Author nelib Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 I know this sound completely crazy. But I guess I am in the different phases of grieving process. I keep thinking about what I could've done or should've done differently when I discovered his double life. Could I have possibly forgiven this man for what he did? It doesn't really matter anymore since we are at the point of no return in this divorce. But I keep thinking about if there was possible reconciliation? I don't think there was because 1. We were only married for two months. I don't want to always be wondering what he is doing and doubting his love for me. I don't deserve this for the rest of my life 2. He was living this double life since 2002 and was doing it when we were dating, engaged, right before the wedding and after the wedding. No signs of stopping. 3. He is a compulsive liar and I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth 4. He doesn't own up to what he did was wrong and accept fault..rather he maintains that what he was doing was for me which doesn't make sense to me 5. He makes promises that he then breaks with no regards for consequences. He promised to stop obtaining meds and promised to be open and tell me everything. Yet he continued and just did a better job of hiding the drugs. 6. I am selfish in that I can't take a gamble and forgive him and then 5-10 years down the road...he leaves me because he is gay or wants to have group sex. I have no children with him. I can make a clean break. I'm sorry to vent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 I know this sound completely crazy. But I guess I am in the different phases of grieving process. I keep thinking about what I could've done or should've done differently when I discovered his double life. Could I have possibly forgiven this man for what he did? It doesn't really matter anymore since we are at the point of no return in this divorce. But I keep thinking about if there was possible reconciliation? I don't think there was because 1. We were only married for two months. I don't want to always be wondering what he is doing and doubting his love for me. I don't deserve this for the rest of my life 2. He was living this double life since 2002 and was doing it when we were dating, engaged, right before the wedding and after the wedding. No signs of stopping. 3. He is a compulsive liar and I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth 4. He doesn't own up to what he did was wrong and accept fault..rather he maintains that what he was doing was for me which doesn't make sense to me 5. He makes promises that he then breaks with no regards for consequences. He promised to stop obtaining meds and promised to be open and tell me everything. Yet he continued and just did a better job of hiding the drugs. 6. I am selfish in that I can't take a gamble and forgive him and then 5-10 years down the road...he leaves me because he is gay or wants to have group sex. I have no children with him. I can make a clean break. I'm sorry to vent. Don't be sorry to vent. That is what this forum is here for. One thing you did not mention is that you are also taking a gamble with your life. It certainly sounds like he is involved in risky sex and could possibly transfer an STD to you. Also, you are not being selfish by taking care of yourself. He has issues that are bigger than you. Go forward with your life and things will get better. You cannot change this man. No, you cannot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Do not beat yourself up for any of this. According to your posts, this man is a liar and a cheat. If you would have known what he was up to, you would have never married him in the first place. It is unfortunate he used you life this and I am sorry you had to endure this. Look to see where you missed red flags, if any and learn from the experience. Best wishes to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nelib Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 I am posting again because I want to tell you how much this website helped me through the horrific events of my divorce. I am in a happy relationship now and just glad it's all over. 2013 was probably the worst year of my life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TrappedWanderer Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Thanks for the update. I just split up with my husband after only a few months (lies, abuse, etc just after we were married) and was having a not great day today. To hear that that you've been able to move on and into another, good, relationship gives me some hope! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nelib Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 Thanks for the update. I just split up with my husband after only a few months (lies, abuse, etc just after we were married) and was having a not great day today. To hear that that you've been able to move on and into another, good, relationship gives me some hope! I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through a similar experience. The funny thing through the whole experience is that I KNOW that I did nothing wrong but I felt so embarassed like I did....felt like a fool about what happened and for being taken for a fool. I know that you must be going through SOOOO much pain right now because I did. But you have to realize that....THIS TOO SHALL PASS. The pain did pass and I am now able to look back and realize that it was the best thing that could have happened to me and God was looking out for me. Get him out of your life NOW ...not 5 or 10 years later with two kids and one on the way. I pray for you. Things that helped me through this process 1. FAMILY 2. MOVED far away from ex (this was for work too). Felt like I got a new start 3. Church 4. Therapy (I couldn't afford too many sessions with my insurance though) Link to post Share on other sites
Author nelib Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 TrappedWander I just read some of your posts.....and in reflecting about what happened to me there are similarities...in that my wedding photos did not even come back yet before we were DONE....I still have them on a CD and it is still too painful to look through, I too felt like my world was turned upside down...I actually felt like I was the protagonist in a Lifetime Movie Series....it so UNREAL to think that this could possibly happen to me because I am a NORMAL person....I hope you are in a better place....It has been over a year since I got my divorce Jan 2013. I can't wait to read your future post about how you met someone and have moved on with your life. That makes me smile. Link to post Share on other sites
Canadiangirl78 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 marriage fever is a bitch... its funny how you discovered it 2 months after the "marriage"... did you keep your eyes closed the entire 2 years you were dating him? most people see this crap 10000 miles away... How awful of you to say that to someone who is in pain, or anyone for that matter. As someone said previously, people like this go to great lengths to hide crap like this. DO NOT place the blame on her for not seeing it sooner, when she found out she left and that takes a lot of courage to do and it should be commended. I for one think this lady has a lot to be proud of, she seems to me to be one tough woman who in my eyes has a lot of guts. Shame on you for saying that to her. Link to post Share on other sites
TrappedWanderer Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 nelib-thanks. Exactly-I feel so humiliated for being taken for a fool by someone who I thought was my best friend. I have gone through the wedding photos-I had to go through to make sure I wasn't crazy and it really was a meaningful day. It's hard, though-never got a chance to properly thank the friends and family that were so supportive of our relationship and that day. Lots of guilt there with that. The Lifetime movie of the week-that's also what I kept saying, it felt/feels so surreal! I had closed myself off from all but a few people because I was embarrassed, but I'm starting to tell people now. A bit awkward, with the "how's married life?!" questions and then I have to give me debbie downer response, but it also feels good-he isolated me and that time was torture, so it feels good to just get it out there. I *know* it's him that should be embarrassed about his behavior and not me, though the heart doesn't always feel like that. Good days and bad. Right now I'm focusing on the job search-I can't wait to find something to give me new focus and direction-I had given all that up to move to his country, so it really is starting completely over. Having too much time on my hands to think is slowing down the moving forward process, I think. I can't wait for the day I can look back and see how far I've come and to feel like a useful human being again, and not just a blob of pathetic-ness. Anyway, thanks. It's nice to feel like I'm not the only one that's gone through this bizarre mix of extreme newlywed happiness to extreme sadness and confusion in such a short period of time (though really, it feels like it's been years, dragging out). Any advice/words of encouragement...or just anecdotes of life of the other side of this awfulness are always welcome and appreciated! I'm so glad you made it through your own situation and are happy now!! Takes a lot of strength. Link to post Share on other sites
TrappedWanderer Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 canadiangirl-thanks for saying that and sticking up for this kind of situation. I'm sure there are instances where people jumped into marriage without thinking and then it's not such a shocker that you'd discover things afterwards. I know I didn't-my ex and I had talked EVERYTHING out over and over again. But that kind of judgmental reaction is exactly what I was/am nervous about when people find out. Like I have to justify why I left. I tend to feel like I have to either hide and be isolated in this, or I have to explain everything, how he snowed me over completely and only showed me what he wanted me to see,...how he tricked friends and family and how bad things got and everything I did to try and make it work. So thanks for sticking up for those of us in this hideous place. It's not an easy decision to make and not one taken lightly. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiberius Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 (edited) This is very traumatic. I have lost 6 lbs in the past week. I can't eat, sleep, think STRAIGHT. My self esteem, my sense of worth....everything is crushed. I feel like I am living out a Lifetime Network Movie. I haven't stopped crying since this happened last week. I changed the locks to my condo, put in security system, carry pepper spray, filed for a divorce, got a restraining order, met with attorney......GOD help me. All he was concerned about was getting his tangible items out of my condo. Not caring about the destruction he has left. This is so UNREAL Dont you think you are overreacting? Women whom have taken savage beatings did not give their husbands that treatment (when they should have) . Having been in a (bad) relationship with a female bodybuilder I kinda developed a fetish for female bodybuilders. So a girl might find related material on my computer. But a relationship isnt just sex or the physical and because I like that one thing, does not mean I do not appreciate a relationship and the connection that comes with it, the feelings. I like fbbs I have on the hard drive the way I like objects (not because women are objects, but because I dont have any connection with most of these women, except for the few I had one). So if I will be with a woman in a relationship its because I want to be and whatever happens on the computer is just entertainment. Now if you are opposed to your husband in induldging in that kind of entertainment at all thats different. Edited January 12, 2014 by Tiberius Link to post Share on other sites
BOREDouttaMymind Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 contact me on here if you want. ill pray for you. take this one day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
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