How can I make this right?

[eleanorrigby]

1. There are many people who will not date single/divorced parents. They don't want the complications of a blended family. Your wife suddenly has to deal with all this. She is now in a situation that takes her from a basic "simple" family life into something with lots of complications. She did not have any choice in this.

 

^^^ this.

 

I have been through a lot in my marriage but something like this would probably be the last straw. I don't want to be a step-parent. Ever.

 

This just might not work out and PD may have to suck that up.

 

All around this situation could suck for everyone.

Shame the ex didn't stick to her plan of not letting him know about the child.

[eleanorrigby]

Once they were here I visited my daughter once or twice a week. My wife didn't like me visiting there so I got my ex to drop my daughter off to our place. My wife has not said a word to my ex to this day and the tension around my daughter was scary (it really was) so I couldn't keep bringing my daughter home. I organised trips out with my daughter and my boys, to the zoo etc but each time my wife either would not come or if she did would not acknowledge my daughter. I mean buying an ice-cream for my two sons but not for my daughter because that is my daughter and therefore my responsibility is ridiculous.

 

I could see myself doing something like this...

If I did try to see if I could fit this situation into my life instead of bailing immediately, I would be at pains to make sure that I took on as little responsibility for my husbands kid as possible. Even going so far as to make sure he got the ice cream cone for the kid.

 

In my mind every thing I ended up doing for the kid would irritate me. If it was time for bath and bed and I had to bathe a third child that night. I'd be irritated. Time for homework and now I gotta help this kid too? No you do it, it's your kid, I'm tired.

 

Kids are bouncing off the walls and now I gotta settle this other kid down as well?? I'm not the kids parent, you are. You settle her down.

 

Your daughter has the stomach flu during her visit and is up at 3AM vomiting in the toilet and you want me to get up with you and help clean up the mess? (wtf? goddamit. this is BULLSH*T! I didn't sign up for this crap!!! :mad:)

 

Your daughter just hit our son, are you going to correct her????!

Our son just hit your daughter and now you want to spank him/time out him/take toys away from him?! :mad:

 

lol whew, I'm getting myself all bent out of shape just imagining myself in these scenarios. Imagine how your wife feels.

 

The way it’s going we are heading towards a divorce. She refuses to touch me, 50% of our communication is in anger or snide remarks and she doesn’t seem to want to make it better. It’s what I would expect if I had cheated but this is basically just a child from a previous relationship.

 

But it's a child from a previous relationship that she didn't know was there. That makes all the difference. I'd be furious to find out I suddenly had a step child. I think my reaction to that would be as nasty as my reaction was to finding out my husband had cheated on me. It would take me a long time to adjust to the situation, if I ever could. You are going to need patience to make things right. A heap of it.

[jwi71]

I never imagined that some people who leave their spouse because of this and in so doing cause some level of trauma to their biological children.

 

Just file for D, smile to the "new child", and move on with life - why this need to make certain the "new child" KNOWS they are wanted or loved? It just sounds so cruel, immature and passive aggressive.

 

Anyways, OP, as you can see there are certain people who WOULD file for D over this.

 

Be sure to get 50-50 custody of your sons should it come to that. And if you can get it, that should eliminate any CS towards your xW (its pointless in 50-50 custody).

 

Your W is showing you who she is...don't lightly disregard her treatment of your daughter. It appears you are the only person in her life who TRULY cares FOR her.

 

Keep on being a great dad...

[woinlove]

I think my own marriage would have survived such a surprise, but if the surprise came when our children were still infants/toddlers, I think it would only have survived because of my H and his priorities.

 

If you put the daughter (or ex) first, and end up with two broken homes, it is really not to anyone's benefit. If you put your wife first, and together develop a plan to bring the daughter into the family, even if that takes months, there is much more to be gained for everyone. I think that is what my H would have done. He would have given me time, even if it meant delaying seeing his daughter for a while, confident that we could work something out together. He always says I am his highest priority and the love and security of our children flows from that priority. We both feel this way about each other and it has worked well for both our marriage and for providing a loving and nurturing home for our children. So I think proud did things backward here. However, I realize he was in a difficult and new situation and things are often more clearly seen in hindsight.

 

If this marriage fails, there are lessons to be learned by both spouses of what they could have done differently, not just the wife.

Edited January 2, 2013 by woinlove

[melodymatters]

I'm sorry but with so many men it seems to be an ego thing....an over prioritizing of another human being simply because they share YOUR PRECIOUS DNA.

 

So friggen what ? If the paternity test showed it was some other guys kid, you wouldn't think twice about this precious, blessed little Jesus clone. But whoa, she shares 23 of your chromosomes so let's jeopardize everything you've built with your wife and sons.

 

I could see having some sort of affection, as one might for a niece or something and trying not leave a hole in the kids life, but you were there every day of your planned and WANTED son's lives, I don't see how you can equally love this little girl you just met, unless again, it's more about you and your ego.

 

Kids are flexible and resilient. I split with my husband after numerous attempts to get him sober and functioning when my daughter was around 2. He moved back across the country and honestly she couldn't care less about this strange dude that happened to be her bio dad. I used to force her to have phone conversations with him, but she didn't care, just wanted to go back to her cartoons and toys.

 

I hope the ex meets a nice guy who can be the REAL everyday dad to this little girl ( which would be better for HER and your marriage) and you come up with some sort of open adoption situation where you occasionally see her and she knows her bio dad is the OP, and "Joe" is her daddy. Here's hoping so for your poor wives sake.

 

I also agree it is major flaky that this ex dissapeared with your kid for 5 yrs and NOW wants her daughter to be part of a big, happy family. This kind of woman is the type that will be nothing but trouble for years to come. Are you going to, say, take your sons trick or treating from 5-6 pm on halloween and then rush over to take little Suzy from 6-7 ? Screw THAT nonsense !

[eleanorrigby]

I'm sorry but with so many men it seems to be an ego thing....an over prioritizing of another human being simply because they share YOUR PRECIOUS DNA.

 

So friggen what ? If the paternity test showed it was some other guys kid, you wouldn't think twice about this precious, blessed little Jesus clone. But whoa, she shares 23 of your chromosomes so let's jeopardize everything you've built with your wife and sons.

 

I could see having some sort of affection, as one might for a niece or something and trying not leave a hole in the kids life, but you were there every day of your planned and WANTED son's lives, I don't see how you can equally love this little girl you just met, unless again, it's more about you and your ego.

 

Kids are flexible and resilient. I split with my husband after numerous attempts to get him sober and functioning when my daughter was around 2. He moved back across the country and honestly she couldn't care less about this strange dude that happened to be her bio dad. I used to force her to have phone conversations with him, but she didn't care, just wanted to go back to her cartoons and toys.

 

I hope the ex meets a nice guy who can be the REAL everyday dad to this little girl ( which would be better for HER and your marriage) and you come up with some sort of open adoption situation where you occasionally see her and she knows her bio dad is the OP, and "Joe" is her daddy. Here's hoping so for your poor wives sake.

 

I also agree it is major flaky that this ex dissapeared with your kid for 5 yrs and NOW wants her daughter to be part of a big, happy family. This kind of woman is the type that will be nothing but trouble for years to come. Are you going to, say, take your sons trick or treating from 5-6 pm on halloween and then rush over to take little Suzy from 6-7 ? Screw THAT nonsense !

 

You and I are ------->.<----------- That's exactly how I'd be feeling! (and everything else you wrote)

PD remember, you feel for this kid only because she shares your DNA, your wife may not be feeling anything for this girl right now but resentment. It may feel no different to her then if some kid from down the block suddenly became partly her responsibility.

Edited January 2, 2013 by eleanorrigby

[xxoo]

In my mind every thing I ended up doing for the kid would irritate me. If it was time for bath and bed and I had to bathe a third child that night. I'd be irritated. Time for homework and now I gotta help this kid too? No you do it, it's your kid, I'm tired.

 

Kids are bouncing off the walls and now I gotta settle this other kid down as well?? I'm not the kids parent, you are. You settle her down.

 

Your daughter has the stomach flu during her visit and is up at 3AM vomiting in the toilet and you want me to get up with you and help clean up the mess? (wtf? goddamit. this is BULLSH*T! I didn't sign up for this crap!!! :mad:)

 

Your daughter just hit our son, are you going to correct her????!

Our son just hit your daughter and now you want to spank him/time out him/take toys away from him?! :mad:

 

lol whew, I'm getting myself all bent out of shape just imagining myself in these scenarios. Imagine how your wife feels.

 

But why? What is the reason for that anger?

 

Deep down, what is the reason for being angry that a child was conceived before their relationship began?

[eleanorrigby]

But why? What is the reason for that anger?

 

Deep down, what is the reason for being angry that a child was conceived before their relationship began?

 

I'd be angry to be forced into a situation that I never would have walked into willingly. PD should ask his wife how she feels about step kids and blended families, or rather, what was her feeling/idea about it before she found herself in that situation. My idea/feeling about step-families is negative right off the bat. So I know if I found myself in that position my reaction would be more negative then expected/"normal".

Edited January 2, 2013 by eleanorrigby

[melodymatters]

But why? What is the reason for that anger?

 

Deep down, what is the reason for being angry that a child was conceived before their relationship began?

 

Most people like kids ok in general, but they think THEIR children walk on water. So this couple has their perfect little life, 2 kids, 2 businesses, perhaps even a white picket fence and a puppy. The wife probably never pictured herself in some Jerry Springer scenario and perhaps wouldn't have even gone on date one with the OP if she knew the situation.

 

Now, SUDDENLY, you are sharing time, love, resources, holidays, vacations, trips to the zoo,money and your most precious thing : YOUR FAMILY, with the woman your H used to f*ck.

 

I applaud you for your kind and generous spirit XXOO, but I hope you can understand my, other female posters, and his wifes feelings about this as well. We are talking about the biggest game changer there is besides death.

[xxoo]

I'd be angry to be forced into a situation that I never would have walked into willingly. PD should ask his wife how she feels about step kids and blended families.

 

Ok, but ***** happens. The horse has already left the barn.

 

Her husband didn't deceive her, or act irresponsibly. It's a tough situation.

 

But anger? At a child?

 

ah....I posted before I read this part: what was her feeling/idea about it before she found herself in that situation

 

yes, I can see that. I suspect there is something similar going on with the wife, unique to her, causing so much anger.

[Janesays]

Ok, but ***** happens. The horse has already left the barn.

 

Her husband didn't deceive her, or act irresponsibly. It's a tough situation.

 

Her husband did act irresponsibly. He had unprotected sex with a woman of low moral character.

 

But anger? At a child?

 

You're not listening. It's not anger at the CHILD. It's anger at the SITUATION. When people feel helpless to control their own life and future and destiny, it is only natural that one of the primary feelings be anger. Is she taking her anger out on the child? Yeah, probably a little bit. But she's also taking it out on her husband, her family, and likely it is affecting her work as well. That's the problem when you have no one to point your anger at....it just spills out all over the place. I mean, you can't lash out at fate.

[xxoo]

Her husband did act irresponsibly. He had unprotected sex with a woman of low moral character.

 

 

 

You're not listening. It's not anger at the CHILD. It's anger at the SITUATION. When people feel helpless to control their own life and future and destiny, it is only natural that one of the primary feelings be anger. Is she taking her anger out on the child? Yeah, probably a little bit. But she's also taking it out on her husband, her family, and likely it is affecting her work as well. That's the problem when you have no one to point your anger at....it just spills out all over the place. I mean, you can't lash out at fate.

 

I understand anger at the situation.

 

I don't understand the anger being directed at the child. As a mother, how do you not imagine your own child in that situation?

 

Which is a point I'd make to the wife if she were here reading: if they divorce, her sons will likely have a step-mother one day!!! How would she want them to be treated in their father's home?

[Snowflower]

I understand anger at the situation.

 

I don't understand the anger being directed at the child. As a mother, how do you not imagine your own child in that situation?

 

Which is a point I'd make to the wife if she were here reading: if they divorce, her sons will likely have a step-mother one day!!! How would she want them to be treated in their father's home?

 

Again, this is a really thought-provoking thread. I hope the OP comes back and chats with us.

 

As to the part I bolded in the post above...of course the wife would want her sons to be treated well by their step-mother. However, that woman who becomes their step-mother has a choice in becoming their step-mother, unlike the wife who had absolutely no choice but is now forced to be a step-parent.

 

I don't think anyone posting/reading this thread thinks that anger should be taken out on that poor little girl. And honestly, if her behavior toward the daughter is one of, "well, you can buy her the ice cream since you're the dad." Well sheesh, she is handling herself pretty well.

 

This is simply not a situation that can be tied up with a pretty red bow and a perfect, new family is created. Not very easily and it may never happen. It is very sad for all involved.

 

But really, the anger should be directed at the ex-GF by both the OP and his wife. The delay of over 5 years and she contacts him over FB?! It is kind of a Jerry Springer type of situation.

[melodymatters]

I understand anger at the situation.

 

I don't understand the anger being directed at the child. As a mother, how do you not imagine your own child in that situation?

 

Which is a point I'd make to the wife if she were here reading: if they divorce, her sons will likely have a step-mother one day!!! How would she want them to be treated in their father's home?

 

 

While that IS a good point, at least THIS stepmother will be walking into this situation with eyes wide open. She'll obviously know and accept the fact that there is another woman ( actually 2 now) and 2 sets of kids and obligations. IF she signs on for that, bless her heart ! There will be an equal amount of women, if not more, who hear about this situation and say " No thanks, I can't go for a coffee date, I have a root canal I'm REALLY looking forward to."

 

That's the bottom line. Knowledge and choice about one's LIFE and FAMILY situation.

 

I had a husband develop and eventually die due to epilepsy. It would be my right to not date another man who had epilepsy. Now if my husband developed it suddenly after we were married, I would not leave him as his disease isn't basically saying " I have TWO woman and TWO families I now need to please and support". It would suck big time, but I wouldn't be sharing my husband with another woman and her child, but with a disease that was not brought on by his actions (ie: unprotected sex with a psycho.)

[eleanorrigby]

 

But really, the anger should be directed at the ex-GF by both the OP and his wife. The delay of over 5 years and she contacts him over FB?! It is kind of a Jerry Springer type of situation.

 

Yes, she's a real tool. I can't believe she is forcing this fake Brady Bunch situation on everyone because she was tight for money. Ugh! If I were in this situation if I could bring myself to say what I really wanted, I'd encourage my husband to gift the ex a nice amount of money for the child and to help her and then end it. Let her and the child go. Legally and completely.

 

I get the feeling that many men don't like paying for children that they don't visit. I think they want to get their "money's worth". *rolls eyes*

Edited January 2, 2013 by eleanorrigby

[xxoo]

. And honestly, if her behavior toward the daughter is one of, "well, you can buy her the ice cream since you're the dad." Well sheesh, she is handling herself pretty well.

 

The op used the word "scary" to describe how the tension between the wife and the daughter. It's not about the ice cream.

 

But I do get your point. And I'd be angry at my husband for some of his actions since finding out about the child.

[xxoo]

I get the feeling that many men don't like paying for children that they don't visit. I think they want to get their "money's worth". *rolls eyes*

 

I think this minimizes the love fathers have for their children, and the pain of fathers everywhere who learn years later that they were robbed of years with their child

[woinlove]

The op used the word "scary" to describe how the tension between the wife and the daughter. It's not about the ice cream.

 

Yes, he used the word scary and it paints a pretty grim picture of how his wife is behaving. He also said:

 

I come home to my beautiful wife and my two beautiful boys and all I wish is that my daughter was there to make it complete. This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

 

Can you imagine going from having a husband who was happy with you and his two children to one who spent extra time at his ex's because he didn't want to come home and when he did come home to you and your children, couldn't help feeling that now your family was incomplete and always would be. This kind of blew me away.

[jwi71]

I'd be angry to be forced into a situation that I never would have walked into willingly. PD should ask his wife how she feels about step kids and blended families, or rather, what was her feeling/idea about it before she found herself in that situation. My idea/feeling about step-families is negative right off the bat. So I know if I found myself in that position my reaction would be more negative then expected/"normal".

 

This makes no sense.

 

Why would the OP, or ANYONE, ask "What if I have a child that I don't know about..."

 

To me, its like if a mother-in-law suddenly require in-home care - say a massive and sudden stroke. No way to plan for it - it just happened. And now you have the elderly parent to care for. Im not sure any here would like it if your H said "Eff this, she's your problem I want a D because your mom will cost too much time, $$$, limit me in the future...and so on". I bet THAT guy gets harpooned. This is the same situation. Talk about FRAIL families and marriages.

[jwi71]

 

You're not listening. It's not anger at the CHILD. It's anger at the SITUATION. When people feel helpless to control their own life and future and destiny, it is only natural that one of the primary feelings be anger. Is she taking her anger out on the child? Yeah, probably a little bit. But she's also taking it out on her husband, her family, and likely it is affecting her work as well. That's the problem when you have no one to point your anger at....it just spills out all over the place. I mean, you can't lash out at fate.

 

Then the W, not the OP, has a problem - which is what I've been saying all along.

 

The W controls her reactions no one else. I wonder how she react given my little MiL scenario I posted above - apparently she would get angry and tell his mom to eff off and die with the full support of some posters here - since they are telling the OP to buggar off with his daughter.

 

Sorry...M means you get a whole new family and whole new responsibilities - some of which you cannot envision coming to be. If you cant handle that - don't get M.

[woinlove]

Prouddad, how do you feel you interact with your three children when they are at home with you and your wife? Do you feel you need to focus more attention on your daughter because it is a new situation for her and your time with her is limited, or do you think you divide your time equally between all 3 as if the circumstances were the same for all 3?

 

I ask, because how you interact with the children could easily cause a reaction by your wife. Or do you feel you are reacting to how your wife behaves with the children? How do you think your wife would describe your interactions? Not saying anything is right or wrong, maybe it would be good to give your daughter extra attention, but again, this needs to be discussed with your wife, so it is all out in the open, and doesn't lead to feelings of abandonment. In the end, it is all about acting as a team, and making that your first priority. If you two can unite as a team, then all the children will benefit. If you don't, they will all feel the effects of that.

[xxoo]

Can you imagine going from having a husband who was happy with you and his two children to one who spent extra time at his ex's because he didn't want to come home and when he did come home to you and your children, couldn't help feeling that now your family was incomplete and always would be. This kind of blew me away.

 

I must be odd. If we learned that my H had a child born before we were together, I'd feel like our family were incomplete in that child's absence.

[woinlove]

I must be odd. If we learned that my H had a child born before we were together, I'd feel like our family were incomplete in that child's absence.

 

Would you try to keep your children from feeling that incompleteness? Or would you want your children to feel that way too?

[xxoo]

Would you try to keep your children from feeling that incompleteness? Or would you want your children to feel that way too?

 

I would try very hard not to burden my children with negative feelings about it, no matter what.

[Janesays]

 

Which is a point I'd make to the wife if she were here reading: if they divorce, her sons will likely have a step-mother one day!!!

 

 

Ha, I had to LOL at this one. Good luck finding another woman to walk into a relationship with a man in his late 30's with 3 young children and two baby's Mommas to deal with! Unless the OP has the great fortune to meet a Mother Theresa incarnate or literally goes scrounging in the ghetto for new tail, I think it's safe to say that he'll be single for a loooooonnnnnggg time should he divorce. No one wants a man with that kind of baggage....even if he could even FIND the time to date....what with all his weekends dedicated to visits with the kids and all.

 

Another thing to think about before he blows up his marriage over this.