how do men work?

[aevf39]

My GF used to pull off stunts like this on me. Well, she kind of had excuses. Uni, family stress. But still, logging in once a day or even just every second day and replying with a one liner like "Hey, things are pretty wild here. I love and miss you much" or something like that, is not impossible. REALLY NOT.

 

Ok, my GF is pretty young, she doesn't yet have the sense of responsibility, I guess that's one part, and another part could be cultural. In some cultures it is just more acceptable to say "I'll give you a call tomorrow night" and then not actually give it than in others. I know in my culture it would be extremely rude (unless you'd text or e-mail something like "Can't call, no credit" or "Can't call, have to tutor a friend").

 

The first time my GF did it I stopped playing along after two weeks of chasing her and getting desperate. I threatened to break up with her, which made her jump and shout within 24 hours and bombarding me with messages across all the channels. Goal achieved.

 

The second time it was shortly before I was due to visit her. The visit was good, after the visit we went through a couple of rough patches related to her losing focus, again I let her know my doubts about whether I really should accept the pain of being ignored by her or whether we take the whole attachment back a notch or two. Not only the relationship was in troubles, but also school, friends and family relations. But she started to understand herself. And she started changing her habits and she stopped seeing certain people. Now I'm moderately confident that she really changes.

 

But I'd say the painful experience of threats of break ups, and low contact as your reaction are just necessary. Because people only learn through pain. Especially when they're young. You can't explain to a teenager that drinking too much is bad. He needs to puke his brains out one day to learn how much is too much.

 

So as a guy what do you recommend I do to not push him away and explain myself without being needy? Should I bring up it not being fair and maybe considering a breakup. We are both young. Recent college graduates.

[outsidethebox]

You are saying we need to talk about you not wanting to talk.

 

Problem is you are sure he loves you and he's not acting like it. He is setting distance between you, especially after spending three days with him. It's like an extended "I'll call you" after spending a night together and he doesn't.

 

Not that I know much about this stuff, but this is not a guy who's missing you.

 

I also don't know a lot about tact. Probably could be said a lot more supportively.

[umirano]

So as a guy what do you recommend I do to not push him away and explain myself without being needy? Should I bring up it not being fair and maybe considering a breakup. We are both young. Recent college graduates.

 

It depends.

 

Do you love him? Are you in love with him? Then the prolonged silence without announcement and good reason (hospitalization, military service, cave diving expedition) is either extremely disrespectful and rude or a sign that something happened to him. So you should try to call him one last time, and give him hell if he picks up. If you don't reach him you should be worried and call his parents/siblings, to find out whether he's still alive. If in fact he is still alive, you should make it crystal clear to him that he mistreats you and that you do not appreciate at all. He owes you a very good explanation and an apology, at least. And don't give him chance after chance. I forgave my GF twice, but each time I told her "I can't tell you how many more times I can do it. Everytime you do that you are tearing down a lot of the emotional bonds. Your problem. Your risk. The only thing I know for sure is, that I too do have limits. Good luck finding them." She was very sorry and cried. Pain is necessary.

 

Are you just into him, but still consider him an option? Don't bother, retaliate by keeping the silence yourself. But think about this carefully, you may see yourself less attached to him than you actually are. I tried this first (as per the post you quoted) and I changed tactics after two weeks as I couldn't do it anymore. So carefully think about how intense your feelings are.

 

Do you see no long term future with him anyways, as in, was he kind of a booty call? Maybe too flaky, too much of a pot head, a loser anyways? Just ditch him and go no contact. You could do that via e-mail or text.

 

good luck, and please come back and let us know how the story ends!

[umirano]

Reread your posts. They make it look like you're between scenario 2 and 3 (not bf/gf, not official, but still exclusive (?) ). But yet you post here and yet you are very upset. Maybe he's in scenario 2 but you are actually in scenario 1. But even if he's in scenario 2, there would be no reason to not get back to you, unless if he's trying to f*ck with your mind. And why would he do that? I'm sure you have something to say to that as you have the most insight in your relationship...

[aevf39]

i really dont have anything to say to that.

 

i am upset. he agreed to be exclusive and i am confused. that is why i asked for advice. i dont know what to do.

[january2011]

If/when he gets in touch, I suggest a talk to clarify whether you are both on the same page or not. It sounds like you're not, but that could be down to miscommunication and misunderstanding. Or, one or both of you know that this is quite working out but are too afraid to call it quits because of time/effort/emotions invested. A talk should clear things up.

 

In the meantime, detach, focus on other things and don't wait for him.

[umirano]

i really dont have anything to say to that.

 

Well, is it completely unthinkable that he might want to confuse you a little?

 

i am upset. he agreed to be exclusive and i am confused. that is why i asked for advice.

Ok, you don't know that he broke exclusivity. All you know he's not contacting you, or is he, but you chose to not reply for another certain amount of time? I don't advise doing that.

 

 

i dont know what to do.

I gave you an idea what to do. What speaks against what I laid out above? Do the scenarios not apply? Or are you not happy with the reactions I suggested, and if so, why?

[salparadise]

Umirano and aevf39,

 

You both are approachikng this from a problem solving perspective with the assumed goal being to get this guy to pick up the phone so she can tell him how hurt and lonely she feels... as if hearing those words would transform this idiot into the ideal boyfriend! This is a guy who is taking pleasure in causing her pain and keeping her begging for tidbits of attention.

 

It's total bull$hit and I think the guy is total bull$hit as well, assuming he is alive and at least semi-conscious. He is not worthy of this woman's devotion. He is abusing the privilege of being in a relationship with her and he is abusing her emotionally. I think he seems narcissistic, perhaps with sociopathic features, and she seems dependent and desperate. It's a game to him and it's the whole universe to her.

 

The real problem that needs to be solved is a) for her to realize that this guy is a f*ucking jerk b) for her to realize that she is addicted to this jerk, as opposed to being in love, and c) for her to figure out how badly she needs to break free of this idiot right now, and d) for her to figure out how quit being addicted to jerks generally so that she will have a chance to experience a real love in this lifetime. Otherwise she will always be on the receiving end of this kind drama or another kind of drama.

Edited January 7, 2013 by salparadise

[umirano]

Nah, I don't care whether this guy picks up his phone or not. But if he does, she should take the opportunity and make him feel bad, if she wants him. If she doesn't really want him, she should just ditch him, like I said in my previous posts.

 

OP could you clarify how things went again?

 

You arrive at home, and you give him a call which he does not pick up / return, right? Then what? You call again, no reaction? Or did he call later and you didn't react?

 

If he never reacted and you, OP, seem to think this is unusual, you should get in contact with somebody who's close to him. Accidents happen. Or he's in jail?

 

If he did react and you retaliated, then it's your mess to sort out too.

 

Let us know how it continues!

[salparadise]

Nah, I don't care whether this guy picks up his phone or not. But if he does, she should take the opportunity and make him feel bad, if she wants him.

 

He is taking pleasure from her pain. He is using her attachment for the ego gratification that he obtains from her being addicted and desperate. Trying to make him feel bad will do nothing more than stroke his selfish ego.

[umirano]

He is taking pleasure from her pain. He is using her attachment for the ego gratification that he obtains from her being addicted and desperate. Trying to make him feel bad will do nothing more than stroke his selfish ego.

 

Maybe, and maybe he needs to learn something, they'll need to talk, and this applies only if she still wants him. If not, I totally agree with you, she should move on.

 

But maybe he lies in a hospital bed with two broken legs and his jaws in a cast. That's why I suggest she gets in contact with a family member.

[aevf39]

Maybe, and maybe he needs to learn something, they'll need to talk, and this applies only if she still wants him. If not, I totally agree with you, she should move on.

 

But maybe he lies in a hospital bed with two broken legs and his jaws in a cast. That's why I suggest she gets in contact with a family member.

 

okay i am sorry. i missed your post with the options. i am really in love with this guy. we have broken up before and the last time it felt like the end. i was coping and doing my best to move on. i even still go to counseling because it was a wake up call that i needed to grow up and be excited about my life instead of just a person in it. since we began talking again things have been great. they started slow, but towards the end he was being really funny and cute and texting and calling more than usual. i know i want to be with him. in the past we have had a very healthy and fun relationship, so i have no idea what is going on now. i dont know what to think or what he is doing. i do not think he is hospitalized. i dont have fb but my friend said he updated a status on friday.

 

how the contacting went: we left the place we spent new years together on wednesday. i texted him when i got home thanking him for the great trip. he said "thanks. i love you." he went back to work thurs, but did not call me on his way as usual. no texts either. i didnt think anything of it because i just saw him for three days. then, no call friday morning so i called him twice that night. then sent a friendly text. no response. then i called saturday with a text asking if he is okay. i dont know what to do. that is how i feel. i am overwhelmed because i have been i this place with this guy before. i love him a lot. i know he loves me because he keeps coming back and does show his affection.

 

i have counseling tomorrow and am hoping for insight. i am not desperate, but i am upset that i am in this situation again when i could have been close to being over him and i would have started 2013 off right and not worrying about him. i want things to work, but i cant keep putting myself in this place. i have done nothing desperate or needy this time around and really have moved on from that mindset.

[aevf39]

He is taking pleasure from her pain. He is using her attachment for the ego gratification that he obtains from her being addicted and desperate. Trying to make him feel bad will do nothing more than stroke his selfish ego.

 

i know i am a very naive person, but i have done nothing to make him want to hurt me and every time he has he has been genuinely sorry. i do not think he is a sociopath. what kind of person would take pleasure from someone else's pain? it just doesnt make sense to me.

 

i am not addicted to him, nor am i desperate. we have been through A LOT together, and i am confused because up until thursday, i was with him and things were easy and healthy. i was not obsessing over him and focusing on myself and really excited about my life (still am).

 

i do not think being confused and seeking advice about lack of contact is a bad thing or a sign of addiction to another person. i am only looking for advice.

 

thank you all for your help. im just trying to give my side

[outsidethebox]

I disagree with some of the others. He is not trying to hurt you, he is not encouraging you to try to continue a relationship with him.

 

Maybe most would say that is more hurtful than yet another breakup dialogue, I don't know. But there might be a lot of drama in it that he not interested in. Whatever, you need a new bf imo. Hopefully he gets jealous and you end up happy.

[NoMoreJerks]

Umirano and aevf39,

 

You both are approachikng this from a problem solving perspective with the assumed goal being to get this guy to pick up the phone so she can tell him how hurt and lonely she feels... as if hearing those words would transform this idiot into the ideal boyfriend! This is a guy who is taking pleasure in causing her pain and keeping her begging for tidbits of attention.

 

It's total bull$hit and I think the guy is total bull$hit as well, assuming he is alive and at least semi-conscious. He is not worthy of this woman's devotion. He is abusing the privilege of being in a relationship with her and he is abusing her emotionally. I think he seems narcissistic, perhaps with sociopathic features, and she seems dependent and desperate. It's a game to him and it's the whole universe to her.

 

The real problem that needs to be solved is a) for her to realize that this guy is a f*ucking jerk b) for her to realize that she is addicted to this jerk, as opposed to being in love, and c) for her to figure out how badly she needs to break free of this idiot right now, and d) for her to figure out how quit being addicted to jerks generally so that she will have a chance to experience a real love in this lifetime. Otherwise she will always be on the receiving end of this kind drama or another kind of drama.

I couldn't agree more....