SoonMyFriend Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Short story - we had a serious LTR that I ended in the summer. We were "high school sweethearts" that just went wrong. Our breakup went as well as one can go when it isn't mutual. We have been NC since the breakup, up until I had to contact him earlier this month to let him know he was on longer on my benefits (I had to wait for year-end in order to make the changes to my health plan). It was a short email, no bread crumbs. However, he since wrote me back explaining all the "changes" he's made to his life and how he thinks we could be better than ever... I wrote back and was totally honest - that I am happy, and moving on with my life. What I didn't tell him is that I am dating, and now I am seriously dating one person and hope to continue dating this person. I feel it's none of his business to know I am dating. However, since he still appears to be carrying some sort of torch, I also want him to move on with his life. His reponse back to my "move on with your life and be good to someone else email because I am happy" was just to say "if at any point you want to try things again, I am here. It's an open invitation"... etc. Does anyone think I should tell him that I am dating in order for him to fully understand our relationship is over? I decided not too because I felt it was too hurtful and also.. again, not his business. Thoughts?
crashvector Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Short story - we had a serious LTR that I ended in the summer. We were "high school sweethearts" that just went wrong. Our breakup went as well as one can go when it isn't mutual. We have been NC since the breakup, up until I had to contact him earlier this month to let him know he was on longer on my benefits (I had to wait for year-end in order to make the changes to my health plan). It was a short email, no bread crumbs. However, he since wrote me back explaining all the "changes" he's made to his life and how he thinks we could be better than ever... I wrote back and was totally honest - that I am happy, and moving on with my life. What I didn't tell him is that I am dating, and now I am seriously dating one person and hope to continue dating this person. I feel it's none of his business to know I am dating. However, since he still appears to be carrying some sort of torch, I also want him to move on with his life. His reponse back to my "move on with your life and be good to someone else email because I am happy" was just to say "if at any point you want to try things again, I am here. It's an open invitation"... etc. Does anyone think I should tell him that I am dating in order for him to fully understand our relationship is over? I decided not too because I felt it was too hurtful and also.. again, not his business. Thoughts? Wow...i think i would only do that if he contacts you again
SharkTooth Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Did you ever think he might be just being nice to you? After all this time do you think he has been waiting by the phone? You contacted him remember? I would say you guys are not even remotely close enough to tell him about your new life. Like you said, it's none of his business. Leave him alone, he was fine until you "had" to tell him about the health care 5
Author SoonMyFriend Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Of course I had to tell him about the health care. You can't suddenly go from full coverage (dental, specialty care, prescriptions) to no coverage at all without warning. What if he had booked dental appointments? How shady would it have been if I just took him off the plan and then he finds out after incurring hundreds of dollars at a dental appoinment he suddenly isn't covered anymore? I did it out of courtesy so he didn't get stuck paying hundeds of dollars in fees I know he can't afford right now. Anywho... I am going to continue to "leave him alone" I just have no idea if perhaps it would be better for him to know the full truth, or what would be too hurtful. Since we were together so long, this is my first true breakup so I really have no idea what the proper "protocal" is for situations like this...
na49 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 How long have you been broken up? If it was recent, how many changes could he have really made? I think you'll hurt him either way honestly. Ignoring him will hurt. When he finds out you don't want him back, it will hurt. If he emails you again, then I'd tell him that you're dating other people. I wish I got an email like that from my ex.
fixing Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 You should tell him if you both talk again. I mean, it sounds like he is waiting and hoping you will come back.... If you sense that is the case i feel you owe it to him to be straight up and tell him you are dating. It will hurt him, but also give him real closure, he needs this to really move on imo.
flitzanu Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 yeah, while i agree it's a little weird you had to tell him about the insurance...as in why would he even assume you were going to carry him on your insurance long after being dumped? but anyway...it's a valid point that you made sure he knew. as for what to tell him, just stop talking to him. you told him what you needed to say, now go back to NC. anything you say from here on out will just prolong communication back and forth and neither of you need that. 2
Quest4_TheLost Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 It wasn't weird you had to tell him about the insurance... It's nice to see that some people can be adult and handle their buisness like an adult. Which is exactly what you did. As for the dating some other guy. I wouldn't bother with it. I wouldn't say he is is sitting there crying in his soup over things. More like he does still care about you and your past. So he threw it out there as an option. You said all you had to say really. Best to leave it at that. 4
Quest4_TheLost Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 (edited) I'm pretty sure this isn't a gender issue and guys do exactly the same thing. Edited January 3, 2013 by Quest4_TheLost
Author SoonMyFriend Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Sorry to bump an old thread... but.... So after I posted the above thread we went back to NC. Then a few weeks ago I ran into my ex on public transit and we had a short but awkward conversation. He immediately began emailing me again asking to meet for coffee, talk things over, etc etc. I debated responding but thought I'd try once more to hammer home that I am happy, have no regrets, and have no interest in even just meeting for coffee to "catch up". He responded to that by saying he just thinks we could still be great, etc etc... I ignored that response and hoped that would be the end of it. Now he's emailing again asking for just one night of my time to talk things over AGAIN... My question is this: Do I continue to ignore him? OR Do I respond back one more time and tell him I am seriously dating someone else. My friends say ignore. My therapist says ignore but if he continues to email I should probably be honest about the new boyfriend. I am torn. I just want him to move on with his life.
BrokenHeartsClub Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 If after all this he is still persisting, NOW I would tell him that your already seeing someone else. This is going to be hard for him since he obviously still has feelings for you. Not it's not his business that your seeing someone, but in his mind if he just gets that 'One last magical time' with you, there still might be a chance. It sounds to me like he still may be in the denial stage. Telling him could do 1 of 2 things: 1. He will wise up and leave you alone 2. He will try even harder to get you to meet him and talk (In which case you should ignore the attention so he would get the hint) I don't know what kind of person he is so I don't know how he'll act. If it has been a little bit since the break or it hasn't he needs to know that there is no chance that you both are getting back together.
KatZee Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Did you ever think he might be just being nice to you? After all this time do you think he has been waiting by the phone? You contacted him remember? I would say you guys are not even remotely close enough to tell him about your new life. Like you said, it's none of his business. Leave him alone, he was fine until you "had" to tell him about the health care I don't think he's being "just nice" at all. I think he's carrying a very obvious torch for her. It's clear when he states he's made so many changes and that they could be "better than ever" all while leaving an open invitation for her to come back. He's a typical dumpee. Hopelessly naive and hopelessly hopeful for reconciliation if he just gives her enough space. If he contacts you again, I would let him know that you are dating. Let him know that you don't want to give him any false hopes, that you're seeing someone new and wish him well. 2
aisuru Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I personally would ignore. I can understand why others would recommend telling him you're in a relationship. Maybe hearing that you've moved on and are happy will be the catalyst for him to move on. In the end, you do what feels right for you.
Zahara Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Helping him move on with his life entails him knowing that you are in a relationship, I don't understand the need to keep that pertinent detail a secret. He's going to be hurt either way. You keep rejecting him = hurt and he'll keep trying. Indefinite hurt. You tell him the truth = hurt but he'll soon accept it and move on. Temporary hurt. I understand you empathize with him but you cutting him loose is much more kinder than allowing him to keep feeding into his hope. Or maybe you like the attention? 1
Author SoonMyFriend Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Thanks for the quick responses, everyone. Zahara, I certainly don't like the attention. I broke up with him for many reasons!! These emails drive me nuts and do nothing but provoke my anxiety. Time for some full honesty and just tell him I am dating. Thanks everyone, as always this place is an incredible resource 2
BustedUpInside Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 How did it go? Have you told your ex that you are in a new relationship? Btw, I think that it is a good thing that you are going to tell him. I think that the reason that a lot of people are unable to move on from a break up is because they still hang onto hope and have lots of questions still about the other person's feelings. By explaining that there is no chance of reconciliation and that you are with someone new, it will probably hurt your ex, but it will be a one time hurt instead of dragging it out over a longer period of time where he continues to foster hope about something that just will never happen.
NewPerspective93 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Tell him you're seeing someone else so he'll know you're not interested anymore or else he'll keep trying. For all he knows, you might be single since you have NOT mentioned seeing someone else. Cheers.
Author SoonMyFriend Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 I told him and then we ended up having a long conversation. Turns out he is still very much in love with me and still can't move on. He's tried dating other people but has only hurt a few girls in the process. I finally feel like he's gotten everything he needs to say out in the open. He told me his plans he had been forming to win me back, the continued change in his life, and also the pain of dealing with the breakup and the things he did to contribute to the end of our relationship. I reiterated that I am not interested in starting over, and still feel our breakup was the right call. But told him I was sorry for the pain I caused and for my part in the breakup. Now hopefully he can pick up the pieces and move on. I really hope he does at least. 3
na49 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 How old are you guys? and it probably kills him to read that, but honestly, if that doesn't push him in the right direction then nothing you tell him will.
BrokenHeartsClub Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Yo good for you Soon. Every one is different and sometimes we need the cold hard truth for reality to set in.
BustedUpInside Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 You have now done everything you possibly can to help your ex move on. Now, you can let go of any guilty feelings you may have had. That has got to be a little bit of a relief. Good luck with your new relationship
ForeverHopeful1 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 How old are you guys? and it probably kills him to read that, but honestly, if that doesn't push him in the right direction then nothing you tell him will. Read the whole post, then comment!
Author SoonMyFriend Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 How old are you guys? and it probably kills him to read that, but honestly, if that doesn't push him in the right direction then nothing you tell him will. We're late twenties, started dating late in high school.
Author SoonMyFriend Posted September 20, 2013 Author Posted September 20, 2013 I'm sorry to drag up this topic again but my ex has started contacting me again and is looking to start hanging out again. After I posted this thread and things seemed to resolve he sent me a very angry email that was filled with a lot of hateful things. But then at the end of the email he wrote "but I will always love you and always want to give you a second chance and I will wait for you". We ended up talking in person (he showed up at my apartment out of the blue) and we seemed to FINALLY clear the air. That was in June and I hadn't heard a peep from him. Then suddenly he started emailing me again earlier this week. He sent me a random link to a random newspaper article saying it made him think of me. Then last night he sends me an email asking me to dinner & a movie Saturday night. THEN this morning I can another email saying the reason he's asked me to dinner is because his best friend is moving for work, and he feels like he's losing all of his friends. So he wants me back in his life since he still counts me among his friends. He also goes on to admit he still loves me, thinks of me every day, but will be perfectly happy being my friend... I just don't know what to do. I've told him time and time again to move on and that I have no interest in being friends (because obviously it would mean more to him and frankly I've moved on and replaced his friendship). Do I just ignore him and risk another series of angry emails and possibly him turning up at my apartment again? Or do I just write back, say the same thing I've said before (move on, etc) and hope that's it?? I just don't know what to do. Thanks LS.
barky2 Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 He will continue doing this until he finds someone else. If your absolutely positive you want nothing to do with him, then tell him. But if the guy your dating happen to break up, then you sniff him out would be wrong in so many ways. If your sure youre done with him for good, then simply tell him you have no desire for him to be in your life, that your happy with someone else and for him to please respect it. But make sure, once again, that is completely what you want. Because I guarantee you after that conversation, he will be with someone shortly. Barky 1
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