starting over. She probably had a great time last night with him, no guilty feelings towards me (because I made her angry) and none towards her ex-fiance. I think she lost her patience with me, and without hearing my full side of the story, about what was going on in my head, tried and convicted me. And since the new old guy has no knowledge of her past with me, or her ex... he feels no threat...so he can exude all the confidence in the world... What is done is done. Thanks for all your advice, in the end, I ran the Titanic into an iceberg anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted August 28, 2004 Author Share Posted August 28, 2004 So...she calls today...and we chat about yesterday. She said she wanted to meet me for lunch... So I agree to meet her at a nearby restaurant...which is next door to a clothing store. I meet her in the clothing store...and then I figure out she is buying clothes for a "date" tonight with the ol' guy. That kind of made me mad, but I kept my cool. So, we went to lunch...that was fine...she brought his name up once, I changed the subject. When she left, she realized she was running late, and was going to be late to meet her date. So, she was late for her date, because she was eating with me... Odd, don't you think? Anyway...now it is time for me to take a low profile. She has told me to chill out...and not to panic when people don't call for a few hours or days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted August 29, 2004 Author Share Posted August 29, 2004 August 29, 2004 She told me when she just called that she had a “um…conversation” with the new guy. They talked about their past relationships, and divorces, and he made it clear what his feelings are for her. As she puts it, he wants her. He wants all of her, but she specifically quoted him as saying he “wanted her heart.” When I asked her where she saw the relationship going, she said she didn’t know. She enjoyed spending time with him, and being around him, she didn’t feel like she had to think about being a mother, or being maternal…which kind of stung…since she has often told me she feels like a mother to me, or that she needs to take care of me. Apparently, he has been asking their co-workers questions about her to get information about her, like where she used to live before she lived her, that sort of thing. I commented that that would bother me a little, she said it doesn’t bother her at all. She then told me she told him good luck at getting her heart, that it was behind lock and key. He said, he would be patient, he was willing to wait. This one is not going to go away I think. (Later today) So, we had another chat. She said after she got done with brunch with her dad, she wanted me to ride with her while she ran some errands…and we could talk a little. I asked her if she had plans later, and she said yes, with "him." I commented that she had lunch with him Friday, saw him last night (which she didn’t tell me, but I figured it out on my own…although she says she thought she told me,) and she is seeing him tonight. When I commented that things seemed to be moving kind of quickly, especially for someone who was willing to be patient, she said she was perfectly happy at the rate things were moving, and that she was ready to take it to the next step. As that kind of hurt my feelings, I replied that maybe I should take a step back, into the shadows. She said, “well…if you want to distance yourself from me, that is fine, I wish you wouldn’t, I love you dearly and value your friendship, but if you need to do that to protect yourself and be ok….I understand." I expressed my concern at the speed at which things were moving, and she told me she would prefer that I keep those comments to myself…that she can’t hear them objectively from me. And then she told me I needed to accept this, whether things work out or not with this guy. And this she finished with the statement that I am not going to mess this up for her. This isn’t her ex-fiance, and she is tired of putting my feelings first, and not to put her in a position to choose between our friendship, and this guy, or I would lose. So…she loves me so much, and values my friendship so dearly, but is willing to through it away, for this guy. No wonder she was afraid of losing her friendship with her ex-fiance, and me, and ending up with either this guy, or no one. What makes me mad is I believe her female best friend from out west is pushing this thing…and her friend shouldn’t be giving advice to anyone. I think she is looking for a father figure, someone to take care of her, and he is suffering from some crisis, that makes him feel like he needs love from someone nearly 20 years younger than him…and my choice is to either sit back, and keep my mouth shut as her friend, or walk away completely… Link to post Share on other sites
j_nelson Posted August 29, 2004 Share Posted August 29, 2004 you know the answer...forget her...dont talk to her anymore...you keep posting stories about your daily events after people repeatedly tell you to stop all contact with her and move on... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted August 29, 2004 Author Share Posted August 29, 2004 Well...it has come to that anyway. I took the ride with her, and at the end...we ended up fighting...I started it... the end of the fight was her shouting at me, "that she didn't want to be with me, she wants to make this thing work with the 54 year old, and if we argue about the "us" thing again... that will be the end of our friendship...it will be over, done." She never wants to discuss the us thing again, period. So, I want to quietly slip away... Actually, what I want to do is go out in my car, and see if I can have another accident, only this time it will be on purpose, and I can do it right... My entire life, my peers have treated me like I am dirt to walk on, have had emotionally and physically abusive parents... and I am just tired. Link to post Share on other sites
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