Bushwhacked by GF

[Nature Boy]

I'm new here and came onto Loveshack to get some advice from other people. I am a single man in my mid-40's. I was married before and had two kids. We divorced amicably and co-parent.

I began to date around about a year after my divorce, and eventually met a really beautiful woman about my own age. We dated for a couple of months, and decided to make it exclusive. She was married before, but had no kids, and their divorce was not particularily pleasant.

We have been together now, for about a year. We both (I thought) were very open about our pasts, and I was beginning to think about marriage. I went to her house a couple of weeks ago, and she was talking to a woman I did not know. My gf introduced us and that was about it. As the woman left she mentioned to my Gf something about a "club", meet and greet. I didin't pay any attention to it, but later that night when she went to sleep I stayed up to get caught up on some work and noticed a paper that was on my Gf's desk. It was about the --club. I read on, and it seems that this club caters to "swingers", and such. I felt like I was prying so did not say anything. For the next couple of days , though , I began to research this -- club. What I found out was that it was some sort of open marriage club that has orgies, gangbangs, swap meets and such.

I asked her about it and she was very embarrassed, but told me that she and her husband had joined the club a year before their divorce , in order to "spice up" their marriage , which was in the pits. I asked her what they had done , and she said , "the usual things", swapping and such. I was upset, but didn't want to be judgemental, so I left it at that. She was very clear to explain that she was not involved in that kind of thing, anymore, and that the woman was a friend who was still married and whom she had met at the club, but that she (gf) didn't have any desire to return to it.

It began to gnaw at me to find out if my gf was still involved. After all, she should have told me if she was into that sort of thing, before we became exclusive, right? So , Thursday night I sat her down to have a "come to Jesus', talk about it. She tried to avoid it, but finally it came out that she had done at least three gangbangs, one with 4 (!) men, two white and two black men, and once she had given 6 bj's in one night. But she pointed out that her husband was there and gave his OK, and that she really didn't get off on it , but was trying to do someth

ing to make their marriage more exciting.

Now I don't know what to do. I am totally disgusted about this crap, but am trying not to be judgemental. She has said repeatedly that none of it made her feel good, that our sex is completely better than her swinger experiences, but I an unsure about everything. Advice, Please?

[xpaperxcutx]

To begin with, what she did with her ex-husband in the past should stay in the past, and you cannot judge her based on her actions because you were not in her life then. The both of you need to focus on the present and whether she has let go of that " swingers" lifestyle.

 

Understandable, because no mann in love with a woman would want to hear about the long sexual history. Men are possessive by nature and she did do you wrong by telling you all that. But then again, you were in the wrong for prying about something that you weren't prepared to know about.

 

Now the question is, is she still participating in that lifestyle? If she is, you know well enough to break up with her as that's not something that you are comfortable. However, if she is no longer a participant, do you think you have the heart to overlook this side of her and proceed to start a new life with her?

 

On a personal note, my boyfriend does take my sexual dalliances in the past very seriously, as I have had more experiences than he had. He has never pried, and I have never broached it to him out of respect to him.

 

If the two of you love each other very much, then this is a hurdle hopefully the two of you can work through.

[Nature Boy]

To begin with, what she did with her ex-husband in the past should stay in the past, and you cannot judge her based on her actions because you were not in her life then. The both of you need to focus on the present and whether she has let go of that " swingers" lifestyle.

 

Understandable, because no mann in love with a woman would want to hear about the long sexual history. Men are possessive by nature and she did do you wrong by telling you all that. But then again, you were in the wrong for prying about something that you weren't prepared to know about.

 

Now the question is, is she still participating in that lifestyle? If she is, you know well enough to break up with her as that's not something that you are comfortable. However, if she is no longer a participant, do you think you have the heart to overlook this side of her and proceed to start a new life with her?

 

On a personal note, my boyfriend does take my sexual dalliances in the past very seriously, as I have had more experiences than he had. He has never pried, and I have never broached it to him out of respect to him.

 

If the two of you love each other very much, then this is a hurdle hopefully the two of you can work through.

I agree that the past should stay there, but Don't you think that this is a serious enough issue that she should have, at least , given me a "heads up", about it? And, what is more, there are PHOTOS!!! of some of that stuff they did , on the net!!! Geez, how nice would it be , if my college age son called and said that he saw Daddy's Gf su*king a couple of guys , on the web!!

I am pretty sure that she isn't involved in the swinger stuff, any more, because It apparently takes up quite a lot of a persons time, and she isn't away from me long enough for it to happen. What concerns me the most is that she didn't have enough respect for me, to tell me about it, so that I would be able to protect myself from being blindsided by any fallout.

[xpaperxcutx]

a

I agree that the past should stay there, but Don't you think that this is a serious enough issue that she should have, at least , given me a "heads up", about it? And, what is more, there are PHOTOS!!! of some of that stuff they did , on the net!!! Geez, how nice would it be , if my college age son called and said that he saw Daddy's Gf su*king a couple of guys , on the web!!

I am pretty sure that she isn't involved in the swinger stuff, any more, because It apparently takes up quite a lot of a persons time, and she isn't away from me long enough for it to happen. What concerns me the most is that she didn't have enough respect for me, to tell me about it, so that I would be able to protect myself from being blindsided by any fallout.

 

If you were in her position, I'm very certain you would have done the same thing. Not to deceive, but merely omit something that will more than likely paint yourself in a bad light to someone that you are in a relationship with. Unfortunately, she will have to live with this, naked photos and all, and she's still living with it.

 

The issue here is, how are you going to deal with it? Obviously you cannot pretend this isn't a problem, because as you've said, you have an adult son who more than likely come across these incriminating sources of her.

 

So consider the factors that will impact your decisions and choices:

 

Do you love her?

Can you consider a future with her?

How willing are you wanting to stay with her despite what you have learned?

 

All of these will impact the fact, that maybe right now, more than ever, the both of you need to communicate and establish unwavering trust with each other.

 

I am no way defending her, but I think if she wants to be with you the same as you do with her, she will meet you half way in trying to salvage this relationship.

[Tara247]

Nature Boy, if I were you, I would NOT be with a whore like this.

[Tara247]

Also, I think you need to know if the members of this "club" were all screened for STDs on a regular basis, if not she has exposed you to every nasty, filthy STD under the sun. Do you realize that?? Please go to your doctor tomorrow and get tested. Insist that she get tested too if you are going to continue seeing her. Do not continue to sleep with her without protection until you know what you are dealing with.

 

C'mon, SIX blowjobs in one night on all different men?? I'm sorry, but sounds just like a whore. Do your values line up with this sort of thing?

[Ninjainpajamas]

It's a done deal Ric Flair.

 

But now you know where she learned those moves in bed now eh?

 

Look, that's a pretty big pill to swallow. People are like "the past doesn't count, it's about you do today"....hell, I might as well go screw over a bunch of women, murder a few people, then streak through a mall scaring children for Christmas, because in five years...you know, it's all in the past anyway! Don't judge me, don't judge me for what I did five years ago ::hand over forehead::

 

But then people will say "oh well that's too far, but that isn't...that's acceptable because of X or X". Everyone moves the yard stick where they want, and says "this is ok, this not" yet at the same time they say I don't judge or want to be judged for the past...It's a load of crap, I mean as human beings we are going to judge, just because you try to tell yourself that certain things you can judge, and other things you cannot because you deem them as "bad" or "unacceptable" does not mean that all things are forgivable or are easier to swallow...that comes down to what you as an individual can accept, and I think it's important to accept the things you have done in the past, and take responsibility for them as well as finding someone who can accept those things that you've done and still love you anyway, because if not, no amount of self-talk is going to release that emotional pit in your stomach of what the other person has done...relationships need to be fully accepting. And guess what? If not, then don't ask.

 

You broke the rule of asking about a woman's past, unfortunately It was a big mistake here especially...these are just not questions you ask someone if you wanted to move forward if you can't take hearing the answers. If you're a freak yourself and did some porn, swinging, slept with a thousand escorts (all things that would probably turn off most women...even though they said not to judge from the past) But lets be realistic people, the past is not some ancient history disconnected from the person...in fact it says a lot about the person, what they will do and will not do, and are capable of.

 

Maybe they'll never do it again, maybe they've "changed"...I mean that's what everyone always wants to assume without even knowing any better but just because they want to believe it, but hell...whatever works for you. If the person can't admit it to you though and you have to find out in this fashion, then it doesn't seem like they've moved on from it themselves.

 

Also she's still associating with this woman...would you associate with someone from a past you were trying to get over? and then she mentions the "club" meet n greet...I mean c'mon, your GF is lying out of her @ss to you about this whole thing for a reason, and this whole thing where she enjoyed none of it...c'mon, she's a human being, why would she have enjoyed none of it yet still be capable of doing it? I don't like being raped in the butthole with a large black dildo the size of my leg....but you know, I did it to "save my marriage"

 

Sure, maybe they were just trying to "spice" things up, but everyone has their boundaries and obviously this is what she was capable of doing, because nobody puts a gun to your head...and yeah I'm sure she might have wanted to do what it takes to save her marriage and try something new, maybe exciting, but are you telling me all women would go this far to "save their marriage" or at this point do you see this marriage is done.

 

You're going to judge her, you're a human being not a politician who has to pretend to love, respect and understand everyone equally like if you have no bias or association like if you don't have a judging bone in your body.

 

You've got to ask yourself if this is something you can accept. You can try talking to her about, because now the cat is out the bag, but not to understand how many times she was placed in a pretzel or used as an oral pleasure toy, but what happened in her past marriage, what the relationship was like, what issues does she have, what are her insecurities, what kind of place she was in at the time mentally and emotionally. Try to understand her and then make a decision if it's something you can accept as something she did in her past, if it's not your thing to begin with then don't even try, if you've already made up your mind and feeling about it and know you can't ever accept that then just move on...because at the end of the day that was her choice and her life, you're just apart of it.

 

Now you know though, and all you can control is your life and your actions, and that's why if she's not the kind of girl that you can have a relationship with and marry then you've got to be the bigger man and just walk away, because nothing will change it...if you just keep trying to deny a feeling, judge her and attack her, accuse her for being this way or that you're just going to spiral into this screwed up relationship where you're just making her feel like a horrible person and human being and you'll be filled with rage, anger from the hurt and difficulty accepting it and that's just no way to live or have a relationship.

 

Find the kind of girl you want and need in your life that meets your expectations, you've learned a valuable lesson this time...maybe it was for a reason and meant to happen, can't beat a dead horse though forever over it, it's gonna be faced head on and fought through...it's ok to love her and walk away still, just because you love someone doesn't mean it's the right relationship...but if you decide that she's worth it anyways and it's not worth letting her go and losing her, then that's what makes her truly worth it...your love and desire to be with her has to be greater than her imperfections.

[GLDheart]

If she's been to the club since you guys were exclusive, easy as pie. Kick her to the curb. But that doesn't seem to be the case.

 

So yeah, CAN YOU ACCEPT HER PAST? You don't have to of course. That's your choice. So she once was a whore. That is still up for debate regarding her being pressured into it trying to save her failing marriage... blah blah blah... ANYWAY. That's really not the point. We all have a past. IT WILL COME OUT... bits and pieces... here and there... maybe someday something will slip about you that SHE can't live with.

 

That's life.

[Nature Boy]

One of the problems is that I don't know too much about swinging and it's variations. If I knew more, I would be able to make more of an informed decision.

Tara, one of the first things I asked her was about STD's and she told me that she was tested and is negative, and that she had not had sex, except with me, since she and her husband divorced.

Look, I admit that the things she did while involved with the swinging, make me sick, too. But when confronted, she owned her sh*t, and told me everything. That has to count for something, right?

Another thing I'm having trouble with is if I can trust her words , when she says that she didn't enjoy it and has no interest in that lifestyle, or resuming it. she says emphatically no, that she loves me and is way happier than when she was married before, and that the swinging was a last attempt to revive their marriage . I understand that that is the reason that several couples involve themselves in this actvity.

Papercutx, she knows that she will be judged badly because of the swinging. she regrets it and wishes that it never happened, but like you said, she has to live with it. From what she says , the only person she still has contact with, is this woman friend, she has not even talked to any of the other club members, and doesn't want to. She also said that if I objected to her , she would ask the woman friend to end contact also.

My GF has said that she is sorry for not telling me about the swinging, but that she was ashamed to mention it.

[GLDheart]

She had no obligation to bring it up to you. Damn. If she's ashamed of it, no wonder she wants to just get past it and leave it alone.

 

You're right. She did admit it to you and that says ALOT. You have the right to ask anything you want. You have the right to like the answers or to decide this girl is not for you.

 

She has the right to NOT like your questions and to judge you for being to pushy or to bullyish in making her answer them.

 

Just a heads up but I would be REAL grateful and appreciative of her being forthcoming with you knowing that it must have been hard for her to admit to some of that.

 

Do your best to not let any personal insecurities cloud your treatment of this woman. Get that "maybe she likes a half dozen men of different races running train on her..." crap OUT OF YOUR HEAD.

 

If she leaves you for that lifestyle, so be it. That's her choice. It would only hurt you to live in fear of it. SO LET IT GO.

Edited December 10, 2012 by GLDheart

[coffeebean201]

Sounds like her divorce was unpleasant.

 

She doesn't need another conflict-ridden relationship.

 

So either you love her for who she is - or you don't.

 

The std check is always a good idea.

 

Hugs

[Nature Boy]

Well, she's been crying all weekend about this, and either comes over, calls or texts CONSTANTLY!!!! She says that she has been in therapy to get over her feelings of shame, and I knew that she was in IC, but didn't ask about it , thinking it was about her marriage issues. Which, in a way , it is. She said that she would never, ever, go back to that lifestyle, regardless of whether or not I will still want to see her. She realizes how demeaning it was, and says that it has taken a long time to forgive herself for acting in that way.

Let me say this. The year we have been together has been great, up to this point. We have lots of similar interests, and spend more time together than I did with my ex wife. Our sex life is fantastic, and she says it is the best she has ever experienced, and she said this before I found out about her past recreations. she says that she has never felt this way about her husband or any other man. Question is, can I believe her?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well, she's been crying all weekend about this, and either comes over, calls or texts CONSTANTLY!!!! She says that she has been in therapy to get over her feelings of shame, and I knew that she was in IC, but didn't ask about it , thinking it was about her marriage issues. Which, in a way , it is. She said that she would never, ever, go back to that lifestyle, regardless of whether or not I will still want to see her. She realizes how demeaning it was, and says that it has taken a long time to forgive herself for acting in that way.

Let me say this. The year we have been together has been great, up to this point. We have lots of similar interests, and spend more time together than I did with my ex wife. Our sex life is fantastic, and she says it is the best she has ever experienced, and she said this before I found out about her past recreations. she says that she has never felt this way about her husband or any other man. Question is, can I believe her?

 

It's still the first year and there's a lot to be figured out on the compatibility level, but you should fairly certain of what kind of emotional capacity you can have with this woman. However I'd take your time since you were married before and this is your first serious relationship it sounds like, so realize that it's easy to fall into that comfort level and companionship that you may have sorely missed during the times of being alone, as well as a divorce and past marriage usually not providing a lot of the necessities between two people obviously, so that next person you meet and get to experience all these wonderful emotions again suddenly can feel overwhelming and compelling, but don't make any big decisions yet. I think this is a good test and obstacle to see how capable and compatible you are with this woman of sticking things through this kind of a situation, it's going to open a door to a lot of her personal issues she's carrying over from her past marriage and in her life to show you the bigger picture of this woman instead of just feeling like everything is perfect, these are the real challenges of a relationship.

 

Also realize, that just because a lot of women experience a deep sex life, or are promiscuous with men for a short or extended period of time, doesn't mean they are fulfilled on all levels. The majority of men are not great lovers, and many don't intend to be or have a lot of things going for them to satisfy women as a whole. So women can become conditioned to a certain experience with men which leaves the bar quite low in terms of expectations, only after experiencing something greater will they realize what they are missing out or what they were lacking in their other relationships. The sex is better because you are more present, truly are giving her genuine emotion and completing the experience as a whole or satisfying in a more thorough way than what just sex provides alone. Not many women know the difference between lovers if they are all with the same kind of men in their experience. How do you know the moon exists if you've never seen it?

 

So you have to understand that with women in general, they have a lot of senses, needs and emotions...and those often go unfulfilled by most men. When they find someone who is truly capable, truly loving, truly present with them and engaged on a deeper emotionally level it can make all the difference. So just because she had sex with these other men, and she's had an ex husband...it doesn't mean it's comparable because she may be on another emotional level with you and you may be a more thorough lover...It's not just about the sex...sex isn't just physical, it's much more psychological and emotional or It would be the same with everyone, and while sexually satisfying to a degree or maybe in a weird way if felt like she was being loved or giving affection/attention that she wasn't feeling in her marriage at the time, it doesn't mean that she was fully happy with her experience, she was just merely taking what she was able to get and maybe even hoping that satisfying her husband would somehow make everything better in her marriage...sometimes women do ridiculous things to try and prove or show their love to men, to be good/hot/sexy and fulfilling enough.

[Under The Radar]

She doesn't owe you anything regarding her past.

 

The most important thing is that she has been loyal to you since the relationship began.

 

At this point, you need to decide if her past is something you can handle without shaming, judging, or condemning her in the future.

 

If, after some deep soul searching, communication, and reflection the answer is no, please break up with her.

 

She deserves a partner who will accept and love her for who she is, including her past.

[Nature Boy]

She said today, that she is sorry she didn't tell me about her past, but that our relationship was so wonderful that she was afraid to lose me. That her shame has come back because she wasn't honest about it and that she has caused me pain. She was a little hysterical, but quieted down when I told her that I hadn't made any decisions yet. I think she really loves me a lot.

[Ninjainpajamas]

She said today, that she is sorry she didn't tell me about her past, but that our relationship was so wonderful that she was afraid to lose me. That her shame has come back because she wasn't honest about it and that she has caused me pain. She was a little hysterical, but quieted down when I told her that I hadn't made any decisions yet. I think she really loves me a lot.

 

Of course she's going to hysterical, she's afraid of losing a good guy. She's embarrassed and ashamed and she can't feel very good at all, her self-esteem is probably at an all time low especially now that you know about this.

 

The real issue is what are her issues out of this, unfortunately the cries and tears can persuade you...yes I'm sure she feels horrible about it and is struggling through it, but you've got to make a decision from a rational, logical stand-point with what kind of problems this woman has...she may be a complete basket case, is that something you can deal with? can you understand what she is going through, how she likely has a laundry list of issues that have pretty much nothing to do with you....can you accept the fact that you yourself are not a therapist and cannot change them alone with "love" and "support"...get a good idea of what you're into and in for with this woman...she likely needs someone, and needs that validation and probably has severe abandonment issues. So look at this like a general surveying a battlefield and be conscience and aware, don't get sucked into tunnel vision or letting your emotions overwhelm you while being blinded to her problems and issues, problems and issues she will likely struggle with her entire life, can you take it or handle? do you even know enough to get that or you just a fool that doesn't know any better?

 

She's likely the type of woman that gets attached to relationships very quickly, especially with a good guy...a lot of women will be that way. But you've got to make the call, it's a mutual thing and about how you feel for her, don't guilt yourself into staying, don't confuse yourself with things you cannot change. Make it black and white as much as possible, decide what you can accept and what you cannot, and the rest decide if these are things you can work through with her or can be improved.

 

A lot of people have some serious issues out there and she's likely a pretty damaged woman, you've got to make sure if these issues are something you can understand, relate to and accept. If not you'll never be able to connect with her past a certain level.

[Nature Boy]

IDK, a lot of what she told me, was way over my head. She said that until the last year of their marriage she never envisioned doing any of this. That when their marriage started to go bad , the her husband began looking at porn and finally convinced her to go to the club, to se what it was like. They started out just watching and then began to swap, until being around the more experienced swingers began to seem "normal", so it escalated from there. She says that while she was doing those things, she became detached and it almost seemed like she was watching herself act like this, from outside her body. I don't know if I'm making any sense of this at all, but am trying to tell it like she told me.

After a while she finally realized that it wasn't what she wanted and it never seemed to make their marriage any better, so she quit, and they divorced. Afterwards , she began to feel ashamed and "dirty", and one thing I have noticed is that she is a cleaning freak, and keeps her home spotless and takes several showers a day, which I found odd, but never thought much about.

[Nature Boy]

It's still the first year and there's a lot to be figured out on the compatibility level, but you should fairly certain of what kind of emotional capacity you can have with this woman. However I'd take your time since you were married before and this is your first serious relationship it sounds like, so realize that it's easy to fall into that comfort level and companionship that you may have sorely missed during the times of being alone, as well as a divorce and past marriage usually not providing a lot of the necessities between two people obviously, so that next person you meet and get to experience all these wonderful emotions again suddenly can feel overwhelming and compelling, but don't make any big decisions yet. I think this is a good test and obstacle to see how capable and compatible you are with this woman of sticking things through this kind of a situation, it's going to open a door to a lot of her personal issues she's carrying over from her past marriage and in her life to show you the bigger picture of this woman instead of just feeling like everything is perfect, these are the real challenges of a relationship.

 

Also realize, that just because a lot of women experience a deep sex life, or are promiscuous with men for a short or extended period of time, doesn't mean they are fulfilled on all levels. The majority of men are not great lovers, and many don't intend to be or have a lot of things going for them to satisfy women as a whole. So women can become conditioned to a certain experience with men which leaves the bar quite low in terms of expectations, only after experiencing something greater will they realize what they are missing out or what they were lacking in their other relationships. The sex is better because you are more present, truly are giving her genuine emotion and completing the experience as a whole or satisfying in a more thorough way than what just sex provides alone. Not many women know the difference between lovers if they are all with the same kind of men in their experience. How do you know the moon exists if you've never seen it?

 

So you have to understand that with women in general, they have a lot of senses, needs and emotions...and those often go unfulfilled by most men. When they find someone who is truly capable, truly loving, truly present with them and engaged on a deeper emotionally level it can make all the difference. So just because she had sex with these other men, and she's had an ex husband...it doesn't mean it's comparable because she may be on another emotional level with you and you may be a more thorough lover...It's not just about the sex...sex isn't just physical, it's much more psychological and emotional or It would be the same with everyone, and while sexually satisfying to a degree or maybe in a weird way if felt like she was being loved or giving affection/attention that she wasn't feeling in her marriage at the time, it doesn't mean that she was fully happy with her experience, she was just merely taking what she was able to get and maybe even hoping that satisfying her husband would somehow make everything better in her marriage...sometimes women do ridiculous things to try and prove or show their love to men, to be good/hot/sexy and fulfilling enough.

Ninjapajamas, You see, she was divorced longer than I was, before we got together, and in that time, (about 4 years) she was celibate, because of her self esteem problems and guilt. We didn't sleep together until we had dated for several months. When we did, she cried a lot and said that it was a miracle she could feel like this about anybody.

[ascendotum]

Hey NB, if her swinging days were well over, how come the pamplet to the x club was lying around?

 

I don't think the fact that she keeps in contact with one of the other women from the the swinger club is a problem, as I would have thought its possible for her to have made a friend or two there with the other wives.

 

You say she is in therapy still....after 4 years and its just over the swinging club times?

[Nature Boy]

The paper was brought by her friend , whio is still involved, and the friend likes it just fine. I don't really know much about this friend, although my gf has mentioned that she sometimes calls and in the year we have been together , they have done lunch a couple of times. The friend does not try to get her back into it, as single women are not encouraged, and my gf has told her that she is not interested. I also do not know what all her IC is about but the swinging is part of it, along with her self-esteem issues.

[CptSaveAho]

This is something that does bother you at a fundamental core level.

 

There's no need to rationalize it from how she feels perspective or make excuses for her and blame her husband. IF she didnt want to do it, she could have said no. Probably ruined early in life by a badboy then married a loser who ruined her even more and thought it was "normal" I have met some losers that use and abuse their girlfriends/wives in this manner and dump them after they have had their fun

 

Her past is her past and good guys get suckered into women with truckloads of emotional baggage. By the way, Ninja touched on this, your girlfriend is lying out of her ass (single women are the most sought after people in the swinging community)

 

She needs a therapist, not a boyfriend. You can't be both. It will be emotionally draining to you and if you stick around, it will destroy you. I know guys that get ruined that try to fix other people's baggage and be in relationships with them.

 

THIS IS A GIRLFRIEND (1 year relationship?) Not a wife

 

Dont be me (my user name)

Edited December 10, 2012 by CptSaveAho

[xpaperxcutx]

I wouldn't exactly call her out as a user, mpst women with emotional baggages do not intentionally try to use men. It just like she suffers from some semblance of PTSD and she is actively seeking help for her problems. The only she is trying to do is have a normal relationship that is not going to be impacted by her past actions.

[soccerrprp]

I'll start by saying- "yikes!" But end it with this....

 

Do you love her? Do you believe that she is trying to leave a very dark part of her life behind to have something "clean?" With you?

 

If so, then leave it in the past. Be happy with her now and the future....it's difficult enough finding someone to care for and letting what happened in the past engulf you is counter-productive.

 

Love is forgiving...but in saying that, she isn't asking for your forgiveness or shouldn't be. She never hurt you or did anything wrong to you. I can only imagine how nagging this is, but please move forward WITH HER.

[Million.to.1]

I feel so sorry for her... really.

She obviously tried to save her marriage and please her x husband by participating in something she didn't really want to, all to make him happy.

 

She did what she thought was right at the time, to save what she had. Now she has to live with it...

......and even now, she is making someone she really loves unhappy because she did it, ..... and even being honest about it and doing everything right might not even make it ok.

 

Geeze.. my heart really goes out to her. This must be so so tough. All she has ever done is try make the person she loves happy.

[Bristolius]

Your girlfriend's past seems to be outside the common or the norm. But if you compare her sexual behavior to all sexual behavior, I'd assert that it is basically natural sex. Even the part where she tried some stuff and didn't like it.

 

Maybe a somewhat different perspective that could lessen her shame and your jealousy.