louise_23 Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/327217-you-shy-what ^ thats part 1 from may 2012, kinda borin, the long & short is me and this guy were good friends, kinda drifted apart but always stayed in touch and saw eachother now and again. both failed at asking eachother out (he particularly is shy but i have always been scared of being rejected by him because i valued the friendship if nothing else) part 2 - i hadnt spoke to this guy in a while, apart from usual intermittent how are you messages and general conversation. ran into him and his friends new year, had polite conversation, a few hugs here and there, whatever. while he was gone at the bar his friends spent ages talking him up and saying i seem to like him and i should go for it, i more or less said no as ive tried before, they said he mustnt have realised. they are a good group of guys (kinda nerdy, all settled down) so id be surprised if they were stitching me up but i didnt really act on what they said anyway. fastforward a few hours, about 4am, me and this guy are really drunk, im sure i mentioned i liked him during conversation but never knew where i stood etc etc, we went back to his (his idea), the rest is guessable. i feel comfortable with him all the time but felt kinda guilty in the morning, he seemed to feel slightly awkward, we hugged though, had a laugh, his flatmate is one of the friends that were out and it was slightly awkward with him when i was leaving because he didnt know i was there but nothing big. im pissed off with myself for doing this. i like the guy alot but i think ive come off pretty cheap in this whole scenario. i had kinda gotten over the idea of anything happening ages ago..i dont know. ive heard from him since, just silly conversation a few days ago, but pretty much on par with how it was before. from experience i know itll never lead anywhere. i guess im upset because i think really highly of him and probably seem like a complete tramp now. as time goes on we seem to talk less and less and this has just made me feel so ****ty. goodbye friendship. what have i done!!!!!!!!!!!! ugh :'( i dont even know what im asking just any advice would be nice. i feel awful.
Treasa Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Well, if he thinks you're a tramp because you slept with him, then he's rather hypocritical. And a dick. I'd say go ahead and just sent him a friendly email. If he doesn't reply or doesn't want to be friends, he's likely the one with the problem, not you. 3
sagetalk Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 what have i done!!!!!!!!!!!! ugh :'( i dont even know what im asking just any advice would be nice. i feel awful. The only advice I have is to not jump in the sack with them so quickly next time. If you want men to respect and desire you, that kind of behavior is a bad idea.
veggirl Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 He may not like you as much as you like him, and he doesn't want to lead you on post-sex since a lot of women get even more attached after sex. So maybe he's being distant cause of that. Also if you've been friends for a while and you suddenly bang...it's awkward! I wouldn't contact him if I was you.
Author louise_23 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Well, if he thinks you're a tramp because you slept with him, then he's rather hypocritical. And a dick. I'd say go ahead and just sent him a friendly email. If he doesn't reply or doesn't want to be friends, he's likely the one with the problem, not you. if i do this, what should i say? we briefly chatted via text a few days ago but just messing around and the whole incident wasnt mentioned The only advice I have is to not jump in the sack with them so quickly next time. If you want men to respect and desire you, that kind of behavior is a bad idea. thanks, i have known the guy like 3/4 years though, and we skated around the idea before. not such a ONS situation as your answer may suggest. He may not like you as much as you like him, and he doesn't want to lead you on post-sex since a lot of women get even more attached after sex. So maybe he's being distant cause of that. Also if you've been friends for a while and you suddenly bang...it's awkward! I wouldn't contact him if I was you. yeah you're probably rightt. i just wish i could rectify the situation but short of having a time machine i cant :'(
sagetalk Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 thanks, i have known the guy like 3/4 years though, and we skated around the idea before. not such a ONS situation as your answer may suggest. I was not suggesting it was a ONS. I was suggesting it is a bad idea to have sex with a guy you want to date, but are not dating.
Author louise_23 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 I was not suggesting it was a ONS. I was suggesting it is a bad idea to have sex with a guy you want to date, but are not dating. ok misinterpreted. yeah thats logical. sigh.
jakelongot Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 He totally likes you. My guess is when the friend brought you aside to talk him up, it wasn't completely random. I bet you've been talked about before and when you showed up NYE it was like the stars aligning. I also would not feel bad about the hookup. If you had just met the guy...maybe, but you've know eachother for 3 or 4 years. I'm thinking that this was just the thing to spur you guys over the edge as the late night/NYE/drunkeness was enough for you to both let your defenses down. He is clearly a shy guy and if he really didn't want anything to do from you, you wouldn't have heard anything since NYE. My interpretation is that he NEEDS you to take the lead if things are going to happen. If you don't want to play this role...fine, but that's the only way I see things progressing. HE is definitely, definitely, definitely interested. I guarantee it. If you really like him your going to have to swallow your pride and risk asking him out and then proceed slowly from there so he is comfortable too. I would do it if I were you because: 1.) THis could be the relationship you have been looking for. 2.) This isn't the relationship, but at least you will know and can move on with your life and not wonder...what if? 2
Author louise_23 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 He totally likes you. My guess is when the friend brought you aside to talk him up, it wasn't completely random. I bet you've been talked about before and when you showed up NYE it was like the stars aligning. I also would not feel bad about the hookup. If you had just met the guy...maybe, but you've know eachother for 3 or 4 years. I'm thinking that this was just the thing to spur you guys over the edge as the late night/NYE/drunkeness was enough for you to both let your defenses down. He is clearly a shy guy and if he really didn't want anything to do from you, you wouldn't have heard anything since NYE. My interpretation is that he NEEDS you to take the lead if things are going to happen. If you don't want to play this role...fine, but that's the only way I see things progressing. HE is definitely, definitely, definitely interested. I guarantee it. If you really like him your going to have to swallow your pride and risk asking him out and then proceed slowly from there so he is comfortable too. I would do it if I were you because: 1.) THis could be the relationship you have been looking for. 2.) This isn't the relationship, but at least you will know and can move on with your life and not wonder...what if? i really want this to be true lol. i did wonder about the friends as it was two of them that talked him up not just one. ahhh i dont know, the thought of asking him out is actually terrifying to me. he asked me out once before and i royally screwed it up because i used the AWFUL line "wait and see if you feel the same when you've sobered up" because it was like 5am and id seen him out at like 11pm the night before. (not a morning person lol). im also scared of coming across as needy/desperate/ whatever else. like he could be shy/ awkward but he could be trying to give me a hint without being mean about it. ugh i dont know what to do for the best...mixed opinions...if i do ask him out what do i say? sorry i know im overanalysing this. ugh.
jakelongot Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 i really want this to be true lol. i did wonder about the friends as it was two of them that talked him up not just one. ahhh i dont know, the thought of asking him out is actually terrifying to me. he asked me out once before and i royally screwed it up because i used the AWFUL line "wait and see if you feel the same when you've sobered up" because it was like 5am and id seen him out at like 11pm the night before. (not a morning person lol). im also scared of coming across as needy/desperate/ whatever else. like he could be shy/ awkward but he could be trying to give me a hint without being mean about it. ugh i dont know what to do for the best...mixed opinions...if i do ask him out what do i say? sorry i know im overanalysing this. ugh. Anxious/Nervous/Scarred about asking someone out? Welcome to our world Don't be worried about having messed something up. Trust me. Guys get over things fast and we are quick to "forgive" (if you want to even call it that in this situation) and I guarantee he won't hold it against you. More likely he thinks he messed up the last opportunity with you. If he was upset with you, what happened on NYE would have never went down. Please make a move, because it sounds like if you don't you will regret it and dwell on it. Even if he did reject you (and he won't), it would be much better than having it weigh on your mind for another 6 months. That is the worst. Don't build up the "asking out" part too much in your mind. Give me him a call and ask him out to dinner. Just a quick exchange. Then at dinner just be honest. "Hey it's clear there is something going on here. I like you and i'm pretty sure you like me back. If your cool with it, let's give it a try." THen do a series of low pressure and fun dates. Let him know that you don't need expensive dinners or jewlery, but just want to spend time with him. 1
Author louise_23 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Anxious/Nervous/Scarred about asking someone out? Welcome to our world Don't be worried about having messed something up. Trust me. Guys get over things fast and we are quick to "forgive" (if you want to even call it that in this situation) and I guarantee he won't hold it against you. More likely he thinks he messed up the last opportunity with you. If he was upset with you, what happened on NYE would have never went down. Please make a move, because it sounds like if you don't you will regret it and dwell on it. Even if he did reject you (and he won't), it would be much better than having it weigh on your mind for another 6 months. That is the worst. Don't build up the "asking out" part too much in your mind. Give me him a call and ask him out to dinner. Just a quick exchange. Then at dinner just be honest. "Hey it's clear there is something going on here. I like you and i'm pretty sure you like me back. If your cool with it, let's give it a try." THen do a series of low pressure and fun dates. Let him know that you don't need expensive dinners or jewlery, but just want to spend time with him. well he did mention hes got no car & getting the other one from a town i commute to all the time in a few weeks...i dont know whether to just offer him a ride or something? he mentioned he doesnt know that area well and whatever else. its not a date but at least we'll be able to talk if he agrees, the ride is about half an hour. i absolutely hate all this texting stuff. what do you think? or is that weird?
jakelongot Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 well he did mention hes got no car & getting the other one from a town i commute to all the time in a few weeks...i dont know whether to just offer him a ride or something? he mentioned he doesnt know that area well and whatever else. its not a date but at least we'll be able to talk if he agrees, the ride is about half an hour. i absolutely hate all this texting stuff. what do you think? or is that weird? he's shy. you are going to have to do the heavy lifting in that communication department. My advice is don't mess around with dates that aren't really dates. Confusing (even if you are being helpful). You need to figure this thing out, not continue to walk that awkward line in between...that's why you are in this place to begin with. Call up. Ask him out. Dinner. Tell him what you are feeling. Save yourself the headache. I'm cheering for you. I REALLY AM, but you know what need to be done. Quit procrastinating. Do it. It's 2013! 1
Author louise_23 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 he's shy. you are going to have to do the heavy lifting in that communication department. My advice is don't mess around with dates that aren't really dates. Confusing (even if you are being helpful). You need to figure this thing out, not continue to walk that awkward line in between...that's why you are in this place to begin with. Call up. Ask him out. Dinner. Tell him what you are feeling. Save yourself the headache. I'm cheering for you. I REALLY AM, but you know what need to be done. Quit procrastinating. Do it. It's 2013! lol but its terrifying. when should i do this? is this what you guys feel like all the time? surely not?
jakelongot Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 lol but its terrifying. when should i do this? is this what you guys feel like all the time? surely not? No time like the present. Don't overthink it. Yes...this is what it is like to ask for dates and put yourself on the line. We do it all the time. Scary? Yes (although it gets easier with practice).
Treasa Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 lol but its terrifying. when should i do this? is this what you guys feel like all the time? surely not? Man up. Shoot him an email if you don't want to call him.
jakelongot Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Man up. Shoot him an email if you don't want to call him. Don't do this. Just get it over with. Like a bandaid...right off! If you send an email, you will be glued to your seat waiting for a response that may or may not happen right away. More worrying and anxiety. And then you interpret what the waiting means and god forbid he doesn't return the email (did he mistakenly delete it? did he not read it? is he rejecting me?). Please call.
Treasa Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Don't do this. Just get it over with. Like a bandaid...right off! If you send an email, you will be glued to your seat waiting for a response that may or may not happen right away. More worrying and anxiety. And then you interpret what the waiting means and god forbid he doesn't return the email (did he mistakenly delete it? did he not read it? is he rejecting me?). Please call. Hey now, she's easing into it.
Author louise_23 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Hey now, she's easing into it. lol i swear this is some intense coaching going on. im getting there. i might have to get a drink at this rate.
jakelongot Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Hey now, she's easing into it. I just don't see the upside. A simple phone call will give you your answer right away and it will be over and done in two minutes. Email is not the way to go for the reason I outlined in my last post. If your only reason for emailing is because you don't have the guts to call, it doesn't make much sense. If nothing else, this whole situation should be teaching you to be direct and not skirt around the issue. Besides, if she ends up writing this email it will end up being way too long and impossible for the guy to interpret the tone of her words. Messy
Author louise_23 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 we'll I managed a healthy blend of the two...I left a message...probably a slightly awkward one because leaving messages sucks..but I've done it... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh epic freak out.I'm so glad this is not the norm for women. 1
annabelle26 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 (edited) ............ Edited January 5, 2013 by annabelle26
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