mudcrabs Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I have read through a number of threads here and most opening posts apologize for being long so I will buck the trend and keep it short. Went to a party and had one of those ‘wow’ moments when I saw this stunning woman across the roomBeing a pretty confidant guy I went up and introduced myself and we just clicked. I spent the whole night talking, laughing and flirting with her. There was definite sexual tension.At the end of the night when she was waiting out the front for her taxi we exchanged numbers and just before she got into the taxi we kissed for the first time, with just a little bit of tongue. I was hooked.So I rang, probably looked desperate because it was only lunchtime the next day. I took her out to dinner that night. When I picked her up I had another ‘wow’ moment. I have never before seen a woman carry herself so magnificently. She is so gorgeous.Dinner went well, we started dating, we never had sex until the 10th date! That is unheard of for me but she is one special lady and boy oh boy was it worth the wait. She is the most beautiful person I have ever met both inside and out.Move forward about 9 months and everything is still exciting, I still long for the day to end so I can see her again. I am totally smitten with her. I still get those ‘wow’ moments.We start talking about getting more serious (it’s about 18 months now), moving in together and even the ‘M’ word. I had never understood people wanting to get married, it just being a bit of paper and all that but I was actually excited by the mention of it. I could easily see myself being the happiest man alive spending the rest of my life with her.And then BAM she knocks the stuffing out of me with an absolutely incredible admission. She tells me before we get any more serious there is something I need to know. Now I was pretty much ready for anything here, this is the most loving person I have known, she couldn’t have done anything that bad.She tells me that earlier in her life she was destitute. And she made ends meet by doing lap dances at a strip club. Ok, so I am shocked (and a little aroused too) but wait there’s more. To earn more money she would sleep with the guys or girls or couples. She was a friggin prostitute!!! Now I’m a pretty open minded guy but that is one big pill to swallowWe spoke about this and she has admitted to there being 30-40 people she has done this with. Now using the assumption that guys normally double the amount of partners they have been with and women half the amount that equates to her really being with 60-80 other people.I couldn’t handle it, I called it all off and left. I stayed away 2 weeks but I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I called and asked if we could get together and chat.She looked awful, she said she has been crying for the whole two weeks, admittedly I was too. Long story short we sorted through as much as we could together and we agreed that would see a counselor and see if we were able to get past this. For all the great times we had it was worth any shot we hadNow the xmas/new year period is impossible to get anyone so we just enjoyed the holidays and I actually fell in love with her all over again. She is everything I have ever dreamt of in a woman (except she has a past), I had pretty much convinced myself that the past is the past though and good on her for getting her life sorted.Our first appointment is not until early February but we have been ‘self counseling’ I guess you could say and talking about this. I asked her the other day if she would do it again. I did not like the answer. She said, and I remember this very very vividly “when we are married and if we ever hit hard times I would do it again in a heartbeat”. In a heartbeat ! I don’t thinkI can ignore that.Am I overreacting to that comment? The more I read it the more I can see two possible meanings behind it.We are still very much together and everything is back to normal from the outside but inside I don’t feel I can give all of myself to her knowing what I now know. I really hope I can get past that feeling, I want those ‘wow’ moments back.Just for reference because I just noticed while re-reading this that I never mentioned it. We are both early 30’s. It’s our 2 year anniversary March 1st. Well this turned out longer than expected. Anyway please feel free to pass any comments or advice you like but what I am really wanting to know is if you were my family or my friends and you found out about her past would you treat her or I differently? Would you think less of me for being with a ‘woman like that’?
TheZebra Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Not everyone is as lucky as we are, to have been born into a life where you don't need to worry about where your next meal is coming from. It sounds like she had a rough life and did things that she isn't necessarily proud of and you are passing judgment on that. Life is nothing but one big school. We all make mistakes in our past. There are people who have been in jail and have managed to turn their lives around. If she's not leading a life of prostitution anymore, it looks like she did turn her life around. I don't understand why you're so bothered by this. It's something in her past, something which I'm sure she didn't want to do but did it to survive, and you, the man she loved, cast down an iron fist on her as society has probably done numerous times. Are you really concerned about what other people think about YOU in this situation? Are you that selfish? 3
soccerrprp Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 This kind of sounds familiar. Take a look at my and other's posts in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/361346-bushwhacked-gf-2.html Think carefully how you decide on this. Good luck.
Imajerk17 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Yeah soccer I read that thread... I think these are two different situations. This woman rented her body simply to be able to eat. The women in the thread you were referring to was/is in a swingers club. I am wondering if this woman feels judged by you OP and is resentful and her "in a heartbeat" comment reflects that. She made a tough life choice and you seem unable to handle that. I'd be more concerned w this woman's views on fidelity. 1
veggirl Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 sorry but how many bills did she have that she actually needed to fk these people? that would be a dealbreaker. if she is as gorgeous as you say, stripping should have def brought in enough $ to buy food and whatnot. my guess is she was either using drugs or she got really into buying expensive things, and stripping wasn't covering it all anymore so she turned to offering up sex as well. 2
Later82012 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 If I stick to only answering your question, I wouldn't treat you or her any different, but more often than not I am very disappointed with a majority of people these days. She might have lots of other issues she needs to sort out first before she could become someone's wife or have kids. Because of the professions she got herself involved in she might have lost respect for men and people in general and that could screw your lives later on.
Keenly Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 If you love her as much as you say you do... If I was in your situation I would keep her. Love is Love man. The past is the past... 1
veggirl Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Keenly is it really so much the past if she says she would do it again in a heartbeat if she "had" to? sorry but I still don't get how one HAS to resort to fking strangers for money. esp if she is a gorgeous woman stripping...weird....something else was going on, for sure. Anyway OP maybe your counselor will help you deal with what she said about doing it again in a heartbeat. I can see why that gave you mega pause...ack. good luck.....I'd think you prob should be in joint counseling and individual? 2
Later82012 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 (edited) Our first appointment is not until early February but we have been ‘self counseling’ I guess you could say and talking about this. I asked her the other day if she would do it again. I did not like the answer. She said, and I remember this very very vividly “when we are married and if we ever hit hard times I would do it again in a heartbeat”. In a heartbeat ! I don’t thinkI can ignore that.Am I overreacting to that comment? I don't know how I missed the above the first time around, but you shouldn't ignore that and you are not overreacting. It is not normal if she thinks stripping and prostitution are automatic solutions to make money. It is very clear her values are very different. Her definition of normal is a lot different than what it is to a lot of us. Edited January 5, 2013 by Later82012
TouchedByViolet Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 We spoke about this and she has admitted to there being 30-40 people she has done this with. Now using the assumption that guys normally double the amount of partners they have been with and women half the amount that equates to her really being with 60-80 other people. I about died laughing at this. If I were you I would wait for the professional counseling session. Sounds like she has a lot of history to work through and a professional may be the best way to sift through it. Her actions definitely say a lot about the person she is and you need to be comfortable with that if you want to move forward and get married one day. The ultimate question is are you comfortable knowing she will sell her body to strangers for money?
Fondue Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Our first appointment is not until early February but we have been ‘self counseling’ I guess you could say and talking about this. I asked her the other day if she would do it again. I did not like the answer. She said, and I remember this very very vividly “when we are married and if we ever hit hard times I would do it again in a heartbeat”. In a heartbeat ! I don’t thinkI can ignore that. That's pretty telling, in my opinion. She feels comfortable with that sort of "career." I agree with veg in that if she really is as stunning as you say she is, then stripping would have sufficed. STrippers make pretty good money. I am not one to pass judgement, and frankly, I wouldn't think any less or more of you for deciding to stay or leave her, but I will leave you with this: How comfortable are you with the fact that she had ~60dicks in her mouth prior to you? And she will welcome more dicks in her mouth if she ever "needed to." 1
Author mudcrabs Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 If you love her as much as you say you do... If I was in your situation I would keep her. Love is Love man. The past is the past... I have every intention of ‘keeping her’ if we can work through this. The act (of prostitution) is not very likely to ever happen again, we both own our own houses and both work full time so the chance that we would fall on such dire financial times that it was even considered would be very remote. It’s the mindset of thinking this is a reasonable way of making some money that worries me. But I think that is just my morals coming to the fore and who am I to judge, I wasn’t in her situation. Now whether I can look past that I honestly don’t know, I am hoping I can as I don’t want to lose her. I guess another contributing factor which I did leave out of the first post is that she is still friends with some girls that either have done or still are doing this. I have met them all but did not know until recently that they had/have also been involved. I just feel that is too close to home but I have no right to ask her to choose between me or her friends. It has been 8 years since she has done this so it is really in the past. Her friends I think is more my issue, as before I knew about them I thought they were really great people. I have friends too that are of questionable character but I love them still so I can’t judge her friends. I think this will work out, I can’t see myself without her, it will just take time for me to digest all this and sort it out in my head. She understands the significance of this and is being very understanding and supportive. 1
todreaminblue Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 (edited) I see why you are upset, the heartbeat comment,but basically she was saying that if she didnt have a choice she would do it again, if she was destitute.I lived a similar past in fact pretty much the same.I am a single mum now though of five...... It is a hard ask for a guy to accept, So kudos, the difference with me is I would kill myself before i went back to it,did a lot of damage mentally,It was one thing in life I should never have done I was pretty much dead inside when i took i tup , no options, no choices but that or go down.I should have starved lived on the streets and been a derelict lived off charity, whatever,, but i was just legal and couldnt go home I had some bad experiences when i was sleeping in refuges and on the streets couldnt take it anymore..... I did ask to go home , begged pleaded, got refused.I wasnt hired as a stripper so when vegigrl said she could have just stripped for the"bills" its possible that was part of her hooking in clients, and a requirement, her main job probably was hooker.The fact is with you gf, she wont need to do it again will she, so the point is moot dont live in the land of what if, its too close to a place called possible mistakes and regrets. Good luck with your counselling that is a good move, good luck with your relationship I wish you well..I do understand why in a heartbeat upset you, but that heartbeat isnt going to happen now is it.......deb Edited January 5, 2013 by todreaminblue
Author mudcrabs Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 The ultimate question is are you comfortable knowing she will sell her body to strangers for money? Not very comfortable at all. The way she explains the 'in a heartbeat' comment is that she would do anything for us. If we were going to lose our family home, she would unwillingly do that again for us 'in a heartbeat' because that is what I mean to her. It's not like she would do it just because we needed extra cash for xmas presents. I'm not sure whether that makes it better or worse but that is the way she has explained it. 1
mtber75 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I think your shocked and angry that this came out so late instead of sooner! I would be angry too if this happen to me. Yes everyone has a past, that is why its best to come out clean sooner than later. Too late and you'll be too vested into the relationship to just leave!
Author mudcrabs Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 everyone has a past, that is why its best to come out clean sooner than later. IO can understand why she waited. You are nit just going to tell every person you date your whole life story. As soon as it gets serious you should tell though and that is what she did.
Author mudcrabs Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Just a follow up question. Someone said to me that I should tell her to lose her friends, especially the ones that are still stripping (and I assume maybe more, we haven't actually discussed that). Their reasoning is that my girlfriend is seeing the money they are raking in and it's a temptation that is always there in front of her. It is a very good point that was made about temptation but I have my reservations. I would hate for anyone to ask me to give up my friends, in fact I would be insulted by it, unless of course there was a very good reason. I hate to be one to judge and asking her to leave her friends is judging them as bad people and judging my girlfriend that she doesn't have the willpower to not be influenced by these temptations. What do you all think? Would asking her to cut ties with friends be inappropriate? I don't think it would ever come to that but just wanted to gain as much insight from various sources as possible.
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