Have gone NC. Hoping even the Devil will make a deal with me, or buy my soul.

[RespectfullyAlone]

Day 9 of NC is coming to a close. I miss her just as much as I ever have. Even with my family telling me she does not deserve any of my attention, or focus based on her actions. I cannot help it unfortunately. I want her back it's killing me. Still fearing and freaking out, wondering if she will ever contact me, but also losing it knowing it's likely she never will. It's been a massive struggle to get through this evening. I'm so close to checking out her Facebook page. Even though I removed her, her profile is public. I know it won't do me any good, but today has not been a good day.

[thefooloftheyear]

I'm so close to checking out her Facebook page. Even though I removed her, her profile is public. I know it won't do me any good, but today has not been a good day.

 

DONT DO IT!!

 

In fact, DUMP your FB account!...Are you prepared for the stark reality of knowing she is SO HAPPY with her new mate? Or worse yet, maybe she posted a pic of the two of them embracing or ???

 

Im telling you for your own sanity, do not go there!!!

 

Sometimes I think that damn FB is the worst thing ever invemted!!

 

TFOY

[RespectfullyAlone]

I didn't look at her profile. As for her being happy, well my Mom happened to run into her Mother in law, and she was very concerned wondering how I was, and disgusted on how my ex had treated me and handled all this. It was at a church function. Both my Mom and sister were there. I did not attend as I knew she would be there.

 

This other guy was there too, and the way they described his behaviour was one of a puppy dog, always standing behind her off to the side about 3 steps. So she's still got that gleam in her eye for this guy it sounds like.

 

Sadly it only re-affirms to me anyway that she had a thing with him before me. It's very possible she was with him, maybe not physically together, but into each other, she sets her sights on me, pursues me, gets me, falls in love with me, then because she still thinks about this guy, that must mean he's the love of her life, so dumps and breaks me in the process. Thus he's not the GIGS guy, I was. As much as my heart says she' the one, and cries for her and hope she will make contact, the depressing reality is starting to settle in that, she won't come back. Heck her goodbye message said for me to not ask to change her mind. So if she was really confused and flaky and all over the place, she seemed to be rock solid on that part.

[RespectfullyAlone]

Trying to cope with today I find myself back on LS reading other peoples stories. I guess looking for hope that maybe there is hope in my sad situation.

 

I came across this comment today and it really hurt after reading it

 

"They also say if you do not make it past the 3rd or 4th month, the relationship will never last, or be rekindled."

 

Can anyone clarify this and know what this means exactly? Aren't there also exceptions to the rule?

[TaraMaiden]

Did you look for exceptions?

Did you find them?

 

Making it past the 3rd or 4th month - with No Contact from them - means that basically - the whole thing is dead in the water.

 

You wouldn't try to revive a corpse past a decent point, would you?

 

You will also have seen that, much as you are a pained and tormented individual - this 'story' is playing out a thousand times, a thousand times a year, on this site. So many feel as you do.

 

So yes - you truly are - 'Not Alone'.

[RespectfullyAlone]

Tara I did not look if there were exceptions, as the breakup forums on LS seems to be almost entirely of dumpees with broken hearts. I very much do want to read anything though from a dumpers perspective, if they had GIGS, remorse, and felt they had made a huge mistake in their life leaving that person.

 

When I first asked about the getting past 3-4 months, I was thinking it was to do with the length of the original relationship. As in if you didn't make it past 3-4 months in the beginning, then there's virtually no chance they will come back. But now I see it's post breakup. Thus the clock is ticking. I of course want to be the exception to the rule. I was figuring if I didn't hear back in 3-4 weeks of going NC, then that would mean it truly was over for good. But my ex is super impulsive too, and in this regard it's a bad thing. It's fine when she was like one day, I'm gonna take up hoola hooping, that kind of impulsiveness is totally cool with me, but also doing that to someone she supposedly loves is not good.

 

I spoke with her mother in law last night. She and her husband were totally devastated and felt she was acting crazy. My ex had only 3 days before leaving me, expressed her undying love to her, and was revealing all we had gone through, the wonderful experiences together. She is just as confused as I am, and my family are. And had actually told my Mom last week both her and her husband were disgusted. How could someone who was apparently madly in love, simply cut and run so quickly. And all for a guy, she knows is a bit of a player. No one rates their chances of longevity. Especially since she has 3 kids. But the real hurt I guess could be to come, when they don't work out... and she still doesn't contact me or want me back.

 

Anyway, after yesterdays anger meltdown which I posted about http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/366626-i-cracked-my-extremely-angry here, I feel a bit better today. I don't feel I have gone back to square one, rather I know there is nothing I can do at this point. She's got stars in her eyes for Mr Wonderful and that may last or not. As many people have pointed out, he might have been attracted to her and desires her, but the reality will set in that having 3 small children is no walk in the park. And when he was first in contact with her (she told me this btw), he had expressed his thoughts that 3 kids was probably a bit much. I guess now it's all good. Time will tell.

Edited January 11, 2013 by RespectfullyAlone

[RespectfullyAlone]

Day 13 of NC comes to a close. And also 13 days since the BU and had my heart ripped out. It's been tough, some days better, most days worse.

 

Time goes so slowly now, it's ridiculous. Each minute ticks by it feels like a day. Knowing I shouldn't, I go on her FB page tonight (it's public), and woah and behold her status has now been changed from separated (from her ex husband, divorce not yet finalised), to in a relationship, with the other guy she left me for. Great

 

So despite everything she loved about me, I guess I really was the rebound GIGs guy then. I clearly didn't measure up. And despite her seeming so happy, she bailed on me, and sprinted back to him. I still don't know what kind of relationship she was in before she found me, but she must be convinced it's what she wants.

 

This isn't closure and still doesn't kill my love for her, but it's heading that way I suppose. I know in the coming days, I'm going to be dying even more. Right now not so much, but it will happen.

Edited January 13, 2013 by RespectfullyAlone

[RespectfullyAlone]

UPDATE:

 

So last evening my sister informed me of a few recent things concerning my ex and her new guy. She just so happens to be best friends with this new guys sister and has been so for well over 20 years. From what I was told by my sister, the reason my ex left was down to these 2 main points. She had told this to the new guy, who in turned told his sister, who told my sister.

 

1) For some reason she was convinced I was going to make her work for a living, despite her having 3 young children under 4.

I am not a wealthy man, and she knew this. I had told her I would be doing anything and everything to support us in our life together. I did mention that at this point right now, without the support her ex husband gives her, I would not be immediately able to then move into a new house, and support as all. I did not say never, or ever, but was being honest about things in the here and now. She asked me about all different places where we might be able to live, and then even said you know what, how about we just keep staying in the small apartment she has. I was cool with that and all possibilities. As for the work side of things, she instigated a conversation in the past asking me if I wanted to move to Sydney as she could get a lot of work there and would have a lot of clients (she's a Personal Trainer and Massage Therapist). My last discussion with here was one where I felt maybe then, we could combine our efforts where I would work, and then if she felt she wanted some time off from the kids, and wanted to work or earn some money, I would be happy to then look after the kids. Essentially pooling our resources so that we both together were working on our future. How this then got turned on it's head, that I was wanting her to then go out and work, I don't know. My sister put the smack down on that right away, and her friend also knew that what my ex said didn't make sense, and what I had said felt true to her too. Thus my ex either simply got it wrong and did not understand, convinced herself this was one of my bad traits maybe, or is just telling people this, so that it doesn't make her look bad, and then hoping they will buy it. No one is. Not her mother in law, sister of the new guy, my sister, my family, me, no one is buying it. So even though she actually instigated and said on a few occasions about her working and doing things, she totally corrupted this, threw it back at me in the cold feet goodbye fb message. I told her that was not true in my final phone call with her and corrected her on various things, but she's obviously continued on with this way of thinking and is repeating it to anyone who cares to listen.

 

 

2) She wanted to home school the kids, and I had suggested on a few occasions when it was clear she was struggling and not having any time for herself, to consider maybe kindy or daycare for one or two days.

She was very pissed off about this point. I had never told her I wanted this to happen, only that I felt maybe it could be a possibility. Seeing as how she was not able to cope some days, 3 young kids, single mum, it just made sense. She even warmed to this idea, buy I guess then rejected it, and threw it at me as another reason why I was not good for her. Never mind the conversations we had were only of the small talk, cuddling on the couch banter and stuff. And seeing that she was all over the place in terms of what she wanted on many things, it was an evolving thing. If I could change one thing from the past, I would change this and would not have suggested anything on it. Nevermind that my intentions were based on care and wanting to make her life less stressful.

 

Other things that came up were as such. My ex did not tell the new guy as to the extent of our relationship, sleeping together included, or the severity of things, or how far we had gotten in the relationship. Thus she roped him in unsuspecting, and then things between them have gotten very heavy, very fast. All those discussions my ex had with me about engagements, marriage, kids, where to live ... she's already had them with him! As my sisters friend was relaying various points her brother and my ex were going through, my sister is going, yep, yep, check, she did all those with me, had all those same discussions and so on. Thus it seems maybe she really did just try to instantly replace me, and then get back up to speed where we were at in our relationship, but with the new guy. No taking it slow or anything, but going full steam ahead and throwing caution to the wind.

 

The other guys family are leary and not impressed. Even before my sister had a conversation with his sister. So who knows if she will hold her tongue, or at least let him know to protect him.

 

Apparently the new guy didn't even know of me, until after she had left. And my sister got the feeling from her friend, there wasn't any cheating or fooling around. Maybe one or two days overlap at most. Thus if that really was the case, it's even more strange then. She was in love with me, I know it. But walked away so quickly, and it seems so trivially. No wonder she was stressed and confused, but aluding to it being dealing with her ex husband and divorce papers etc.

 

Now what does this mean for me, and in the long term. Well I will be honest and say I felt encouraged somewhat last night, but as today has gone on, I've gotten more back to the reality that she is still with him, and not with me. It really does seem she made an impulsive snap decision. There is still the real possibility she's also not over her ex husband, even though know she's got signed divorce papers. On the same day her status was changed to In a relationship on FB, and she sat back and watched all the congratulations flood in, and not even say who she was in a relationship with, her ex husband changed his to It's complicated lol.

 

Putting that aside, then if she had been separated for ages, and then got into a relationship with me, I guess that makes this new guy the rebound guy maybe. Not that it gives me any real hope however, as she could be just as happy with him as she was with me, probably even more so. She was so keen to get on with it, that as my sister had thought, it's not a matter of if but when that it will fall apart. I'm not sure I feel that optimistic to be honest. I know I cannot wait around, but I do love her, I truly do. They say love makes you do crazy things, or walk through the fires of hell for someone. I'm in hell. If she did come back, I would swallow my pride, forgive her and try once again. But it would be the last chance for her, and I cannot answer if I would ever be free of the anxiety of her then leaving again. However I am prepared to try again at least, that's all I can do at this point. Despite what she has done to me, I feel I could forgive her.

 

But she could make it with this guy, even when the signs now seem to indicated it really was a very quick, rash impulsive move on her part. Clearly she will be comparing the two of us in many ways, the romance side, the sex side, the being looked after and cherished side. However even his own sister didn't think he was or would be ready to be looking after 3 kids. My ex is 27, and I'm 38. Her ex husband is 37, so I don't think my age is a problem here. This new guy is 32, and the feeling from his sister and my sister, is that he might be too young to honestly pull this off. He's obviously loving sleeping with her and all the lovey dovey stuff, but who at 32 is prepared to take on a woman with 3 kids already? I know when I was younger, I looked at guys who would marry or be in relationships with woman who had kids already, and almost think they were either desparate, or soft minded to be taking on such a task. It was like, no way, I'll have my own kids thank you very much. But as I got older my stance on that changed. Even a few years ago, there would have been no way I would have wanted to take on a wife and 3 kids. Now I understand, you can't always choose who you fall in love with, and if it's a package deal, that's ok too.

 

I'm sure many here are still going to tell me to stop thinking this way, but I do love her, and still hope she will come back. I have not broken NC and it's now at the end of day 15.

 

I was never sure how you'd classify my relationship with her as you know. Was I the rebound guy with her ex husband? or was the new guy the rebound or gigs guy? You look for hope in that maybe, that oh, well if he's gigs or a rebound, then my ex will wake up one day and go nope, I don't want this anymore, come to her senses and come back to me. I hope this will happen, but even today I started to feel that it won't happen. I think she'll go the distance with this guy, get married, have another kid and if they fail or succeed, by then years would have passed.

 

I had a massive breakdown and cried my life out last night with my parents and sister. It felt good, but I have so much hurt inside of me, that even clinging to hope is actually helping. At least that distracts me from the reality, and worse case, then another day has passed.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm just repeating my self ad nauseam now....

 

Hope?

 

You know the story of Pandora...Right?

 

All 'hope' contains, is a big fat 'zero'..

 

Pandora famously and unwittingly released all the furies, ills and evils of the world, when she opened the box consigned to her trust.... she slammed the lid shut to prevent further damage, but only one thing remained in the box: HOPE.

 

However, if you read and mark the story well, it relates how the box contained ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world - not ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world except one.... so 'Hope’ is just as much a negative as the rest of them. This is why the word 'hope' is so often preceded by the word 'false'.....

 

Hope does nothing but leave a Hole in your heart, and make it bleed longer.

 

Quit Hoping.

The basic fact I'm drawing from this, is that she is extremely fickle, completely untrustworthy, and looking for a man she can largely freeload on....

Now, three children is a huge responsibility, hard work, and quite a challenge for any man to accept... but one would hope their father is fully co-operative in supporting them....

 

These three children, I assume they're all from one father?

[RespectfullyAlone]

I'm just repeating my self ad nauseam now....

 

Hope?

 

You know the story of Pandora...Right?

 

All 'hope' contains, is a big fat 'zero'..

 

Pandora famously and unwittingly released all the furies, ills and evils of the world, when she opened the box consigned to her trust.... she slammed the lid shut to prevent further damage, but only one thing remained in the box: HOPE.

 

However, if you read and mark the story well, it relates how the box contained ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world - not ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world except one.... so 'Hope’ is just as much a negative as the rest of them. This is why the word 'hope' is so often preceded by the word 'false'.....

 

Hope does nothing but leave a Hole in your heart, and make it bleed longer.

 

Quit Hoping.

The basic fact I'm drawing from this, is that she is extremely fickle, completely untrustworthy, and looking for a man she can largely freeload on....

Now, three children is a huge responsibility, hard work, and quite a challenge for any man to accept... but one would hope their father is fully co-operative in supporting them....

 

These three children, I assume they're all from one father?

 

Yes all 3 children are from the same father. The father is sending her money each month to help support them. He doesn't spend much time with the children however. But the door is open for him to if he chooses and wants to be a part of their life more.

 

My hope will die naturally. I don't need to kill it, when right now all I feel is I cannot give up on her. I don't feel vindictive, or angry, I feel like until it get's to a point of no return like marriage, I am prepared to continue feeling that love for her, and praying that somehow she might re-appear in my life.

 

As for her freeloading on a guy, well the new guy is less settled and setup than me. So really I don't think it has to do with money at this point. She's a mom to 3 kids, so while I did suggest maybe daycare and few things to take the load off, and her even mentioning working herself, I knew my role was one of working my ass off to take care of her and the kids. I was ok with that.

Edited January 15, 2013 by RespectfullyAlone

[TaraMaiden]

YOU knew what you role was going to be...

Did she know that?

Did you ever communicate that, to her?

[RespectfullyAlone]

YOU knew what you role was going to be...

Did she know that?

Did you ever communicate that, to her?

Yes we spoke about it alot actually, but she would have differing views on this too. At first almost keen to work herself, to then just wanting to be a stay at home mum. Thus I never pushed the topic but was honest when we spoke about it. Seems the last conversation we had, she got out of it that I wanted her to work full time for the whole family. But keep in mind that is only one of the "reasons" she broke up. It could of in fact not been an issue, or an annoyance maybe that could have easily been worked out.

 

My role wasn't set in stone, but I was fully prepared for that role. She's got 3 kids, it's not like we would be living it up in luxury and she knew that, and seemed totally ok with it. She liked the idea of us pooling our resources together, so that maybe some days she might want to work, do personal training / yoga classes etc. I was totally cool with that too, it would give her a break from the kids.

 

But since I never got a chance to really then talk the nuts and bolts about these things, it was always just banter and small cuddly talk and what not, it's hard for me to really know her thoughts now.

[incandescent]

hi respectfully alone,

 

i know what your going through, i've been in NC for 2 weeks, she told me repeatedly that she loved me, she didn't know what she would do without me, then we had a little arguement, (some guy keeps messaging her dirty comments, and she wouldn't tell him to stop it, she kind of encouraged it, and the argument went from there) after the argument she told me the 'spark had gone' 'its me not you' all these classic words.

 

to start with its surreal and crazy, i thought it was a dream and its really hard to take in exactly what has happen, all i can say is try and completely remove her from your life. remove her from facebook, block her if necessary, but DO NOT go peaking, honestly, it will kill you if you were to see something you didn't want to... ignorance in this case, is bliss.... what you don't know wont hurt you.

 

i know she hurt you, and had future plans together. but no contact will really do you some good. she may realise that she has made a terrible mistake and get back in contact with you, if that's the case it's down to you how you play it... but she really hurt you, man.

 

after completely blocking her and getting her out of your life, you really will start to see a difference. the first 5 days to a week were ****ing horrible. i needed sleeping pills to actually sleep, because i too kept getting weird anxiety feelings that you were describing. but after 5 days i decided to TELL myself, she is GONE. she IS NOT coming back. this honestly helps... honestly... 2 weeks in and of course i miss her and love her, but not as much, im slowly letting her go. so please, dont beat yourself up over it, crack on with life, if she has made a mistake and DOES love you, SHE will come back. in the meantime all you can do is get on with life, the ball is in her court

[RespectfullyAlone]

hi respectfully alone,

 

i know what your going through, i've been in NC for 2 weeks, she told me repeatedly that she loved me, she didn't know what she would do without me, then we had a little arguement, (some guy keeps messaging her dirty comments, and she wouldn't tell him to stop it, she kind of encouraged it, and the argument went from there) after the argument she told me the 'spark had gone' 'its me not you' all these classic words.

 

to start with its surreal and crazy, i thought it was a dream and its really hard to take in exactly what has happen, all i can say is try and completely remove her from your life. remove her from facebook, block her if necessary, but DO NOT go peaking, honestly, it will kill you if you were to see something you didn't want to... ignorance in this case, is bliss.... what you don't know wont hurt you.

 

i know she hurt you, and had future plans together. but no contact will really do you some good. she may realise that she has made a terrible mistake and get back in contact with you, if that's the case it's down to you how you play it... but she really hurt you, man.

 

after completely blocking her and getting her out of your life, you really will start to see a difference. the first 5 days to a week were ****ing horrible. i needed sleeping pills to actually sleep, because i too kept getting weird anxiety feelings that you were describing. but after 5 days i decided to TELL myself, she is GONE. she IS NOT coming back. this honestly helps... honestly... 2 weeks in and of course i miss her and love her, but not as much, im slowly letting her go. so please, dont beat yourself up over it, crack on with life, if she has made a mistake and DOES love you, SHE will come back. in the meantime all you can do is get on with life, the ball is in her court

I'll never know if she lost her spark (don't see how that's possible in 3-4 days, but it could be), or let her head get in the way and actually think these "problems" that she mentioned were relationship enders. I simply don't know the answer to that. But her getting with this new guy litterally minutes after she dumped me via fb msg, has to show her true intentions.

 

I've removed her from FB and skype, but still have been taking a peak at her profile as it's public. However not all posts are public. I know I shouldn't do it and I am getting better and not looking. I know she's already massively invested into this new guy. It's like she just transferred all our hard work and feelings onto him and was able to get back up to speed even quicker with him. It just feels really weird to me.

 

I sleep better now, but won't eat unless my family force me to.

 

As for her loving me, how will I ever know. She did say she meant it when she said she loved me, but then tried to allude to me, being in love with the idea of being in love. I know that's not true, because I was in love with her, not the notion. Thus it's possible it was her who was not in love with me, and only the idea, the attention. She's getting all that with the new guy, and I honestly would not be surprised she gets engaged to him really soon, with a marriage to follow. She wanted all that with me, but then replaced me with this guy, and then is carrying on with the things she wants.

 

I don't know how she is able to do this. He may be a rebound, GIGS maybe, but it seems she want's to marry him already, as I know they have discussed all those things already. Thus I doubt he is a conventional rebound and she's not with him to get over me, she left me to get with him. I found this while googling trying to understand just what a rebound is, as it has several different formats.

 

When folks rebound it is due to the fact she or he has simply taken the feelings they’d or still have for you and transferred them to some other person. Those feelings of love are real ; they are just directed at the incorrect person. The reason folks frequently rebound is really because it’s better to transfer feelings instead of deal with the loss due to the unexpected void in their lives.

 

That so feels like my situation. She's transferred everything she felt for me instantly onto the new guy, and right now she's on cloud 9. Even going so far as to post a FB pic a few days back that said "Unstoppable".

 

What about GIGS? Well I guess time will tell. That is one thing to my advantage in that, because she didn't have any time to herself, and was with him 3 days after leaving me, or 2 if you count her last affectionate txt msgs, then it's human nature she's going to be comparing all his qualities and traits to mine without her probably even knowing it. However, I think she'll be more forgiving with him, and even if he doesn't maybe match up in some places, she'll press on.

 

I truly hope she did love me, even if it makes no difference in her coming back. I felt she did love me, I saw it in her actions, her eyes, her body language, her affection towards me, her smile. But that could just have been something else maybe too. For my sake however, I would like to believe she did love me, and hope it is true.

Edited January 15, 2013 by RespectfullyAlone

[incandescent]

I'll never know if she lost her spark (don't see how that's possible in 3-4 days, but it could be), or let her head get in the way and actually think these "problems" that she mentioned were relationship enders. I simply don't know the answer to that. But her getting with this new guy litterally minutes after she dumped me via fb msg, has to show her true intentions.

 

I've removed her from FB and skype, but still have been taking a peak at her profile as it's public. However not all posts are public. I know I shouldn't do it and I am getting better and not looking. I know she's already massively invested into this new guy. It's like she just transferred all our hard work and feelings onto him and was able to get back up to speed even quicker with him. It just feels really weird to me.

 

I sleep better now, but won't eat unless my family force me to.

 

As for her loving me, how will I ever know. She did say she meant it when she said she loved me, but then tried to allude to me, being in love with the idea of being in love. I know that's not true, because I was in love with her, not the notion. Thus it's possible it was her who was not in love with me, and only the idea, the attention. She's getting all that with the new guy, and I honestly would not be surprised she gets engaged to him really soon, with a marriage to follow. She wanted all that with me, but then replaced me with this guy, and then is carrying on with the things she wants.

 

I don't know how she is able to do this. He may be a rebound, GIGS maybe, but it seems she want's to marry him already, as I know they have discussed all those things already. Thus I doubt he is a conventional rebound and she's not with him to get over me, she left me to get with him. I found this while googling trying to understand just what a rebound is, as it has several different formats.

 

 

 

That so feels like my situation. She's transferred everything she felt for me instantly onto the new guy, and right now she's on cloud 9. Even going so far as to post a FB pic a few days back that said "Unstoppable".

 

What about GIGS? Well I guess time will tell. That is one thing to my advantage in that, because she didn't have any time to herself, and was with him 3 days after leaving me, or 2 if you count her last affectionate txt msgs, then it's human nature she's going to be comparing all his qualities and traits to mine without her probably even knowing it. However, I think she'll be more forgiving with him, and even if he doesn't maybe match up in some places, she'll press on.

 

I truly hope she did love me, even if it makes no difference in her coming back. I felt she did love me, I saw it in her actions, her eyes, her body language, her affection towards me, her smile. But that could just have been something else maybe too. For my sake however, I would like to believe she did love me, and hope it is true.

 

one thing i have learnt is that women know that the relationship (in their eyes) isn't going the way they had thought, MONTHS before they actually say anything like they want to break it off, they sense it somehow, leaving the man completely in shock. but there must have been some hints during the ending stages of the relationship to support this.

 

with me for example there would be less sex, less kissing, less hugging, etc... i did ask her about all this, but she said she 'was becoming more comfortable' with me, which is bull****, obviously. i would try and start most of these, but she would be less willing, and less affectionate. but because she told me she 'was becoming more comfortable' with the relationship i thought nothing of it... i should have saw it, but i trusted her words.

 

3-4 days is crazy, especially when they are talking about marriage... that is REALLY odd. but like i said, IF i am right in that she knew it was over months before it actually ended, it will take less time for them to move on. unfair i know, it really is... but you never know, this could be a rebound and after a month of two (maybe even before) she will realise that she has made the biggest mistake of her life and try to get you back.

 

Yeah it could possibly be GIGS, your deffo right time will tell. but in the meantime, organise some stuff with friends, do something to get your mind off her. it works wonders!

[RespectfullyAlone]

Holy, sh*t, holy crap, that moment I had been praying for, for 3 weeks just happened. My phone just blew up with 4 txt message, which was actually just one long big FB msg from my EX.

 

It was a huge massive message. So many things she covered, it will take me a few days to even be able to sit down and read the whole thing and digest it.

 

Point is she's miserable, unhappy, still thinking of her ex husband and very very sorry for causing me hurt. She appears to not be in a good way. Things are not going good with the new guy. She mentioned one thing as to why, because she is still in touch with her ex husband and this bothers the new guy. But I don't think she's trying to get her ex back, rather because he's the father of her 3 kids. I've never had any jealousy on this, and knew due to the connection they have, that there would probably always be some communication and I was always ok with this.

 

I want to reply to her msg, point by point, and try and show her I am not angry, or resentful, that I meant and mean my commitment to her, her 3 kids and a life together is still there. Maybe in a day or so, or even longer, suggesting we meet for a coffee/chai. Or maybe asking if she'd like to go see her mother in law, and I will pay to fly her there. And then hopefully, being able to go for half a day myself to see and talk to her there. I had suggested this to her mother in law a few days ago actually. So she must have spoken with my ex about some things as now I have a huge fb msg to try to understand.

 

I feel like I may just have a chance, at least to fight for her one last time. Today was day 18 of NC, and I always had this feeling that 3-4 weeks after the BU was going to the make or break moment. If I heard from her by then, I felt I had a chance, if not, then dreading that moment when a month rolls over, that I'd never hear from her again.

 

Thoughts, suggestions, helpful advice? I will be contacting her at somepoint, so for the hardcore NC'ers please be supportive and put yourself in my shoes. Most every single person that has been dumped has wanted this, to hear from their loved one. She didn't just send me a one line msg saying I miss you, rather she spilled her guts out and I think for once is being honest. While she is not asking for me back, and telling me to not get false hopes, she is still telling me many times how special we were together. She is scared of her future, the unknown.

 

She also knows I have removed myself from all our friend circles, Church, everything and everyplace that I may have bumped into her, or even seen her from a distance, and she asked that I goto these places and do things again, and that she would remove herself until such a time as things didn't hurt so much.

 

I won't reply today, and am not even sure how I will reply. There's simply too much info she's covered to even get my head around it and understand it. But she did ask me if I had any questions to ask away...

 

God heard my prayers today. Blessed be He who is always there for us, Who will never hurt us, and will always love us.

Edited January 18, 2013 by RespectfullyAlone

[fungusamungus]

She's 27... has 3 kids, walked out of her marriage with someone that she has 3 children with, jumped to you and is now with someone ELSE and you are still holding onto hope?

 

Here is a perspective you should think about...

 

She at one time in love with her ex-husband. They had THREE kids, she was WAY more committed to him than she ever was to you. And yet, she still left him. If she left him for greener pastures, then why are you so shocked that she left you for greener pastures? She flat out TOLD you not to get your hopes up, and that is exactly what you are doing.

 

Personally, I would never trust or commit to a person who left me for someone else, because I could never trust them again. Think of it this way... did you EVER consider walking out of that relationship for someone else? Or have even an emotional affair with someone else? Why? Because you were in love with her? And yet... she DID all those things. Do you really think that she would have if she were as in love with you as you were with her?

Edited January 18, 2013 by fungusamungus

[RespectfullyAlone]

She's 27... has 3 kids, walked out of her marriage with someone that she has 3 children with, jumped to you and is now with someone ELSE and you are still holding onto hope?

 

Here is a perspective you should think about...

 

She at one time in love with her ex-husband. They had THREE kids, she was WAY more committed to him than she ever was to you. And yet, she still left him. If she left him for greener pastures, then why are you so shocked that she left you for greener pastures? She flat out TOLD you not to get your hopes up, and that is exactly what you are doing.

 

Personally, I would never trust or commit to a person who left me for someone else, because I could never trust them again.

 

She didn't walk out on her husband. I've mentioned the timeline and events in previous posts.

 

He had affairs, and ending up leaving her for another woman who he's still with. When she was pregnant with the kids, he was essentially repulsed, and won't even look or touch her. On the night of the birth of I think her 3 child, he wasn't there... he was out partying with his mates. She had asked him to be there, and his response was that he'd been planing this night for sooo long. I could go on.

 

They broke up a year ago. She has been living apart from him for an entire year, while he's been with this other woman. He's only seen the kids half a dozen times during this year.

 

Yes she did tell me to not get my hopes up. History has shown that woman for many reasons don't always say what they mean. I love this girl. And I know her feelings for me were real. Clearly things are a total mess, but I will continue with actions and words, to show her I will not be someone who will abandon her, even when she needs support the most. She's very clearly frightened, ashamed, and sorry for how she treated me, even saying I did nothing wrong. I will not kick her to the curb and say well you deserve to feel this way. From own upbringing and how I treat others, being compassionate towards all, especially those who you love, is not a weak thing to do. I am no doormat, I know my own self worth. I also know people get confused, make mistakes and become bewildered because of them. You don't have to be married to believe and act in a manner that shows "For Better, or Worse". All want the "For Better" part, and most all don't want the "For Worse" part. But if you love someone, anything can be achieved. You can be successful.

Edited January 18, 2013 by RespectfullyAlone

[fungusamungus]

Yes she did tell me to not get my hopes up. History has shown that woman for many reasons don't always say what they mean. I love this girl. And I know her feelings for me were real. Clearly things are a total mess, but I will continue with actions and words, to show her I will not be someone who will abandon her, even when she needs support the most. She's very clearly frightened, ashamed, and sorry for how she treated me, even saying I did nothing wrong. I will not kick her to the curb and say well you deserve to feel this way. From own upbringing and how I treat others, being compassionate towards all, especially those who you love, is not a weak thing to do. I am no doormat, I know my own self worth. I also know people get confused, make mistakes and become bewildered because of them. You don't have to be married to believe and act in a manner that shows "For Better, or Worse". All want the "For Better" part, and most all don't want the "For Worse" part. But if you love someone, anything can be achieved. You can be successful.

Sigh...

 

Here is the problem... you hear and interpret things the way you want to interpret things. You believe her when she says nice things to you 3 days before she breaks things off and believe those to be genuine feelings, but "don't get your hopes up" is just a matter of her not saying what she means. She left you because of another guy, and to you, that's just a confused person making a mistake and not knowing what she's doing.

 

"For better or worse" is a MUTUAL commitment to each other. Not one person making a commitment to one person.

 

No one said you did anything wrong, and no one said that she shouldn't be sorry about how she treated you. But don't mistake her feeling bad for leaving you for someone else as a sign that she still wants to reconcile with you.

 

Honest question... have you ever dumped someone before? Or ever been in a relationship where you no longer love the other person who clearly still does? Let me tell you what it feels like... terrible. The guilt is immense. But it doesn't change the way you feel. And trust me, you try to rekindle it, you try to talk yourself into it, because you don't want to hurt the other person... but in the end there is nothing you can do, and it is unfair for both of you to stay. We are entitled to our own happiness. And despite the fact that they treat you like gold, it doesn't matter, because you can't make someone love you. They have to naturally feel it themselves.

[RespectfullyAlone]

There are things you have to take at face value, words, her words for example, but also after going through this whole experience, knowing nothing is quite as it seems.

 

While I got her msg this mid morning, I didn't end up sending her a reply until late this evening. An hour later, she had sent me 3 replies back. First to thank me for my reply. Second, to saying she was sorry for causing me so much grief. And again to ask if I had questions, and saying now was a good time as she was having some space away from the guy she got with after leaving me. I had told her in my short msg, that I was going to be respectful of her being in a new relationship and maybe the time wasn't right to be asking questions about us. Her reply was she still wanted me to ask her anything, and that she was having some space away from him while she righted some wrongs.

 

I will contact her tomorrow. As for her having some space, who knows if this is an attempt on her part to simply have some nice closure, and thus this is her righting some wrongs. Or if she really does want to know about my thoughts concerning "us". I wasn't specific other than that. I'm not sure how tomorrow is going to go, or what I will say.

 

I still have hope things will turn out, but know full well this could simply be a guilt removing exercise on her part. However she did tell me alot of stuff she didn't need to, or have really any need to tell me things, that she was having problems in her new relationship. Thus I'm not going to go into this new message phase thinking it's a foregone conclusion it's simply a nice goodbye on her part. Rather I am prepared for it to head in that direction.

 

So far, communication has been really nice with her. She sent me that big long msg today, and I replied later on. Then the 3 short messages from her afterwards.

 

Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Edited January 18, 2013 by RespectfullyAlone

[Blebly]

There are things you have to take at face value, words, her words for example, but also after going through this whole experience, knowing nothing is quite as it seems.

 

While I got her msg this mid morning, I didn't end up sending her a reply until late this evening. An hour later, she had sent me 3 replies back. First to thank me for my reply. Second, to saying she was sorry for causing me so much grief. And again to ask if I had questions, and saying now was a good time as she was having some space away from the guy she got with after leaving me. I had told her in my short msg, that I was going to be respectful of her being in a new relationship and maybe the time wasn't right to be asking questions about us. Her reply was she still wanted me to ask her anything, and that she was having some space away from him while she righted some wrongs.

 

I will contact her tomorrow. As for her having some space, who knows if this is an attempt on her part to simply have some nice closure, and thus this is her righting some wrongs. Or if she really does want to know about my thoughts concerning "us". I wasn't specific other than that. I'm not sure how tomorrow is going to go, or what I will say.

 

I still have hope things will turn out, but know full well this could simply be a guilt removing exercise on her part. However she did tell me alot of stuff she didn't need to, or have really any need to tell me things, that she was having problems in her new relationship. Thus I'm not going to go into this new message phase thinking it's a foregone conclusion it's simply a nice goodbye on her part. Rather I am prepared for it to head in that direction.

 

So far, communication has been really nice with her. She sent me that big long msg today, and I replied later on. Then the 3 short messages from her afterwards.

 

Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

 

No , all you are is a dog wiggling his tail happy master is back home.

 

And what's with all the "God" talk? get real already and grow up , you sound like a 14 year old , pull your sh*t together , she'll dump you the first chance she gets.

[fungusamungus]

The communication with her is "nice" because it provides you with hope and more importantly, expectations.

 

It is fine to have expectations as long as you are OK with being letdown. Of course she is going to be talking to you about stuff if you are open to talking to her. If you dated for any significant time whatsoever and ever developed a close emotional bond, then she is going to feel comfortable talking about stuff to you. But again... it's all prefaced by... "I'm not coming back to you romantically, so don't get your hopes up". If you are ok with being her emotional sponge without ever being in a romantic relationship with her again, then carry on. But if that were TRULY the case, then you wouldn't "have your fingers crossed for tomorrow". Avoid having selective hearing. You cannot buy into everything she says that gives you hope and choose to ignore the big, fat elephant in the room saying... "I'm not interested in a reconciliation".

 

There are going to be a lot of "crossed fingers for tomorrows". You never answered my question, have you ever dumped someone before who was more in love with you than you were with them? If she left you for someone else, then all the talk about "how perfect you are" and "how happy she is", 3 days before the breakup was all hot air. And yet, you are holding onto those words like gospel. Women do not leave on the first impulse to leave. Feelings do not switch off overnight. Then men who are blindsided by a breakup are blindsided because they refused to see the signs of a failing relationship, or their significant others either lied to them (or themselves) or suppressed their dissatisfaction.

 

People are so self-centered sometimes... you think that you guys are meant to be together because she is the center of YOUR world. But you are not the center of hers (clearly), and if you only dated for 2 months, you really have no way of knowing if you ever were. It takes 2 to tango. Just because you think she is the one for YOU does not mean that you were the one for HER. Unrequited love sucks, it's one of the most unfair things in the world, but it happens and you just have to deal with it like everyone else. When I was in law school, I dated a girl for about 3 months. We were great friends, she was a sweet, genuine, down to Earth girl. She said all the right things, we had a ton of fun together, spent HOURS with each other EVERY day, and had incredible sex 4-5 nights a week. We were completely infatuated with each other, but it was a honeymoon. 2 months is too short for someone to have GIGS. If someone leaves you after 2 months for someone else without a clear problem in your relationship... it's likely that she never felt as strongly for you as you believed she did.

Edited January 18, 2013 by fungusamungus